Chapter 1

Oh, I groan as I switch off my alarm clock. I have a very import meeting today with my publicist I need to meet him at 10am. It's now 7:30 and my dog Charlie wants to go for our run. There is no fighting her she looks forward to this everyday. I get up and wash my face and brush my hair. I put Charlie in her harness and head out for our run. I live in a gated community in the mountains of California. I moved up here about 4 ½ years ago. After a disastrous relationship with a man I almost married. I bought Charlie and packed my Durango up and I've been here ever since. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I noticed this morning that someone was moving in the vacant house on the corner. Charlie and I run by and we see that whoever it is has been there for quite sometime. We make our way down the street and into the wooded area and run on our path. 45 minutes later we are heading back home. I notice that there are a few people outside now and they are moving an awkward piece of furniture. Charlie and I are jogging down the sidewalk when a mirror starts to fall. I let go of Charlie's leash and caught the mirror before it crashed to the ground. A tall beautiful man with blond hair and green eyes thanks me for saving his mirror. No problem I say. I turn to pick up Charlie's leash and she bolts up his driveway after 3 pugs that were playing in the driveway. Oh no, Charlie come back, I yell. She doesn't listen. She just wants to play and before long this huge lab is playing with these little pugs. The sight of them just makes me laugh. He asks if my dog bites? Oh no she's a wonderful dog. She's very good with children and other animals. I reach down and pick up her leash. It was after 9 a.m. now. I said I have got to go or I'll be late. I run down the driveway and he yells to me, thanks again for catching the mirror. I just waved over my head. I ran upstairs removing my shirt and turned on the shower. I undressed and took a shower. I dressed and applied my make up and let Charlie out in the back yard. I had 20 minutes to get to our meeting location that was 30 minutes away. I hop into my green Durango and call Jeff. He answers the phone, Hi Kelly are you running late? How do you do that? I asked him. He has caller ID. I told him I was about 20 minutes away. He said OK, I'll see you in a few minutes. I arrive at the office and let his secretary know I'm here. She tells me to go right in. I apologize again for being late. He said I was right on time. I looked at my watch. It said 10:02. I guess I got lucky with the lights I say. He said it was more likely your speed. I sat down and we went over some contracts and stuff. I picked up my check and told him I'd be finished with the next novel in about 7 weeks. He said I was ahead of schedule. I asked him if he'd be at my party tonight? He said he wouldn't miss it.

After about an hour I left the office and stopped off at my bank and then went grocery shopping. As I was trying to lift a 30lb bag of dry dog food I heard a familiar voice say, let me help you with that. I assumed it was a store clerk so I stood up and backed away. I was surprised to see my new neighbor. I said something's different about you. He said contacts. Now your eyes are blue. He laughed. He said my name is Nick Carter. Kelly Brock, nice to meet you, I said. He asked all the new neighbor questions, how long have I lived here? Was it a nice peaceful town? I told him he'd love it here. He asked if I was married or had any children. No, do you, I asked? He was single too. I said you're single and live in that huge house all by yourself? He said you forgot about my dogs. I laughed his little miniature dogs. I told him it was nice talking to him but I have to finish shopping. I went about my business and bought what I needed. When I got to the produce aisle I found him tapping on watermelons. It made me laugh. I watched him from a distance as he shopped for his produce. He really didn't seem to know what he was doing. I made my way into line and waited patiently for my turn. I was reading the rag magazines until it was my turn. I paid for my groceries and walked out to my vehicle. I had to check the license number because there was an identical vehicle parked right next to it. I had to laugh. I opened up the back and rearranged some stuff and loaded up the car with the groceries. I next had to lift that huge bag of kibble off the bottom of the cart. I finally managed to get it on the bumper. Nick came out at that time and helped me with it the rest of the way. I said thanks again. He asked how I was going to get it out of the car when I got home? I told him I'll likely roll it off the back bumper into the garage. He laughed, he said he could help me. No, I've done it before I'll manage. He owned the green Durango parked right next to mine. I said small world isn't it. I said goodbye and got in my car. I backed out of the stall and waved to Nick. He was very handsome. I turned up the volume on the radio and headed home. As I was backing up into my driveway Nick honked his horn at me and waved. He scared the daylights out of me. I clicked open the garage door opener and Charlie bolted out. She had come in through her doggy door. She was excited to see me. I brought her back into the house I went for the groceries. I saw Nick walking towards my house. He said let me move that bag for you. He asked me where it went and I showed him. He said my garage is pretty clean. I said it just holds boxes and my car. I thanked him for moving the bag for me. We stood there feeling a little awkward and he finally said he'd see me later.

Chapter 2

I watched him run across the street to his house on the corner. He is so fine. I should have invited him to the party tonight. I put my groceries away and straightened up my house. I took Charlie for a walk because I wasn't going to be able to do it later. The sun was starting to set and it was my favorite part of the day. We circled our block and I tied her up in the back yard for the night. I went in and made myself some soup to hold me over until the party. I took my shower and dressed to the nines. My best friend Renee showed up first. She had bought a new car and wanted to show me. I went outside and looked over her new convertible BMW. It was a nice car. I really liked it. As we were admiring the car she noticed Nick walking his pugs. She said who's your new neighbor? I turned to see Nick walking towards us. Oh, that's Nick I said trying to hide my own excitement. She saw the little flicker in my eye. Hi I said once he stood in front of us. He said we both looked really nice this evening. He asked if we were going out somewhere? I said, no I'm throwing a party. He nodded his head. I said, if you're not doing anything you should come over. It starts in an hour. He said thanks but he thought he'd stay home. I looked at Renee and said Boring! He smiled, I said come over, and I'll try not to bite. He said he'd think about it. I said all right, I have to go and finish getting ready. I hope to see you later. I grabbed Renee's hand and we went inside. I had her sort through music while I checked on the food. An hour later people started arriving. Renee put on the music and the house got loud really fast. It was a singles party. No one here had an attachment to anyone. Everyone was fair game. We did this type of party once a month. They were a lot of fun to hold. I'd never met anyone that I found kept my interest for very long. I have been without a partner for almost 5 years. I'm only 24 years old. I joked with Renee that I hoped I wasn't passing my prime. Renee helped me put lots of food out and we had someone who was here to mix drinks for us. The bartender would give me some free time to mingle. I was introduced to a few men and we danced and talked but no sparks. I noticed Renee dancing with someone for half the night. Every time I asked for her someone said she was dancing. At least someone was having a good time. I met a man named Jeremy. He was very sweet. I danced with him for the last 2 hours of the party. He asked for my phone number. He wanted to take me out sometime. Since there wasn't any other men beating down my front door I said fine. People were leaving and I started to clean up a little. I looked around for Renee and couldn't find her. Someone said she went out front. I walked out to the front of my house and found her kissing my neighbor Nick. I was shocked and mad I had seen him first. I turned around and went back inside. Eventually everyone left and Renee still hadn't come back in yet. I went upstairs and changed for bed. I heard her come in downstairs. She ran upstairs and apologized for not helping me more. I didn't respond. She asked if something was wrong? I told her I'm tired. She said she was going home now. She'd call me tomorrow. She hugged me but I didn't hug her back. She asked if I was sure nothing was wrong? I just said good night. She turned my light off and I heard her downstairs. The door closed and then I heard some laughter. I got out of bed and watched her walking arm in arm with Nick over to his home. I could see them going up his driveway. I couldn't believe it. Why did she have to go with him? I went back to bed but couldn't sleep. About 4:30am I heard her car start up in my driveway. I watched her drive out of my tract. I went back to sleep and my alarm again went off at 6am. Charlie was waiting right beside my bed waiting for her run. I got up and washed my face and brushed my teeth and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I let it hang down today instead of braiding it up. My hair was almost down to the back of my knees. Charlie and I took off on our regular path. I just looked at Nick's house. I was jealous and mad. Why hadn't he looked for me? Why hadn't he asked me to dance? Well if he was going to sleep with Renee after only knowing her for 2 minutes well, then the hell with both of them. On my way back Nick was washing his car. I didn't even acknowledge him. I was wearing my headphones but I could still hear him calling me. That and the fact that Charlie almost made me fall by stopping to look at Nick. I just pulled her along with me and went into my house. I went upstairs and took a shower. Before I stepped into the shower I saw him walking towards my house. I didn't answer the door. I went into the bathroom and got in the shower. What did he want with me now? It's too late for that. I got dressed and put Charlie into the car and I backed out of the driveway. Nick was in his driveway and walked down to the curb. I didn't stop I just kept going. I looked at him in the rear view mirror he just watched me drive away. I ran my errands and my cell rang while I was putting bags in the trunk. Renee was calling to tell me how much fun she had last night. I bet I said. She asked what that was supposed to mean? I told her I heard her leave at 4:30 this morning. Oh she just laughed. So then you know about Nick then. I told her I was really busy right now and couldn't talk. She said I sounded mad. I said whatever, I have got to go and I hung up.

Chapter 3

How could she be so casual about this? I wondered. I drove home and began to unload the contents of my trunk. Nick was again heading my way. He asked if he could help with anything. I told him I didn't need any help. He couldn't help noticing the tone of my voice. Charlie was jumping all over him. I took my packages into the garage and turned around to see Renee pulling up into my driveway. She was happy to see both of us. I just wished I could be invisible. I closed the garage door and grabbed Charlie by the collar and told them I'd see them later. Renee asked me what was wrong with me? I said like you don't know. I turned and headed to the front door. She followed close behind me. I took Charlie and put her in the back yard. What did I do? She asked. I said nothing. I've got a lot to do here today so if you don't mind… She said you're throwing me out? I said no, I'm asking you to leave so that I can get some work done. She said since when is it a problem for me to stay here while you work? I said since now. Please leave. She had tears in her eyes. I knew she remembered our conversation about Nick. I thought he was really sweet and I told her I like him. Then she meets him and sleeps with him in the same day. I followed her to the front door and she stepped outside and I closed and locked the door. I watched her through the den window as she crossed the street to Nick. She was crying now and they were both looking at my house. He wrapped his arms around her to console her. It should have been me. She'd left her car in my driveway. That made me mad. I watched them walk up his driveway and into his house. I tried to put it all out of my mind and work on my book I promised I would finish. I heard Charlie barking and I looked at my watch. It was time for her walk. I had worked for 5 hours without so much as peeing. I let my hair down as the weight of it was hurting my head. I went to take Charlie for her walk. I walked out of my front door and noticed Renee's car still in my driveway. I shook my head and headed down the sidewalk. She was just coming out of Nick's house and smiled at me. I asked her to please move her car and I kept walking. I took Charlie on an extra long walk, as I wanted to give Renee enough time to leave. As I walked back I found Nick sitting on the curb in front of my house. As I walked closer to him he stood up to greet me. He said hi, and I said hi and kept walking past him. Why are you mad at Renee? He asked me. I told him it was personal and I'd get over it. I went inside and closed the door. I was due to leave town tomorrow so I knew I'd get over it. I packed a bag and called my mom. She always takes Charlie for me. I woke up at 6am and Charlie and I left for our last walk. It would be a week before I would see her again. We took off jogging and I noticed Nick and Renee in the driveway of his home. I didn't even look in their direction. Charlie and I finished our run and when I got home my mom was there. Hi mom I said as I kissed her cheek. She said Renee was here. I said I'll be in the shower. My mom asked if I heard her? Yes I heard you and if I don't get in the shower I'm going to miss my airplane. I ran upstairs and got in the shower. I washed my hair and got dressed. My mom had cut up a grapefruit for me. I sat and talked about my trip. I was really looking forward to New York. I dried my hair and loaded my suitcase in the back of my mom's car. I pulled my car into the garage and locked it. 20 minutes later mom and I were heading for the airport. While in the car she said Renee was really upset this morning. I just rolled my eyes. She said she feels like she's lost your friendship. I didn't respond. She yelled my name. What? Don't scare me like that? My mom said what did she do that was so terrible? I told her about my neighbor and how I told her that I really liked him and how "I" invited him to the party. She slept with him. Mom's jaw dropped. She said wasn't this one of your singles parties where everyone was fair game? I said it was but I told her I liked him and she betrayed me. Well, what if your neighbor didn't like you? That's not the point. I should have at least gotten a chance. Lucky for me I didn't live too far from the airport and we were there. I didn't want to discuss it anymore. I thanked her for the ride and kissed her. I said goodbye to Charlie took my bag and left. I had a connecting flight in Los Angeles. I checked in and boarded the little puddle jumper to Los Angeles. As we departed I watching as the houses got smaller and smaller and the mountains didn't seem quite so high. I was praying that I'd be able to forgive Renee over the next week. I made my connection in Los Angeles and headed for JFK airport in New York. 6 hours later I arrived. A driver met me at the gate and we went down and picked up my bags. I was driven into Manhattan and I checked into my hotel. It was almost 7pm. I ordered up room service and called Jeff and told him I'd arrived. He was glad. I was here to promote my new book and to also attend a lot of parties. I hadn't thought of Renee or Nick all day. I called my mom and let her know I had arrived safely. I was eating and then I'd go to bed. My dinner finally arrived and I took a shower and jumped into bed and watched the local news. The next thing I knew it was a new day.

Chapter 4

I got up and went through my morning routine. I dressed for my run. I was excited because this morning the scenery would be Central Park. I made my way downstairs and outside. I crossed to the park and had my run. It was beautiful. It was very warm and there were a lot of people. I'd heard a lot of celebrities run in this park so I kept my eyes peeled for them. No luck today I didn't see anyone famous. I made my way back to my hotel room and showered and dressed for the day. Jeff had called and he wanted to go to breakfast. I called him back and said I was ready. An hour later he was standing in my hotel suite. We went to breakfast and discussed the next 5 days. I had a party every night. Jeff asked if I had a date. I asked him who I knew in New York? He laughed. He asked if I minded if he brought someone. Not at all I said. Someone should get laid her in New York. He laughed at my boldness. We spent the next few hours taking in the sights together. I love New York and I never get old of the landmarks. We had lunch on Broadway and he took me back to my hotel. There he called his girlfriend and told her he'd be back to the hotel in a few hours. We went over a concept for a series of books I wanted to write, I wanted to gear it to the teens. He thought it was a great opportunity for me to get more exposure. We finished our talk and he had to go. He said he'd be back at 7 to pick me up. That gave me three hours. I took a shower and put hot rollers in my hair. It took three sets of hot rollers for the amount of hair I had. Someone suggested I get a perm for my hair. It costs almost $200.00 to perm the amount of hair I have. I'd rather spend the hour rolling my hair. I don't go to too many of these anyway. I laid out my dress and looked for nylons. I ordered a salad from room service. I had a huge lunch at Joe Allens. Once I finished that I applied my makeup and dressed for the party. Jeff and his girlfriend Cynthia arrived at 6:45. They looked so handsome together. We left for the party. I thought we'd be too early but a lot of people were already there. We stopped off at the bar and got our drinks and began to mingle. I met a very handsome man named Kevin. He had the most amazing green eye's I'd ever seen. I danced with him a few times. I kept meeting his eyes across the room. He's so mysterious. We sat down to a dinner and I wasn't very hungry. I looked around the room and saw Kevin sitting at the Sony Entertainment table. I turned to Jeff and asked if he knew Kevin Richardson from Sony? He said he did. Stay away from him, he's married and a major player. My heart sank. He said he saw me dancing with him but hasn't had the chance to warn me. I picked at my food and once the plates were cleared the dance floor was opened again. I grabbed another glass of champagne and danced with a few guys. Kevin asked me to dance again and I did. He was cute after all. I just knew that I wasn't going to have a relationship with him. I noticed that he didn't have a wedding ring on and I asked him of his marital status. He said he was separated from his wife. I told him I was sorry to hear it. He asked about me. I'm single and looking I said. I live in California and wasn't looking for a long distance relationship. He smiled and said he lived in Los Angeles. The song ended and I thanked him for the dance. I started to walk away but he asked where in California I was from? I said I don't think you need to know that, but again thanks for the dance. I walked away. I found Jeff and asked if he was ready to go? He said not really. I told him I'd take a taxi back to the hotel then if he didn't mind. He asked if I was sure? I said enjoy your evening, I'll see you tomorrow. I had the doorman get me a taxi and went back to my hotel room. I had 4 messages from Renee. My phone rang and I was afraid to answer it. Maybe it was Jeff making sure I got back all right. I answered it and it was Renee. I did miss her but she hurt me. She said finally I get you. I told her I just received your messages I've been out all day. She wanted to know why I didn't tell her I was going to New York? I told her what did it matter? She wanted to know if I'd ever forgive her? I said I'm sure I will but not right now. She said if it was any conciliation she wasn't seeing Nick anymore. That got my attention. Why not I asked her? She said that their relationship was sex and only sex. I told her I didn't need to know that. She said she liked him but didn't love him and he didn't love her. Then why on earth did you sleep with him? She couldn't answer me. I asked if she was all right? She said she was. She missed me a lot. She was crying, I could tell. She asked when I was coming back? Saturday night I said. It was only Monday. I told her it was late and I was tired. We said good bye and I took a shower and climbed into bed. Jeff called me the next morning. We had a meeting in New Jersey with some publishing company. I hated these things. He'd pick me up at 10am. I went down for my run in Central Park. It was so nice to run in this park. It's so green and there are always a lot of people around. True to his word Jeff was at my door at 10. The entire week went like that. Meeting during the day and party at night. I was so happy when Saturday finally came. Jeff and Cynthia were going to stay on for a few more days and do fun things together. I boarded the flight for Los Angeles. When I made my connection I found my neighbor Nick on the puddle jumper. It only held 19 passengers and there were only 6 on the plane. He took the seat next to me. He was the last person I wanted to see.

Chapter 5

He was happy to see me though. He asked where I had been? New York I said without facing him. Wow, that must have been fun? I nodded. He asked why I was mad at him? I said I'm just tired I just flew in from back east. He said OK, but I knew he wasn't convinced of it. The airplane landed 25 minutes later. I retrieved my luggage and met my mom at the curb. Charlie was on a leash and very happy to see me. I hugged my mom and bent down to say hi to Charlie. She was all over me. Nick walked by us and said it looks like some one is happy you're home. Mom smiled at him and I just kept hugging Charlie. I stood up and Nick walked away. Who was that she asked? Oh, just a neighbor I said. Cute she said. Mom! I said. She just laughed she said I may be old but I'm not dead. We got in and mom drove me home. I could see Nick's green Durango ahead of us. I was so happy to be home. I threw my clothes in the washing machine and loaded Charlie in the car and headed to the dry cleaners with my dresses. I stopped and picked up some groceries from the store and drove home. Renee's car was in my driveway. She asked where I had been? Running errands I said. She hugged me and I tried to hug her back. She said you haven't forgiven me have you? She helped carry the groceries into my kitchen. I said I just felt betrayed, you hurt my feelings and we were supposed to be best friends. She apologized, she said she wasn't dating him anymore and that she didn't think he was dating anyone. I looked at her and said no thank you. I didn't need her leftovers. She said all he did was talk about you anyway. That got my attention, but I tried to play it off like it was nothing. She said he asked me all sorts of questions about you. What you did for a living? Was I dating anyone? I said why was he interested in me? He was supposed to be dating you. She said it didn't really bother her. She knew that she didn't love him and she was enjoying the sex. I said you're pathetic. She said why? Never mind, are you hungry? She said not really. Let's take Charlie for a walk she's very anxious. She smiled and said are you sure you don't mind? I said if I minded I wouldn't have invited her to come along. I put Charlie's leash on her and we took off on our walk. We talked about my trip to New York and this guy I had met. He was married and asking me out. I was thankful that Jeff was there to fill me in on him. She said it would have only been sex, who cares you should have went out with him. I told her I had more respect for myself than that. I quickly apologized. She said I am who I am, no need to apologize. That's Renee, she's always been a little out there, I guess that's why I liked her so much. We headed back down my street and Nick and his pugs were in his front yard. He was doing some yard work. Charlie started barking and I lost her leash. She bolted up the driveway and started playing with the pugs. Nick turned and smiled. Renee and I walked across the street to get her. He said hello and we both said hi. I called for Charlie. Nick said she really needs a friend. I told him the last thing I needed was two dogs sleeping in my bed. He said Charlie sleeps with you? I said she sleeps at the foot of my bed by my feet. I called for Charlie again. He said let her stay. I'll bring her back later. I said OK fine. I don't feel like standing out here in the hot sun. He said he would be another hour or so and would bring her over. As we left the driveway he closed his electric gate on his driveway. Charlie didn't even look back. Renee and I ate lunch by my pool. The Fourth of July was coming and we wanted another party. I liked these parties the best as people weren't dressed in very much. It was still a singles party. Renee and I called a friend who did BBQ's, and stuff like that. He would cook again for us this year. We were working on the list when my doorbell rang. Nick had brought Charlie back. I invited him in and he found us in the kitchen. It surprised me how Nick and Renee acted around each other. They had just ended an intimate relationship and they weren't even feeling awkward. It surprised me when she invited Nick to the party. He said he'd love to come. He was looking from me to her. He sat down at the table and I offered him a drink. I told him it was a pool party. It's another of our singles parties so he couldn't bring a date. I was embarrassed to even say it. I really had strong feelings for him. He was so handsome. He had the cutest laugh. We sat at our table for over an hour discussing the party and my trip. Renee joked and told me I should call Kevin and invite him. Heck no! I don't want him here. She said no for me! I had to laugh, but then I stopped. Renee said she had to go. I said yes, I have to finish cleaning my house hoping Nick would get the hint. He did, he got up and I thanked him for watching Charlie. She stood up at the mention of her name. I told her not now later, we'll go for your walk. Nick said goodbye and Renee got in her car. She said I was leaving so that you could be alone. I told her I had things to do. She said I know you like him. I shook my head. She said I could see it on your face in there. With that she backed out of my driveway and left. I looked across the street at Nick walking up his driveway. He was so handsome.

Chapter 6

I went back inside and finished my laundry and cleaned up our lunch dishes. I vacuumed and dusted and washed my windows. The gardener and pool man come tomorrow so the yard will look nice. I called someone to clean my outside windows. I hated that job more than anything. I took Charlie with me while I had my car washed and waxed. I had had a busy day. I planned on taking Charlie for her walk and then going to bed. We went for our walk and I again found Nick sitting on the curb in front of my house. Hello I said. Hi, he replied. I sat down next to him. He had his pugs with him so Charlie was excited. I told him he should take the dogs for a walk with us at night. He said he'd like that. I asked him what was on his mind? He wanted to know if I needed any help with the party? Did I need him to bring anything? I said no, I've been throwing these parties for so long that they just all come together. I have everything catered and it's easier for everyone involved. He smiled. So how long have you been doing this? I said this is my 3rd year. We normally alternate between Renee's house and my house. I have a pool and she doesn't. He said it must get expensive. I said yes it does, but if I meet someone then I won't have to have the party anymore. So it's a wise investment. He asked if I had ever met anyone? Not really I laughed. I said usually the men just want sex and no commitment. That's not what I'm looking for. He just looked at me. Then I said I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. He said it's all right. So she told you about us then? He asked me. I said yes. He asked if that was why I wouldn't talk to him on the airplane? I said that was part of it. He said they didn't have anything in common. I said, then why did you sleep with her? He said he was lonely and she wanted to as much as he did. He said you wouldn't know anything about that though. I looked at him and said what's that supposed to mean? He said well you have all these parties and go to a lot of parties. You must meet a lot of men. I said I do but I don't sleep with them. He looked at me with that, sure you don't, look in his eyes. I told him I hadn't had sex in almost 5 years. He looked shocked. I told him once I ended it with me fiancee that was it. I told him I have to keep clearing away the cobwebs before every party. He laughed. I said I date but I don't sleep around. So if this is your attempt to try… He said it wasn't. He did like me but he wouldn't do that to me. I said you did it to Renee. He said that was consensual. I was yawning now, I said well I love to stay and talk more but I'm very tired. He stood up and gathered his little dogs and said good night. I grabbed Charlie's collar and we went to bed. The next day Nick was out front waiting for us. I said we run in the morning I don't know that your dogs would keep up with us. He said they would. I said OK and we took off jogging. Nick and his dogs ran behind us, there little legs couldn't really keep up with us. Once we got to the wooded area I stopped. I let Charlie go and run into the woods. She loved this part of the run the best. Nick said is it safe to let them go? I said it was. We sat on a log and watched them running through the downed trees and wooded area. They are so much fun together aren't they? I said. Nick's little pugs were afraid of everything and Charlie wasn't helping things by pouncing on them. After a little while the pugs got used to the area and started darting in and out from behind trees. I called Charlie and Nick's pugs followed her. I reattached her to the leash and we headed back home. Nick said that was fun. I told him I'd see him later. He asked if he could take me to lunch? I said I'm really busy. I have to finish my book before I fall any further behind. He said OK, I said maybe tomorrow depending on how much I get done today. He smiled and said OK, tomorrow then. I went inside and took my shower and sat down at my computer. I again worked through lunch right up until dinner. I had really gotten a lot done Charlie at my feet the entire time. I went down to fix something for dinner and my doorbell rang. It was Nick, are you going for your walk? I'm a little behind come in I said. I finished my sandwich and put my shoes on. Charlie was getting excited. I asked him where the dogs were? He said they were in his yard. I pulled my hair up and tied it in a knot and we left. We crossed over while Nick got his dogs. They were looking forward to the walk too. He asked if I was going to be able to go to lunch tomorrow? I said I had gotten enough done so I thought I could. He asked what type of food I liked? I said I'm not picky. He said he'd pick me up around noon then. We finished our walk and sat down in front of my house again. I said I needed a bench or something. I asked what he did for a living? He said he's an entertainer. Really, what kind of entertainer I asked? He said he sings. I asked if he was any good? He said he makes a living so he thought he was pretty good. I said I didn't mean it like that. He said he'd bring me a CD tomorrow. I said OK, maybe it would inspire me in my writing. He laughed, he said or distract you. We said good night and I went to bed.

Chapter 7

I woke up very early and couldn't go back to sleep. My sleep patterns were messed up from the NY trip. It was 4:30 so I decided to use this time to finish up my book. I turned on the computer and worked until 7am. Charlie was ready for her run. I met Nick in the driveway and we took off on our usual path. He said he noticed I was up early this morning. I said how did you know? He said he gets up at 5am, he can't get out of that habit and he noticed my lights on. I told him I was writing. He asked if I had finished my book? Not yet but I'm so close I can taste it. He laughed at my little expressions. We got to the wooded area and let the dogs loose. He handed me his CD and I thanked him. What a great cover I said. I pulled out the jacket and read the inside. Who is Melissa? I asked him. My exgirlfriend he said. I looked at him. He said really this was 2 years ago. I looked over the credits and the acknowledgments. I said you must have really loved her. He said he did and it was a long time ago. I asked what happened? If it's too painful then you don't have to tell me. He said she cheated on him. Boy did I understand that. He said not just once either. I told him I was sorry. I could tell that it really bothered him. I looked over the song titles and the words. I said I really like it when you guys put the words in the jacket. He smiled he said he insists on it. He sang so many songs wrong as a child. I called for Charlie and the dogs all came running. We headed back to the house. I told him I'd see him at noon, and also thanked him for the CD. I went inside and took my shower and put the CD in my computer and listened to it. I figured I finish writing the rest of the book but instead found myself following along with the songs. He had an incredible range. I thought he had a great voice. My phone ringing startled me it was Renee. She asked what I was doing? I'm trying to finish my book. She asked what I was listening too? I said Nick gave me one of his CD's. She said oooooooh, you sure are spending a lot of time with him. I said we walk our dogs together. She asked if I was free for lunch today. I told her I had to finish this book. She said you have to eat too. I said actually I already have plans. She said with whom? I said a friend. She said its Nick isn't it? When I didn't answer she just laughed. I said are you mad? She said hell no, I was calling to invite you to lunch so you can meet the most amazing man I've ever met. I just laughed to myself. She bounces back so fast. She said I'd have to wait until the party. I said you can't bring a date. She said I know that, I'm having him meet me there. I asked her to take it slow this time. She said she was. She said she had gone out with him 3 times all ready and hadn't slept with him yet. I laughed so hard at that. She said you must be so proud of me. I told her I just wanted her to respect herself. She said is that really Nick singing? I said his picture is on the front of the CD cover so I assume it is. She said well I'll let you get back to work. I said well actually I wasn't getting much done since I got the CD. She laughed, she said your reading the insert aren't you? I laughed she knew me so well. She said to ask if he had another copy. I told her to go buy it. I hung up and tried to concentrate I did finish the book finally. I emailed Jeff and told him I had finished. I'd put the manuscript in the mail today. I dressed and got ready for Nick. He was dressed in a pair of black slacks and a gray pull over shirt. He had his hair slicked back and was wearing his glasses. His left eye was really red. He said his contacts were irritating his eyes. I put Charlie out in the back yard and we drove to the restaurant. I'd never been to the Claim Jumper before. It was new here in California. Nick said they have them down in Los Angeles. I asked if that was where he moved from? He said yes. We ordered and waited for our food. The waitress brought me my margarita and I told him I'd listened to his CD. He looked a little embarrassed. I said it was a distraction for me. I followed along with the insert. He laughed. I did finally finish the book though. Renee called to invite me to lunch. I told her I had plans. He asked what she said when I told her I was going out to lunch with him? I said she asked me to ask you for a copy of your CD. He laughed. I said, I told her to buy it. He laughed again and said he'd get one for her. Our lunches came. They served so much food it was unbelievable. I had ordered the Chicken Fajitas. I said there is no way I'll be able to eat all of this. Nick smiled.

They can box it up if you don't eat it all. We had a wonderful lunch and then he drove me home. I told him I was going to swim off some of this lunch and invited him over. He asked if he could bring the dogs? I said sure bring Huey, Duey and Louie. He said that's not there names? I said Curly, Larry, and Moe? He laughed. I said they are just too funny. Bring them, Charlie will have fun. I thanked him again and went in to get changed. I was out checking the chlorine content in the water when my doorbell rang. I went inside and opened the door. The dogs ran between my legs smelling everything. I let Nick in and closed and locked the door. I had my boom box out by the pool and a cooler with drinks. Charlie was soaking wet. Nick asked what happened to her? I said she swims. He said that must be awful on your filter. I said the pool guy gets on me every week. But she's my baby so I let her swim. We heard a splash and turned to see her swimming across the pool again. We just laughed at her.

Chapter 8

We spent the afternoon in the backyard of my house. The dogs tired out pretty quickly and Nick and I relaxed in the pool. He had a nice body too. I couldn't wait until The Fourth of July. Nick had a meeting to go to tomorrow so he wouldn't be with us on our walk. He said he was finishing up another CD. It would be released in time for Christmas. I told him if it was as good as the last one he wouldn't have any worries. He smiled I handed him another beer. I turned over on my back and dozed off. I heard a splash in the pool and it scared me. It was Charlie. I apologized for falling asleep. Nick said he was sorry for being so boring. I said it's just the time zone thing. I got up and jumped in the pool. Nick followed. We batted a beach ball around the pool as if we were playing volleyball. I was getting cold and decided to get out. Nick followed and sat down and dried off. His whole body was glistening. He had strong looking hands and feet. Veins popping out all over. I finished my beer and I asked Nick if he was hungry. He said he could eat. I wrapped in my towel and we walked into the house. I said I have fajitas left over from lunch? He said that would be fine. I fixed myself a salad and heated up the fajitas for Nick. He asked if that was all I was eating? I said I don't each much. I turned on the television and we sat together on the couch and watched the news. Nick said he had fun today and hoped we could do it again soon. I told him I'd like that. He went and got his dogs and said he'd see me tomorrow. He kissed me on the cheek and left. I had chills run through my body. 2 more days until the party. I ran upstairs with a huge smile on my face and jumped in the shower. I changed and went and got Charlie for our walk. Nick wasn't outside so I went and knocked on his door. He was on the phone and had a towel wrapped around his waist. He told me he'd be a minute. I smiled. He looked at me funny. He finished his conversation and went and changed. He harnessed his dogs and we walked around the neighborhood. He placed his arm around my shoulders and I looked at him. He asked if I minded? No, I don't mind I said. We continued our walk and stopped off at a little park. We let the dogs run around and we sat on a bench. He said he'd be at his studio for most of the day tomorrow but wanted to take me to dinner. I said that would be fine. I didn't have any plans. He asked for my phone number so that he could call if he was running late. I told him I'd write it down for him when we got back. The dogs were panting pretty hard now and we decided to take them home. He held my hand now and when we got back to our street he said he'd be right over. He put his dogs in his house and came over. I wrote down my phone number for him and he gave me his. Charlie was noisily lapping at her water. She disappeared through her doggy door and Nick and I sat on the couch. He asked if I was ready for the party? I said I'm so excited. He asked if I would save a dance for him? I looked at him and said I'd save them all for him if he wanted me too. He said would you do that? It's supposed to be for singles. I said I am single. He smiled he said well you know… I said I know what you mean. I said there really isn't a lot of dancing. We spend the day at the pool. I asked him if I could leave Charlie at his house? He said of course. I said I usually lock her in the garage but I always feel so bad about that. He said you really love that dog don't you? I said it's nice to be loved and not have to perform to get it, do you know what I mean? He said he did. It was getting late and he had to go. I walked him to the door and he kissed me. It was such a passionate kissed it rattled me. I looked deeply into his eyes afterward and said whoa. He smiled and said he'd call me tomorrow. I watched him walk across the street and run up his driveway. I went up to my room and called Renee. I said we need to talk. She asked if anything was wrong? I said I think I'm in love. She practically screamed. With who?! I said Nick. She said oh my God! What's been happening over there? I told her how we've been getting to know each other by walking the dogs. We went to lunch and he came over to swim this afternoon. I told him he kissed me today. She said the things that man could do with his tongue. He must have rocked your world. I said it was just a kiss. She told me if I were not careful I'd have to leave for my own party. I said I'm still single. I haven't known him that long. She asked what we were doing tomorrow? I said he's got to work so nothing. She said let's go shopping then. OK, come pick me up I said. I hung up the phone and went to bed. When I went for my walk the next morning, Nick was just pulling out of his driveway. He pulled over to the curb and I walked to his window. He rolled it down and said good morning. I told him he was getting an early start. He said he hoped that he could be home early. He hated the LA traffic. He told me to step closer to the car and he leaned out and kissed me. I asked what that was for? He said he just wanted too. I couldn't help but blush. He said he'd miss me today. I said goodbye and he left. Charlie and I jogged out to the wooded area. She wouldn't go into the woods, I think she missed the pugs. We jogged back to the house and I took my shower. I loaded her into the car and went to FEDEX my manuscript to Jeff. Renee showed up around 11:30 and asked if I was ready? Of course I am, I said. When have you ever known me not to be ready for shopping? We laughed. We spent the next 2 hours in the mall. I bought a new bikini. She asked if it was for me or Nick? I just shot her a look.

Chapter 9

We ended up having lunch at Chili's. I got back home around 3:30pm. Nick still wasn't home. We walked in my house and there was a message on my answering machine. The first message was from Jeff, he'd received the manuscript and was having it proofed now. He thanked me for another great book. Mom called to say hi. Nick called to tell me he missed me and would see me tonight. Renee's eyes went wide. Play that again she said. No, what's wrong with you I asked her? Nick never even asked for my phone number she said. I asked her how this week's Mr. Right was? She said it was over. Why I asked? She said she wouldn't put out and he didn't want to wait. I told her I was sorry, she said oh don't start I will find someone tomorrow. Yes you will I said. We went through the things we bought and hung up some decorations. I had bought a tank a helium tank and some red white and blue balloons for tomorrow. Renee and I hung the streamers. Nick called back and told me he'd be home in about an hour. I told him I'd be here. Renee left for her house so that I could get ready. Nick was taking me to dinner and then dancing. I'd bought a new dress for tonight. I showered and put my dress on and my makeup. I told Charlie no walk tonight, like she understood. I mixed in some leftovers for her in her dog food. She soon had a full stomach and lied down to rest. She stood up wagging her tail at he front door just a minute before the doorbell rang. I opened the door to find Nick standing there. I had Charlie move and Nick came in my house. He said I looked beautiful. I put Charlie in the back yard and Nick and I drove to the restaurant. We were escorted to our booth and Nick slid in right next to me. I ordered a white wine and Nick ordered a beer. He asked me about my day. I told him I went shopping with Renee and took Charlie for her walk. How was your day? He handed me a tape of his nearest release. He said he'd get me the CD once he got it. I thanked him for it. He leaned in and kissed me. I opened my menu and looked over it. The waiter returned and asked for our orders. A few minutes later he came back with our salads. He told me about the songs on the new CD and that he really thought this was some of his best work. I said after hearing the last CD he now made me want to go home and listen to the tape. He laughed. I asked where we were going dancing? He said a little club he knew of on the Eastside of town. He had asked around today and this club kept coming up. Our salad plates were cleared and our dinner's were served. We talked about the party tomorrow. I told him Renee and I had hung up some streamers I would have to inflate the balloons in the morning. Nick said he'd help me. Sure, that will be great I said. Nick paid the bill and we drove to the club. Confetti's, I've never even heard of it. We went inside and the place was packed. It was loud and they played great music. We found a table and sat down. I ordered another white wine and Nick ordered a beer. We went out and danced a couple of songs. Then a slow ballad came on. Nick pulled me to his body and I laid my head down on his chest. His heart was racing. I looked up at him and he asked if I was all right? I said your heart is racing. He said that's what you do to me. He bent down and kissed my lips. I placed my head back on his chest. We went back and sat down. I drank my wine down a little to fast. We talked for a little while and danced some more. Someone came and recognized me from one of my parties. He asked if I'd like to dance? I said no, I was here with someone. Nick returned from the men's room to hear me say that. He sat down in the booth and scooted next to me. The guy said it was nice seeing me and he left. Who was that, Nick asked? Someone who had come to one of my parties. I don't remember him. Nick asked me to dance again. It was getting late Nick drove me home and it was already after 2am. I told him I'd be sleeping late if Charlie let me. He laughed. He said he'd be up at 5am. He hasn't been able to sleep past 5 in years. We kissed for a little while. His hands started to explore my body. I told him it was time for him to leave. He apologized, I told him not to. I said I enjoyed it as much as he did, but I have to get some sleep and if he doesn't leave now I wouldn't get any. He smiled and stepped closer and kissed me again. I watched him run across the street to his house. I closed and locked my door and went up to take a shower. Charlie climbed up on my bed and I fell asleep. At 9am I got up and Charlie and I went for our jog. I stopped off at Nick's and asked if he wanted to come with us. He harnessed up his dogs and we took off. A lot of families were marking their territories in the park. Today was the Fourth of July and there would be a lot of cook outs. We let the dogs loose in the woods and Nick and I sat on the log. He asked what I needed done today? I said before too long my friend Dave would be setting up his grills. He would be barbecuing chicken, hot dogs, and hamburgers. He would also have corn and potato, and macaroni salad. Wow you go all out for this. I said once a month to find the right guy I'd do anything. He looked at me. I said well I wouldn't be looking today if he wasn't. He said he had no reason to look at another woman. I kissed him and told him we should get the dogs. He pulled me closer and kissed me again. I said I hate when you do that. He looked shocked and asked why? I said I get too weak in the knees. He smiled. The dogs came flying out of the woods. We harnessed them back up and went home.

Chapter 10

Nick also took Charlie and promised to give her some water. He put all the dogs in the back yard and changed for the party. He came over with a towel and a camera. He had on his bathing suit and a wife beater. I told him he looked nice. He smiled. He slipped out of his flip-flops and shoved them underneath one of the chaise lounges. I draped my towel over the chair next to his. He helped me with the helium balloons. My doorbell rang, it was Renee. She said hello and helped tie off the balloons with Nick. They were talking and having a good time. It made me jealous. I now knew she was single so now I was nervous around her. Once I inflated the last balloon I went upstairs to change. I found myself sneaking peeks at them out back. They were laughing and having a good time. Renee was setting up the music and glanced up to see me in the window. I turned and walked away. I was already feeling down. I had grown so close to Nick over the past week and now I felt that she was going to ruin that for me. I went downstairs and the doorbell rang again. I opened the door and the guests were arriving. I left the door open and taped a note on the screen for them to just come in. In a matter of an hour we must have had at least 30 people here. The music was loud the grills were getting hot. Nick was beside me most of the day. Renee had set up her chair on the other side of Nick and it made me very uncomfortable. I found myself ignoring her. If she noticed she didn't say anything. We danced a little and spent a lot of time in the pool. I was having fun but was constantly watching out for Renee. She seemed to have found a guy and appeared interested. I went inside to answer the phone and when I came out she was dancing with Nick. I just stood in the doorway talking to my guests and keeping my eyes on them. My heart hurt is the only way I can explain how I felt. She was rubbing herself all over him. I went upstairs and just cried. I knew I was in love with him, but I wasn't willing to go as far as Renee was to keep him. I fell asleep on my bed. When I woke up it was dark. The party was still going on though. I looked outside into the backyard. Nick and Renee were still there. There still seemed to be a lot of people. I showered off and dressed. My wet hair hanging down. I walked downstairs and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. I was on the verge of tears. I walked over to Nick's house and brought Charlie home. She would make me feel better. I finished my beer and found her harness. I took her for our walk even though it was very dark. The parks were still filled with people waiting for the fireworks show. I hurried home as it got closer to 9:30. I knew Charlie would be afraid. I sat out front with her on the stoop and watched the fireworks. She was very skittish but she was fine as long as I held her. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Nick. He asked where I have been? I told him I took Charlie for a walk. I felt my tears try to betray me. I blinked them back. He said he hasn't seen me all day. I told him I'd been around. He put his arm around me but I stood up and told him I'd better get back to my party. He stood up and followed me inside. I put Charlie in the garage and Nick tried to kiss me. I stopped him and asked him to please don't. He looked at me confused and I walked out and started cleaning my kitchen. Renee came in and asked what I was doing in here? I just ignored her. She called me by name and I just looked at her. I told her the night was still young why doesn't she take Nick out side and dance. She just looked at me. I said it's a singles party and everyone is fair game right? I felt my tears start to fall. Nick didn't know what was going on. Renee did though. I'm sure of it. I was throwing dishes and cups into the dishwasher, I'm surprised nothing broke. She asked what she did? I said nothing, everyone is fair game right? Why do you keep saying that? She asked me. I said I don't think I'm going to have these parties anymore. I'm done, I can't do it anymore. I walked past Nick and brought Charlie out of the garage and told her I was going to bed. She said it's only 11pm and you have a party going on. I told her she was doing a great job of entertaining everyone by herself. I went upstairs and slammed my door closed. I lay on the bed and cried. Charlie just lay at the bottom of my bed. After about 20 minutes I heard a soft knock on my door. Go away I said but the knock got louder. What? I yelled. Just more knocking. I got out of bed and Nick was standing in the doorway. My face was wet with tears. He said can you please tell me what's wrong? I said I'm tired and if you don't mind. He stepped into my room before I could close the door. I said Nick please I'm tired. He sat on my bed and petted Charlie. He said since she won't tell me what's wrong maybe you'll tell me? Charlie just licked his face and made him smile. I stood in the doorway and asked him what he wanted from me? He said he just wanted an explanation. He said I thought we were getting close and now you won't kiss me or even look me in the eye. My tears started falling again. Why are you crying? I closed the door and walked around to the other side of my bed and lied down. I told him I really couldn't do this now. If you are not going to leave then I'm just going to go to bed. I got under the blankets and lied down. He said fine but I'm not leaving. Even if I have to sit here all night. I reached up and turned the lights off. I just lied there and cried. I knew I loved him but ever since my ex I have had a really tough time trusting men. Jealousy ended a few relationships for me after him.

Chapter 11

After about 10 minutes I felt Nick lie down on my bed. He put his hand on my hip. I didn't move. He said Kelly? Are you still awake? I said yes, what do you want? In a very soft voice he asked what he did? I didn't answer. He said, if it was something he did, he was very sorry. He said we'd gotten so close in the last week and he just didn't understand why I was so angry. I rolled over to face him in the darkness of my room. I told him that I was falling in love with him, but after today… I had to stop because I was getting so emotional. He sat up leaning on his elbow. What about today? He asked. Tell me, I really need to know so I won't do it again. I told him I saw him dancing with Renee. You were spending all of your time with her just like the last time. I know what happened the last time and it just crushed me to think that you'd do it again. He said he didn't feel anything for Renee. I said you still slept with her. Even though you didn't love her you slept with her. She's been with 3 men since you two broke up or whatever you want to call what you had between you two. I thought that we were building a relationship and then I see the same thing happening again. I started to get off the bed but he pulled me back down. Nick, I really can't do this again. After what my ex did I just can't go down that road again. Nick said he was sorry, he was just having fun with my guests. He didn't mean to hurt me. I said didn't you notice I was gone this afternoon. He was silent and I could tell he didn't know I was gone. He said Kelly it's a party. I assumed you were busy with the preparations. I broke free of his grasp and got up and turned the light on and opened my bedroom door. I would really like you to leave now. He got up from my bed and walked towards me. He shut the door and stood in front of me. He said I care for you a lot. I don't love Renee I was hoping to build on our relationship, but if you don't want to be with me then I can't make you. He reached for the doorknob and walked out of my room. I just dropped to the floor and cried. Charlie came and sat at my feet. I can't help the way I feel. I stood at my window and watched Nick walk home by himself. I saw Renee run out after him and they had a conversation in the middle of the street. She looked back at my window and then said something. She put her hand on his arm but he pulled away from her. He started walking back to his house and she came running back to my house. I could hear her coming up the stairs she didn't even bother to knock she just threw the door open. She turned the lights on and asked what the hell was wrong with me? I ignored her. She said that man is in love with you and you threw it all away. Why would you do that? I said do you really want to know? Because I'll tell you, but I want to know if you want to hear the truth or not? She said what is wrong with you? I said you are my problem right now. Every time I turned around you were in Nick's arms. Every time! You are so beautiful and men just fall all over you. I wanted Nick and you went after him. Then just when I though I found someone to make me happy, you ruin it for me. I can't stand you. She said it didn't mean anything to her. I said that's what hurts so bad. I was losing it, I couldn't control my emotions. I said he means so much to me and you took that from me. I sat down on the bed and just cried. This last week my life has been so good. I can't remember when I was so happy. Now it's gone, it's all gone. She was crying too. She sat down next to me and said she really didn't mean to hurt me so badly. She was just having fun. She was drinking and got really friendly with everyone. She said she loved me and would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. I said I'm so exhausted I'm just going to go to sleep now. I asked her to please leave. She said, What about our guests? I told her she'd be fine without me. I looked at her and said but I won't ever do this again. It just hurts too much. I got up and went into my bathroom when I came out she was gone. The last of the guests left around 2 am. Renee stayed until about 5. After she left I went downstairs and saw that she had cleaned up everything. The balloons and streamers were gone the dishes weren't only washed but they were put away. Even my kitchen floor was washed. I found a note on the counter top. Renee apologized for hurting me the way she did. She had no excuse other than she was jealous of me. I felt my heart skip a beat. Jealous of me? I read on, she said that I always knew what I wanted and had my life in order. I not only had respect for myself, but I had respect for everyone else too. She said she really didn't like herself and she was fortunate to have a friend like me who accepted all her shortcomings. She now realized that she had gone too far and understood if I never wanted to hear from her again. I cried and cried. I couldn't take two losses in one day. First Nick, and now my best friend. I went upstairs and began to write. My head was filled with ideas and I wanted to get them down before they went away. After several hours at the computer Charlie got antsy for her walk. I got myself ready and then Charlie. I went out front and Nick was not there this morning. It made me so sad. I started jogging and got to the wooded area. I sat there and just cried. Charlie was not doing well either. She had gotten used to playing with Nick's dogs and they weren't here either. I ran back home and Nick was coming out of his driveway with his dogs. He didn't even look at me. He was taking his dogs for a walk without me. Charlie bolted and I lost her leash. I heard the squeal of brakes and watched as my dog was thrown through the air.

Chapter 12

No, I screamed as I ran to Charlie. She was lying very still and the driver of the car was apologizing. He said the dog just ran out in front of me. Nick came running over to me and said oh no, Charlie. He bent down and I just lied down next to her. I said Charlie don't leave me too, please don't leave me. I watched as she took her last breath and died in my arms. Nick picked her up and carried her into my garage. I told him she can't be dead. Please tell me she's not dead. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt his tear drip onto my arms. He asked if he could call anyone for me? I said there is no one left in my life. I've pushed them all out. I broke his embrace and walked over to Charlie. She was all I had I cried. Now she's left me too. I dropped to the floor of the garage. I couldn't breath. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't hear Renee drive up but she saw me. What happened she said? Nick said Charlie was killed about 30 minutes ago. Renee cried and tried to comfort me. I said please just leave. I don't want to be with anyone right now. I need to bury my dog. Renee said please Kelly, let me stay here with you. I got up and grabbed a shovel and went into my back yard. As my tears fell I started digging under the tree where Charlie always slept. I kept digging and digging. Nick and Renee just watched me. I dug until my hands were bloodied. After 2 hours of digging the hole was large enough. I went into my house and got the blanket off the bottom of my bed that she slept on. I brought it out into the garage and laid it on the floor. Charlie is a pretty big dog and I tried to lift her. It was so awkward. Nick tried to help me put I wouldn't let him touch my baby. I finally got her in my arms and I just dropped to the floor. I wrapped her up in the blanket and rested my head on her. Charlie I love you so much. I will miss you. I'm so sorry I did this too you. I was crying so much I could barely see. I again lifted her into my arms and walked out into the back yard. I lied her into her grave and began to cover her with dirt. That was too much for me to bare and I just dropped to my knees. I just screamed her name. Charlie! Nick came to my side and shoveled the dirt on top of her. I couldn't resist him anymore. My world had ended. Charlie was gone. Nick finally got her covered up and he tried to bring me into the house. I pushed him away. Leave me alone. I want to stay here. He went back and talked to Renee. She went inside my house and called my mother. My mom came over shortly there after. She was almost as upset as I was. Charlie stayed with mom whenever I went out of town and she loved her too. She dropped down beside me and I said mom, everyone has gone. What am I going to do now? She held me and rocked me in her arms. It hurts so much mom, why does it hurt so much? She said it would subside someday. I said I lost Nick and Renee and now Charlie. She turned around and looked at Nick and Renee. They wouldn't meet her eyes. She said they're here for you sweetheart. You haven't lost them. She said come on lets get you inside. I said mom I don't want to leave Charlie outside alone. She's all alone now. I just started crying again. I lied down on the earth the covered my precious dog. What will I do without her? Renee said she'd come with me to get another dog. I sat up and looked at her with so much hate. I said Charlie couldn't be replaced like you replace your men. Charlie was special, I loved her and she loved me. There will never ever be another dog like Charlie. Renee started crying. She said that's not what she meant. I asked her to please leave. I really didn't feel like talking to her right now. She turned and walked away. Nick and mom stayed well into the evening. Mom finally said she had to go. She asked if I would be all right? I told her no, how could I be? She kissed me and told me she'd call me later. She left and then Nick came and sat with me. We sat there and didn't say a word. I just kept saying her name. Charlie. I began to cry again and Nick put his arm around me and pulled me to him. I loved her so much Nick, what am I going to do? He said in time my pain would subside. I was shivering. Nick went inside and brought out a blanket and wrapped me up in it. I thanked him and told him he didn't have to stay anymore, I just couldn't leave Charlie. He said he wasn't going anywhere. I sat out there all night telling him all about Charlie. After Danny and I broke up I hated being alone. So I saw this sign that said free puppies to good home. I went to the address and they had eight puppies. 6 had already been adopted and 2 were without homes. Charlie was the runt. I felt sorry for her because no one picked her. I felt she needed me as much as I needed her. She was always a playful puppy. From the very beginning she slept at my feet. She loved her walks. She was such a good dog. When we moved here I was worried about her because of the pool. I used to tied her up to this tree we're sitting under. She loved it under here. One day she slipped out of her collar and I heard a splash. It scared me to death because I thought maybe a neighbor's child had fallen in. I ran through the door and saw it was Charlie. She was jumping in and swimming across the pool and then she would run around and jump in again. I laughed so hard at her that day. I never tied her up again. Now she's gone. Nick rubbed my shoulder and said he would really miss her, she was a great dog. I was emotionally exhausted I said I'm going to go in now. I tried to stand but my legs hurt from sitting too much. Nick helped me up. He asked if I would be all right? I started to cry again and said no.

Chapter 13

Nick helped me up to my room and I took a shower. He was holding one of Charlie's toys when I came out of the bathroom. I reached for her ball and threw it in a basket of toys I kept in my room. My telephone rang and Nick asked if I wanted him to get it? I said yes, I didn't want to talk to anyone. He answered the phone and said I was sleeping. He said just a minute and asked me for a pen. I pointed to my computer. He said OK, what's your name again? Jeff, OK your phone number. I leaped off the bed and took the phone from Nick. Jeff I'm awake I cried. He asked what had happened. I told him Charlie had been hit by a car and was dead. I cried into the phone. He was telling me how sorry he was. Is there anything I can do he asked? I said no, I'm so lonely without her. He said he'd be here in 30 minutes. I told him he didn't have to do that. He said he's on his way. I hung up the phone and cried into my hands. I miss her so much Nick. How am I going to sleep on this bed without her? She slept at my feet for the last 4 ½ years. I lied down on the bed and didn't say a word until the doorbell rang. I jumped up off the bed and ran downstairs. Nick was right behind me. I threw open the door and jumped into Jeff's arms. He said it's all right now. Nick came down and told me he was leaving now. Jeff stood up and shook Nick's hand and introduced himself. Nick said good night. Jeff and I have known each other for years. I could tell him things that I couldn't tell another person. I trusted him with my life and my emotions and everything else. He asked what had happened. I told him how I took Charlie for a walk and how she bolted from me because we didn't walk with my neighbor Nick. I said it's my fault, I killed her. He looked at me shocked, how did you kill her? I started from the beginning. I told her all about Nick and Renee and how I got so jealous yesterday and basically ended my relationship with both of them. I'd pushed them both away. Nick has three little dogs and Charlie loved those dogs. She loved to run in the woods and it was almost as if they played a game of tag in there. This morning Nick wasn't outside waiting for us because I pushed him away. So when she saw Nick with his dogs she ran because she wanted to play. He said it still isn't your fault. Then whose fault is it I cried? He pulled me into his arms and let me cry. I miss her so much Jeff. I feel like my life is over. She was all I had, I said. He said well Nick was here, from what you told me he's been here all day. I don't think you pushed him hard enough to scare him away. I said but I don't trust Renee around him. Do I choose my best friend or a guy? He said he wouldn't make that choice for me. He said if I really searched my heart and learned to trust a little more, that I'd find that there was room enough for both of them. You need to talk to them. You can't hide behind your past. Danny's done and over with. Not all men are like Danny. From what you've told me so far about Nick he's nothing like Danny. I said no he's not anything like Danny. It's just when I saw him dancing with Renee it brought back the betrayal I felt the first night and then the betrayal from Danny. I just couldn't handle it. He said if you didn't like them dancing then you should have gone out there and danced with your man. Instead you let your emotions get the better of you and you retreated. Kelly, you deserve to be happy. I can tell you love Nick, I see it in your eyes whenever you mention his name. I was crying again, I said I do love him. I feel an attachment to him that I can't explain. I said it's not sexual. I haven't slept with him. He's just so kind and gentle and what am I doing talking about him when my dog is dead! I'm concerned with my happiness when Charlie is lying in a grave out back. Jeff said Kelly damn it, she was just a dog! You are a person, Nick is a person, and you will get over this. It's going to take a long time. I realize Charlie was more than a dog to you. She was your baby, but had you gotten a life 4 ½ years ago you wouldn't be wallowing in your own self pity right now. You know I love you and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you, but if you don't patch things up with Nick tonight you will lose him forever. He loves you enough to sit underneath a tree in the dirt while you mourn the loss of an animal. An animal Kelly. How many hours were you out under that tree? I said I didn't know. What time was she killed? I said just after our morning walk. It must have been about 8:30am. So he sat with you under that tree for 10 hours? I don't believe it. I said no my mom was here and she… You had your mother sitting on the ground too? Oh Kelly, what's wrong with you? I said I realize Charlie is a dog, but she's been my companion for 4 ½ years. Jeff had a smile on his face and was nodding. Yes, I know he said. Isn't it about time you had some human companions around you? He said and even if you and Nick don't work out, you will have at least tried. I had stopped crying. Jeff had brought me back to reality. I still miss my dog I told him. He said and you wouldn't be human if you didn't. Just don't shut people out. Have you even considered that Nick and Renee were mourning Charlie's death too? You and Renee have been best friends ever since you moved here. She's known Charlie almost as long as you have. I'm sure Nick got attached to her since you've been walking. I looked at Jeff and said do you think I can fix this? He said there is only one way to find out.

Chapter 14

I walked Jeff to the door and called Nick's house. He answered the phone and I could barely understand him. I asked if I woke him up? He said it was OK. I said I needed to talk to you and it couldn't wait until the morning. He asked if I was all right? I said I'd know after I talked to him. I waited for him on my front step and once he got to me we came inside. We sat on the couch and I told him I loved him. He looked at with a confused look on his face. I said I know I have a funny way of showing it. I said I have a really hard time trusting men and an even harder time with jealousy. I explained that Danny, my ex, had cheated on me with my best friend. I caught them and neither of them denied it. They asked for my forgiveness and told me they'd never do it again. I flew to New York for what was supposed to be a four-day trip. I returned a day early and found them asleep in our bed. I wanted to kill them. Instead while they slept I packed up my belongings and loaded them in the back of my car. I went into the bathroom and cleared out my stuff from there too. As I was walking out of the bathroom my best friend Kristen was stepping out of bed. She saw me and went white. I told her she could have him. That's when Danny woke up and realized he had been caught again. I took off my engagement ring and set it on the dresser. They begged me to stay and to forgive them. I left and never looked back. When I first met you I thought you were very handsome and very nice. Renee came over and I confided that to her. I invited you to that party in hopes of getting to know you better, but instead I found you out in my driveway kissing my best friend. Then I found out she was sleeping with you. Nick said, I didn't know, I'm sorry for hurting you. I told him he didn't have to apologize, I was the one who needed to apologize. I said then when I saw you too together yesterday, it was Danny and Kristen all over again. Then this morning I killed Charlie and I can never forgive myself for that. Nick said, Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't kill Charlie it was an accident. I said if I wasn't so jealous and if I leaned to trust people, you would have been in the driveway waiting for us. She never would have bolted like that. He pulled me close and said it wasn't my fault. I told him that I was sorry for treating him the way I did. He said it was all right. I asked him if he could ever forgive me? He said there was nothing to forgive. I asked him if we could try to have a relationship? He said he didn't think I was ready. He said I just lost Charlie and I'm very emotional, maybe we should wait. I stood up to go, he held my hand so I couldn't walk away. I said I always ruin a good relationship. He said it's not that. He said he'd wait for me. I looked down into his eyes. He said I needed to grieve. I told him I can't go through this alone. He said he'd be here. I sat down and cried, he pulled me to his chest. I laid my head on his chest and dozed. I woke up a few minutes later and apologized. He said why don't I go up to bed? He said call me when you wake up. I told him I didn't want to be alone. I asked him to stay with me. He followed me upstairs to my room. I got into the bed and moved over so he could lay down with me. He sat on the bed and removed his shoes. He lay down and I placed my head on his chest. I looked up into his eyes. He asked what was wrong? I said your heart is racing. He smiled and said you still get to me. I smiled and lay my head back on his chest. I slept until three the next afternoon. I woke up to a very quiet and empty house. I called Nick and he said he'd be right over. I walked out back and told Charlie that I missed her and I was sorry. I walked back inside and let Nick in. He asked what was wrong? I told him I missed Charlie. I wiped my tears and hugged Nick. With each passing week I got stronger. I was leaving for New York today and Nick was dropping me off. I still hadn't spoken to Renee yet. I still felt betrayed by her. I was all checked in and it was time for me to go to board my airplane. I told Nick I loved him and would miss him. He said he'd miss me too and try to have some fun. I sat there waiting for the I love you too, but it never came. I told him I'd call him when I got checked in to my hotel. I made my connection in Los Angeles and arrived in New York on time. I checked into my hotel and instinctively called my mother to check on Charlie. I hung up the phone and dialed Nick's number. I told him what I just did. He said it's normal. It's only been two months. He asked if I was OK? I told him I was lonely and I missed him. He said he'd see me in a few days. I told him I loved him and again waited for the I love you that never came. He told me to have fun at the party tonight. I hung up the phone and started to get ready. Jeff came to pick me up. He and Cynthia had split up so we would accompany each other to the party. While at the party he noticed that I wasn't into it. He pulled me aside and asked what was wrong? I asked him if he loved me? He said yes, what kind of a question was that? I asked him if it was hard for him to admit that? He said no, when you love and care for someone it just comes naturally. He said what's going on? I asked him why Nick hasn't ever told me he loved me? My tears were unstoppable now. My body began to tremble and I fell into his arms.

Chapter 15

The next day I called Nick and asked what he was doing? He said he was watching a movie. I told him I'd call him back then. He asked me if I was enjoying myself? I said no, I really don't want to be here. I told him the meeting I had this morning they had actually asked me to relocate to New York. He asked what I said? I told them I'd think about it. He said do you want to move? I told him I was so uncertain of my future that at this point in my life I had to keep my options open. He was quiet. I said, well Jeff is here. I'll try to call you tomorrow. I said good bye and hung up the phone. Jeff walked in and asked if I was ready to go? I said as ready as I'll ever be. We again mingled with yet another publishing firm. I'd see the same people at each party. It wasn't much fun. I did run into Kevin Richardson, he asked me to dance. I looked at his ring finger and he said he was divorced. I said are you carrying your divorce decree too? He laughed. I actually started to enjoy myself. He was a very handsome man and very charming. He asked how I was? I told him I was OK at the moment. He invited me out for coffee later. I said sure, why not. I talked to Jeff and asked him if Kevin had really divorced. He said yes, he was really divorced. I told him I'd get my own ride home and not to worry. I left with Kevin and we went to the hotel's café and had coffee and talked about everything. He asked if I wanted to go up to my room. I thought sure, I said OK. He paid for the coffees and we took the elevator up to my room. I hadn't even gotten in all the way when he kissed me. It felt so good to be wanted. Even if it was a one night-stand. I was lonely and someone actually wanted me. He moved me towards the bed and lowered me on to it. His hands were searching my body and I felt my body giving in to it. All of a sudden I thought of Nick. I sat up and told him I couldn't do this. He looked confused. I told him I was dating someone and I thought I wanted this but I just couldn't do it. He stood up and looked down at me. He said are you sure because I'm ready? I could see his bulge and I closed my eyes and said, would you mind leaving right now? I need to go to bed. He said not at all and I walked him to the door and he left. I felt so dirty. I jumped into the shower and washed the filth off my body. I had almost cheated. I had cheated. I kissed another man. I climbed into my bed sobbing. I didn't deserve to live. I didn't deserve to be loved. I finished out my week but I don't remember much about it. I flew home and Nick met me at the airport. He was waiting for me as I came through the barriers. He hugged me and said he missed me. We drove home in silence and he kept his hand on my thigh. He carried my suitcase in the house and asked if I was all right. I said I'm just so tired. I barely got any sleep there. Jeff keeps packing more into every visit. It makes it obvious that I should just move to New York. I played my messages a lot of hang ups and then one from Renee. She said she missed me. She said she had some news that would make me happy. She'd finally picked the wrong man. He beat her up pretty bad and was in the hospital. I looked at Nick he said let's go. The message came yesterday. We drove to the hospital and she was still there. I walked into her room and her face was swollen. Her left eye was swollen shut and she had stitches all over her body. Her forehead her cheek her neck her arms. You name it they sewed it closed. I just cried when I saw her. I felt so bad for her. She saw me and asked me to come closer. I asked her how she felt? She said she's felt better. I asked her who did it? She said she didn't know his name. She had met him at a club and she went home with him. I looked down. She said I know, nothing changes with me. She asked if I was still with Nick? I said he's right here. Nick walked closer to the bed. He said hello, she said I'm glad you two made it. You're a great couple. I just started sobbing. When do you get out of here I asked her? She didn't know. She said what day is it anyway? I walked away from her bed and Nick stayed and talked to her. She called me back to the bed. She asked me if there was anything wrong? I said I'm fine. I might be moving to New York though. She asked why? I said well my work was taking me there more and more lately. She asked if Nick was coming with me? I said no, his life is here. She asked for water. I said it's empty. Nick said he'd fill it for her. She asked if he had left the room? I said yes why? She said I know something is wrong so tell me. I checked to see if Nick was in the room and said, I don't think Nick is in love with me. She said why would I think that? He has never told me. I let my tears fall freely. I told her I almost cheated on him in New York. I told her I was so lonely. I've never felt so lonely before. Nick hasn't even noticed I stopped telling him I loved him. I heard him behind me pouring water. I was shocked to see him standing there and wouldn't meet his eyes. I looked at Renee and told her I was sorry for not reaching out to her sooner. She said she'd live. Maybe this will teach me to be more like you. I said you don't want to be like me. You are fine just how you are. The nurse came in and said visiting hours are over. I promised to be back tomorrow. I kissed her hand and left. Nick was mad and I could tell. He didn't talk to me at all. He pulled into my driveway and didn't even get out of his car. I looked at him and asked if he was coming in? He said he had some thinking to do. My tears welled up in my eyes. I opened the door and got out.

Chapter 16

Nick backed out of my driveway and pulled into his. He didn't even look back at me. I went into my quiet house. I walked outside and kneeled down and talked to Charlie. I had put down some stepping stones and planted flowers all over the top of her grave. I told her I missed her so much. I told her I was going to get another dog. I didn't want to replace her, but I needed someone to love me. I hoped she understood and could forgive me. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I looked down at her grave and told her I loved her. I grabbed my purse and drove down to the pet store. I looked at all the dogs. I was looking for that one dog that needed me as much as I need it. I found a collie mix. I asked the employee if I could see the dog. He brought it out and the dog wasn't very active. What's wrong with it I asked? He said she's been here so long I think she's given up. I said I'd take her. Actually, I want her and that Lab right there. He pointed to the golden lab I said no the other one the brown one. He said she's been here too long too. How did you know? I said lonely hearts speak to each other. He probably thought I was crazy. I paid for the dogs and bought collars and leashes and toys. I loaded them up in the back of the car. I actually sang in my car. I was feeling pretty good. I got home and brought them into the house and out into the back yard. They were so happy to have a home. I sat on the flag stones by Charlie and told her that she would have liked these dogs. I threw the ball to them and they ran after the ball and brought it back. The pool was covered so I didn't worry about them. I went inside and fixed myself something to eat. I decided to take my walk again with my dogs. I took Charlie's leash and hung it around my neck. I put the dogs on their leashes and went for a walk. I showed the dogs the park where Charlie used to run and the wooded area. I was coming out of my shell. The dogs were very friendly and liked to give me kisses. We went home and I fed them. I took a shower and locked them in the garage. I watched some TV and them went down and brought them up into my room. I took them outside one more time so that they could do their business. We went upstairs and Sadie lay instinctively at my feet. She was the black lab. Sophie my collie mix slept on the floor beside my bed. It was the best night's sleep I'd had in a long time. I woke at 7am and washed my face and brushed my teeth. I hung Charlie's leash around my neck and got the dogs on their leashes and went running to the woods. I set them free into the woods and they explored the area and did their business. I called them back and jogged back home again. I had to go to the store and see Renee so I left them in the back yard. They were exhausted after the walk anyway. I pulled my car out of the garage and drove to the hospital. Renee looked a little better. She said she still felt awful. She said the son of a bitch cut her up pretty bad. It hurt me to see her in so much pain. She said there was something different about me. I told her I got two new dogs last night. Sadie and Sophie. I pulled out the Polaroid's that the employee took of me with them. She said they're beautiful. I told her that they had both been for sale for the last 5 months and no one would buy them. She said so you rescued another dog. I said no, they rescued me. She asked where Nick was? I told her he was mad at me and not speaking to me. She said why? I said he heard me talking to you yesterday and I guess he has issues. She said she was sorry. I said I love him and want to be with him but he doesn't communicate with me. I almost cheated on him, and I couldn't do it. I love him that much, I just don't know how he feels about me. She said he loves me and in time he'll be able to communicate that to me. I stayed for about 2 hours and told her I had to get going. I'd be back tomorrow. I told her I loved her and missed her. She let a tear escape her eye. She said she loved me too. I left and went to the store. I had bought my 30lb bag of dog chow. I backed into my driveway and opened the garage door. I rolled the bag of dog food into the garage and brought the groceries into the kitchen. The dogs were wagging their tales they were happy to see me. Once I got everything put away, I opened the door and let them in. I was talking baby talk to them and they were licking me and rubbing against me. I asked them if they wanted to go for a walk. They knew what that meant. I hung Charlie's leash around my neck and hooked them up. We again went walking down by the park and up in to the wooded area. I didn't want to let them loose at night for fear that they'd get lost or stuck in there. We headed back home and I looked at Nick's house. Another day and he hadn't come to see me. I put the dogs in the back yard and made myself some dinner. I ate and took a shower. I brought the dogs inside and lay in bed watching television. Around 11pm the phone rang it was Nick. Hi I said. He said hello. Where have you been? I asked him. He said home, thinking. I turned the TV off and asked him what about? He said he heard me in the hospital. I said what did you hear? He said that he never told me he loved me. I said uh huh. He said he also heard how I was so lonely I almost cheated on him. I said uh huh. He said how far did you go? I said I kissed him. That's it he asked? I said, look I don't want to play games so let me put it like this. I love you, I've loved you probably from the first time I laid eyes on you. I realize that you don't feel that way for me so if you don't want to be with me I'll understand.

Chapter 17

He said he didn't want to break up with me. I said so we were dating then? He said, ouch! It was that bad huh? I said Nick I realize you didn't mean to but you would never acknowledge me when I told you I loved you. It's almost like I was saying you're welcome, something like that where you wouldn't have to respond. I would tell you everyday, maybe I scared you away I don't know. Too much pressure. But I can't help the way I feel. I love you, and I just have to deal with the fact that you don't love me. I do want to thank you for helping me through my tough times. Without you to help me with Charlie's death, I don't know where I'd be right now. He heard Sadie yelp, she and Sophie were playing on the floor. He asked what that noise was. I told him the TV. He said, first of all let me tell you loud and clear that I do love you. I just have a hard time expressing it, but I want to tell you right now I love you Kelly. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry that I hurt you and made you so lonely that you felt you needed to turn to another man. I had tears streaming down my cheeks. He said he didn't want to lose what we had. I told him I didn't want to lose him either. He asked if he could come over? I said please come over. I hung up the phone and ran downstairs. I told the dogs to stay inside and ran out into the street where I met Nick. I kissed him and he lifted me up and carried me onto the sidewalk. He looked into my eyes and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too. As we approached the door I said there is one more thing I need to tell you. He said you're moving to New York. I said no, I have two new babies. He looked at me confused. I told him to be ready, I opened the door and Sadie and Sophie flew out the door and smelled Nick. He laughed and said when did you get them? I said after you dropped me off and didn't speak to me. I realized I needed someone in my life that made me feel good about myself. I went out back and talked it over with Charlie and went and found Sadie and Sophie. He said why didn't you tell me? I said you obviously needed some time alone and I gave that to you. I called the dogs inside and I led Nick up to my bedroom. I told him I'd be right back. I brought the dogs down into the garage and kissed them both. I opened the doggy door so that they could go out when they needed too. I opened up a blanket and sheet and put them in the corner for the dogs to lay on. I went back upstairs and Nick was standing at the window. He said if you had binoculars you could see right in my window. I told him top draw on the left. He turned around and looked at me. I said I'm joking. He made his way to me and kissed me. I removed my top and he asked me if I was sure? I said you told me you loved me, how much more convincing do I need? He removed his shirt and I removed my pants. We both undressed completely. He lied next to me kissing me and exploring my body. He climbed on top of me and slowly inserted himself into me. I shuddered as he filled me up. He made love to me and it didn't take him long to lead me to an orgasm. He brought his lips to my nipples and licked them. He kissed me so deeply I thought I'd swallow his tongue. I had tears falling down my face. I was so happy. He finally exploded inside of me and rolled off of me. He wiped my tears and asked me if I was all right? I told him I was fine. I wrapped up in his arms and fell asleep. When I woke up Nick was still sleeping. I looked at the clock it was after 8am. I turned to face him. I rubbed his hair out of his face and he opened his eyes. I told him it was after 8. He looked stunned, he said I slept passed five? I said it's 8:03. He smiled and asked how I felt? I said horny and you? He smiled and I climbed on top of him this time. I tried to pleasure him as much as he had pleasured me. He started to moan and I thrusted my hips faster and faster he let a long loud moan escape from his lips. I kissed his chest and his neck and finally his lips. He flipped me over on my back and he brought me to another orgasm. I said we have some dogs to walk this morning. He smiled and said that I was beautiful. He said let's go walk them dogs. I hung Charlie's leash around my neck and harnessed my dogs while Nick went and got his dogs. I met him in his drive way. He asked what's up with Charlie's leash? I said it just makes me feel closer to her. I walked her up and down this street for almost 5 years. I just need to feel close to her. Nick's dogs yipped at my dogs. I leaned down and let them smell Charlie's leash. They got really excited and it was almost as if they understood. Nick and I walked our five dogs down the street. We turned them loose in the woods and let them run around. Nick and I sat on our log and I couldn't help but cry. He asked what was wrong? I said nothing really. This place reminds me so much of Charlie. I'm moving on without her and it really hurts inside. He said we'd get through it together. I turned and kissed him. I looked deeply into his eyes and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too. There were no stopping the tears now. I just held onto him. I finally got the response I had been waiting for. I stood up and called the dogs back. Nick said give them more time. I said I've got to get home. He said what's the rush? I told him I wanted him again. He smiled and helped me call the dogs. We ran all the way home. We left the dogs in my back yard and ran upstairs. I don't think we got out of bed for the rest of the day. I love him and he loves me, that's all we needed.

Chapter 18

My phone rang around 4 O'clock. It was Renee. I told her I was really sorry I forgot about her. She sounded so much better today. She said geez, thanks a lot. I sat up in bed while Nick kissed my breast and laid his head on my lap. She said what was so important? I told her I slept with Nick. He sat up and looked at me. I mouthed Renee to him. He put his head down. She congratulated me. I laughed, I said thank you. She asked how was it? I said it was the best sex I ever had. I love him so much. I rubbed his forehead as he lay quietly on my lap. I told her everything about our phone conversation. She said I don't mean to be rude but he has one amazing tongue doesn't he? I laughed I said it was, it really was. He knows how to work it doesn't he? He sat up and laid me on my back and then he spread my legs. I laughed she said what's wrong? I asked if I could call her back? She said why? He inserted himself in me, I said I gotta go, I'll call you back. I clicked off the phone and dropped it on the floor. He said all that talk made me want you more. I pulled his head down and kissed his soft lips. He again brought me to my climax and exploded inside of me. We lay there breathing hard and held each other tight. He asked if I was hungry. I leaned on my elbow and said I'm starving. He laughed he said lets call for a pizza. I handed him the phone and he ordered two large pizza's and 2 six packs of diet coke. I said why all the pizza? He said he planned on being hungry again later. He kissed me and said he better take his dog's home. I said leave them out back. They'll get to know Sadie and Sophie. He said I need to feed them. I said there is food in my garage. He said they'd never get their mouths around it. I told him I didn't want him to leave but if he had too then go ahead. I'll just be waiting right here. He kissed me and put on his clothes. He said he'd run. I laughed I said I'd get my binoculars and watch. He ran downstairs and out my front door. I stood up and took a shower. I was washing my hair when he stepped inside the shower. He leaned me back against the wall and entered me again. I couldn't control my emotions. He really wanted me, I felt so unworthy. We finished our shower and got dressed. The pizza guy delivered the pizza and we sat downstairs at my kitchen table. I said I forgot to call Renee back. I picked up the cordless and called her back. I'm so sorry again. She said I must be putting him through a major work out. I looked at Nick and said I had 5 years to make up for. I can't get enough of him. She said oh my, you've got it bad. I said yes I do. She said it looked like she was going to be released in two days. I said that's great news. She said she was happy about it. I asked her if she needed to stay here with me. She said no she was moving home to be with her parents. I said that's too far away. How long do you need to stay there? She said she was moving there permanently. No, you can't do that. I just got you back in my life. She said she needed to start over and she couldn't do that here. Oh Renee, I'll miss you so much. My tears were falling, when do you leave? She said her mom and dad was in town clearing out her apartment now. I said why does everyone leave me? She said I'm not leaving you. You have been a fantastic friend to me. We'll keep in touch, I promise. I couldn't talk anymore and told her I'd have to call her back. I walked out in the back yard and sat under Charlie's tree. I rested my head on my knees and cried. Nick came out and asked me what was wrong? Renee is moving back to Colorado. He said he was sorry. I said I lost Charlie and now my best friend. He said you still have me? I said but for how long? He said he couldn't answer that but he was here for me now. He pulled me to my feet and walked me back inside. He said you need to eat something. I told him I lost my appetite. He said well you are going to need your strength, the night is not over yet. I felt a small smile creep onto my face. I sat down and grabbed a slice of Pizza. I ate it while I held his eyes with mine. I chewed it slowly and he begged me to hurry. I said what's wrong. He stood beside me and placed my hand on his hard penis. I dropped the pizza and he pulled me up to him. We stripped right there and made love on the floor. I was happy, I felt so good and it was all because of Nick. Nick fell asleep on the floor and I told him to go upstairs. I finished my slice of Pizza and put the rest of it in the refrigerator. I climbed the steps up to my room and found Nick asleep in my bed. I never thought I could be so happy again. I sat down at my computer and began to work on my new book. It was sort of an autobiographical book but the names and stuff were all changed. I worked well into the night stopping only for the bathroom and to get another piece of Pizza and a diet coke. Nick woke up to use the bathroom around 3 and asked what I was doing? I told him I couldn't sleep so I was working on another book. He said well come to bed soon, I want to hold you. I said in a minute. I kept writing and writing. Nick woke up at 6:30 and said Kelly come to bed. I'm almost done, give me another minute. Nick got up and sat next to me. The words were just flying onto the computer screen. I didn't even have to stop and think. Around 9:30am I typed my final word. I saved me document and clicked Print. For the next 40 minutes page after page flew out of my printer. I woke Nick up and brought him back to bed. I fell asleep in his arms. I woke up around 1:30pm and saw Nick reading the manuscript. He noticed finally that I was awake. He looked at me and smiled, he had tears in his eyes.

Chapter 19

He said I never knew half the stuff in here. He said this is all about us isn't it? You changed the names and some of the circumstances. You made Charlie you child. Am I Brian and you're Stephanie? I nodded my head and asked him if he was mad. He put down the manuscript and climbed in bed beside me. He said how long did it take you to write that? I told him I started when you weren't talking to me and finished it off this morning. He said do all your books come to you that way? No, this was the first one. He said and Paul, is that Jeff? I said yes, did you really ask him all those questions? I smiled and said Jeff is like an angel to me. No matter how mad I get at him or how stupid the question is, he is honest with me. He's the only man I know that is strong enough to let things roll off his back like that. He asked if I ever dated him? I said no, I gladly would have. I had a major crush on him for the longest time but he doesn't mix business with pleasure. I once told him if I fired him would he date me? He said he would but I didn't want to lose him from my life if it didn't work out. So we've remained friend all these years. Nick was searching my eyes I said what? He shook his head and said we missed so much didn't we? I told him no, we had each other in our lives and that's all that mattered. He asked me about New York. I told him I was going next week. He looked at me shocked, you're moving next week? No, I said I have to go for three days. Will you come with me? He felt so relieved and said he'd follow me to the ends of the earth if I wanted him too. I said I don't want you to do it for me, I want you to do it because you want too. He leaned over and kissed me hard on the lips. He said he never wanted anyone so much. After we made love again I asked him about the dogs? He said he already took them for a walk. I laughed, you took 5 dogs on a walk all by yourself? He said it wasn't easy but he did it. Their leashes kept getting tangled. I paused and thought of Charlie but he read my mind. He said he wore Charlie's leash for me. My tears poured out from my eyes. The next few months were fantastic. We went to my parent's house for Thanksgiving and I met Nick's family at Christmas time. We exchanged our gifts before we left for Nick's family's house. Nick bought me some fabulous gifts. He had a ceramic version of Charlie made so that no matter where I went she'd be with me. He also bought me a locket and some diamond earrings. He handed me a small flat box. He said you might remember this. I opened the box and it was his new CD. Oh my goodness I said. I forgot all about it. I instinctively opened up the CD case and read the insert. He dedicated it to me. I hugged him and kissed him all over. He said he had one more gift for me but it wasn't ready yet. I'm thinking ring! I handed him his gifts. I bought him the usual guy stuff clothes and more cologne. I then handed him an advanced copy of the book I wrote about us. It was dedicated to the man of my dreams. Nick knew that I meant him. I also wrote a love poem and had it framed for him. We dressed and drove to his family's house. I was extremely nervous. I met his family and they were so great. I met his brother and his sisters. His mom and dad are the two nicest people. Nick and I got a few more presents there and later that evening Nick drove me home. He said to follow him out in the backyard. He wanted me to close my eyes. I was nervous I was thinking he was going to propose marriage. He said all right open your eyes. I looked at Nick, he said under the tree. I looked and Nick had a memorial plaque with Charlie's picture on it and a bench for me to sit on. Oh Nick this is better than I even imagined. I walked over and read the inscription on the memorial. In remembrance of Charlie and a color picture of her. I sat on my bench and thanked him from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for this, it's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. He said I spent a lot of time out here and he thought I should have a nice picture to go with my happy memories. He sat down next to me and asked me if I was happy? I said I've never been happier. I kissed him and we went inside. It was late and had been a very long day. I walked Nick to the door and kissed him good night. I was flying to Denver tomorrow to spend a few days with Renee. I hadn't seen her since she moved back. True to her promise we did keep in touch. She had found a very nice man and was taking things very slowly. She constantly called me for advice. I told her to follow her heart. Nick was going to look after Sophie and Sadie for me. I would miss them all so much, Nick and my babies. I was not as close to these dogs as I was to Charlie. I'm slowly learning but it takes time. I showered and packed a small suitcase and went to bed. During the night we got snow. I was wondering when it was going to come. The next morning Nick drove me to the airport and I said goodbye to Nick. I was in tears, it would be the first time we'd be apart in months. Even he was teary eyed. I kissed him one last time and boarded my airplane. The flight off the mountain was crazy. I thought for sure I was going to die. I made my connection in Los Angeles and arrived in a major snowstorm in Denver. Renee was waiting for me. It was so good to see her. She looked good. He scars were faint but her face altered forever. I hugged her and cried for her. I carried on my bag so I didn't have to got to baggage claim. We left and drove to her home.

Chapter 20

She had a beautiful house and was working down the street at an accounting firm. She said this was the best move she'd ever made. She told me all about Adam. She said he was her soul mate. He saw beyond her scars. He saw her heart. I was so happy for her. She'd been in Denver for three months now. Her parents lived 30 minutes away and that's how she liked it. She said they drove her crazy through her recovery. I said they love you, they were just trying to do what was best. Anyway… she said, how's Nick? My face just lit up. I said he's great, do you mind if I call him now? She laughed and said my phone is right there. I picked up the phone and Nick answered on the first ring. I said hi baby. He said he was just thinking about me. That's so sweet, I said. He asked me how my flight was and how Renee was doing. I told him everything was fine, I just missed him so much. He said he brought the dogs over to his house. He said he'd prefer not going back and forth. I said that's fine. How are they? He laughed, he said they miss you, but they're coping. It made me smile. I said I had better go, I gave him Renee's phone number again. He told me he loved me and wanted me to have a good time. I love you too Nick, I said. Please be miserable without me. He laughed, he said that wouldn't be too difficult. I told him I'd see him in 5 days. I hung up and Renee was crying. I said what's wrong, are you hurt? She said she was so happy for me. She hoped that she would reach that level someday with Adam. I smiled and asked if it was that obvious? I had tears in my eyes too. I told her what Nick did for Charlie and me and she said stop, he's the perfect mate I can't stand it anymore. I laughed, he so sensitive to me now. If you want someone who loves you for who you are deep down inside, be honest with him and yourself. She said she had learned her lesson. The next 5 days we caught up on everything. We went to her parent's house and visited her sisters. We went out to dinner and I met Adam. He is a very nice man. I told her later she was very lucky to have found a man like him. She smiled and said she really felt like he would be the one she married. I told her that we were to young to be married. Trust me I know I almost married Danny. She said so if Nick asked you to marry him you'd say no? I said no. I'd say yes. We both laughed. I said that's in the future though. We've only known each other 6 months. She said but you spend everyday together. Still doesn't make a difference I said. We went and did the girl thing and went shopping and to the movies. I missed her so much. I didn't realize how much until this trip. On my last night in Colorado we stayed in and went and got all this really bad food. French fries, and candy, and potato chips. We turned off the television and radio and sat and talked about everything. From when we met to the reason we stopped speaking. From her attack to where we are now. There were a lot of tears and many laughs too. We were truly best friends. She asked me if I trusted her? I said for the most part yes, I trust you. I'm very protective over my man and really wouldn't trust anyone when it comes to that. I asked her if she trusted me? She said, completely. It brought tears to my eyes. I asked her why all of a sudden she was so serious? She said because she had some very terrible news to tell me. I thought she was joking. I said what could you tell me that I don't all ready know? She said she had breast cancer and it has spread to her lungs. I just sat there in silence. I said you're joking right? Her tears fell and she started shaking. Renee? Please tell me you're just joking. I reached out and held her. No, I can't lose you. We will fight this together. We will I said. Once she composed herself she told me that after the attack in California the doctors noticed the lumps on a xray. They also noticed spots on my lungs and that's when I left for Denver. I've had all the radiation and chemo my body can take. There is nothing more that they can do. I said what was all that talk about marrying Adam? She said she didn't want me to feel sorry for her so she made it all up. She talked one of her nurses into pretending. I wasn't going to tell you. I realized that it would hurt you later and I couldn't bare it. I grieved for her in a way I didn't think I ever would. I stood up and said there has to be something else. I was pacing around the living room. We'll get the best doctors, I'm not giving up on you. No way, I'm not giving up. She said, Kelly I don't have much time left and I don't want it spent in hospitals. I've been to the specialists and I've gone to the herbalists. Believe me I've done everything I could. I don't want to die, she said. You are not going to die Renee. You are not going to die. She said she was and she's accepted that. She wants me to accept it too. I will never accept it I said. I walked out her front door in my bare feet. There was about 2 feet of snow on the ground but my body was so numb that I didn't feel the cold. She finally got me inside and I just held her. I love you Renee, I don't want to lose you. She said she planned this trip so that I would remember her in happy times. This will probably be the last time we see each other she said. I just wanted you to know that I love you and that I look up to you. In the entire world I couldn't have ever found another friend like you. She went to bed, I had a very early morning departure. I lied on the bed next too her and cried. I was so afraid for her and for me. I crept out of bed and called Nick.

Chapter 21

Nick answered and I could tell I woke him up. He asked what was wrong? I said Renee invited me here to tell me she was dying. I couldn't talk I was so distraught. He said what? He patiently waited for me to control my emotions. I told him that after the attack the doctors found the cancer. It had already spread to her lungs. She doesn't have much time left at all. Nick kept saying he was really sorry. He asked if she was in any pain? I said I don't know. I'm just in shock, she hits me with this after we had a wonderful night and now I'm losing her. He just sat on the other end of the line listening to me cry. He said imagine my arms around you right now. I'm kissing you. Can you feel me? I told him I could. He said I love you and he'd be here to help me get through this. It just made me cry again. He said, Can you still feel me? I love you Nick, I said. I hung up the phone and crawled back in bed. I wrapped my arm around Renee's waist and cuddled right up against her. When I woke up she was already in the kitchen. I watched as she took her pills. I told her I'd be in the shower. I just cried in there. How can leave her here all alone? I got out of the shower and got dressed. I applied my makeup and met her back in the kitchen. I watched her busy herself. I wanted to memorize her every expression. She looked up at me and smiled. Do you feel better now she asked? I said no and the tears came again. She hugged me and said she'd be all right. I told her I didn't want her to die alone. I didn't want her to die at all. Who am I going to fight with? Who will I talk too? You can't leave me like this, it's just not fair. Once I calmed down I asked her how much time she had left? She said the doctors told me I should be dead all ready. I'm living on borrowed time. I just want to make it through the New Year she said. Just think I'll always be 26. It just started my tears rolling down my cheeks again. I said it wasn't funny. She said she'd be younger than Princess Di. She laughed and I cried. We packed my suitcase into the back of her car and she drove me to the airport. She walked me to the gate and I told her I loved her and had so much respect and admiration for her. Now it was her turn to cry. She said she waited so long for me to say that. It stunned me, what did I say? She said that I admired "her", I respected "her." I said I do respect you, I always have. I may not have agreed with the things you did but I love and respected and admired, hell I was even jealous of you most of the time. I hugged her as they called my flight. As I was walking towards the Jetway, I told her I "would" see her again. You can take that to the bank, I will be back. I sat down in my seat and cried. I cried all the way to Los Angeles. I cried waiting for the commuter plane and I cried while walking into Nick's arms. He held me so tightly. He said he was sorry and wished he could take my pain away. I told him I was sorry, there always seems to be something going on in my life. He picked up my suitcase and said not to worry about a thing. We drove back to my house and Nick brought Sadie and Sophie into me. I was happy to see them but they didn't cheer me up. I lied down on the bed and just cried. Why were these things always happening to the people I loved? There was no explanation. We had a very important party to go to tonight. Nick's performing his music off his new CD. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I prayed no I begged God, to let her live until the New Year. That's all she's asking for. Just a simple little thing as 2 more days on this earth. I dressed for the party and promised Nick I wouldn't let him down. He told me I could never do that. We drove down to the venue and Nick rehearsed for about 30 minutes. He said he would ask for prayers for Renee tonight. I told him I couldn't hear that or I'd lose it. He said then leave the room at 9pm. I kissed him as he left for makeup. I left the room at 5 to 9 but there were speakers in the bathroom too. So I heard every word. Nick walked out to a standing ovation. Once the crowd settled down he dedicated his performance to Renee Brooks. We found out yesterday that she'd dying of Cancer and she doesn't have very long to live. Her only wish is to live to see the New Year. So if you could please remember Renee Brooks in you prayers tonight, I'd really appreciate it. I sat down at the vanity and cried. Nick sang "Missing You", off his new release and it just had everyone in tears. I walked into the room where he was performing and I could see everyone, including Nick crying. He finished the song and thanked everyone. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Nick continued to sing the rest of his CD, but it was "Missing You" that they'd remember. The night ended and I asked Nick to stay with me. I really didn't want to be alone. He said sure. He had clothes here but he had to go get his dogs. He didn't like to leave them anymore than I liked to leave mine. We showered and made love and I fell asleep in his arms. Sometime in the middle of the night the phone rang. I was so sound asleep that I didn't hear it. Nick answered it and it was Renee's mother. Renee has been taken to the hospital. She is having trouble breathing. It won't be much longer she told Nick. Nick said we'd be there as soon as we could. He hung up with her and called the airline. It was New Year's Eve, there weren't any seats available on any carrier. He called his record company and they let him use the company jet. Nick knew if we drove we would never make it.

Chapter 22

I woke up around 7 and Nick wasn't in bed. I picked up the phone and called Renee. There was no answer. I called her mom and there was no answer. I got up and got dressed and went downstairs. I saw my suitcase at the front door. I thought to myself, I thought I put that in the garage? I went to push it aside and it was heavy. It startled me. I walked into the kitchen and there was no Nick. I didn't see the dogs. What's happening? I called Nick and there was no answer. I was about to go out the front door when Nick entered. I could see it on his face. What's wrong I said? He said Renee is back in the hospital. I dropped to my knees and Nick picked me up. Noooooo, this isn't happening I cried. Nick said I've taken care of everything. The dogs are with my parent's and I've chartered a plane. We leave as soon as we get to the airport. I was speechless I couldn't say a word. She wants one more day I finally told him. She wants just one more day. I could barely stand. He helped me to his Durango and drove to the airport. We made our way to the airplane and boarded and were air born in no time. The flight time was 2 ½ hours. I sat in silence the entire way. I couldn't speak, I was too angry to speak. We were met by a limousine outside of DIA and went immediately to the hospital. She was in an oxygen tent and sleeping her mom told us before we entered her room. She is very pale and very weak she said. Nick and I went into her room. She looked so tiny, hardly her 5'9 height. She towered me by almost 5 inches. Now she looked like a child. She opened her eyes and I smiled. I said I told you I'd be back. We both cried. I couldn't hug her. I could only hold her hand. She was not breathing well at all. She said she was just remembering the time when Charlie got a hold of my groceries. He went right for the T-bone steaks. I told her that is why the dogs go outside now after I do my grocery shopping. She asked me if she thought I'd see Charlie in heaven? I told her I hoped she would, then I'd know they'd both be OK. I was losing it again. Nick stepped forward and said hello and I walked and hugged her mom. I sobbed on her shoulder and asked her how much longer does she have? No one knows she said. I said if I have to breathe into her myself she will see tomorrow. I was shaking so badly. I said I intend on granting her wish. She was crying too now. She said God willing. I walked back to the bedside and told her she better not be making a play for my man. She tried to smile. She said are you still jealous? I told her I was always jealous of her. She got real still and I thought she had died. I sat up closer to her and spoke her name. She said she was really tired. I looked at the clock. I told her that in another 12 hours the clock would strike midnight. I won't let you go until then, OK promise me you'll fight until then? She smiled and asked if I always listened to everything she said? I said sometimes. She said well somewhere in the world it was the New Year. She fell asleep and Nick tried to get me to eat something. I told him I wasn't hungry and I wasn't leaving her. I sat in the chair by her bed. She slept for 4 hours. An alarm sounded and scared the you know what right out of me. The nurse came in and looked at me and said it was time to change the IV bag. I asked her how Renee was doing? The nurse was checking Renee's vitals. She said she's a fighter, there is not doubt about that. The nurse left and I got close to Renee and told her to fight. I told her I was proud of her and I loved her. Around 10 that night things got really bad. We were asked to leave the room as she had coded they were able to bring her back but she was now in a coma. We were allowed back into the room and the doctors told us it wouldn't be long now. I looked at the clock. 11:15pm. I told her just 45 more minutes. You can do it, I know you can do it. Her mother said just let her go. She needs peace. I told Renee I loved her I admired her. You have taught me so much. There is still so much I want to say to you. I just started talking to her. I reminded her of all the great times we had. I said what about those parties we used to through? Do you remember the men we used to date? What were we thinking? The nurse came in and checked her vitals again. She looked at me like I was crazy. I reminded her of the first time we met. It was over a guy, do you remember? Oh god, what was his name again? Tommy, Tommy Smith. Do you remember him? What did we ever see in him? I heard he's married with like 3 kids. Can you imagine? That could have been us. I think he's in commodities. Do you remember our first New Year's Eve in New York? We were packed into time square and we met Dick Clark. That was so funny, I didn't even recognize him. It was ten minutes until 12 now. Nick was rubbing my back. I said how about the time we drove to Las Vegas. Remember the Elvis impersonator? He looked so real. We partied with him at the mirage remember? His named turned out to be Stanley. Do you remember that? I told her just hold on for 5 more minutes. Just 5 more minutes and then I let you go. I said I'll shut up. I know I must be driving you crazy, but I love you and you have made my life so great. I love you so much and I'll miss you. I told her 2 more minutes please hold on for two more minutes. Her parents were crying now. They knew they were losing their daughter. I told her who was in the room with her. I said your sisters are here. Your mom and dad. Nick and I, I am here.

Chapter 23

I heard the people on the floor cheer and yell Happy New Year. Through my tears I told her she could go now. I told her it was the New Year and that she got her wish. You can go now I said again. I told her to take care of Charlie and give her a big kiss for me. Everyone in the room was sobbing now. Ten minutes later she was gone. I lost my best friend. I was inconsolable. Nick and I went and checked into a hotel. Renee's mother told me she would call me with the details of her funeral. Nick escorted me out to the limousine. I don't even remember leaving the hospital. Renee was buried on January 4th. It was a beautiful service and a lot of people came. She had a large family and many friends. We got together at her mom's house and people were constantly telling me how much she adored me. Renee's mom thanked me for granting her daughters dying wish. She said you gave her breath those last two hours. I just held her and told her I was so sorry for her loss. I said I know how I feel, I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. Nick was standing beside me. He kept his hand on my all day. If he wasn't holding my hand then he had his arm around my waist or my neck. She said she was happy for Renee. I looked at her stunned. She said she was in so much pain. She's at peace now. I said she was in pain? She told me that she didn't want us to tell you anything. She didn't want you sad or upset. Then she went and told you. She was constantly taking her pain medication. Here at the end she was taking so much that she wasn't feeling anything. When the hospital called I thought she must have overdosed or something. She went down so fast after your visit. She waited for you. I turned and cried on Nick's shoulder. She said Renee left something for you. When you leave you come find me. I told her we were leaving now, we had to get the airplane back. She smiled and asked me if I knew how funny that sounded? I smiled but felt so guilty. She said it's all right to feel good. Renee would have wanted it that way. I followed her to her bedroom with Nick right beside me. There was a huge box on the floor of her closet. She lifted it out but it was too heavy. Nick lifted it up onto the bed. I took off the lid and inside was a beautiful quilt. I looked underneath it and found a knitted baby sweater hat and booties. Beneath that was a photo album filled with pictures of Renee and I. On the bottom was a letter addressed to me. I couldn't open it, it was too soon. I put the things back in the box and thanked her mom for giving it to me. She thanked me for being a wonderful friend to her daughter. Nick carried the box to the limousine and we headed for the airport. I cried on his shoulder. Nick just held me there wasn't anymore he could do to help me. He said time would heal all wounds. We boarded the flight and took our seats. We sat on the tarmac for quite some time as the winter storm clogged the skies with airplanes. I asked Nick if he thought I was a good person? He said he did, why would I ask that? I said in the last 6 months I wasn't a good friend to Renee and now it's too late. He leaned over to me and said I was a great friend to Renee. Even in the last six months, he told me not to dwell on the bad times but to remember the good times. We finally were able to take off the climb up over the mountains was a violent one. I was so scared. I don't know who was more scared Nick or I. The little plane shook and dropped. It was deathly quiet as the pilots fought to keep control of the aircraft. I looked at Nick whose eyes were clenched shut. I spoke his name and told him I loved him. He tried to smile but the motion of the plane just caused us to shift back in forth in our seats. We finally got up over the mountains and were able to relax a little. We were really shaken. For the rest of the flight I kept my head on his chest. We landed and Nick took me home. I called my mother and told her I was back and I was all right. Nick left to get the dogs. I fell asleep on the couch and was awakened by 5 excited dogs. Sadie and Sophie jumped up on me and were licking me all over. Nick's dogs were yapping and licking my hands. They were to small to get up on my couch with out great difficulty. Once the dogs settled down, Nick sat beside me and lay his head on my lap. I had my feet up on the table and I just sat in silence stroking his hair and rubbing his temples. He fell asleep in a matter of minutes. He woke an hour later and I was still rubbing his forehead. He rolled onto his back and looked up at me. He asked if I was all right? I told him as long as he was here, I would be fine. My phone rang and it was Jeff. I weeped all over again for my friend Renee. He asked if I wanted him to come over. I told him it was all right, Nick was here with me. I told him I just needed him to tell me something profound. Renee wasn't a dog, she was my best friend. How can I get over her? He said you don't. She's been a very close friend of yours for 5 years. Even though you two had your differences you remained best friends. Even after this whole Nick thing that I don't fully understand, you still referred to each other as your best friend. This will be really tough for you. When you are grieving her, sit down and right a letter to her. Maybe by putting it in writing you will feel better. It seemed to work for you after your last book. I said what about my last book? He said it's number one on the NY Times Best Seller's list. I had to smile, but was soon overcome with tears. It's Renee watching over me, I said. It hit number one on January 1. The day she died.

Chapter 24

I traveled with Nick over the next 3 and half months while he toured and promoted his record. I brought my laptop with me everywhere I went and wrote letters to Renee every day. Nick and I were extremely close. We were hardly ever apart. Things really seemed to be going well for us. After a year of turmoil and change it was nice to have a few months where nothing happened. Oh there were little things. It seemed like Nick and I liked to argue a lot more now. Which was fine because the make up part was always something I think we both looked forward to. Nick and I were traveling a lot now and were hardly ever home. Nick would occasionally bring his dogs when I wasn't with him. I was spending a lot of time in New York and bought an apartment. I would travel with my dogs when I had to stay for an extended period of time. I never went a day without doing two things. Talking to Nick and writing a letter to Renee. When Nick had finished his tour and my book sales started to die down, I went back to California and met up with Nick. He'd fly in every chance he got and I would do the same. However, it was beginning to strain our relationship. We both settled back in on Mountain Top Canyon Dr. We walked the dogs and spent time together as normal. I was putting my letters into a new book about friendship. It was a new direction for me. Instead of romance, I was now writing an inspirational book of sorts. I spent a lot of time in front of my computer. This was a labor of love for me and I wanted it to be perfect. Once I finished the manuscript I went to Kinkos copiers and had them make up two copies of it. The first I sent to Jeff and the second I sent to Renee's mother. A week later Renee's mother called me in tears. She said she wanted to call me sooner but she just couldn't control her emotions. She was fighting them even now. She said she'd be honored if I published this book about her daughter. She said she had some poetry of Renee's if I wanted to add that. I told her I really would like them to see the human and personal side of her. She emailed me the poetry and I faxed it over to Jeff. Jeff called to tell me that he loved the book. He said he thought that since I'd sent so many poems he would use them as an introduction to each chapter. I thought that was a great idea. He also told me that he was getting married. I was happy for him and very sad for me. I asked if he would still be there for me? He said he would and he wouldn't. I said what's that supposed to mean? He said he would always be my friend. I could always count on him for anything. However, he was leaving the company and going to work for his fiancee's firm. He was going over to the other side. Random House, I had to laugh. He said I'm not telling you to leave, but I'd love to keep up our partnership. He said you're contract is coming up next month, July 14th. So if you like, I can ask around and see if it would be worth you staying or leaving. I told him I wanted to be where he was. He asked if I minded holding off on releasing the book as an incentive to try and get me a better deal? I told him I trusted him to do what was best for me. Over the next month so much was happening. I hadn't seen Nick for about a week. He was traveling again for personal reasons. He gets together with his brother once a year and they go have fun. I have his dogs. They are in the mountains of Utah doing the camping thing. They are also supposed to go white water rafting in Idaho or Colorado. They are doing their manly man things. I like to go out into nature but that's too much for me. He is supposed to be back at the end of the week. I spent my time with the dogs and going to lunch with friends. I haven't felt this good in a really long time. I didn't need anyone, I was surviving on my own. I hardly talked to anyone anymore and when Heidi called and invited me to lunch I almost said no. I saw the manuscript about Renee and changed my mind. I really needed to associate with people again. I still have a fear of getting too close. Lunch was great, I forgot how much fun it was. We met at The Spaghetti Factory and from there went shopping, the ultimate after lunch encounter. I totally spent too much money but it was nice to be carefree and have no worries for a change. She told me there was a party this Friday night and invited me. I told her I'd think about it. Nick would be home Sunday and he might try and call. She looked at me like I was nuts. I said I'd be there, where is it? We both laughed, she wrote down the directions and she said she'd call me. Heidi came over during the week and we went swimming in my pool. She thought it was so sweet what Nick had done for me. She was referring to Charlie's memorial. My telephone rang it was Jeff. Random House wants you and wants you really bad. He asked if I could come to New York right away? Now, I said. He said they want you here yesterday. He booked me on the red eye. I called my mother and she would take Sadie and Sophie. I called Nick's mom and she would take Nick's three. No worries I said. I told Heidi that I wasn't able to go to the party after all I had to go to New York tonight. She was excited for me. I told her I really hated to fly. I left messages for Nick everywhere I could think. I was leaving for New York and didn't know when I'd be back.

Chapter 25

I met the next morning with Jeff and his fiancee. Jeff said they love the book, they want to sign you really bad. I said why must I prophet from misery. My books had always done all right. Since I wrote the last book about me Nick and Renee, my popularity has soared. He said that's why Random is willing to pay me 5 million for a one book deal. This book. I said what? He shook his head. He said if you deliver another book they'll double it. I sat down and couldn't believe what I was hearing. 10 million dollars? All I have to do is sign this contract and I get 5 million for the book? Yes, he said. If you write another one, they'll give you another 5 million. They have that much faith in you. I said what do I do? He handed me a pen. I signed the paper and he immediately handed me a check. There would be a party on Saturday night. He'd need me to attend. I can't do that I said. Nick is coming home on Sunday morning. He said Kelly, one night that's all I ask. He never forced me to do anything. I realized a lot was riding on him. I stayed in town. I loved New York and hoped to live here someday. I wonder if Nick ever would? Saturday night finally came and we went to the party. What a great time I had. I was asked to read a little of my book. I read the final minutes of Renee's life on this earth.

"It's OK, you did it, you can go now. Give Charlie a hug and a kiss, take care of her for me." The room erupted into applause. It still brought back all those memories and I hadn't realized until now that I was crying. I missed Nick so much. The first flight from JFK was at 7am, I'd arrive home at almost 6. I hated connecting in Los Angeles. I boarded the flight totally exhausted. I slept all the way home and had to be wakened to make my connection. I apologized and exited the airplane. I was making my connection and saw Nick at the phone. I walked over to him and then a girl flew into his arms. It took my breath away. I sat there staring at them as he kissed her and hugged her. I couldn't move, he was supposed to be with his brother. He was supposed to love me. I ducked into the bathroom so that he wouldn't see me. I sat there for a few minutes and then I saw her walk in. She was so young and so happy. I said excuse me, but was that Nick Carter I saw you with out there? She said yes. I said wow you are so lucky. So is he your boyfriend? She said they had just spent the last week in Denver. She was waiting with him while he took his connection home. Oh, so how did you meet I asked her? We met at a concert in Seattle. That's where I live. He's going to move up there. I tried to hold back my tears. She asked if I would like to meet him? I said Oh could I? We walked out of the ladies room together and Nick knew he was caught. His jaw dropped. His girlfriend started to introduce us and I just slapped him across the face and walked right by him. I was crying uncontrollably now. He ran after me and asked me what I was doing here? I ignored him I couldn't talk to him he had hurt me so badly. I trusted him and he let me down. I went to my gate and boarded my plane. Nick was confirmed on the next flight so I had a 90 minute jump on him. I got home and packed up all of his belongings and put them in a box. I pulled our pictures out of frames and tore them into pieces. I took the box of his belongings and dropped them on his doorstep. I called my mom and told her I was on my way. I also told her if Nick called you haven't heard from me. I locked up my house and drove to my moms. I went inside and my dogs were so happy I was home. I told her what had happened. I also told her I was moving to New York. She was shocked, I said there is nothing but pain in California for me. I can't go on like this. If I stay here any longer I will die. First Danny, then Charlie, Renee, and now Nick. I can't keep doing this. She said what about the dogs? I said I'd take them with me. She said what about Charlie? I told her I'd never sell my house. Maybe I'd live here part of the time and in New York the other part of the time. I asked if I could stay in her guestroom tonight and she said of course I could. I reminded her not to mention to Nick I was here. She said what do I tell him? I said just tell him as far as you knew I was in New York. I went and took a shower and climbed into bed. I cried myself to sleep, why do these things keep happening to me? My mom said Nick was coming to pick up the dogs. I said no he couldn't take them. She said I tried to tell him that but he said something about wanting them home when you got back. She said I tried. I jumped out of bed and quickly got dressed. I loaded the dogs into the car and sped off before Nick could get to my mom's. I passed him on the way down the hill. I watched in my rear view mirror as he made a U-Turn in the middle of the road. Then I thought to myself why am I running? I drove home and put the dogs in the back yard. I went inside and waited for Nick.

Chapter 26

I was pretending to watch TV when he came in to my house. He asked if I saw him? I didn't respond to him. He said well did you? I said are you referring to the airport or on the road right now? He had no response. He said he was sorry. I told him sorry doesn't cut it with me. He said he was so lonely. I said what? You were lonely? You lied to me and you cheated on me. Who the hell do you think you are? I don't want you in my life anymore and I would appreciate it if you leave. He said please, I love you and I want to marry you. I told him no, I wouldn't marry him if he was the last person on earth. I said you of all people know what happened to me. You were the one I trusted now I don't have that. He tried to touch me. I said I loved you like no one I've ever loved before. I can never love again. You took that from me. The dogs were restless and I put their leashes on and hung Charlie's around my neck. I headed out the front door and ran down the street with them. There wasn't anyone in the park so I let them loose. Nick was begging and apologizing and trying to tell me he didn't sleep with her. I said you spent a whole week in Denver and you didn't sleep with her? I'm supposed to believe that? He said he met her on the airplane home. I said why were you kissing her then? He said he was missing me and it just happened. Why did she say you were moving to Seattle then? He said Seattle? I'm not moving to Seattle. He said it's all a misunderstanding, he was apologizing for kissing her. He swore he didn't do anything else. I said Nick I don't believe you. I called the dogs and put them back on their leashes. He said he'd take a lie detector test. He didn't sleep with her. He walked back to my house with me and I put the dogs out in the back yard. He said called Dave one of his producers. Ask him he'll tell you, I didn't cheat on you. I said I'm not calling anyone and you don't have to take a lie detector test. He said then you believe me? I said no, I don't believe you but it doesn't matter because I'm moving to New York. He sat down on the couch and said, I don't know what to say. He had tears in his eyes. I'm sorry for kissing that girl, but I never slept with her. I asked him to please leave I had things to pack. He stood up and he said, I love you Kelly and if you give me your heart one more time, I swear you won't regret it, but if you don't mine will die. I ran upstairs. How dare he put this guilt on me. I wasn't the one caught kissing someone. I never would have thought to even go that far. I called Jeff and cried into my phone. I told him what happened and he again said he was sorry. I told him I didn't believe Nick. He said then come to New York. I said but I love Nick, like I have never loved anyone before. He said even more than me? I told him I was serious and he apologized. He said then follow your heart. I said my heart is broken and it's pointing in two different directions. I asked him when I had to tell him if I was coming? He told me to take my time. I lied down on the bed and fell asleep. I was exhausted and didn't need anymore confusion in my life. Somewhere in the night Nick got in bed with me. When I woke up my head was on his shoulder. I jumped out of bed surprised that he was there. I headed to the bathroom and cried in the shower. When I got out he was gone. I dressed and went down to the garage for boxes. If I'm going I need to start packing. I grabbed a couple of boxes and headed up to my closet. Renee's box caught my eye. I opened the box and rubbed the quilt that she'd made for me. I said I miss you, I could really use a good talk right now. I leafed through the photo album and was laughing through my tears. Then I remembered the letter. I'd forgotten all about it, I reached down to the bottom of the box and pulled it out. I sat on the bed and unfolded the letter. Renee was always so dramatic she started the letter, if you're reading this letter it means I have just passed on. As I was reading I realized she wrote it some time before my visit. She talked about her decision for not telling me about her cancer. She was afraid that somehow it was all her fault. She went on to talk about our friendship. She said she love me and hoped that I found happiness with Nick. He's a good man she said. She said I needed to trust him more. He would never do anything to hurt me. Those words hurt now and cut so deep into my soul. She said that the 3 days that they were together meant absolutely nothing to him. He just pumped her for information. She said they had sex, it was only sex and not love. She was so jealous that I would find true love and not have to go looking for it or pretend to be someone I'm not. She went on to tell me that while we were not talking she made the quilt. She put the photo album together for me after Charlie died but was afraid to give it to me. She said if you notice Charlie is in every picture in this album. I hadn't noticed I put down the letter and opened up the album again. She was right Charlie was in everyone. I went back to the letter and found my place. She said the little baby outfit was for my first child. She was hoping it was with Nick, she said with everything that I had to endure the one constant in my life was Nick. It's so obvious that you two love each other. She ended her letter by saying she'd walk Charlie for me in heaven and she'd watch over Nick and I. She said I love you for all eternity. I just cried, she had reached out from the grave again and gave me some hope. I ran downstairs looking for Nick. He wasn't here, I ran across the street and knocked on his door. I peeked in his garage and his car was gone. I ran back across the street without looking and was hit by a car.

Chapter 27

I didn't see it coming, I was conscious and in a lot of pain. The man who hit me called 911 and asked for an ambulance. He bent down and asked if I was all right. I said no, I need for you to do something for me. He said anything, I said let me use your phone. I called Nick's mom and asked if Nick was there? She said no he's not. I said if you see him please tell him I love him. She asked what was wrong. I started crying we got into a fight and I told him I was moving to New York. I made him leave, but I want to stay and I love him. The ambulance was getting closer and Jane asked where I was? I said I ran over to Nick's to talk to him but he's not home. Like an idiot I ran into the street and was hit by a car. She said WHAT? Are you all right? I said no, I need Nick I'll die without him. She asked what hospital I was going too? I couldn't answer her because the paramedics were now trying to assess my injuries. I screamed in pain as they moved my leg. The man who hit me was really nervous. I told him it was all right, it was my fault. You did nothing wrong. Just then a police officer bent down and asked me if I could give a statement. I said yes, that man did nothing wrong. I ran into the street, I was not paying attention. He gave the man his license back and allowed him to leave. I was loaded up onto a gurney and taken to the hospital. My injuries weren't life threatening I had a broken leg and a bunch of bruises and scratches. I hadn't realized it but I was still clutching Renee's letter. I raised my eyes to the ceiling and said you saved me didn't you guys? I suddenly became so tired and fell asleep. I dreamed that Nick had come back and he had forgiven me. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me. I heard his cries of pain so clearly. I felt as if I was crying too. I flinched when my face was touched. I snapped open my eyes and Nick was at my bedside. I thought to myself, it wasn't a dream. He has come back to me. I tried to sit up but couldn't. He told me to lie still. I told him I loved him and didn't want to leave him. He put his head down and stared at the bed. He looked back at me and his eyes were wet from his tears. I said is it too late? Do you want to be with someone else? I want you to be happy and if I'm not that person, I said choking up, then its OK if you have to leave me. Nick said there wasn't anyone else he wanted to be with. He said when he got to his mother's house and she told him I was in an accident, he thought of Renee. He said he didn't know what to expect and could never be as strong as I was with her. I said I went to your house because I finally read Renee's letter. He looked at me strangely. She passed 7 almost 8 months ago, and you're just reading it now? I nodded my head and pulled the letter out from under the blanket. I said if it wasn't for her in my life even now, I would have left. He said what did she say? I handed him the letter and he asked if I really wanted him to read it? I told him I didn't want us keeping anything from each other anymore. I told him if he took me back than my first priority would be him. He said we never broke up. Did you really think I'd let you walk out on my life? I didn't understand what he meant by all of this. He said do you know where I went today? I shook my head no. He said I was at the Realtor's setting up and appointment to get my house appraised. If you were going to New York, then I was going with you. I was crying now and I wanted him like I'd never wanted anyone in my life. He said he loved me too much to just let me walk away. He said if you never believe anything I ever say again please believe me when I say I love you and I would never sleep with another woman. He said I kissed her but that was it. I swear it. Through my tears I told him I believed him. He stood up and kissed me so passionately I almost had an orgasm. Nick I love you so much and I'm sorry I'm so difficult at times. He told me I was perfect just the way I was. He sat down and held my hand and read the letter. When he was finished he looked at me and said you were so lucky to have her in your life. I told him I knew that. I wasted so much time being jealous of her. I wish I could go back and change all that now. The doctor came in and asked if I was in any pain? I said just my heart. He said what? Then realized Nick and I were both crying. He smiled and asked about my leg? I said it was fine. He had already casted it and then he opened my chart and told me I was officially released. I can go home now, I asked? He said you don't need to stay here for a broken leg. The nurse will give your paperwork to your husband and we'll get a wheelchair to take you downstairs. I said he's not my husband, but thank you anyway. The nurse came in and Nick helped me get dressed. They didn't have to cut my pants because I was wearing sweats. Nick very carefully pulled the sweats on and pulled my shirt on over my chest. I wasn't wearing a bra and noticed Nick's excitement. When the shirt came over my head I leaned in for a kiss. He helped me pull my ponytail out of my shirt. The nurse came in with the wheelchair and Nick went to get his car. Nick lifted me up into his car and was very careful with my left leg. He drove me home and carried me upstairs to my bedroom. We lied down together and he called his mom on the phone. He said that I was all right, I had a broken leg and some cuts and scrapes but other than that was fine. He paused and said, I don't know if she's still leaving. Wherever she goes I'll go too he said. I love her ma, it made me cry. I looked him in the eye and told him I wasn't going anywhere. He leaned down and kissed me. He said ma, I have got to go.

Chapter 28

I was drugged up pretty good and fell asleep pretty easily. Nick stayed with me that night. I remember waking up because my foot itched. I couldn't quite reach it and I lost my balance and fell out of bed. I was laughing so hard Nick jumped up out of bed and turned the light on. He thought I was crying. Once he was able to see my face. My hair was covering it, he noticed I was laughing. He said what happened? I said I had an itch and I just started laughing again. Nick helped me back into bed. Once I calmed down he asked what was so funny? I had to write it down because just the thought of why I was laughing made me laugh again. I had him get me a piece of paper and pen. I was crying now, because I was laughing so hard. I wrote down I felt like that old lady on the commercial, I've fallen and I can't get up. I'm just so glad that you're here. I told him he'd have to get me the clapper so I can turn my television on and off. He laughed too. He still didn't think it was that funny. Once I had things under control, I told him I just felt so good. It was mostly because he was here. I was crying real tears now. I said Nick I don't ever want to lose you. He hugged me close and said I wouldn't. I said I feel in some small way that I'm holding you back. I feel like I'm too much for you with all of my emotional issues. Not trusting you and stuff like that. He said if he couldn't deal with it, he wouldn't be here. I said that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to come home one day and find your things had been pack and you were gone. That scares me more than you can even imagine. He said he'd never do that to me. He loved me too much to hurt me in such a way. He kissed my head and asked me if my leg hurt? I said it's killing me, he got me another pain pill and a glass of water. I told him he was so good to me, what have I ever done to deserve you in my life? He said I was talking funny, it must be the drugs but I could see his tears in his eyes. I told him I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I loved him. I love you more than Charlie. Now his tears were falling freely, he said he loved me just as much. He made sure I was comfortable and he climbed back in bed. He turned the lights off and we just lay there. A few minutes had passed and he asked if I was still awake? Yes, I'm still awake. My leg is throbbing I said. He told me something of his was throbbing too. I laughed, he asked if I thought we could handle living together? I said what do you mean by that? He said he wasn't ready to get married, but he thought that since we spent so much time together, why not wake up and go to sleep together all the time? I asked him where would we live? He said here, in my house. I said I couldn't leave Charlie so I'm glad he said that. Yes, we can live together. He sat up and kissed me. I love you Kelly, he said. I love you too Nick. We held each other and fell back to sleep. Over the next 6 weeks my leg healed and Nick moved in with me. His house was up for sale. The garage was full of his belongings and we now had 5 dogs between us. I told him that Renee must be throwing one heck of a party for us. He said no, that party would come when we get married. It made me smile just thinking that one day I'd be his wife. The weeks quickly gave way to months and we were approaching Thanksgiving again. We went to my mother's house again and a lot of my aunt's and uncles were there. I'd seen cousins that I haven't seen since I was little. I was a great day, we drove over to Nick's parent's house for pie afterwards. Nick's siblings were in from out of town and this would be one of the few opportunities they had to get together. We were to leave for New York tomorrow so we had to go home early. We had to ship the dogs out to New York early because of the limited space on the aircraft. Jeff had arranged for someone to pick up all five dogs and take them to the apartment. The housekeeper would take care of them until we arrived tomorrow night. I got home and called her and she said they had finally settled down and were sleeping now. I had to laugh, I apologized for any inconvenience that this may have caused her. She told me not to give it another thought. I found Nick in the shower and jumped in with him. He held me close to his body and washed me. We dried off and got into bed naked. After he made love to me he told me he loved me. He's never said that to me, he's told me he loves me but never after sex. I searched his face for some explanation but he wasn't offering one. He turned the light off and pulled me close to him. I fell asleep and actually had a nightmare. I've never had one before. I was dreaming that Nick was reaching out to me and I couldn't reach his hand and the distance between us kept getting greater and greater. I sat up all sweaty and gasping for air. Nick asked if I was all right? I turned on the light to make sure he was still there. I told him that I had a nightmare. He said that was obvious, what was it about? I said you were leaving me… I couldn't reach you. You held your hand out and I held out mine but the distance kept getting greater between us. He said he wasn't going anywhere. I got up and rinsed off and used the bathroom. I got back in bed and Nick was already asleep. I couldn't help thinking that maybe this was a sign. If it was, what did it mean?

Chapter 29

Our trip to New York went very smoothly. We loved the walk through Central Park and we were quite a sight with our 5 dogs. As Nick and I walked back to the apartment Nick said he could live here. I looked at him and said really? He said part time of course. I laughed and told him I'd been contemplating that for years. We went to a party that evening and I ran into Kevin Richardson. He had a woman on his arm and he walked up to me and asked if I remembered him? I said how could I forget you? He introduced me to his friend Shelly. I told him this was my Nick. He looked at him and asked if he's the guy? I said the one and only. After he left Nick asked what that was all about? I said he's the guy I almost cheated on you with. He turned around and looked at him as Kevin walked away. I said nothing happened, and nothing ever will happen. He said he trusted me, he just didn't trust him. We danced and eventually sat down to a dinner and listened to a speech given by a new writer. My books had down remarkable well and Random House was very proud of me. I'm making so much money I hardly know what to do with it. We flew back home and got ready for Christmas. This was a sad time of year for me. We were approaching the first anniversary of Renee's death. We busied ourselves with Christmas shopping and Nick was touring. His CD that came out last Christmas was still in the top 10, so he was riding it for as long as he could. His house sold and it was kind of sad in a way. It's the house where I met him and even though he lived with me now I couldn't help but think if anything ever happened between the two of us, he would no longer live on the corner. Jeff called because Random wanted another book. I'm writing as fast as I can I said. I was under a lot of pressure lately. The anniversary of Renee's death was coming up and Random House wanting more books. The pay was good but the emotional stress I was under was too much. Nick came home and found me asleep on the couch. He woke me up and told me to come upstairs. He was wet it had started raining. I went upstairs and Nick undressed me and put me into bed. He said he'd be back in a few minutes. I heard the shower turn on and I got up to join him. He was happy to see me. I just smiled and told him to move over. He'd been gone a few days and I really missed him. He asked if I still wanted to go to his mom's for Christmas Dinner. I said sure, we got out of the shower and dried off. He made love to me again that night. I just couldn't imagine my life without him. We lay side by side in the dark and I told him I didn't want to write anymore. He was surprised but he said it would be all right. I said do you think so? He rolled onto his elbow and said I should do what makes me happy. I told him every book I write they want another one. My life is consumed with writing. I want to learn something else. He pulled me close to him and told me to follow my heart. I woke up the next morning and Nick and I took our dogs for a walk. It was really cold and the ground was still wet. We got to the woods and sat down on our log. Nick said that we've been coming here for a year and a half now. He got serious and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life being as happy as he was today. I told him I did too. He then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I was totally unprepared for it. I had no idea it was coming. Of course I said yes. I'm not a fool, but I always imagined that I'd marry him, I just didn't think he was ready. I hugged and kissed him and cried. He makes me so happy. Once we got home I called my mom and shared the news. She hasn't been feeling to well lately but this news made her feel good again, she told me. Nick called his parents and shared the news with them. I also called Jeff and Eleanor, Renee's mom. We'd kept in close contact ever since Renee got sick. She was excited for me and told me Renee must be dancing in heaven. It made me sad to know she wasn't here. We always talked about her being my bridesmaid. After the news sunk in Nick asked me what kind of wedding I wanted? I don't care really, just to be your wife is enough for me. He laughed and said every little girl dreams of there wedding day. I want your dream to come true. I thought to myself, it already has. We went to Nick's parent's house for Christmas Dinner. They were happy for us and kept kidding Nick about him taking his time. I just held his hand and smiled at him. I told them he had perfect timing. We exchanged gifts and left for home late that evening. Nick and I showered and went to bed. We had packing to do in the morning. We were again heading to Denver to visit Renee's grave and her family. I haven't been back since she was buried. Nick kept reminding me about the turbulence that we experienced last year. I told him as long as we were together we'd be fine. We spent the next day cleaning up after Christmas and taking the dogs to Nick's parent's house. Nick was worried about one of his pugs. It wasn't doing well. Bob told Nick he'd take it to the vet for him. We spent the rest of the day just lying around the house. Nick wanted to know when and where I wanted to get married? I told him I was thinking about it. I'd like to be married in the summer. Where and exactly when, I don't know yet. We had finished our packing and Nick took me out to dinner, as we had no food in the house. It was a nice romantic dinner followed by some dancing. We decided to head home early as our flight left at 8:45am.

Chapter 30

Our flight into Denver wasn't as bad as we remembered. However Nick is a very nervous flier anyway. We picked up our rental car and drove to Eleanor's house first. We promised to meet her as soon as we arrived. When we pulled up in front of her house, I saw Renee's car. For just a moment I thought she was inside. I knew she wasn't. I felt my tears fighting to break free. We knocked on the door and Renee's younger sister Julie answered the door. She looked so much like Renee. I gave her a big hug and she hugged Nick and we went inside. Eleanor came downstairs and welcomed us too. After we caught up with each other Eleanor fixed us some lunch. I was fidgety and wanted to go visit Renee. We said our good byes. It was quarter to four and I wanted to get to the cemetery before it got dark. I promised to call Eleanor later that evening. Nick drove to the cemetery and we found Renee's grave stone. I just dropped to my knees. I rubbed my fingers across the lettering of her name. I could no longer hold my tears back. I apologized for being away so long. I told her Nick was here and we were getting married. I laughed and cried. I told her I would save a place for her in my wedding. We always promised we'd be in each other's weddings and you will be in mine. I love you and I miss you so much. How's Charlie? Is she with you? I hope the two of your are together. I read her tombstone. There was a lovely poem she had written about a white dove soaring high above the clouds. Also an eerie reminder of her last moments on the earth, finally free. I cleared away some of the snow and placed her favorite Sun Flowers, on her grave. I sat there just memorizing the poem and reading her name over and over again. Nick said it was time to go. It was very cold and before he walked away he kissed his fingers and touched the top of her tombstone. He grabbed my hand and we walked back to the car. We checked into the hotel and I called Eleanor. She was glad that I'd gotten out there today. She said she goes once a week and places fresh flowers. I told her I left some sunflowers, they were her favorite. She knew that of course, we were both quietly crying and reminiscing about her. Even in death she could make us laugh and make us so angry with her. Nick and I ate a light dinner. I wasn't very hungry and we went to bed and watched some TV until we fell asleep. The next day I was talking to Eleanor while Nick was watching some ball game with Renee's father. I said I wanted to incorporate Renee in my wedding to Nick. I had finally decided on a date, July 17th. I went through some of her poems and picked out one on love and friendship, which I would have read at the wedding. I also told Eleanor that I would have 4 bridesmaids. However, they would be two together with a large gap, followed by the other two. I said the empty spot in the middle would be reserved for Renee. I wish she could be there. Through her tears she said that would be so lovely. I invited her two sisters to be my bridesmaids and two of Nick's sisters to be my bridesmaids. Nick's sister Leslie was starting her own singing career and she would be singing a song at the wedding for us. Over the next four days with Eleanor I planned out my entire wedding. I told her next to Renee there wasn't anyone I'd want helping me. She hugged me and kissed me good bye. We both promised to keep in touch. On our way back to the airport we stopped by the cemetery and I said good bye to Renee again. I promised not to wait another year to come back and visit. I again placed some fresh flowers at her grave and cleared the fresh snow off the top. Nick again kissed his fingers and touched the top of her head stone. We walked back to the car and headed back to the airport. We experienced heavy turbulence climbing over the Rocky Mountains again. Nick sat in his seat with his eyes closed and he was squeezing my hand so tightly I lost feeling in my fingers. Once the turbulence stopped he released his grasp. I then filled him in on all the wedding plans I had made with Eleanor. He was happy to have a date finally set. One Valentines Day we would witness Jeff's marriage. Then with 5 months to go we would be married finally. Over the next few weeks we found a church and I went shopping for a dress. The week before Valentines Day, Nick's pug Lucky died. He was very old and had been having all sorts of respiratory problems. It devastated him. He was buried out back with Charlie. Charlie and Lucky would forever be apart of our lives. The next week we flew to New York and attended Jeff's wedding at St. Patrick's Cathedral. I told Nick the church was beautiful. They would honeymoon in Aruba for two weeks. I told Jeff weeks ago after I gave him the last book that I was taking an indefinite break from writing. He was sad but said he understood. Nick and I stayed in our apartment over night and flew back on February 15. Nick had given me a Ruby necklace in the shape of a heart. It was beautiful. We picked up the dogs and went home. The next 5 months just seemed to fly by. Nick and I were able to spend a lot of time together and plan our wedding together. It was finally a week before our wedding and the night of our parties. Nick was going to his parents and my friends and family would come to my house. I never had so much fun in my entire life. I just wish my dad were alive to enjoy it. I would be walked down the aisle by Renee's dad. Since he would not be able to walk Renee down the aisle I thought me being her best friend would be the next best thing.

Chapter 31

It is finally our wedding day. I never thought we'd make it this far. Our wedding was sure to be filled with a lot of emotion. Nick spent the night with his parents and I spent the night home alone with the dogs. Nick and I had decided that we would not talk to each other until we met at the altar. The bridesmaids and the groomsmen had taken their place at the altar and now it was my turn. I took Renee's dad's arm and we walked in to the wedding march. Everyone stood and turned in our direction. My tears started falling as I saw the empty space saved for Renee. Her dad was crying I'm not really sure why he was crying but he was. As we approached the altar her dad raised my vale and kissed both my cheeks. One kiss from him and one kiss from Renee. The Pastor asked me to step forward and then explained the significance of the gap between the bridesmaids. I wanted everyone to know that she was here in spirit. A large picture of Renee stood off to the side. The service began with a prayer and then Leslie sang a love song. Julie then came up and was very emotional. She told us that since Renee couldn't be with us today, she would allow Renee to speak to us through her and then she read the poem. I was crying and our guests were crying. Nick kept wiping my tears away with his fingers. He whispered that he loved me. We were finally pronounced man and wife and we kissed. We went back into the Narthex and our guests were escorted out the side entrance. Nick and I were laughing and crying at the same time. We were finally married. Our parents came back and congratulated us. I asked Renee's parents to remain behind, as I wanted them included in the pictures. After about an hour of pictures we headed over to our reception. Nick and I both hugged Leslie, she sang so beautifully at our wedding. The reception went on for 3 hours and Nick and I finally headed up to the hotel room to change and headed to the airport. Nick and I were going to Hawaii. The last flight was at 7:45 out of Los Angeles. Our wedding took place at 11 a.m. We had an hour to catch our commuter down to Los Angeles. This would be the beginning of the rest of our lives. I just hoped that we were over the hump and our lives would be filled with happiness instead of misery. Six moths after our wedding I became pregnant with our first child. I eventually gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She was named Renee Elizabeth. A year and a half later we had our son, Nickolas. Our lives have not been free of pain. My mother passed away shortly after Renee was born. She at least go to see her only child happily married and starting her own family. We also lost Sadie, she got loose from the back yard one day and we've never seen her again. I still have Sophie, my black lab. She still sleeps at the foot of my bed, just like Charlie used to do. There have been so many people who have come and gone from my life. Each of them blessing me and making me stronger. Nick is back in the studio and recording another album and our children are happy and healthy. I've started writing again after taking a 3-year break. We go back every spring and fall to visit Renee. I pray that she's happy for me and that she's at peace. Some people have asked me if I feel like I'm all alone in the world. I tell them I don't because I'm not. I have a husband who loves me and two adorable children. How could I ever feel alone? I read Renee's letter the other day again. It made me realize how blessed I truly am to have had these people in my life. I just hoped that I had the impact on their lives that they have left on mine. I asked Nick just last night, Have I led a good life? Am I a good person? He said of course, why would I even as a silly question? Now I lay beside my sleeping husband nursing my son and wondering what I ever did to deserve to be so happy?