Chapter 1

Diana and I headed to Central Park. It was late summer and we had made a habit of roller blading through the park in the late afternoon. We were almost through the park when from out of no where a basketball bounced in front of me and I collided with a guy. I heard the crack and felt the pain in my leg. I screamed in agony and within a few short minutes' 5 men, and my friend Diana surrounded me. Jenny are you all right, Diana kept asking? The pain was too intense I couldn't see through my tears. I heard someone calling for an ambulance and I just lay perfectly still. The guy who had run into me kept apologizing and promised to take care of everything. He was holding my hand and he was talking to me trying to keep my mind off the pain. It felt like hours had passed and then finally the ambulance pulled up. When they tried to move me I screamed, the pain was so intense. The paramedics gave me a shot of something and when they attempted to move me again the pain wasn't so intense. I heard Brian, the one who ran into me ask which hospital they were taking me too? County was all the paramedic said. County? Where is that he asked? Diana gave him directions and she followed along in the ambulance with me. The next thing I knew I was being whisked away in an ambulance and the paramedic was asking me how the pain was? I just nodded my head. I couldn't speak. Diana kept saying she was right here. It doesn't look that bad Jenny, I'm sure it's broken but it doesn't look bad. When we got to the hospital I found out why the pain was so intense. My bone was protruding through my skin. When I saw it in the lights above me I passed out. When I woke up again I was in a private room and Diana and Brian were sitting by my bedside. Brian and Diana were whispering so as not to disturb me. I found my voice and said Diana? She jumped up and said she was right here. I said do I have both my legs? She laughed and said yes, you have both your legs silly. I was really emotional and I said I saw my leg in the lights. I saw the bone. She said it was fine and I'd never guess in a million years who the guy was that did it to me? I said who? She said Brian Littrell. I felt the haze quickly clear and I said Brian Littrell? Of the Backstreet Boys? She said they were playing basketball in the park when the accident occurred. Something about AJ throwing a fit and the ball getting punted off the court. I couldn't help but laugh. I said my leg hurts Diana, what if I can't walk. Brian stood up and said, Jenny I'm really sorry about all of this. I feel awful. I've paid your doctor bills, I realize that doesn't make up for this, but I just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry. I said oh my goodness it's you. He smiled and said hi, I'm Brian. I said this is a dream, I know it's a dream. Brian said more like a nightmare. But it's not a dream I'm so sorry. He asked if I was in a lot of pain? I said no but then said yes, it hurts and I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. Brian got up and left the room. He returned with a nurse who gave me a shot through the IV and within a couple of minutes I wasn't feeling much of anything. The nurse came back ten minutes later and asked if I felt any pain? I just said what pain? The nurse turned to Brian and said she'll be fine for about 8 hours and then I'll be back to give her another shot if she needs it. He thanked her again and he sat down with me again. He asked if I was hungry? I said no, he said that he was going down to the cafeteria. He'd call his management to let them know what happened and he'd be back. I told him it was fine. He paid the bill it was an accident. There was no need for him to stay around. He said he'd be back, that's a promise. Diana had to leave she had to work tonight. She said she wishes she could stay. She called my parents in Montana, they were relieved that I was all right. An hour later Brian came back with two slices of Pizza for me, and a deck of cards. I told him he really didn't have to do this. He said he wanted to. I ate the pizza, I guess I was hungry after all. Brian and I stayed up half the night and played gin rummy. He finally left at 11 p.m. and I went to sleep. As soon as visiting hours allowed Brian and AJ came back. AJ was feeling really guilty but I assured them that I was all right. AJ said he has got to learn to control his temper better. I smiled and said having the two of them visit me was enough pay back. AJ asked if I like the group? I said like is putting it mild. I've been a fan since 1995 and I have every CD. Sorry, I mean yes I like your group. Brian laughed and said Bone should we, you know? AJ said why not. I said what? Brian said they are in New York recording a new album and then in 8 weeks they would be touring again. Would I like to travel with them for the first leg of the US tour? What?! Are you serious? Brian said is that a yes? I said that's a heck yes! Diana is never going to believe this. Diana? Would it be possible for her to come too? Brian said he didn't see why not. Oh my goodness, I'm going to tour with the Backstreet boys! I couldn't control my excitement. Brian said well let me just tell you it's not as glamorous as it seems. We'll be traveling by bus and… On the BSB tour bus? I almost screamed. Brian said yes. I said this couldn't get any better. Brian said the first leg of the tour was the Eastern Sea Board to Chicago. I'm in! I'm in! Brian and AJ just laughed at me. Brian said he'd get things in order and get back to me. He kissed me on the cheek and he left. He walked out the door and I screamed. Brian kissed me on the cheek. He stuck his head back in the door and asked if I was all right? I just covered my head with the sheet.

Chapter 2

Once the drugs wore off I felt like a fool for how a reacted earlier. That wasn't who I was. When Diana came back I told her AJ and Brian had come back earlier this morning and invited us to go with them on tour. She said really? She didn't seem too excited about it. She thought the guys were nice and all but she wasn't into their music so much. I said it would be fun. For me, please? I don't want to go on the road with them alone. Just then Brian walked in and said, please Diana, oh please don't force her to be alone with us on the bus. He was joking of course but he made her smile and she asked when we were leaving. I just smiled at her. Brian asked if he was interrupting? I said no, have a seat. Diana said I thought AJ was with you? As if on queue in walked AJ. Did someone say my name, he asked? I said hey AJ. He brought me some flowers, he asked how I was feeling? I said better, but I'm bored in this bed. AJ said he's never been bored in bed. Brian said AJ! We all laughed and AJ apologized. I don't know who was funnier, AJ or Brian. They both seemed to make me laugh, but Brian's sincerity got to me. He was very sweet and affectionate. I liked that in a man. He asked if I wanted to play cards again? I said that would be fun. For the next week Brian came and visited me everyday. I was finally released on crutches and was to come back in two weeks so the doctor could check my cast. They put a walking cast on my leg. It was heavy and very cumbersome. Brian insisted that he drive me home. I wasn't about to complain about it. I lived in a pretty nice apartment building but I hadn't been home in over a week and couldn't remember the state my apartment was in. I was relieved when I opened the door and everything was fine. Brian said I had a nice apartment. He looked out the window and said I had a nice view. I said I do? He said I don't know, I like it though. I laughed, I asked if he wanted something to drink? He said he was fine. I leaned my crutches against the wall and hobbled into my kitchen. He said what are you doing Jenny? I said you may not be thirsty but I am. I grabbed a bottled water from the refrigerator and made my way to the couch. He held out his arms as if he was guiding me. He didn't touch me but I could tell he wanted to help me somehow. I said Brian I'm fine, really. My telephone rang and I had one of those that were attached to the wall. So I had to get up again and the phone stopped ringing as soon as I finally got on my feet. Brian asked if I had a cordless? No, they are too expensive I said. He said what are you going to do then? I said I guess I'll miss a lot of calls. I laughed but Brian felt bad. He said, I'm so sorry for putting you in this position. I said don't even worry about it. I'm handling it just fine. A minute later the phone rang again. While I was trying to stand up Brian grabbed the phone. He said hello, Jenny's house. I laughed he said well you didn't tell me your last name. It was my mom of all people. I took the phone and she asked me who was in my apartment? I said just a friend mom. She asked if I was all right? I said I was fine, I had just gotten home a little while ago and I was holding my own. I talked to mom for a few minutes half listening to her go on about her life. I watched as Brian sat on the couch next to me. He kept staring at his hands. He'd look around and then catch me staring and then he'd smile. I covered the phone and said yak, yak, yak. He smiled and shook his head. Finally, I said well mom I have a guest I'll call you back later. She apologized and told me to let her know if I needed anything. I said anything? She said what do you need Jenny? I said a cordless phone would be nice. She laughed and said she'd send the money. I said goodbye and I love you, then Brian took the phone from my hand and hung up the handset. He asked if I was hungry? I said actually I am. He said he'd be back in about an hour with some food. I said I'm sure there is something here… He said he was in the mood for McDonalds. I laughed and said so that rumor is true then? He laughed and said afraid so. He asked what I wanted and I said surprise me. Oh but Diet Coke to drink. I don't care if it's a hamburger or chicken. But it has to be a Diet Coke. He said he'd be right back. I stood up to walk him to the door and lost my footing and fell right into his arms. I'm sorry about that. Brian said I'm not and he smiled. He asked if I was okay? I said just embarrassed but I'll live. He said give him one hour and he'd be back. He said don't worry about walking me to the door, I'll see myself out. The phone rang again and Brian handed it to me. I said Furlotti's. Brian smiled, Italian. I knew it. With that he left my apartment and I talked with Diana. She asked whom I was talking too? I said Brian is going to get lunch. She said is he still hanging around? I said I like him here. He's very nice you should just get to know them better. She said she'd be on the bus with them, she'd get to know them later. I laughed, I said wouldn't it be nice to find out who they were ahead of time before getting on the bus? She said no, because if she didn't like them then she'd back out and I'd be crushed. You're right, so when are you coming over I asked? She said later, I'm working right now. I just turned in my request for the time off. I don't know if I can get all the time off, but I'll take what I can get. Well, I have to use the bathroom and since it will take me 20 minutes to get there I better go now. She laughed and said I should attach wheels to the bottom of my cast. I said that's what go me into this cast, I'm not about to go roller blading now. She laughed.

Chapter 3

Brian kept his word and an hour later he was knocking on my door. He said it's just me take your time, I have food to sustain me. I laughed, but I managed to get to the door pretty quickly. He was smiling when I opened the door. I stood back and let him enter. He not only had lunch but he had a gift for me. What's in the package I asked? He said oh, just a little something from me to you. I took the gift he handed to me and said Brian you don't have to buy me things. But since you did. I sat down on the couch and opened up a cordless phone. I said my mom is sending money for this. He said now she doesn't have to. I said you don't have to feel guilty about my leg, I'll be fine. He said he doesn't feel guilty. He said I feel bad, but I did this as a friend. It's a welcome home gift. I don't want you to miss any calls, especially mine. I just gazed into his beautiful smiling blue eyes. He said I got two burgers and chicken McNuggets, I didn't want to disappoint you. I laughed, he said but here is your super sized Diet Coke. I laughed and we turned on the radio and ate lunch together. When we were done Brian set up the phone for me. He said for the next 8 hours I might miss some phone calls, but after that, never again. I said why only for the next 8 hours? He said the battery had to charge. I felt so stupid. He asked if I was full. Stuffed is more like it I said. Brian stayed another hour and then he had to leave. He had to go to work they were shooting a new music video in Central Park. He said he'd call me later though. He said don't worry, I'll let it ring until you get there. He kissed me on the cheek and asked if I'd be all right? I said I'd be fine. He left and I fell on the sofa and took a much-needed nap. I slept until about 8:30 p.m. The telephone woke me and I jumped up off the sofa, completely forgetting about my leg in a cast and I fell. I just lay there a minute and then I stood up. The pain was unbelievable. I made it to the phone and said Hi Brian. He laughed, how'd you know it was me? Who else would let the phone ring thirty times? He laughed but sensed something was wrong. What is it Jenny? I told him I forgot my leg was in a cast, nothing major. He said what? I told him I fell asleep and I jumped up to get the phone, and well I ended up on the floor. He was trying not to laugh, he asked if I was okay? I said I'm fine. How was rehearsal, I asked him? He said long, he's tired. He has tomorrow off though and wanted to know if I'd like some company? I said Brian you don't have to come over everyday I'll be fine. He said he wants too, unless you don't want me to come over? I said that's not it, I just know that there must be something else you'd rather be doing. He said not really, he enjoys my company. AJ was yelling to Brian, he had to go back. He said he'd be by tomorrow. 1 or 2 in the afternoon, sorry but I gotta sleep. I laughed and hung up. I headed to the kitchen and looked for something to eat. I called Diana and told her I was hungry and had no food in the house. She said she'd be right over. Half an hour later she came over with hoagies. Oh you know how to please. She laughed and told me to make a grocery list and she'd pick stuff up for me. She asked if I was going out of my mind yet? I said no, Brian has been coming over and keeping me company. She said oh yeah? Then she noticed my new phone. Whoa…where did you get this? I said it was a gift from Brian. She looked down her nose at me and said expensive gifts? How long have you known him? I said for goodness sake, it's not an engagement ring, it's a telephone. She said she was really nervous about getting a bus with 5 guys neither of us knew. I said you ride the subway with hundreds of people every day. Besides, I feel like I know these guys. She said whatever, I'm just telling you how I feel. Diana had brought a suitcase with her and I said what's that for? She said I lived closer to her job and since I couldn't fend for myself right now she'd stay with me. I just smiled. She said what? Nothing, but thank you. We finished up our hoagies and she helped me tie a garbage bag around my cast. We tied rubber bands around it to keep it dry so I could shower. I made it through my first shower. I was getting used to the cast. Then next day Brian stopped by. He brought Nick and AJ with him. A pizza, I was never so happy to see them. Diana had left to go shopping and hadn't returned yet and I was starving. We were all sitting at my kitchen table when Diana walked in. She just looked at the four of us eating and laughing. She finally said, excuse me? I need some help here. AJ and Nick, who were the closest jumped up and helped her with the bags. AJ said Diana this is Nick. Nick smiled and said nice to meet you. Diana raised her eyebrows. I could see that she was now a little happier that she'd be going on the tour. She seemed to lighten up around Nick. The guys stayed for a few hours and when they left Diana said, um Jenny? How many guys are in this band? I said 5, and I had a huge smile on my face. She said what are you smiling for? Oh, nothing, there are 5 in the group, Brian, Kevin, AJ, Howie, and um…Nick she said. Oh yeah, Nick that's right I joked. He was the one that was here to day. She said I'm going to take a shower. I said cold or hot? She said that if my leg weren't already broken she'd kick my butt. I laughed and cleaned up the pizza boxes. As I went into the bedroom to get ready for bed I heard Diana in the shower singing, "I want it that way", I couldn't help but laugh.

Chapter 4

Over the next few weeks I was able to maneuver much more effortlessly and Diana was glad on the day they removed my cast. Nick and Diana were pretty good friends. I don't know if they'll ever hook up but they like the same music and Diana was actually looking forward to the tour. Brian and Diana both were with me when my cast was removed. I couldn't get used to the feeling that the cast was finally off. Brian asked if I wanted to go dancing? Are you kidding, I asked? I said I just got my cast off. He said so, let's celebrate. I looked at him, are you serious? He said yes, we'll got down town, I know the perfect place. I said why not? He said he'd pick me up at 7:30, we'll go "out" for dinner first. I said out for dinner? No more fast foods? He laughed, he said well we could always make it McDonald's. We both laughed. Diana just rolled her eyes whenever Brian and I were happy together. She said she thought he was nice, but she just though he had some underlying motive for befriending me. I said like what? She said like getting you to not file a lawsuit. I said it was an accident. She said so… I said don't ruin this for me. I really like Brian and I think he likes me. So make yourself scarce tonight, I don't want to double date. She threw up her hands and said like I'd want to go. I said Diana? You're not really mad are you? She smiled and said that deep down she likes Brian but he was in a popular group, a celebrity, and she didn't want me to get hurt. I said I'm just enjoying myself. I know what you mean, and I'll be careful. She said she'd see me when I got back and she left the apartment. I took a shower and got dressed. I had a small scar on my leg where the bone had protruded through, but it wasn't really noticeable. At 7:20 I heard a knock on the door. Hi Brian come on in. He said I looked beautiful and he handed me a bouquet of flowers. Awwww, you didn't have to do that. He said he wanted to. He watched as I flew around my apartment and I said I'm ready. He just looked at me with a smile on his face. What, I asked? He said it's nice to see me so independent again. I said it feels good too. With that he held out his arm and I slipped mine through it and we headed downstairs. We went to a trendy restaurant where we talked about my family and the tour. We were leaving next week and he asked if I was excited? I said yes and no. I know it's going to be rough, but I would love the experience too. We finished our dinners and headed for the nightclubs. We went into a few and left, it didn't have the atmosphere Brian was looking for. Finally we found one we both liked. We danced all night and got really close. Finally after almost 2 months, Brian kissed me. It was a sweet little kiss, but still a kiss. He smiled and pulled me back onto the dance floor. We danced to a few slow songs and Brian held me so close to his body I could feel his heart beat. We stayed until last call and headed back to my apartment. I was surprised to see Nick inside with Diana. I was speechless for a minute and Diana said that it's about time. I just smiled at her and looked from Nick to Diana. She was biting her cheek trying not to smile too. I excused myself and headed for the bathroom. Diana followed me into my bedroom. I said what's Nick doing here? I had a huge ass smile on my face and Diana couldn't stand it. She said he just came to keep me company. I said oh really? She said wipe the smile off your face, where have you been until 2:30 in the morning? I said oh well you see MOM, I was out on a date… She said don't you have to pee or something and then she returned to the living room. Why couldn't she just admit that she had a thing for Nick? Whatever, I did what I came to do and returned to the living room. Brian smiled when I returned and I sat next to him on the love seat. We were just kind of sitting around and not taking when Brian finally said, well next Friday we begin the tour. Yep, yep, yep, was all I said. Brian said, well I guess I'd better be going, will you walk me out Jenny? I got up and walked Brian down to the elevator. He said what's up with them? I shrugged my shoulders and asked Brian if he would be all right? He said the doorman would call him a taxi. I laughed my building didn't have a doorman. He pulled me to him and kissed me. He said he'd see me tomorrow. Oh, okay I said still a little surprised by the kiss. I watched Brian get on the elevator and he waved as the door closed. I headed back to my apartment and walked in, apparently they didn't hear me because they were kissing. I let the door close and I yawned really loud. Diana almost fell off the couch. She said yeah, it's late I know, Nick stood up and asked Diana to walk him out. She said sure, I headed to the bedroom and took a shower. I was in bed when Diana returned. She didn't say anything she just changed for bed and climbed in next to me. She said good night. I said good night. A few minutes later I was laughing. She hit me and told me to go to sleep. I just busted up laughing out loud. What Jenny?! What is so funny? I said Diana and Nick sitting in a tree K I S S I N G… She took her pillow and started hitting me with it. After I calmed down I reminded her to keep her hands to herself that I was NOT Nick. Then it started all over again. We were both hysterical laughing. I said Diana, thanks for being my friend. She said would you shut up and go to sleep already. A few minutes later she said you're welcome.

Chapter 5

I didn't tease Diana anymore about Nick it was obvious to me that she really liked him, even though she would never admit it to me. We spent the week shopping and taking care of everyday details. Making sure the rent was paid for the next two months, not to mention all the bills. Family and friends were notified and now all that was left was to pack. Diana continued to stay with me even though I had both legs back. She commented that we should become roommates. She said she was just thinking it would be cheaper. Sure, I said. I like having you around too I said. The phone rang and she came into the room covering the cordless making kissing noises. I said do you want to be alone? She said its Brian. I said oh, the way you were carrying on I thought it was Nick. She threw the phone at me and left me alone. Hi Brian I said. It was my mother! Ah! I'll get her for this. Oh sorry mom, just Diana's little sick joke. My mom was calling me to tell me to have a great time. She said she wished this had happened to her 25 years ago with the Dave Clark Five. Who? I said. She said never mind. Anyway I promised to be in touch and I'd call her along the way. Did you get the itinerary I sent you? She did and thought I'd be tired. I said I'm not performing, I'm just traveling. She laughed and told me to be careful and that she loved me and to say hi to Brian for her. Oh yeah, mom I'll tell him. I hung up and went looking for Diana, luckily for her Nick had come back. Hi Nick I said. Diana just asked if I had a nice talk with my mom? Then she started laughing. I ignored her and went to the kitchen. The phone rang again and this time it was Brian. He said quickly, what are you doing right now? I said my head in the refrigerator. He laughed, he asked if I was all packed? Yes, I am are you? He said he was. He'd pick me up tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. I said I'd be ready. Am I going to see you today, I asked? He said probably not until later, he's about to call Nick, he wanted to go play Basketball. I said Nick is here. What's Nick doing at your place? He questioned. I said he's visiting with Diana. I said but do me a favor, hang up and call back. I want to play a joke on Diana. I'm going to pretend that you are her mother, I'll explain later. I told him to give me two minutes. He said okay, I said just follow my lead. I walked back out to the living room and said good bye Brian. I put the phone back on the charger and headed back to the kitchen. The phone rang again, I said hello? Oh hi, long time no talk. Yes, she's here, hold on I'll get her. Diana, it's your mom. Why is she calling me here? Maybe because you're not home. She just half smiled at me. She said hi mom, what's up? Brian said mom? I've been called a lot of things, but never mom. I busted up laughing when I saw her face. She handed the phone to Nick and Nick said what's up? Diana just said she'd get me. I said you already did, paybacks are a bitch aren't they. Nick hung up and said he had to go, business was calling. I asked him if basketball was in his contract now? He looked embarrassed. He said he told you huh? I laughed and Diana walked him out. As she passed me I let out a kissing noise. Oh, excuse me I said to both of them and headed for the bedroom. Try as we might we couldn't not sleep that night. We were heading on tour with Brian and Nick. Well, Kevin, AJ, and Howie too. But I was falling fast for Brian. This was all happening too fast. Diana was starting to open up about her feelings for Nick. I had caught her a few times during the week singing songs from their latest album. Since she didn't own the CD I knew it was mine she was listening too. We both managed to get a little sleep and when the alarm went off at 6 I headed to the kitchen and made coffee. Between the two of us we polished off the pot of coffee inside of 30 minutes. When Brian showed up Nick was with him. Brian kissed me and asked me if we were ready? I said as ready as we'll ever be. They helped us with our suitcases and I locked my apartment up for the next two months. A van was waiting for us downstairs and I was surprised that the rest of the group wasn't in it. I said where are the fellas? Nick said they have already headed up to Buffalo. We were on our way now. Brian and I sat in the back of the van and Nick and Diana sat in front of us. Nick had a boom box and he was playing Nirvana. One of Diana's all time favorite groups. Brian and I sat together in the back of the van. He had his arm around me and said he wanted to share something with me. I said what is it? He pulled out a notebook and said he was a little nervous. He doesn't show this to very many people. I was intrigued now. I said what is it Brian? He said it's a book of poetry. I said did you write it? He said he did and since we had a long ride to Buffalo, he thought I might want to read some of it, since I had inspired him so much lately. I said I inspired you? He said here read this page. I took the book from him and read the words on the page. There wasn't much there but he captured the meaning.

Chapter 6

From the first day,

That I saw you,

I knew that we would be

Together forever,

When I first asked you out,

You said no,

Give me a chance, and I'll prove,

That my love is real.

It was short and sweet and made me feel good. He said he wrote it on the way back to the hotel the night we went dancing. I laughed and asked what else he had in here? I flipped through some other pages and his work was much better when he was really focused. I read this one poem that was so sweet. He said he had written it about his mom. He's so sweet. Here is a little of what he wrote when he was concentrating:

It takes a lot to know what is love,

It's not the big things but the little things,

That can mean enough,

And there is never a day that passes by,

I don't think of you.

You were always there for me,

Pushing me and guiding me,

Always to succeed.

I said oh Brian this is fantastic. He said this song was on their next album. I said it's a song? He nodded his head. I flipped the next page and kept reading and reading. I glanced at Brian to ask a question about a poem he wrote about God, and he was asleep. I turned back to read some more and before I knew it I had read the entire book. What was great about Brian's book was he never threw a page away. He'd write a poem and if it didn't work, he'd start on the next page and rewrite it. I got to see how creative he was. I didn't doubt that eventually my little poem, would be something-great one day. We arrived in Buffalo and checked into the Sheraton. Brian's room was next to Diana's and mine. Nick was across the hall from us and the rest of the guys were spread out throughout the hotel. They tried to stay on different floors so that they could have privacy from each other too. Nick and Brian usually stay on the same floor as Nick is like a little brother to Brian. We all got settled and kicked back in our room. We had two beds so Nick and Diana sat together on her bed and Brian and I sat on mine. Brian said you never did tell me what you thought of my poetry? I said I really like it a lot. Thank you for sharing it with me. Brian leaned in to kiss me and Nick said oh my god Brian, guess what's on cable? Brian looked at Nick and said what? Cable Guy! Brian said turn it up. I said what's Cable Guy? He said Jim Carey and then Brian pulled a face and said he's smokin'. O…kay! He said please tell me you've heard of Jim Carey? I said I've heard of him, but I've never really sat through an entire movie that he was in. Brian and Nick were laughing at something on the television. I sat back next to Brian and watched the movie with him. I couldn't help myself Jim Carey really was funny. He said we have all his movies on the bus. I said which ones. Brian said awl of them. His southern accent was so cute. We ordered room service and watched the movie. Brian and Nick went to get cleaned up, as we'd be leaving shortly for the venue. We were getting excited now. Well I was anyway. Diana was getting better, but she was still very reserved. I told her to lighten up, she was about to go to a free concert. She laughed and said this is the first of 12. I said so what. We got ready and I kept telling her about Brian's notebook and how he wrote this poem for his mom and it's on the new album. It's so sweet I kept telling her. She told me to stop because she was getting a tooth ache. Brian is so sweet blah, blah, blah. I asked her about Nick and all she could do was smile. I said ah ha! What aren't you telling me? She said nothing, it's just that he's perfect for me, that's all. With that she went and took a shower and left me to wonder what that all meant. While she was in the shower I walked in and said tell me what you meant by that. She asked me if I minded? She was taking a shower. I told her I didn't mind, what do you mean Nick is perfect. She just said he's very caring and affectionate, it was a change for her. Not that she dated heathens but, Nick was different and she really liked him.

Chapter 7

We headed over to the arena and the guys performed their sound checks. They sound great, of course. This was going to be so much fun. As a team they were great. They had fun up on the stage. They fed off of each other. AJ was crazy, he wore a lot of funny hats. Once the sound checks were done they broke for dinner and got dressed for the concert. Brian prayed before they went out, he kissed me on the cheek and told me to enjoy the show. I went and sat down with Diana and we waited for them to arrive. They hadn't told us anything about the concert at all. We watched as their dancers came marching in and then there were guys with hoods over their heads and we thought they were the BSB, but they weren't. A few minutes later some loud music came on and we could see smoke billowing up from some box like structure. Everyone was screaming and pointing towards it so we turned to find out what all the commotion was. We saw the guys lifted into the air on some type of surfboard type thing and fly over the crowd and land on the stage. I couldn't help my excitement. Diana even had a smile on her face. We watched as they marched around the stage, trying to be serious. Nick waved to Diana though and the crowd went wild. AJ wasn't really marching, he was kind of dancing around the stage, but he still stayed in formation. Anyway, they broke into Larger than Life and the crowd went wild. I was trying to contain myself but deep down inside I wanted to jump around like everyone else. Diana stayed pretty composed herself. Until Nick came by our side. Then she was all smiles and waving at him. Brian would wave to me too. How did we get so lucky to be able to go on tour with the BSB? We were fast becoming friends. It was fun getting to know who they really were deep down inside. We made it to the first concert and we all met up back at the hotel. Diana and I could hardly control ourselves when we were alone. It was the best concert we'd ever seen together. But we didn't want to appear to be too overly excited and scare them. When they finally did come back they all met in our room and asked us how we liked the concert. We both thought it was great. I told Brian I especially liked The Perfect Fan, he looked a little embarrassed but he thanked me anyway. AJ wanted to go out, he needed to come down from all this adrenaline. So we all went out dancing at a local club in town. I don't really like to drink so I stuck with soda, everyone else had drinks. We danced and talked and laughed and then we decided to go eat. We found a McDonalds that was open 24hrs and ordered through the drive through. It was funny because we were in a limousine and the chauffeur was paying and all the employees kept coming to the window to try and see who was inside. We all got a kick out of that. We headed back to the hotel and went upstairs and ate in my room. It had been a very long day and we were all tired. Eventually they all went back to their rooms and Diana and I turned in. Diana asked if I was still awake? I said barely, what is it? She said she's beginning to like the BSB. All I could do was smile. We woke up the next morning around 10 a.m. We hadn't seen nor heard from the guys. We dressed and headed downstairs to the restaurant for breakfast. Just as we were finishing Brian came walking through the diner looking for us. Hey, there you two are, he said. I smiled and scooted over for him to sit down next to me. He said everyone is waiting on us. I apologized and said we were hungry. He said no problem, they were eating upstairs so he'd order now. Brian ordered his Bacon and Eggs and we watched him eat. He asked us if we liked the concert last night? I said it was great I didn't expect all of what they did. He said they are going non stop the entire time. If they are not performing on stage then they are underneath it with a costume change. Once he finished we made our way back upstairs and we all set out to take in the sights. Nick wanted to play basketball so we followed them all down to a park. AJ and Howie took off to go do some shopping and so Kevin, Brian , and Nick started shooting some hoops. Diana and I really didn't want to play. But she had too, my leg wasn't healed as much as I would have liked it to be. That hurt Brian I could tell but he quickly got over it and played a game of basketball. I buried my nose in a magazine when about 20 minutes later I heard Jenny look out! I looked up just as the Basketball hit me square in the face. I felt the crack and I saw the blood. I immediately fell back and tried to pinch my nose. I could feel it swelling, and it hurt. It was throbbing so much it brought tears to my eyes. Again it was Brian's fault. They all took me to the hospital where the doctor said it wasn't broken, but I'd have a lot of swelling and it would most likely turn black and blue. Brian kept apologizing over and over. I was wondering what I was going to look like. They all had to head back to the hotel as they had the second show tonight. Diana stayed with me and we headed back into the hotel. I kept a magazine held up to my face because I felt I looked hideous. After the concert Brian knocked on my door, but I pretended to be asleep. Diana said I was exhausted and I'd see him tomorrow. Diana left with Nick and they went and did their own thing. The next morning my nose was black and blue and the size of Rhode Island. I just cried. Diana was still sleeping, I never even heard her come in last night, or this morning. As I was stepping into the shower I heard Diana yell who is it? It was the longest shower I've ever taken. Brian finally left when I started to fill the tub.

Chapter 8

Once I got out Diana asked me what was wrong? I said look at my face. What do you mean what's wrong? She said so what, you had an accident. I said I was going home. I can't follow Brian all over the place with my nose looking like this. She said Brian felt really bad, and really hurt. If you leave you'll crush him. I told Diana she was just scared that if I left she'd become Brian's target. I got up and began to pack up my things. Diana said suit yourself and she left the hotel room. I packed and cried until I heard a knock on the door. Did you forget your key I yelled? I opened the door and it was Brian. I immediately turned around and started crying. He said it's all right. He came in and I locked myself in the bathroom. He begged me to come out. I said I couldn't. I look awful, I tried not to look in the mirror but Brian kept pleading with me. He said the bus was leaving in a few minutes and we needed to get going. Just then I heard Diana and Nick come into the room. What's going on Diana asked? Brian told her I wouldn't come out of the bathroom. Finally Diana started telling me it was all right through the door. I couldn't come out. I said I'd rather die. Diana told the guys to leave and she'd work something out with me. Instead she hid them both in the closet and when I came out Diana locked herself in the bathroom and I was confronted by Brian. When he saw my nose he started to cry. He kept apologizing for the accident. I couldn't help but feel that we'd been down this road before. Brian said we really have to go and get on the bus now. I couldn't look at him. I told him I was going back home. He said please don't go, I'll make this up to you somehow. Nick with his quick wit said yeah, Brian was planning on a fat lip next. He made me laugh, but Brian didn't see the humor. But if I laughed then it was all right with him. Brian said he really was sorry. I said I don't doubt that you are sorry, I just don't want to be seen by thousands of people with this nose. Brian said he still wanted me to come. Diana had poked her head out and asked if the coast was clear. I just gave her a look. She said not yet and closed the door and went back inside the bathroom. Brian said he needed me to be with him on this tour. I just looked into his eyes. He looked at Nick and Nick said I'll be on the bus, he knocked on the bathroom door and Diana came out. She looked at me and said, I'll see you on the bus? It was more of a question than a statement. I didn't look at her. Diana and Nick left and Brian and I were alone in the room together. He said Jenny I really need you to be with me. I've gotten so used to you being around. I think about you throughout the day and you make me smile. The guys tease me because they know why I'm smiling. I'm really sorry you keep getting hurt, this doesn't say much for me I know, but I really want you to come with me, I'll make this all up to you, I promise. But what about…I started to say. Brian said he'd take care of everything. He promised then he leaned in and pecked me on the lips. He stood up straight and for a minute neither of us spoke. We just stared into each other's eyes. I stepped up to him and kissed him this time. It was no peck either. We could hear the bus's horn being blown now and we both started laughing. Brian said will you come with me Jenny? I smiled and said after that kiss, I'd follow you anywhere. He smiled and grabbed my bags and I put on a floppy hat. We headed downstairs and boarded the bus. Everyone started calling me AJ because of my wild hat. They finally convinced me to take it off. The guys were so sweet. They had me forgetting all about my nose in no time. We continued the tour and by the end of the week my nose was back to normal. I stayed away from the arena for the next 2 shows and by the third show I was back in the audience. Brian blew a few kisses to me and waved to me a few times. I knew I was falling in love with him, but my head was telling me it would never work out. He is a celebrity, I'm a nobody. I was enjoying myself immensely though. Diana and Nick were hot and heavy. They didn't care who saw them. Diana still hadn't slept with Nick yet but she teased him endlessly with her body. They were all too good to be true. We were in the home stretch now, 2 more concerts and then Diana and I would have to head back home. Diana had to go back to work and I would too. Brian and I spent every waking hour together. We took in the sights or just lied on the grass in the park. He was still writing poetry everyday. He had also strengthened my bond with God in the time that I'd spent with him. No matter what city we were in, Brian always made sure he knew where the closest Baptist church was and that we were there on Sunday morning. He had an amazing sense of compassion for everyone around him. He was so special to me. I couldn't help wonder what would happen after I went back to New York. On our last night together after the concert I asked him. I asked him if this was it for us? He asked me if I wanted it to be? I said no, but you're on the road and you live in Florida, I live in New York, how will this ever work for us? He said with a lot of prayer, we'd get our answer. Diana was having a tough time saying good bye too. I don't know which one of us was affected more by our departure. We turned in for the night, but we didn't sleep. The next morning was a very emotional one for the both of us. Brian and Nick drove us to the airport I couldn't stop my tears. Brian promised to keep in touch with me and he promised that once the tour was finished he'd fly to New York first. I said do you promise? He said he promised.

Chapter 9

We boarded our flight to New York and were very depressed all the way home. We landed in New York and caught a taxi back to my apartment. I told Diana that I really would like for her to move in with me. Tomorrow we'd clear out he spare room and fix it up for her. She was happy but missed Nick. I said for someone who teased me mercilessly about the BSB'S you sure are taking this hard. She said she loved Nick and that it was going to kill her to be away from him. She said he's so sensitive and so like me that… I just nodded my head and said I know. The phone rang and we both jumped up to answer it. I reminded her it was still my phone and she handed it to me. Brian was saying Hello?, Hello? I said hi Brian, I'm here. Diana sat on the couch and watched and listened to me talk. I told him I missed him too. The flight was fine. He kept saying hold on Nick, just a minute. I laughed, I covered the phone with my hand and said Nick's there. Diana smiled and brightened, Brian said I don't suppose Diana is with you right now? I said she's looking at me with those puppy dog eyes. Brian said she's there, now let me talk to Jenny and you'll get your turn. I laughed, I told Diana Nick was fighting over the phone with Brian. Nick wants to talk to you. Diana's tears started to fall. She did miss him, I felt a little bad now. I said Brian, why don't we let them talk first and then we can talk. Brian said but I called you, I said I know but I can hear Nick and Diana is crying and well… He said say no more, put Diana on. Diana and Nick started talking. Diana said I'm not crying I just have dust in my eye. She went into my bedroom and closed the door. Why didn't I think of that? I thought. After an hour they were still on the phone. I went into my bedroom and said okay, my turn. I've waited a whole hour. Diana said okay just one more minute. She told Nick she had to go and reminded him to call her tomorrow. She handed me the phone and I heard Nick say I love you Diana. I said oh, just a minute. Diana, come here a minute. Diana said what, I said Nick said he loves you. She grabbed the phone and said what? Nick said why did you give up the phone? Diana laughed and she asked him what he said? Nick said I said I love you. Diana said I love you too. Then I grabbed the phone and said I don't suppose Brian is still awake. Nick said as a matter of fact, no he's not. He fell asleep waiting to talk to you. Do you want me to wake him up? No, let him sleep, I'm sure he's exhausted. I'll talk to him tomorrow. With that I hung up. I walked back into the living room and Diana said that was quick. I said he fell asleep listening to you and Nick talk I guess. She laughed and the apologized. I said I'm going to take a shower. I jumped into the shower and got really comfortable. I decided to fill he tub with the hot water and just sit. There was a knock on the door. What I said. Diana said Brian's on the phone. Give me the cordless. She handed me the cordless and then left me alone. Hi I said. He said why didn't you have Nick wake me up? I said you were tired and I wanted you to sleep. He asked if I was really in the tub? I said yes so don't do anything to cause me to electrocute myself. He laughed at that. He said he loved my personality. I said is that all you love about me? He said he loved everything about me. He was such a romantic. We talked for about an hour and then I had to get out, the bath water was cold and I kept draining and refilling with hot water. Brian was getting a kick out of it, but it was annoying me. He said he'd call me tomorrow. I climbed into bed next to Diana and told her I missed Brian. She reminded me she was not Brian and I should keep my hands to myself. I just busted up laughing. The next morning we went and started to pack up her apartment. We then took my belongings out of the spare room and moved those down into storage. It took us three days but Diana was finally all moved in and I had my bed back to myself. Brian and Nick called us everyday. Diana went back to her job and I went back to working in the families Italian Restaurant. I handled the books for my Uncle Tony. He was glad to have me back because he had tried to do them himself and messed them all up. It took forever to figure out what he did. Even though Brian called everyday, I still missed him terribly. They were almost finished and Brian was trying to get me to fly up to Toronto to be with him. He said he missed me and couldn't wait another day to see me. I told him I couldn't afford the ticket. But I'd see him on the weekend. He asked me if I had a passport? I said yes but… he said pack a bag and he'd have a messenger bring by a ticket for me. He couldn't wait. I said Brian you don't have to do this. He said he wants to do this. He misses me. Awww, Brian… he said stop talking and go pack a bag. I said I need to talk to my Uncle Tony. He started to mimic me in Italian, go and talk to a Uncle Tonio. He always makes me laugh. I said Brian? I miss you too. He said he'd call me back in 30 minutes. I walked into Uncle Tony's office and begged for more time off. He didn't want to give it to me, but I'm family and when it comes to Amore, he's a sucker. Brian called 30 minutes later and I told him I had the time off. He said kissa Uncle Antonio for a mia. He said I was booked on the 8p.m. Flight to Toronto tonight. He'd see me in a few hours. I finished my shift and practically ran home. As I put my key in the door, I felt really guilty. I didn't want to hurt Diana's feelings. I walked into our apartment and she was in the shower. I took that time to pack a few things and when she got out of the shower I got in.

Chapter 10

I got out of the shower and got dressed and applied my make up . I wanted to look good for Brian. I headed for the living room. It was almost 6 and I had to go to the airport soon. I had to be there already. I walked into the living room to find Diana dressed and ready to go out. Where are you going I asked her? Oh, out to meet up with friends. She said I looked nice and wanted to know where I was going? I said to meet up with friends too. She smiled and continued to put her socks and shoes on. I went into the kitchen just out of nervous habit. I turned and we both spoke at the same time. Diana said, Jenny I need to tell you something. I said Diana I need to tell you something. We both looked at each other and smiled. I said Toronto? She smiled and said she was on the 8 p.m. flight. Me too I screamed! She said oh thank God. I didn't know how to tell you. I asked her how she got the time off? She looked down and said she lied. I said what did you say. She said there's been a death in my family. I said Diana! That's bad luck to say that. She said well there have been many deaths in my family. I laughed, she asked if I had called a taxi yet? I said no, did you? She said yes, let's go. We both grabbed our bags and headed downstairs. The taxi was waiting and we headed out to JFK. We checked in and waited for the flight to be called. It was funny as we sat in the airport surrounded by so many people. No one knows who we are Diana said. I looked at her and said who are we? She said Nick and Brian's girlfriends. I just laughed. We finally boarded the flight and headed to Toronto. We arrived close to midnight local time. Nick and Brian were waiting. I met Brian with a kiss as did Nick greet Diana. Brian must have really missed me because I don't remember his kisses being so passionate before. I said now what do we do? Brian said the bus is outside. I laughed, we flew all this way to hop on a bus? Brian said we'd be together. I said I ride on the back of a motorcycle if it meant we'd have sometime alone. Brian laughed and said that could be arranged. I told him to stop. We headed out to the bus. Howie and Kevin were already asleep and AJ was on a different bus. So Nick and Diana sat up front and Brian and I sat in the back. He said he thought about me a lot and couldn't wait to see me again. He joked and said I looked good for being all in one piece. He asked me about my nose and my leg? I said I have something to wear when I'm around you and a basketball. He said what's that. I fished out a hockey goalie mask from my overnight bag and Brian laughed so hard that Kevin stuck his head out of his bunk. Brian apologized and then he pulled me down on to his lap. I took it off and Brian started doing the Hannibal Lector impression. It was creepy. I didn't like it when Anthony Hopkins did it, and I didn't like it when Brian did it. I could see that Brian was tired and I was tired too. I said let's pick this up in the morning. I followed him to his bunk and took the one below his. I changed into my pajamas in my bunk hoping that no one would peak inside. I managed to get dressed when I heard a thud. I threw open my curtain and Brian said I was just trying to figure out how to knock on a curtain. I laughed, I said what's the matter? He said he didn't want to go to sleep yet. I sat up and scooted over and Brian climbed in the bunk and closed the curtains. We sat and talked and listened to some music. He told me about the rest of the tour and how he was looking forward to going home. I said what does that mean exactly? What he said? Home? Florida? New York? Kentucky? He said his home is where he hangs his hat. I said so where are you hanging your hats these days? He couldn't answer me. He said right now it's on this bus, but beyond that he didn't know. I told him I couldn't move out of New York, my family depends on me. He said he understood that. I couldn't help but feel sad. I asked him if he was sorry he invited me today? He said yes. Then he smiled, I should have invited you a week ago. I said Brian what are we going to do? He just leaned in and kissed me and promised we'd work it out somehow. I leaned against him and we fell asleep with our feet sticking out into the aisle of the bus. Sometime in the middle of the night we had lied down because when I woke up Brian was next to me. Not that I minded but it did surprise me. I was too tired to care so I just rolled over as best I could and went back to sleep. Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning our bus was broad sided and Brian and I were thrown to the floor. Brian landed on top of me. Brian kept saying are you all right? I said I'm fine, he said oh please don't have any broken bones. I just started laughing. I was laughing so hard that no sound was coming from my mouth and tears were pouring from my eyes. He said where are you hurt? Just then Diana came running back with the bus driver. When she saw me she said she's laughing Brian. I was laughing so hard. Brain said what is so funny? Diana said gee Brian, do you think it might have something to do with Jenny always getting hurt when she's around you? I almost peed in my pants. My voice finally came back to me. Brian was laughing now too. He helped me up but I could tell he was still nervous. I told him I was just fine when I was able to speak. We all climbed outside and joined Kevin and Howie. No one was hurt, the roads were slippery from the rain. The drivers did their thing and we went back to sleep. Brian started to climb into the upper bunk but I stopped him. Stay with me I said. He got back down and we went back to sleep. Are you sure you're all right? He said.

Chapter 11

Good Night Brian, I said. I turned over on my side and Brian cuddled right up next to me. He kept his arm draped over me until we both woke up. When we woke we were face to face and he leaned in and kissed me. His hands began to explore my body and I felt my body start to respond to his touch. I wanted him so much but I knew he didn't believe in sex before marriage. It had been stated so many times through out his career. He told he that he had really strong feelings for me. I just looked deep into those baby blue eyes of his. He asked me what I was thinking right now? I said, just how happy you make me. He gave me that winning smile of his and said he feels the same way about me. He leaning on his elbow with the palm of his hand holding up his head, he looked down at me and said he'd been miserable without me on this last part of the tour. He was distracted whenever he saw someone that looked like me or smelled like me. Excuse me I said? He said your perfume, I mean. I laughed, I knew what you meant I said. He smiled, he said you always make me laugh Jenny. You make my heart dance. Oh Brian, that is so sweet. A few minutes later I saw someone peeking through our curtain. Brian kicked through the curtain knocking Nick to the floor. What did you go and do that for, Nick asked? Brian said what were you doing poking your nose in my bunk? Nick said we're there. I didn't think you wanted to stay on the bus all day, geez. With that he got up and got off the bus. Where are we I asked? He said it's a surprise. Come with me. I got up and slipped some shoes on and a sweater, as I was in my Pj's. He stepped off the bus, Niagara Falls? Have you ever been here before, Brian asked me? No, but I've always dreamt of coming here with… I walked over to the retaining wall. You've always dreamt of coming here with whom, Brian asked? I said it not important. Tell me Jenny. I looked out over the water and said my husband on my honeymoon. It's the most romantic place I've ever heard about. Brian asked why I couldn't tell him that? I shrugged my shoulders and just watched the water and the people. That's when it hit me. I'm out here in my pajama's without my hair being combed. I ran back to the bus. Brian was yelling wait. But I kept going. I got on the bus, I was the only one so I stripped off my nightshirt and started to get dressed. I turned around to Brian standing in the aisle of the bus. He walked towards me and I tried to put my shirt on but he stopped me. He put his hands on my naked back and pulled me to him. He kissed me so passionately that I thought I would faint. Is it possible to feel how much someone loves you through a kiss? That's the feeling I felt when he kissed me. His lips traveled down my next to my shoulder, and then down to my breasts. Brian… He stood up and asked me if I wanted him to stop? I said no but… He kissed me again and I could feel my tears welling up in my eyes. He pulled me down on the bunk and began to caress my body. I said Brian we can't do this. He sat up and asked why? I said because you live in Florida and I live in New York. I jumped up from the bunk and flew into the tiny bathroom. I finished getting dressed and I brushed my hair and teeth. I stepped out onto the empty bus and put my belongings away. I walked off the bus and saw Brian signing autographs, he was so good with kids. I made my way over to Diana who was sitting on the retaining wall. She asked why I was so gloomy? I asked her if she had thought about what she was going to do about Nick? She said Jenny that's personal! I said I didn't say what are you going to "do" to Nick. I'm just wondering, you know. They live in Florida. She said but we're only a 2hr-airplane ride away. It's not the same thing I said. She asked me what happened? Nothing, but something could have but I stopped it. I noticed Brian kept looking over in our direction and smiling. I couldn't help smile and wave back at him. He makes me so happy Diana. How can we make this work? She said as Brian always says it will happen in God's time. Well what time does God have right now, I asked her? She laughed, Brian and Nick had finished signing autographs and they came towards us. Why so serious Brian asked? I just hugged him and asked if we could go eat now? He laughed and said let's go. We climbed back on the bus with Kevin and Howie and the bus driver pulled off the road at the first restaurant he passed. It was already 1 p.m. so we had lunch. It would be hours before we'd be back in the city so we took our time eating and then walked around for a little while. Then it was back to the bus. Nick and Brian put in a Jim Carey movie, dumb and dumber, it was so funny. I found myself laughing right along with them. Brian held my hand as we sat beside each other. He said I thought you didn't like Jim Carey? I said something's you learn to love. He smiled and then he kissed me. Once the movie was over we pulled out the board games. We played monopoly and some game of Nick's called dungeons and dragons. I never did understand it. The guys were tired so Diana and I played cards and watched another video as the guys took a nap. I swear sleeping is their favorite activity. I got tired just waiting for them to wake up. After 4 hours I told Diana I was going to take a nap myself. I climbed into an empty bunk and turned against the wall and fell asleep. About an hour later I woke to find Brian listening to music and reading a magazine right next to me. I turned over and met his eyes. He has the most beautiful smile. He took the headphones off and said hello, did you sleep well? I just smiled and cuddled up to him.

Chapter 12

I closed my eyes again this time I had my head in his lap and I fell back asleep. Brian put the headphones back on and continued to read until I woke up completely. It wasn't long after I woke up that we were back in the city. Nick was coming back to our place to stay with Diana for a few days. I invited Brian to do the same. At first he didn't want too, but then he said as long as I didn't mind then he would stay. We headed back to our apartment and unpacked immediately heading to the laundry mat as the guys had nothing that was clean. That was an ordeal in itself. Watching them wash clothes. Nick wanted to just through everything into one washer. Brian knew his clothes had to be separated but wasn't sure how much soap to use. So we helped them out and played cards and talked as they folded their laundry. Once that was done we went to my Uncle's Italian Restaurant. My Uncle was glad to finally meet Brian. He teased me in front of Brian about how I've been acting. Brian just smiled and hugged me. We all took a table and of everything on the menu, Brian ordered off the children's menu, guess? Macaroni and Cheese. Nick wasn't any better he ordered Pizza. I ordered the Manicotti and Diana ordered spaghetti. We were starved for a good meal. Not that they guys didn't eat good, but most of the time it was fast food. We ate and again I asked my Uncle Tony if I could take a few days off. He wasn't happy about it be when I said I'd come in for a few hours everyday to do the books, he let me take the time I needed. I was very happy about it. Brian and I spent the week taking in the sights of New York. It became all new to me. From the Statue of Liberty to Rockefellar Center. Heck even Central Park seemed greener and more vibrant. Brian had been sleeping beside me all week. We still hadn't had sex yet, I know he doesn't believe in it before marriage but that day on the bus has left doubts in my mind. I love waking up beside him. He's an early riser and usually gets up before me but he can be found reading the newspaper in bed or listening to music, or both. I don't know what I'm going to do when it's time for him to leave. Diana and Nick are always out doing something. Diana got fired from her job because she was spending too much time with Nick. She didn't like her job anyway. Uncle Tony owns the building anyway, so I don't pay much in rent. For right now she just wants to spend every minute with Nick. We decided to go bowling. I hadn't been bowling in I don't know how long. But I wanted to go. I told Brian I would stand far away from him when it was his turn to bowl. He didn't think it was funny. Brian kicked our butts in bowling, but Diana and I led them to the Billiard Room. There we kicked butt playing pool. We also got pretty drunk too. I think we knocked off four pictures of beer. We headed home on the subway and Nick and Brian were spotted on it. They both said they weren't BSB'S but the fans knew they were. So they signed the autographs and they left them alone. We got back to my apartment and continued the party. Nick and Diana went into her room. It wasn't long before we heard their love making through the door. Brian got up and escorted me into the bedroom. He laid me down on the bed and began kissing me. I wanted him so badly. He began to undress and I just looked at him. I sat up and took off my top and began to remove my clothes when he slipped underneath the covers with me. He was gentle and so affectionate. He made love to me. I have never felt pleasure from any man like I did from Brian. I couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else. He was obviously experienced, he knew his way around a woman. It made me smile, I always used to think of Brian as the altar boy in some church somewhere. But now that image was marred. He made love to me over and over again, bringing me to multiple orgasms. Never have I felt this good. I fell asleep in his arms. I loved him with my whole being. When I woke the next morning Brian was smiling at me. I said what? He said, "you're beautiful." I said am I still glowing? He laughed and said I don't know let me check, he ducked underneath the covers and began to mount me again. We showered together, another first for me. We then went and joined Nick and Diana for breakfast. Diana wouldn't look me in the eye, she knew we had heard them because we busted up laughing and we knocked on their door. Brian and Nick stayed for a few more days and then they were gone. They kept in touch for awhile, but eventually the calls stopped. The distance was just too great. It's hard to have a long distance love affair. About a year later the BSB's were in New York again and I sent a message back stage to Brian, he responded with a Backstage Pass. I went back and found him in his dressing room. The meeting was very awkward. He was dating a girl who lived in Florida and I knew he was happy. Diana had moved on and was now living in Rhode Island. So I basically lost everybody. Brian was saddened to hear that. He asked what ever happened to us? I said too many miles. He smiled and said "between the two little smiles, but I still remember you." You know the song I asked him? He nodded, well it was nice seeing you again I said. I left with tears running down my face. I still loved him.

Chapter 13

Brian followed me out and asked if I was all right? I said I'm fine. He invited me out for coffee later. I said I'd like that. He said how about Uncle Tony's? I said there is no more Uncle Tony's. He asked what happened? I said he relocated his business to California and I didn't want to go. He said you've been through some changes haven't you? I nodded and tried to hold back my tears. He looked so good. He hadn't changed. He asked me to wait a minute while he got his coat. He came back a few minutes later and we went to a small diner. We both had hot chocolates and I asked him if he was happy in his relationship. He said well to be honest with me, he wasn't in a relationship. It fizzled a long time ago. I tried hard not to let my excitement show. I said so you're single? He said yes, are you? I said yes. Then he smiled. He asked what was keeping me in New York? I said he was. Me? He asked. I said I kept praying that you'd come back, and you did. Brian reached across the table and held my hand. He said he missed me. I just nodded my head. He said let's go back to your place it's getting too crowded in here. We hopped on the subway and headed back to my apartment. He said nothing had changed here. I just faked a smile. It hurt to have him here. I still loved him and felt that the way things had ended… well, we never ended it. He stopped returning my phone calls. Now that we were alone in my apartment we really didn't have anything to say. Brian still had another 2 weeks to go on his tour and he asked me to go with him. I declined, it was too painful for me. I didn't want to pick up where we left off like nothing ever happened. He asked where I was working now? I told him I wasn't working I was going to school. He thought that was wonderful. I asked him if he ever finished my song? He said he did and sang some of it to me. It was beautiful and then I just started crying. I couldn't stop. I stood up to walk away but Brian stood up and pulled me close and just held me. Hey, what's wrong he asked? I said it's just too hard having you here. He lifted my face and told me he still loved me and he missed me. I just hugged him, it would be just like him to say something to make me feel better. He'd moved on in his life, I knew that he was just talking. He rocked me in his arms and asked me where I was going to school? I said just the community college. I want to be a nurse. He smiled and said so you can go to school anywhere for that can't you? I said I guess so. He said Florida has some really great schools for nursing. Oh yeah, I said. Brian sat down and pulled me down with him. He said he had two more weeks on this tour. I know I said. He said can you pack everything up and settle everything in two weeks? What? Settle and pack for what, I asked him? He said I want you to move to Florida with me, will you come? I lost my breath. I couldn't breathe. I asked him to repeat himself. He said move to Florida with me. He said he knew we had something special and he didn't want to lose it ever again. His life had been so lonely since we've been apart and it's a loneliness he didn't want to experience again. For the first time in a very long time, I was speechless. I just nodded my head, I tried to speak but I was stunned into silence. I finally managed to ask him if he was sure? He said this has been the loneliest year of his life. Just sitting in my apartment and talking to me fills him with such joy. I said but what if… Brian leaned in and kissed me. Catching me totally off guard. He asked if I had any more doubts after that kiss. I just shook my head no. Brian said he knew he loved me, he knew ending contact with me the way he did was wrong, but the distance between the two of us was too much for him. He took some bad advice and ended it. Cold turkey, he said. They told me to quit you cold turkey. Brian and I talked well into the early morning hours. He brought me up to date on his life and I told him about mine. He again asked me if I'd move to Florida. I said yes, I'd like that very much. Brian left my apartment about 4 a.m. he was worried because he hadn't told anyone he was leaving. Now it was 4 a.m., he was sure they would be worried. He promised to call me from each of the cities on his tour and I promised to have my house and school settled. Brian kissed me good bye and I could tell he didn't want to leave. I didn't want him to leave either. He told me he loved me, then he was gone. I started packing and I gave my notice on my apartment. I called Diana and told her what was happening, she was so jealous. She and Nick had broken up long ago, and she was back to hating the Backstreet Boys. She was happy for me though. She knew my feelings for Brian. I cried on her shoulder wondering what I had done wrong. She had to remind me of that. I told her this time would be different. Brian called every night. He was so sweet, I love him so much I hated to be away from him. We had less than a week to go. Brian would be flying in from Seattle on Thursday. My apartment was pretty much barren. Everything had been shipped to Brian's house or put in storage. New York was expecting a blizzard, just my luck I thought. The airports close in weather like this. I said good bye to my friends over the next few days. I called my mom and gave her the new address and phone number. By the last night I moved into a hotel room by the airport, as there was nothing left in my apartment. The electricity and heat were turned off. Brian was do to land tomorrow morning. I woke to an awful screeching sound coming over the PA, there was an emergency weather advisory in effect. All airports were closed.

Chapter 14

I picked up the phone and called the front desk. What's going on I asked? The clerk stated that an airplane had crashed landed at JFK airport about 30 minutes ago. What? Who? Where was it coming from? I finally asked. The clerk said turn on your television it's all over the news. I hung up and flipped on the television. The flight was from Seattle. My heart stopped as I heard someone screaming No! Then I realized it was me and that freaked me out more. The airplane had broken into two sections and I could see seats and seat cushions. There were bodies under sheets. Just the thought of Brian being out there sent me into a panic. What airline was Brian on. I no sooner grabbed my notes when my phone rang. It was Brian. He said he heard about the crash and the weather and he knew I'd be worried. I couldn't even speak. Just the sound of his voice made me cry. Brian was crying too, as he knew I was watching the news. I love you Brian, I managed to say finally. He said he would be stuck in Seattle for a while, but he'd get to me as soon as he could. He asked if I was going to be all right? I said when I have you in my arms, then I'll be all right. He told me he loved me and would call back when he knew more. I turned off the television and I noticed the red light on my phone was flashing. I called the front desk and was told Diana called and the clerk gave me her phone number. I called her and she was freaking out, she knew Brian was flying in from Seattle today and apparently it was all over the television in Rhode Island too. I told her I just got off the phone with Brian, he's all right. He's still in Seattle. I asked her if her airport was closed? She said no, I was going to ask Brian to try and fly into Providence if he couldn't get into New York. He'll be calling me back. I have his cell phone number though so I think I'll call him right now. She told me to call her back. I hung up the phone and got up to go pee and the phone rang again. Sheesh, I gotta pee people! I said. It was Brian, as if reading my mind he said he was going to fly into Providence and wanted to know if I would meet him there? I told him I'd meet him anywhere. Give me your flight information. He was landing at 9 p.m. local time. I told him I'd take the train down and call Diana to meet us both. He said great, they were boarding so he'd see me soon. I love you I said. He said he loved me too. I finally peed and then I called Amtrak. I could catch the 2 o'clock train and arrive around 5:30 p.m. I booked passage and called Diana, she'd pick me up downtown then I'd get a room at the Airport Sheraton and then we'd wait for Brian. The trains were packed but I didn't care, I was going to see Brian. I just prayed that nothing else would go wrong. I slept all the way to Providence and was one of the last to get off the train. Diana thought I'd missed the train some how. I said no way, I hugged her. I hadn't seen her in three months. She helped me with my bags and we got into her 4 Runner. We headed out towards the airport from the city and checked into my hotel. I was starving so we ate dinner, my treat and wasted some time until Brian would land. I called Brian's cell phone and he said he Hi Baby. I said how did you know it was me? He said he was just thinking it would be nice to hear my voice. Awww, I told him we were heading to the airport now. He said I don't land for another 90 minutes. I know but I want to be there when you get off the airplane. He said he couldn't wait to hold me. I love you Jenny, he said. I love you too. I hung up and Diana and I headed out to the airport. It was a good thing we got there early because there was a lot of traffic. We ended up getting there with only 20 minutes to spare. We couldn't go to the gate because it's a secured concourse. So I waited outside the security checkpoint area. 30 minutes later Brian walked into my arms and I cried. It was only then that I knew he was all right. He told me not to cry. He hugged Diana and told her it was nice to see her again. She said it was nice to see him too. Brian had no idea where his luggage was. They told him to file a report here in baggage service so we stood in a very long line while he did that. Brian had the bags routed down to Florida to his home. Brian had already booked passage for us tomorrow afternoon to Orlando. We climbed into Diana's 4 Runner and Brian said this is just like Kevin's. Diana laughed, she said and I don't even make anywhere near as much money as you guys do. Diana lived in Coventry, RI, so she didn't have far to go. She dropped Brian and me off at the hotel and left, she didn't even come in. She was pretty emotional as she knew if would be a long time before we saw each other again. So we said goodbye for the second time in a year. Brian and I went up to our room. Brian took a shower and I ordered him some food. He came out wrapped in a towel. I said I ordered some food for you. He said he was hungry, but not for food. He let his towel drop to the floor and then helped me out of my clothing. I missed his touch and his kiss more than I ever thought I did. The food went uneaten after we made love we fell asleep. Brian was exhausted and we almost missed our flight to Florida. He couldn't get going fast enough. We just made the flight. Brian surprised me with first class tickets. It was my first time flying first class. Once we were airborne Brian ordered two glasses of Champagne and toasted to "Starting over." He said that from now on things would be a lot better for us. A walk in the park, he said.

Chapter 15

We landed without incident and were met by a limousine that took us to Brian's house. He had a very modest house. Four bedrooms 5 bathrooms, it was Blue with white trim with a stone boarder all around it. It had a rock type fence in the front. It was beautiful. He helped me with my bags and he pulled the "sorry I missed you tags" off his front door. He went inside and I picked up his mail off the floor. He immediately called the post office and told them he was back and to send the packages. He then took me on a tour of his home. It was beautiful inside and out. He had a southwestern theme going on. I felt like I was in Arizona. He said we could make changes if I didn't like it. I said it's beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing. He carried my bags into the master bedroom where he had ordered a dresser for my belongings. He had a maid that came to his house 2 times a week and she had it all cleaned up nice. After I had my things unpacked Brian checked his messages. A lot of people were asking him to call them because they had heard of the airplane crash in New York and they knew that he was going there. Then there were a few messages from the airlines regarding delivery of his bags. He called right away on that one. They were out for delivery and would be delivered before 6 p.m. He then called everyone to let them know he was all right. He even called his parents. After the phone calls were done he weeded through all the mail. I sat watching him. Wondering what he would be doing if I weren't here? The same thing? Or would he just put everything off. He sensed me watching him and he smiled and looked at me. He said he was almost done, if he didn't do this now he'd never get it done. I told him I was fine. I got up and walked around his house a little bit. He had a nice piano with tons of family pictures on it. He had little Chihuahua ceramic dogs all over the place. I asked him where Tyke was? He said with a friend. Tyke was sick before he left and Brian didn't want to take him on the road this time. Tyke would be home later he said with a smile. I made my way down to the bedroom and lay on the bed. I was tired and a little nervous too. I must have dozed off because when I woke up it was dark and Brian had put a blanket over me and was asleep beside me. I curled up tightly and cuddled up next to him. He was a very song sleeper. I felt something moving at me feet and it startled me. I sat up and Brian's little dog moved up on to my pillow as if telling me I was encroaching on his territory. I pet the little dog, it was a friendly dog. So I moved over and let Tyke assume his place between Brian and I. I fell asleep pretty easily and when I woke up Tyke was gone and Brian was still sleeping. I reached over and made sure he was still breathing. Then I climbed out of bed and found the bathroom. I peed and showered and climbed back into bed wearing absolutely nothing. About an hour later Brian started stirring, I was awake but pretended to be asleep. I had the blankets tucked up under my chin so he didn't know that I was naked underneath. I watched him head into the bathroom. He was wearing some cute pajamas. When he came back I had turned over onto my stomach and had my bare shoulders sticking out from under the blankets. When Brian climbed back into bed I felt him lift the blankets and peak underneath them. I guess he wanted proof that he had a naked woman in his bed. He laid back down and I felt his hand on my back. I turned over to face him and he had a huge smile on his face. He said when did you do this as he slapped my butt? I said about an hour ago. He slipped out of his pants and then pulled his top off over his head and then flipped me over. He made love to me and told me he loved me. After we finished Brian took a shower and I rinsed off. We got dressed and Brian asked what I wanted to do today? I said I've got to find a school. He laughed, he said most girls he knew would want to go have fun instead. I told him that I was serious about becoming a nurse. He was glad to hear that. We went out for breakfast and headed over to the community college where I spoke with a counselor and I was able to enroll in some classes. We were in the process of having my transcripts sent. So it would be awhile before everything was in order. After that we went to visit Nick. Brian had some of his things packed in his suitcase by accident. Brian says it always happens with Nick's things. Brian thinks Nick does it on purpose so he has to come visit Nick. Nick had an awesome house on the beach. He had a dock out back and a boat. Nick's house was done in the beach motif. He had seashells and miniature ceramics of sea life all over the place. We all went out to lunch. Nick asked about Diana. He was surprised to find out she had moved to RI. I said she does very well for her self there. She works for the District Attorney's office. Nick was impressed. That's all we said about her though. Brian and I headed home. Brian liked to stick close to home. He was very tired and for the first two weeks I was there he did a lot of sleeping. He was constantly apologizing. Christmas was only 9 days away and I was a little anxious. I didn't have much money and Brian told me he didn't need me to buy him anything. Just having me back in his life was enough. Well, that didn't stop me from calling my parents. They were glad to help in any way they could. Dad owned a stud farm so they did pretty well for themselves. They weren't exactly rich, but they had what they needed and then some. We were going to Kentucky for Christmas, I'd be meeting his family. Boy was I nervous.

Chapter 16

Two days before Christmas we boarded a flight bound for Lexington. School was in recess and I'd start as soon as winter break was over. I had gotten the letter that my transcripts and credits had arrived. Brian never missed Christmas with his family. We headed to Brian's parent's house and I told him I was so nervous and scared that they wouldn't like me. He said it didn't matter if they liked me or not, he loved me and that was all that mattered. I just looked at him. He said they will love you, don't worry. His mom, dad, and brother all met us as we pulled into the driveway. His mom gave me the biggest hug it brought tears to my eyes. Brian could see the emotion building in my eyes. His dad hugged me, as did his brother. We finally made it inside and the smell of home baked bread billowed throughout the house. Brian made me follow him upstairs. He showed me his old bedroom. He said we'd have to share this twin bed if that's all right with you? I just looked at him and said, how long are we staying? He just laughed and said this isn't my room anymore. I'm just kidding. I followed him across the hall to another bedroom with a king-sized bed in it. Now this is more like it I said. Brian laughed and kissed me. We quickly unpacked and flew downstairs. We joined his family in the kitchen. His mom had made hot apple cider. It was delicious. I had never had it before. There would be a big family get together tonight. Brian's mother's side of the family. Kevin's already called Brian's mom said. Tomorrow night would be Brian's dad's side of the family, and then we'd all be together on Christmas Day. Brian and his brother and I went walking around the neighborhood. Brian ran into some old friends. They played some basketball, it was hard because of the ice and snow, but they still managed to play. Brian was so competitive, he was still the best player out there. It was too much longer before we had to head back to his parent's house and get ready for the first party. I wore a blue crushed velvet dress. I wore my hair pulled back in two antique silver combs. Brian loved my hair, he loved to run his fingers through it. I loved to mess his up. I could hear Brian singing in the shower as I got ready. He was always happy. I had just slipped my shoes on when I heard him say, oh…. I blew it…. I turned around and said what? He stood in the doorway only wearing a towel. He said he took too long in the shower, I'm dressed already. I just laughed. Brian put on some thick Black cords and a gray and black pull over sweater. We headed downstairs and his mom took our picture. He said he should've warned me about his family. They like to sneak up on you. I said it's all right. We drove over to Kevin's house actually. Kevin's father was Brian's mother's brother. He had passed away some time ago. But every Christmas they all met up at Kevin's parent's house for a party. It was Kevin's father's favorite time of year. He would always be remembered at this time of year. The party was a lot of fun. Food and dancing and singing. I've never had so much fun with a bunch of strangers before. The next night was just as much fun. Everyone would cook and bring something. There were gift exchanges at both parties. Brian had purchased gifts from me to who evers name was picked for me. I also received some wonderful gifts. I received a necklace and some earrings. It was finally Christmas Day. We all gathered around the Christmas Tree and exchanged gifts. Brian bought me skis. I don't know how to ski I said. He promised to teach me. His parent's bought me a sweater and some perfume and his brother bought me ski boots. I laughed, it was a joint venture huh? Brian said yes. After everyone finished opening their gifts we went into the kitchen for breakfast. Brian said I almost for got something. His family all turned around and looked at us. Brian got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I nearly screamed. His mom was crying and Brian's eyes were tearing up. All I could say was really? Brian said, Jenny Furlotti, will you marry me? YES! Oh yes, Brian I will marry you. With that he slipped a ring on my finger and kissed me. His brother and father and mother all hugged us and welcomed me into the Littrell family. We sat down and ate breakfast. I didn't taste what I was eating I was just too excited. After breakfast I made love to Brian. He asked me if I was happy? How can you even ask me that question, I said to him. Brian you have made me so happy, words can not even begin to explain what I feel. I said I have to call Diana though. Is it all right? Brian said of course. I picked up the phone and dialed Diana's number. Merry Christmas she sang into the phone. I said Merry Christmas! I'm engaged! She screamed into the phone and said really? She was so happy for me, she said and to think back on how all this started, now you're marrying him. I laughed and said I am so happy Diana. Then I started crying and couldn't talk anymore. Brian said I was doing so well. I said make love to me again. I didn't have to ask him twice. I called my mom later and told her the good news. She already knew. Brian had called and asked her and dad for their permission. Mom said he's such a gentleman Jenny. He apologized for not asking in person, but with his schedule, he just couldn't do it and not let on what he was doing. I said I love him mom, he's the air I breathe, and he's the reason I get up in the morning. She said she knew I loved him. That's how she felt about my dad. How did we get so lucky mom? She said she didn't know. She told me she loved me and congratulated us both. I hung up and went looking for Brian.

Chapter 17

We spent the rest of the Holiday with Brian's family. We had so much fun. We went sledding and ice-skating. Brian was a lot of fun. Things were going really well. It was so hard to believe I was engaged to him. Later on that summer Brian and I were married. He was desperate to start a family so I immediately went off the pill. After one year of marriage I still wasn't pregnant. Brian and I both went in and went through some rigorous examinations only to be told nothing was wrong. I was devastated I was hoping it was something. The doctor told us to relax and put it out of our minds. It would happen eventually. The Backstreet Boys were touring again, I'm tired of Brian's touring. He's never home and maybe that's whey we aren't getting pregnant. I love him so much but I just wish we had more privacy. The guys are constantly coming over. Nick is engaged to Kim, she's a wonderful girl. (hee hee) He is so lucky to find someone who copes with all of this Backstreet stuff so well. I'm still in school studying to be a nurse and I must say I spend a lot of time studying infertility. Brian gets upset at me. He tells me I can't be relaxing if I'm constantly thinking about it all the time. Our relationship is getting pretty stressful. Maybe this break will do us good. Brian leaves in the morning. He makes love to me for the last time for the next 2 months. I'll try to see him, but with school it'll be tough. The next morning I kiss him goodbye like he'll be back at 5 that night. I feel like I've let him down. We haven't been able to conceive. Brian heads to meet up with the guys and he promises to call me everyday. I just nod my head. I'm emotional now and it hurts to think he'll be gone so long. I go and call Diana. I beg her to come down to Florida for a little while. I'm so lonely. This is the first she's heard of my problems. I've kept it inside all this time. We are both emotional and she promises to come down. I call up the airline and set up an E Ticket. She'll be here tomorrow morning. I can't wait. I spent the day lounging around the house. I didn't even bother to make anything for dinner. Brian called but I didn't answer the phone. He promised to call back later. I fell asleep early, probably about 7:30 p.m. and woke to the telephone at 11:30 p.m. I just let the machine pick it up again. Brian sounded worried. I picked up the phone and told him I was sleeping. He apologized for waking me up but he couldn't go to sleep without telling me he loved me. My tears over flowed my lids as I told him I loved him too. I hung up and went back to sleep. The next morning I was a wreck. I picked up Diana at the airport and she said I looked awful. I told her I felt awful. We drove back to my house and I filled her in on everything. I don't know who was more upset her or me. She told me I can't blame myself for not getting pregnant. If Brian is all right with it then I should be too. But I'm not, I know he wants kids. He wants lots of kids. I can't even give him one Diana. What kind of life is he going to have without being a father? She asked if I had communicated all this to Brian? No, why would I upset him more? I've taken every test know to modern man and "I" can't get pregnant. I was inconsolable now. Diana was worried that I was suffering from depression and I might need to seek medical help for it. I said oh great now I'm going crazy. The phone started to ring but I ignored it. It was Brian and I just listened as he told me he loved me and would call me tonight. Why didn't you talk to him, Diana asked me? What is there to say? I said. Nothing. Diana's visit wasn't long enough. The week was up in no time. Brian called everyday, sometimes two and three times a day. I continued with school while he was on tour. I missed him terribly but felt I had let him down and I didn't want to hurt him. Brian had Nick's girlfriend Kim come and check on me frequently. We actually went to the same college. We didn't have any of the same classes together but I'd see her occasionally. She would bring me food as Diana had called Brian and told him that she felt I was becoming depressed. I was losing weight because I was not eating. I had stopped taking Brian's phone calls all together. My life was coming unglued. I stopped going to school and rarely got out of bed anymore. I had let everyone down. What hurt most was that I hurt Brian. I would have run away, but I had no where to run too. My parents thought I was living a good life. I had everything in order. The perfect husband the perfect home. The perfect life. It was more than I could live up too and it was beginning to take its toll on me. Brian would be coming home next week. He's been gone almost 2 months. He stopped calling because I never answered the phone anyway. I tried to help Rosa with the house but I didn't care anymore. She was so worried for me. She thought I might be sick. I lied and told her I was going to night school now. That's why I sleep all day. She didn't believe me, but she pretended she did. Kim stopped coming over too. When the guys got back, she and Nick would be married. They were desperate to start a family too. I tried to come out of my fog before Brian got home. I cleaned myself up and bought some new clothes as the old ones were a little big for me now. I'd lost almost 20 pounds in two months time. I now weigh 101 pounds. I tried to game some weight at the end when I realized I'd lost so much but stuffing myself with as much junk food as I could, but it was no use. When Brian did come home and he saw me, he cried. What have you done he cried? What have you done?

Chapter 18

He just held me in his arms. I tried to hold on to him but I felt so unworthy. I told him I was sorry. I was so sorry. He sat me down and asked me what was wrong? I told him I missed him that's all. He believed me for a little while. Once we went through his messages and mail he realized there was something really wrong. He asked me how school was? I said fine. The tears fell from his eyes. He asked me why I was lying to him? I said I'm not lying to you. He said don't you realize how much it hurts me when someone I love lies to me? He handed me a letter from my school. Since I have not attended school in 8 weeks I was dropped from all classes and given an incomplete. I told Brian it was too hard. I'm not doing well with this pregnancy. For a minute his eyes danced. Then he realized what I meant. I can't give you the one thing you long for the most, a baby. It's killing me Brian. It's eating me up inside. He looked me in the eyes and said as long as he had me he had all he needed. I knew that wasn't true. He told me sure he had dreams of kids crawling all over him. Someday maybe that will happen, but if it doesn't that's okay too. He loved me, he lifted my face to meet his eyes. He said I love you Jenny! He lifted me up into his strong arms and carried me into the bedroom. He made love to me and fell asleep with me in his arms. He said he missed me. He had an awful tour being so far away from me all the time. I lay in his arms and let my silent tears fall on my pillow. I asked God why I was being punished? Why couldn't I give Brian the one and only thing he's ever asked of me? I fell asleep eventually and when I woke up Brian was still with me. He was rubbing my head and kissing my forehead. I smiled and told him I missed him so much. He made love to me again. We barely left the bed for the next week. Brian is like this a lot. Once the tour ends he spends a lot of time sleeping. Since my classes had been canceled, well you know what I mean. I had more free time. I had spent the last 2 months in this bed what was 2 more weeks. We attended Nick and Kim's wedding later that month. It seemed like in no time at all, Kim was pregnant and expecting twins. That set me back a lot. Brian said it was all right. I didn't want to be here when Kim had her twins so Brian agreed to take me on a trip. Just the two of us. We've now been married for 2 ½ years and still no children. Everywhere we go we are reminded that we don't have children yet. The one day I got sick. And I kept getting sick. I went to the doctor and he confirmed that I was pregnant. I fainted on the spot. The doctor called Brian to the hospital from the studio. Brian thought I was in an accident or something. I finally told him I was pregnant. He nearly flew through the roof. He was happy, I knew he would be happy. The doctor told me I would eventually get pregnant. Brian said all in God's time. Just like he always said. His career was good but it was his down time. There would be no tours for at least another year. I felt my spirits lifting with this child growing inside of me. I read every book on childbirth and what to expect when you're expecting series of books. I was not prepared for what was to come. I started noticing that I was spotting. At first I tried to ignore it. This couldn't be happening to me. I mean, I just went through hell trying to conceive this child. I couldn't lose it now. But I did. Brian was devastated and I was sent into a deep depression. Brian was stuck with a broken wife. There was no explanation for why this happened. I was still in my first trimester and it's just something that happens. Brian was very concerned for my well being now. The doctors prescribed anti depressants for me as I was showing signs of depression. Brian promised me it was all right and that we'd try again, or we could adopt he said. I instead asked him to divorce me. I knew it was important to him to have children and I couldn't give them to him. No matter how hard I tried, I failed every time. I couldn't even carry his child. Brian said he would never divorce me. He loves me too much to let this destroy our marriage. Meanwhile Nick and Kim had two healthy babies. Brian spent a lot of time with Nick and his sons. I was released from the hospital later that day after my DNC. I've never felt so bad in my entire life. I wasn't in any pain but my heart was broken. I took a shower to wash the blood off my body. Brian climbed in the shower and held me. I just cried in his arms. Brian I love you so much. I'm sorry I let you down, I'm so sorry. Brian just cried too. We had lost a child and we were in danger of losing each other. Brian promised things would get better, he promised me they would get better. We stayed under the warm water for about 30 minutes. Brian helped me into bed and we stayed there. The phone kept ringing but Brian and I stayed put. We decided that I would try fertility drugs. We'd try one cycle and if it didn't work then we'd adopt. I still wanted to have his children. Brian made an appointment for the following week to meet with the fertility doctors. I would first have to heal from the DNC before we could go on with the procedure. For the first time in months I felt my spirits lifting again. This could be the answer to our prayers. It could also be another failure. Whatever happened I knew Brian would be beside me all the way.

Chapter 19

We met with the doctors and after they reviewed my medical history they decided that we would go ahead and try it. They wanted to go with an extremely low dose as they knew that I could conceive. The doctors were very kind, they felt that the loss of our child was a direct result of all the pressure I put on myself. They wanted me to be healthy before we started and that meant gaining about 10 lbs. I agreed I would do that. They also wanted me under the care of a therapist while I was going through the procedure and even while I was pregnant. They wanted me supported for my protection. I knew what they meant, they didn't have to say it. I left there feeling so wonderful. I caught myself singing along with the radio. I even went and visited Nick and Kim. I brought them gifts for their boys. Nick just hugged me for the longest time. He was so very sensitive. More than anyone realizes. He never laughs at people or makes fun of them in a mean way. He has very deep feelings for anyone he comes in contact with. The babies were sleeping and I was glad for that. I don't think I was strong enough to hold one of them. They were almost 4 months old. Nick and Kim looked very tired, but they held it together well. Nick and I went out back and he told me he knew I was making the right decision. He told me he admired me so much. I said you admire me? He said you almost gave up, but you didn't. You're a strong woman and Brian loves you. You mean the world to him, I hope you know that, he said. I said he means the world to me too. But it hurts you know? I started to weep in his arms. Nick said no matter what happens, you just remember that Bri loves you, okay? I nodded my head and wiped my eyes. He asked when the procedure would happen and what did it all mean? I explained the injections I'd need to take and everything else. He said it sounded all so impersonal. I know I said. I have to wait 8 weeks. It's going to be the longest eight weeks of my life. Nick said I had Brian, so it wouldn't be bad. I smiled, I said you really love Brian don't you? Nick looked at me and asked why I asked him that? I said it just shows that you care a lot about him. Nick said I care about you too. We went back inside and the boys were awake. Kim had them on the floor and she was changing diapers. Honey, why didn't you call me, Nick asked? He bent down and picked up his son from the floor. Kim said we seemed deep in conversation, besides she could handle all this. She stood up and went to toss the two diapers and wash her hands. Nick tried to hand me one of his sons. I tried to resist, but I couldn't. I held his namesake in my arms and my heart flooded with joy. I looked at little Nickolas and said I'm your Aunt Jenny. I'm so sorry it's taken so long to finally meet you. I hope you won't hold it against me. His son smiled at me. Nick had tears in his eyes and said, all is forgiven. I looked up at Nick wiping the tears from my eyes and sat down with his son. I stayed so long Brian called looking for me. Kim told him I was here and that I was all right. She hung up the phone and Brian came to get me. He was surprised to find out that I'd been here all day and even more surprised to find out that I was holding Nick's son. He kissed me on top of my head and picked up Nathan. The boys were adorable. Nick joked and said if you two ever need the practice… I laughed and Brian's eyes teared up. We'd love too wouldn't we honey? Brian said what ever makes you happy. I kissed him and said you make me happy. Just when things seemed their worst, I felt I was coming back. After 2 years of not being able to conceive, then conceiving and losing it. I felt for the first time in 2 ½ years that I'd be all right. With or without a biological child of my own. Don't get me wrong I'm still going to try the fertility drug. It's just that these babies brought back the mothering instinct in me that has been missing for so long. Brian followed me home and then we went out to dinner. We hadn't gone out to dinner in such a long time. I hadn't felt like it in a long time. Brian and I started doing a lot of things together. We started hiking again, we went to movies. We were back to making love almost everyday. I guess deep down inside of me I felt that somehow Brian wouldn't love me anymore if I couldn't give him a child. Even though he assured me time and time again that he'd love me no matter what. I could finally believe him now. Brian and I flew to Los Angeles for some publicity gig the fellas had planned many moons ago. I hardly ever traveled with him anymore. I forgot how much fun it used to be. Kim stayed home with the boys and Nick was a nervous wreck leaving her alone with the boys for the first time. She had plenty of help but still he worried about her. We stayed in Los Angeles just through the weekend. I was due to go into the clinic on Tuesday to start the procedure. I was nervous about it, but I was strong enough to realize that whatever happened was meant to be. All we could do was try. We flew back to Florida and Brian and I spent a quiet evening at home. On Monday we called our family and told them what had been going on all along and what we were about to do tomorrow. Everyone was so supportive and loving. They supported us one hundred percent. They would be anxiously awaiting the results just as we would. Tuesday finally came and I was taken into a room and put onto a table. The doctor examined me and asked me to get dressed. I was shocked. What was wrong? I felt so emotional that I could barely keep my hands from shaking. I joined Brian in the doctor's office and he was as scared as I was.

Chapter 20

We waited for what seemed like an eternity. Dr. Stanley finally came in and apologized for the delay. He started talking about something but the looks on our faces told him we didn't care. He said that he couldn't do the procedure. I just started crying. Mrs. Littrell? Mrs. Littrell, I can't do the procedure because you are four weeks pregnant. My eyes went really wide and I screamed, what? Are you sure? Brian was on his knees. He was weeping and I was kissing the top of his head. Are you sure? That's all I could say. The doctor said he was positive. He'd need to see me again in 3 weeks. Is that all, Brian said? The doctor said no, you need to take your wife home. We were floating, we were on cloud nine. We called our family and friends and they prayed for us. It was amazing, we could feel their prayers this time. This baby had a reason to live. The pregnancy went smoothly. Everything went well until my water broke. Then I panicked. How was I going to get this child out of me? Brian thought it was hysterical. He couldn't stop laughing, but I was serious. He said you've wanted this baby for so long, now you don't want her to come out? I finally saw the humor. I had a hard time pushing because I was laughing so long. But finally our precious little daughter was born. Her name is Briana Jennifer Littrell. She was named after both of us, because we wanted her so much. She of course, is a beautiful baby. No hair, but the biggest blue eyes you've ever seen. She is perfect in every way. I was way too emotional after she was born. I didn't want them to take her from the room but they had tests to perform. Brian never left my side. He hopped onto the bed with me and asked me if I knew how much he loved me? I said it couldn't be more than I love you. I fell asleep and then they brought Briana back to me. She was hungry and we'd agreed I'd nurse her. I couldn't be any happier. If I never have another child, I'd die happy. Well that wasn't the case, after Briana we had Brian, Diana, Jonathan, and Melissa. 5 children all biological, all Brian's. We were extremely busy but we were blessed and happy. I couldn't say I'd do it all over again, but if this would be the end result then I'd do it again. I still remember the first child I lost. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl but I remember my child. Brian and I both make sure we are together on that day. It's our way of acknowledging the child. He still tours but he's always with me. Our children are healthy and happy and Brian and I have been married now for 11 years. Nick and Kim had another child, a little girl. Even though Nick loves his boys, his little girl has a special place in his heart. Kevin married Jessica and they have 4 children. They live just around the corner from us. Howie is the most successful with 6 children. Caroline was his first, named in memory of his sister. AJ and Kristina have 2 children. Two boys, I feel sorry for her. I'm just kidding. AJ is still on the crazy side. He's finally stopped tattooing himself. He is a very successful solo artist. The guys still have their group but they are different now. They don't appeal to the 10-year-olds anymore, which is fine with me. Brian still writes and produces. He's won many awards for his writing abilities. They fellas are still really close and we all get together in the summer. We have 20 children between us and often play a lot of sports. We go camping and travel together. Just last night Brian asked me if I would be happy if I didn't have these kids? I said truthfully? No, I don't think I would have been this happy. I don't know why we had to wait so long to start our family, but we were blessed with some very amazing children. I think I would have been content but happy, no I would not have been happy. Brian smiled, I asked why he was smiling? He said because he loved me. He said it's certainly been no walk in the park, but he loved me and I loved him and that is all that mattered.