Chapter 1

I hate my life. My boyfriend of 8 years just dumped me. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. He's a jerk and I can do better. I stayed the first night with my friend Annie and searched for an apartment of my own. I'd never lived alone before and was pretty nervous about it. There was a vacant apartment in Annie's building so I applied and was accepted. I had to now beg my parents for money for furniture. They thought that Danny and I would have been married by now. They were not exactly pleased that I was living with him anyway. My brother said why should he buy the cow when he could get the milk for free? I said he was stupid and not helping. They eventually agreed and set me up in my apartment. I was miserable that first week. I hated living alone I was crying all the time and I had started drinking. 8 years was a long time, longer than even some marriages I've known. Annie came down to my apartment on Friday and told me to get dressed we were going to a party. What the hell, as long as someone else was buying I was drinking. She drove to some huge house on the beach and when we got there the party was already in full swing. I first grabbed a beer and told Annie I would amuse myself, go and have fun I said. I danced with a few people and made a few friends. I walked up to a game of quarters. There were four guys as ripped as I was. I asked if I could join them, they said have a seat. It wasn't long before we were totally plastered. I went upstairs with one of them, I think his name was Nick. I don't really remember too much about what happened. We had sex, got dressed and went back downstairs. I danced with one of the other guys, Brian I think his name was. He kept feeding me alcohol and we eventually ended upstairs having sex. I hated myself and didn't care what I was doing. Someone wanted me even if it was for 10 -15 minutes. I passed out on the couch at sometime and Annie woke me up and took me home. She asked if I was all right? I said sure, fine. The next day I woke up with such a hangover and little memory of the night before. I did remember Nick and Brian. As far as anything else it was just a memory. When I told Annie what I remembered she was horrified. She couldn't believe I'd go that low. I shrugged it off and said it was just sex. I dressed for work and left her deep in thought, lock up when you leave I said. I headed to my boring secretarial job and made it through my part time shift. I kept busy doing odds and ends and calling my friends whenever I could. I had taken the past week off to move and now was behind on my work. I always did what I wanted and got away with it. My boss wanted me so bad. All I had to do was pout and he gave me my way. He was always propositioning me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a slut, this has just been a very difficult time in my life and I'm having a hard time coping. After work Annie met me at my apartment and sat me down and talked to me about really changing my life around. I needed to love myself first in order to find someone to love me. If I didn't love myself then why would anyone else want to love me she asked? I said Danny and I were good together, why that relationship failed I still don't know. She told me Danny was a pig and I was better off without him. I told her I was scared, what if I never find someone? I don't want to go through life alone. I want kids and the house with the white picket fence. The whole enchilada. Annie said then I should go get it. She said what I did last night certainly wouldn't get me what I wanted. I agreed with her and asked her if she hated me? She said she could never hate me. We've been friends since we learned to walk practically. We grew up as neighbors in a suburb of Tampa. We had done everything together. School, cheerleading, church activities, dating… you name it we did it together. It was really hard for her to see my like this. I promised that I would stop drinking, I think this is why I'm having so many problems. I promised her I wouldn't take another drink. I gave her all the alcohol in my house and went for a run. Something I haven't done in I don't know how long, 8 years maybe. I struggled on my little run around the block. When I got back I felt like I'd run a marathon. I couldn't breath and I was all sweaty. Annie was still in my apartment and when she saw me she started laughing. It was funny I had to admit. I told her I was going again tomorrow so she should get used to it. She said good for me. I invited her to lunch and we headed down to the all you can eat soup and salad bar. Over the next few weeks I was really making some changes in my life. I'd lost 11 lbs. and was able to run almost 2 miles without gasping for air. I'd started drawing again, something I'd loved. I often took my art materials to the beach at sunset and sketched people or the sunset. It was fantastic to feel this good again. I think I'm coming down with the flu though. I haven't been feeling well at all. Annie tells me I'm too active and that's why I'm sick. Nah, I tell her, for the most part I fell better than I've ever felt in a long time. Work is good and my personal life is lacking, but what else is new. If I could just shake this cold, whatever it is then I would get out there and try to find Mr. Right.

Chapter 2

Annie invited me to the same party again, at first I didn't want to go, but she persuaded me to go. I was embarrassed to run into Nick or Brian. I was hoping that they wouldn't be there. We were driving to the house and Annie noticed a difference in my demeanor and asked if I was OK? I told her I was nervous about running into Brian and Nick. I wasn't sure I could look them in the eyes. She got real serious and told me that they lived there. I think I lost all color in my face and I asked her to pull over. For some reason the thought just made me sick. Literally sick, I was heaving my guts out on the side of the road. Annie asked if I was all right? I told her I just couldn't shake this flu. We continued onto the party and I stayed away from all food and alcohol. I carried around a 7-UP all night. I did run into Nick and Brian. If they remember me from the last party they were not letting on. Actually Nick and I talked for half the night and had a few dances. He even asked for my phone number. I was reluctant to give it to him but I did. It was getting really late and it was time to go. Nick stopped us at the door and said they were all going down to Denny's Restaurant for food and invited us to go along. I looked at Annie and she said she it was up to me. Nick looked at me with the million-dollar smile of his and I said OK, just for a little while though. We followed the guys in my Explorer and went to Denny's. There was about 10 of us and Nick took a seat right next to me. Annie sat on the other side of me and Brian sat across from me. I was praying the entire night that they didn't remember. We ordered food and waited for it to arrive. We made small talk in the interim. We were all single and working. It was early October and the weather outside was rainy. The guys were talking about their summer on the beach and how much fun they had playing volleyball and just hanging out at the beach. They all lived together in the house by the canal. Nick talked about his boat and how he still liked to go out. The water was too choppy so the fellas wouldn't go with him anymore. I confessed that I had never been on a boat before. Nick smiled and said he'd love to take me out sometime. I told him after I got over this bug I had. Everything makes me nauseous right now. Finally our food came. I only ordered French fries with a side of ranch dressing and a diet Coke. Everyone else was eating a variety of foods. Kevin's eggs for some reason made me really queasy. If I even looked at them my stomach did flip-flops. We were laughing and having a good time. I was getting tired and asked Annie if she minded if we left now. I know she wasn't happy because she was deep into some conversation with AJ. All they did was whisper between each other and laugh. A few times the rest of us looked at the too of them only to find Annie blushing. She said okay, after all it was after 2 a.m. We said goodnight and Nick promised to call me. Sure, I said as I said good bye to all the fellas. I fell asleep in the car on the way home. I was so exhausted, Annie woke me when we got home. She told me I should go see a doctor, this wasn't like me to be this sick so long. I told her I'd make an appointment. I went inside and went too bed. The next morning I felt so much better. I decided to go for my run. When I came back I found Annie folding clothes in the laundry room. She asked if I made a doctor's appointment? I told her I didn't need to I was over it. I feel great, I said. She asked if I wanted to take in a movie later. I said I'd love too, what's playing? She told me she would get her paper and meet me at my apartment in 30 minutes. I said OK, I'll go shower and I'll see you later. I went inside and just as I was getting into the shower my phone rang. I figured it was Annie. I picked up the phone telling her she had perfect timing. I heard Nick's voice say, O….. K…… I laughed and apologized. I thought you were my friend Annie calling. I wrapped in a towel and switched off the shower. He asked if he had interrupted anything? I told him not really. He asked if I had any plans for later? I told him nothing that couldn't be changed, what did he have in mind? He laughed his little nervous laugh and asked if I wanted to hang out at his place? He said the guys are all out and he thought I would want to come over. I was hearing a little voice that was telling me that maybe he did remember me from the previous party. I asked him what would we do at his house? He said just hang out. I said not today, I don't feel comfortable hanging at your house all alone. I don't even know you. I said why don't you come over here and we'll hang out at my apartment. He said fine. I gave him directions and took my shower. I called Annie and canceled our movie. She said she didn't mind and was glad Nick was coming over. I told her about the phone call earlier and she said that we were all so wasted that night, she doubts he remembers. I told her I hoped he didn't. There was a knock on my door so I hung up with Annie and answered it. Hi, I said to Nick. He came in and I closed the door. He said my place was nice. I told him it wasn't as big as his, but it was home to me. He told me bigger wasn't always better. I almost made a comment but held my tongue instead. I offered Nick something to drink, he chose a Pepsi. I poured us both a Pepsi and we sat on the couch. Now what I asked?

Chapter 3

He asked if I was over my cold and I told him it was gone the very next day. I still feel a little queasy now and again but it passes when I eat. He said he gets that way sometimes too. I just laughed, he asked if I had any music? Sure, I opened up the entertainment center and we put on some Boys II Men. We lay on the floor and sorted through my CD's. He liked a lot of my music. I was surprised when he wanted to play Alan Jackson. I like a variety of music, country included, and was surprised to find out that he was a fan of Alan Jackson. I told him I had Garth Brooks too, he said Nah, I like Alan better. I joked with him about calling him Alan. I was letting my guard down with him and we ended up talking and listening to music for a few hours. My tummy is telling me I need to eat, I told Nick. He laughed and said his was saying the same thing. We had 2 pizza's delivered and ate and talked and laughed. We were a lot alike in many ways. I told him about Danny and he told me about Candy. They were our first loves. The thought of him still makes me a little sad. I just don't know what went wrong. How do you fall out of love with someone? Nick said he didn't know. I felt comfortable with him, but I still loved him so very much. I guess I kind of still do. I realize though that it's a useless fight and I'm ready to move on. I've heard through the grapevine that he already has. He said he hasn't talked to Candy since the breakup. He took it very hard but he too is ready to move on. We watched Saturday Night Live together and then he went home. He told me he'd call me tomorrow if that was all right? I said sure, just not too early. He laughed and said he'd call around noon. I watched him walk down to the elevator and wave as he stepped in. I changed out of my clothes and munched on a piece of cold pizza and went to bed. I woke up around ten and fixed some breakfast and went for my run. I was feeling pretty good. My breasts were pretty sore and I was trying to figure out why. I hadn't had my period in a while, but I heard that was normal when you lost weight, the changes in your body and stuff. I brushed it off and went home and took a shower. Nick called about 12:30 and we talked for a little while. I was yawning and apologizing for yawning. I don't know why I'm so tired I told him. He laughed and said he had a lot of fun yesterday and wanted to take me out again soon. I told him sure. We dated over the next 4 weeks. Becoming closer and closer all the while. The first time I kissed him I nearly fainted. Literally, my knees buckled and he caught me. He laughed he thought it was so funny. He said he heard of girls swooning but this was a first for him. I was noticing I was gaining weight. I had recently lost almost 20lbs and I've since put 8 pounds back on. I blamed it on Nick. I've never eaten as much as when I'm with you. He said I looked fine and not to worry. I began to run and add more distance. I was up to 2 ½ miles a day now. My weight pretty much stayed put now. Nick and I decided to go to Disney World for the day. I hadn't been in so long. I was looking forward to it. It was early December and Florida was having some freaky weather. It was in the 90's. We were standing in line for some ride and I fainted. When I came too I was in an ambulance and they were sticking a needle in the back of my hand. I was groggy and disoriented. Where am I? I asked. Nick's face popped in front of mine and I said what's going on? Nick said I fainted and we were going to the hospital to get checked out. I was just so tired, I closed my eyes and fell asleep. I woke up when the doctor's were examining me. I remember looking at him and he looked at me and then nothing. I'd gone back to sleep. 7 hours later I woke up and Nick was asleep in the chair beside my bed. He must have heard me stretch or moan or something because he woke up and asked if I was all right? I said I feel rested, and I smiled. He pushed a button and the nurse came in. Oh so you're awake Sarah. I smiled and asked if there was anything to eat? I'm starving I said. Nick smiled and the nurse said she'd be back with a tray for me. A few minutes later a doctor walked in and asked me how I was feeling? I said fine, what happened to me? He told me heat exhaustion, but it was magnified because of my condition and that's why they wanted to keep me overnight for observation. I looked at him and asked "what condition?" He said your pregnancy. My what, I screamed? He said that I was 10 weeks pregnant. Nick let go of my hand. I said there has got to be some mistake, I'm not pregnant. He pulled the ultrasound close to my bed and set it up. Sure enough, there was a baby inside of me. I was shocked. He said you didn't know this? I said no, I've been sick but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that it was this. I looked at Nick and I could tell he was uncomfortable. The nurse came in with my tray and I wasn't hungry anymore. They finally left us alone in the room and I looked at him and told him if he wanted to go he could. He said he wasn't sure how he felt, but he didn't want to leave me alone. I said I'd be all right, I'm sorry about this, I said pointing to my stomach. If I had know I never would have gotten with you. He said he didn't mind that I was pregnant he just was worried about Danny. I told him Danny was so far removed from the picture he had nothing to worry about.

Chapter 4

Nick stayed with me that night in the hospital. He ordered in a pizza and we never ate the hospital food. Nick was actually excited that I was pregnant. He was so kind and gentle to me. We went shopping for little baby items. I called my parents it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. They were not happy but again sent me a check to more than cover what I'd need. My parent's were so rich the President of the United States calls them to help bail the country out of debt. My dad's a big wig on Wall Street and makes so much money he doesn't even have to leave the house. I had to move because my apartment was only a one bedroom. Dad and mom flew down and met Nick. They asked right in front of him if he was the father. No! I said, so embarrassed I think the baby blushed too. I said we're dating but no, he's not the father. I wish he was though, he'd be a better father than Danny. Dad wanted to know if Danny knew? I said no, Danny doesn't know. He told me I had better tell him and soon. I will, in my own time daddy. They spent the next 2 weeks in Florida. We went house hunting, we finally found one on a quiet street in a cul de sac.

It was very nice it had a pool that was fenced in, definitely a plus. It was a two-story, four-bedroom home. Daddy said it would be mine by the first of the year. Christmas was coming up soon and I was really starting to show now. I was nearing my fourth month. My due date was June 1st. I kept working up until my 8th month. Then I couldn't handle it anymore. I was as big as a house. I was all moved into my new home. Nick basically lived with me. I loved him so much. He found it awkward but interesting, making love to a pregnant woman. He was always worried he would hurt the baby somehow. It made me laugh, he was so concerned. One day we were at the mall and sitting down eating, what else. Danny and his latest walked by. I put my head down and tried to hide, but he saw me and wandered over. He said my god Sarah, what happened to you? I told him I was pregnant. He looked at me and asked how far along I was? I said 8 months, and yes it's yours. He started laughing, I asked him what was so funny. He said it couldn't be mine. I said it is yours. He said no it's not, I'm sterile. I've been sterile it's all been confirmed by a doctor. He said who else have you been with? Then that terrible night came crashing in around me. The night that I slept with Nick and Brian. Oh, my goodness, what do I do now. Then I said, you liar, you're not sterile. He turned to his girlfriend and said tell her baby. She confirmed that they had gone to the doctor together and he was sterile. He finally walked away laughing and told me good luck in finding out who the real father was. I was really emotional and Nick took me home. I walked upstairs and called Annie. I begged her to come over and she promised she'd be right here for me. I lied on the bed just crying and waiting. Nick came and checked on me and I told him I was all right. Annie rang the doorbell and Nick let her in. She came upstairs and asked what was wrong. I told her I'd run into Danny at the mall. She said so? Why is that so life shattering? I told her he was sterile. Her face went white. She was whispering, she said who is the father? I told her Nick or Brian? I didn't know which one because I'd slept with them both. Oh Sarah, what are you going to do? I just cried and said I didn't know. Nick came up again and brought me a glass of water. I thanked him and he offered to get something for Annie, she declined. Once he left she told me I had to tell him. I cried, how could I break his heart. She said if I wasn't honest with him, it would be a whole lot worse. She stayed with me a while longer and I asked her to wait downstairs while I told Nick. I wasn't sure how he would react and I didn't want to be alone in the house if he left. She promised she would stay. She left and sent Nick upstairs to me. I sat on the bed with my head in my hands. He sat down on the bed next to me and asked if I was all right? I told him I had something to tell him about the baby. He looked at me and said he'd love the baby and me no matter what. I tried to control my emotions and then reminded him of our first encounter. He vaguely remembered and then with a little help he remembered sleeping with me. He said so this is my baby? I said, well there is more. Your friend Brian, well I slept with him that same night too. That devastated him. He asked what I was thinking? I said I wasn't thinking. I needed to feel wanted and you wanted me that night. I slept with you first and then Brian and I hadn't slept with anyone except him since. He said he needed to think and grabbed his jacket and left. Annie came back upstairs and held me. I was weeping, I love him Annie, what am I going to do now? She said I was honest with him and that has to count for something. Annie waited with me until 11 p.m. and then had to leave. She had to work tomorrow. I kissed her goodbye and went to bed. I didn't sleep well, Nick has slept by my side throughout my entire pregnancy. Well, since I found out anyway. Now he was gone. I barely slept at all that night. I had a doctor's appointment the next day too. I finally did fall asleep and Nick had not come home. I showered and dressed and went downstairs. Annie called and I told her I hadn't heard from Nick yet. She told me not to worry he'd be back. I ate breakfast and headed to my doctor's appointment. I asked about a paternity test, and the doctor said he could do it. I just had to bring in the candidates for testing after the baby was born. My checkup went smoothly. No problems with the baby. He was perfect.

Chapter 5

I was carrying a boy and didn't have anyone to share it with. I called Annie on the phone and was crying. I told her it was a boy. She was happy for me. I kept the conversation short and headed home. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep. I left my car at the hospital and took a taxi. It's a good thing too, because I fell asleep on the way home. The cab driver woke me up, I paid my fare and went inside and went back to bed. Still no sign of Nick, no messages nothing. Annie kept calling me and checking on me, I told her I was trying to sleep and she wasn't helping. I hung up and went downstairs. Now I was hungry and the baby was kicking and jumping and whatever else he had room to do in there. I sat on the couch and watched as Brian's red Cherokee pulled into my driveway. He knocked on the door and I let him in. He asked how I was feeling? I said fine. He told me he'd talked to Nick. I was thankful, how is he I asked? Well, he's not good he said. Frankly, neither am I he said. He told me he didn't remember sleeping with me, he asked if I was sure? I told him I was and not to worry, once my son is born I'd have a paternity test down to determine whether it was him or Nick. He asked if I had slept with anyone else? I said just Danny and it 's not his. He asked if I was sure I hadn't slept with anyone else? That annoyed me and I said, regardless of how it might seem, I am not a slut. I had one night where my judgment was clouded by alcohol and this is the consequence of that night. He apologized and was just taking the news pretty hard. He had since become engaged and he wasn't sure how his fiancee would deal with the news. I said so keep it a secret. We don't know that you are the father anyway. We'll know in another month or less if he decides to come early. Brian said I keep referring to the baby as he or him. I said it's a boy, it was confirmed by an ultrasound and amnio. Wow, he said. Congratulations, he promised that if it were his son he would help me. We talked for almost an hour and Nick's Durango pulled into the driveway. He walked in and I could tell he had been crying. Brian embraced him and then he left. He told me he'd keep in touch. Nick sat down next to me and I told him I was so worried about him. He turned to me and said he just didn't know what to think anymore. I told him I thought it was Danny's. After all it was like 15 minutes with you and 15 minutes with Brian. I never even dreamed something like this would happen. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me no matter what. That just made me cry more. I kissed him and we went upstairs to lie down. I wasn't feeling very good and thought a nap would help. I woke up with a sharp pain flowing from the middle of my back to my stomach. I woke Nick and told him to call 911, something was really wrong. I was in so much pain. Nick called 911 and then I felt my water break. Oh God, Nick, the baby is coming. Nick was now being instructed how to deliver the baby. He cut away my underwear and elevated my head and opened my legs. He screamed I see the head! This was all happening too fast for me, I still had another month to go. I kept saying tell them it's too early. Please tell them we've got to stop. Nick said Sarah, his head is out, and you need to stop. He was really serious now and he was doing something to the baby. I don't know what, (later I found out he was making sure the baby had nothing in it's mouth or nose that would obstruct his breathing). I felt a strong urge to push. I told Nick I needed to push. He relayed the information to the 911 operator and he told me to push. The paramedics were at my front door but couldn't get in because of a locked door. 20 minutes later Nick delivered my son and went to open the door for the paramedics. I was sore and very tired. The paramedics transported both of us to the hospital and congratulated Nick on delivering his son. Nick said thanks. The doctor's said my son was fine. He's a little premature but his lungs are fully developed and he's checked out fine. Nick had called Brian and they were both sitting in my room when I woke from a nap. I was surprised to see Brian there. Nick said they wanted to do the paternity test but the nurses needed my consent first. I buzzed for the nurse and asked her for the consent papers for the paternity test. She said she'd be right in. My son was asleep in a bassinet by my bed. The nurse came in and we filled out the paperwork and we all signed on the dotted line. She came back with the swabs and swabbed all of our mouths being careful not to contaminate the swabs. Once she was finished she said we'd have the results sometime tomorrow afternoon. We looked at her and said why so long? She said the lab was closed right now and we had to wait until it opened. My son woke up and started crying. I had decided to nurse him and as I nursed him I searched for some sign as to whose child he was. His eyes were blue, both Nick and Brian have blue eyes. He had no hair so I couldn't go by hair color. I just didn't know. The waiting was too much to bare. Brian said he was going for coffee and would be back soon. I told Nick to go for a walk too. Stretch your legs, we're not going anywhere.

Chapter 6

While they were gone a member of the hospital staff came in about a name for my son. I told her I was waiting paternity results and wouldn't have a name for my son until later. She understood and left the form for me to fill out once I knew. I didn't care who the father was, I wanted to name my son Nickolas. Nick stood by me through all of this I said to myself. I sat there with my son on my lap and just watched him sleep. My tears falling on his little blue blanket. About an hour later the boys returned and I had fallen asleep with my son on my chest. I felt the baby fall and I reached out to grab him. Nick was holding him and talking to him. I sat there watching them. I knew he loved that little baby and I was praying that Nickolas was his. Nick turned around and noticed me watching him. He smiled and said he's so awkward to hold. I smiled and said I have something to say. Nick asked if the results had come back? I said no, but my son needed a name. I had given him a first name and I hoped that neither of them minded. Brian said he didn't mind and Nick asked what I named him? I said I named him Nickolas. I saw Nick's lower lip quiver and Brian smile. I looked at Brian and said Nick's been there for me the entire time. If he is your son I hope we can still call him Nickolas. Brian said Nickolas it is. I felt the first of many tears that I would shed that day start to fall. It was a very long night. We had visitors come in and out and my phone was ringing off the hook. I finally called the operator and asked her to stop the calls for awhile. She laughed and said she noticed I had a lot of calls today. Around 3:30 p.m. the doctor came in with the results of the paternity test. I was so nervous. I asked everyone to leave for a minute. They looked at me like I was crazy. I said Nick stay please. The doctor and Brian left the room and I took Nickolas out of his bassinet. I was talking more to my son than to Nick, but I said no matter what this test says this man is your father. I looked up with teary eyes and told Nick I loved him and was so sorry to put him in this position. He told me he loved us both and would be here for us as long as he was wanted. He kissed us both on our heads and went to get the doctor. Nick came back and sat on the bed with me. I held his hand so tight and Brian was praying for us that the baby was Nick's. He said it's not that he doesn't want to be his father, it's just that Nick wants it more right now. Brian hugged me and we waited for the doctor to tell us. He said that Brian was in no way the father. I let out a sigh of relief and then he said with a 99.999 percent certainty, Nick was the father. I couldn't control my emotions anymore. I handed Nick his son and walked into the bathroom and locked the door. I fell onto my knees and praised God for answering my prayers. My body shook with emotion I was so relieved. Once I was able to calm myself down, I stood up and washed my face of my tears. I walked out into my room and the doctor was gone. Brian met me first and said he was happy for me. He hugged me and said he'd leave us family alone. He looked so tired and I apologized for everything. He said there was no need to apologize. He said for one minute that he hoped Nickolas was his but he realized that Nick wanted it more. I hugged him and he left. Nick was sitting in the rocker with Nickolas and I got back in bed and finished filling out the birth certificate. I asked Nick what his middle name was? He said Gene. I filled in the birth certificate Nickolas Gene Carter II. Father Nickolas Gene Carter. Mother Sarah Ann Marshall. I sealed it in the envelope and buzzed the nurse. I told her this was my son's birth certificate and she said she knew what to do with it. Nickolas was sleeping and Nick put him in the bassinet. I held my arms open and he fell on my chest and was crying like a little baby. He looked at me and said he wanted him to be his son. He just wanted it so badly. I told him I did too. God heard our prayers and now we have a son. Nick said we have to get married. I want my son to have a mom and a dad and siblings. I was laughing I asked him if he was proposing or if he was just caught up in the moment? He got down on his knee and pulled a ring from his pocket and asked me officially. I couldn't believe it. I said yes. He told me he bought the ring a few weeks ago but then found out about the baby possibly being Brian's and he didn't think I'd want to marry him if it was Brian's. I told him I loved him and not Brian. He should never doubt that. He told me he didn't. He climbed into bed with me and we fell asleep until Nickolas woke up hungry. Nick got a big kick out of watching the baby nurse. He felt a little left out so I let him burp Nicky and get thrown up on. Nick didn't care. We were allowed to go home the next day. Annie met us at the hospital and drove us all home. Nick sat in the back with Nicky and Annie and I sat up front. Once we got home Nick called his parents and told them he was the father, and he is a father. He forgot to call his parents and tell them that Nicky was born. Things got pretty chaotic after that. Nick's entire family came over to our house. Little Nicky got passed around. I felt so out of place there. I slipped out of the room and went upstairs. I called Annie on the phone and told her how I felt. I don't know his family at all I told her. I've been up here for 30 minutes and no one has come to check on me. She said I wasn't going to get to know his family hiding out in my room. I agreed with her and hung up and went downstairs.

Chapter 7

As I walked into the room Nick smiled at me. He asked where I went? I said I had to make a phone call. He tapped the vacant spot next to him on the couch. The baby was sleeping in his bassinet. He put his arm around me and Bob said he heard there would be a wedding. I smiled and looked at Nick. I said eventually maybe, there is no rush. I realize that he made the offer out of loyalty to Nicky. Nick said he did no such thing. He intended on marrying me sooner rather than later. I just smiled and listened to him and his family talk. Jane said Nicky looks just like Nick when he was a baby. I couldn't see any resemblance at all. I tried but just didn't see it. I have no doubt in my mind that Nick is the father, especially after the paternity test. Eventually Nick and I were alone with our son. Nick asked why I seemed so sad tonight? I told him I guess it's just that I'm tired. I sat on the couch and nursed Nicky and then Nick made dinner. I took a shower and Nick cleaned up the kitchen. I found them in the nursery. Nick was changing the baby's diaper. He was having this conversation about all the things he was going to teach him and all the places they'd go together. Sometimes I wondered where I fit in this whole picture. I knew Nick loved me and I loved him. Maybe it's the hormones or the baby blues, I don't know. Nick began to sing a lullaby to Nicky and my heart melted. I continued on to my room trying not to be heard. About 10 minutes later Nick returned to our bedroom and told me Nicky was sleeping. I just looked into his beautiful face and smiled. He said, what? I said, I love you. He walked over and hugged me. He said he was so happy. I asked him if it was Nicky or me that made him happy? He said the both of us made him happy. If Nicky weren't here he'd still be happy. We sat down on the bed and he asked me what else was bothering me? I told him I didn't think his family liked me. He was surprised I'd even think that. I said I left and no one came looking for me. He said his mom said that I was probably tired after having the baby and you were probably lying down. I told him it was probably just hormones. I just didn't feel a bond with his family. He said that would be easy to fix. I smiled at him and he kissed me. It was a deep and very passionate kiss. I could tell he was getting excited but he'd have to wait 6 weeks. He showered and changed for bed, he held me in his arms. Nicky woke up every 2 ½ hours wanting to be fed. I was exhausted in the morning. Nick asked me if I wanted to switch to formula? He said that way he could help with the feedings. No, I told him I'd do it. I just wanted to sleep a little while. He smiled and kissed me on the forehead. He took Nicky downstairs with him while I tried to go back to sleep. I kept hearing Nicky cry and I couldn't sleep. I made my way downstairs and Nick was all frazzled. I said give him to me. He handed Nicky to me and I nursed him. Just like his father I joked. Nick sat down next to me and watched as his son sucked eagerly at my breast. The baby's eyes darting all over trying to take everything in. I laid my head on Nick's shoulder as the baby ate and nodded off a few times. The phone rang and it scared the baby. We keep it too quiet in here I said as Nick got up to get the phone. It was his mom. Nick was telling her how tired we both were. The baby's feeding schedule kept us both up all night. Nick because of guilt and me because I'm nursing. She told him I should express some milk that way we could alternate and get more sleep. Once Nick told me that I thought he had the smartest mother on the face of the planet. Now if it would only work. Once Nick got off the phone he went to the local mall and bought a breast pump. He said it was so embarrassing when he came back. He said the woman was asking him about double pumps and pads and everything. So I told her what ever a nursing mom needs ring it up for me. I laughed, how much did you spend? About $270.00. I laughed he said I also bought these little bottles too. She said these were the best, they are most like a mother's nipple. His face would get redder and redder as he talked. He handed me a book and a video on breast-feeding. I asked him how he ever got through it? He said I just gave her my credit card and looked at the clothing. He showed me the outfits he bought too. They were too big for him. I asked him if she showed him how to work this thing? He said no, I laughed I said I didn't mean literally. I thought I would try it and see what happened. I followed the instructions and plugged in the pump. I turned it on and started expressing milk. Woo hoo! I said, once I filled the little bottle I put the nipple on it and handed it to Nick. I told him to try and feed Nicky. Of course Nicky didn't want it at all. I told him we had to keep trying it was a new experience for him that's why he's rejecting it. Within 20 minutes Nick had him drinking from the bottle. Nick was so pleased. We put Nick down for his nap and Nick and I napped ourselves.

Chapter 8

Over the next few months Nicky settled into a routine. I started running again and quit my job. Nick wanted to get married but I just wasn't ready. He wanted his child to have a mother and a father. I said he does Nick. Just because we aren't married doesn't mean he's not our son. He said he just wanted everything legal. Nick is the best father. He takes care of us so well. As Nicky gets older I'm starting to see more and more of Nick's traits. The only thing wrong with this picture was that I didn't love Nick. I like him a lot, but I don't love him. I don't know why, hormones, or whatever. He's a great dad and wonderful lover, but he deserves more than someone like me. I called Annie and told her how I was feeling and she couldn't believe it when I said it. She said my goodness Sarah, you have everything that you want. The house, the child, a man who loves you. Heck, you even have the white picket fence. I said I don't love him. Sarah, are you sure? Maybe you're just tired she said. Caring for an infant is very tiring. I said, it's not the baby. I just don't love him. How do I tell Nick that I don't love him anymore? It devastated me when Danny told me, how could I do that to Nick? Annie was quiet, or do I stay and make the best of it. She said it would be worse if I did. She said but before I did anything, I should make sure. She said she'd come over and watch Nicky and let Nick and I have a weekend together. I said I don't know, I think it's too late for that. She told me to think of Nicky and not myself. I needed to be sure before I hurt my relationship with my baby's father. I said all right, when are you coming over? She said Friday night at 7. I said okay, I'd call Nick. I called Nick he's been working in the studio all week. I asked him if he was free on Friday? He said he was, why? I said because Annie is watching Nicky so that the two of us can spend some quality time together. He said, oh that's the best news I've had all day. He told me he loved me and would be home in a few hours. Once he got home he checked on Nicky and then helped me finish folding clothes. After we both showered he made love to me. Maybe Annie was right, how could I not love him. The rest of the week passed by and Friday was upon us. Nicky was almost 4 months old and this would be the first time both Nick and I were away from him at the same time. I was nervous to say the least. After we did the drill with Annie, we left for dinner. Nick took me to a very romantic restaurant on the water and then we went dancing. We got home around 11:30 and Nicky was asleep and so was Annie. I covered Annie with a blanket and turned the TV off. I found Nick in the bedroom waiting for me. He made love to me again and asked me when I was going to marry him? I said I don't know, soon I said. The next morning Annie asked me what happened the night before? After I filled her in she said well… what are you going to do? I said I don't know. She shook her head and said there are many women who would give their right arm to be in my position. I said I know that, but I can't help how I feel, can I? She said it's just a shame, Nick is a good man. I said, I never said he wasn't. She told me to make up my mind soon, because even if I didn't love Nick, it was very obvious that Nick loved me. She suggested that maybe I talk to a therapist about my feelings. She said maybe it all had to do with Nicky, the baby blues you know. I said I didn't need a shrink, I could work this out by myself. She pointed out to me that I wasn't alone in this decision and so I made an appointment. She'd watch Nicky while I went this afternoon. Nick was back in the studio and I didn't want him to know what I was doing. I headed to the shrink, and I wasn't really happy about it. I sat down and was thankful a little bit that it was a woman. She took my history and then asked me why I was here today. Well, you know what I've been through and the father of my child has asked me to marry him and I'm not sure I want too. Why, she asked? Why? I don't know, I just don't know that I love him anymore. Why don't you love him, she asked me? Why don't I love him I repeated? Well, maybe I do love him I'm just scared I think. What are you afraid of? She asked. Shouldn't you be processing what I'm saying rather than asking me why? She laughed and said she needed more information to help me find out what I really wanted. You mean you're not going to tell me what I should do I asked? No, it's for you to decide what you want, she said. Oh, was all I could manage to say. She asked me to think what my life would be like without Nick in it. Without my son in it, was I happy? No, I wasn't happy at all. She said our time was up but she wanted me to think about that. How would you feel if Nick and your son weren't in your life? We'll talk more about this next week. I thanked her for her time and drove home. Annie asked me how things went? I said I have a lot to think about during the next week. I told her a little about what we talked about and then Nick walked in. I had to admit after talking to the shrink and seeing him walk in the house, I was happy to see him. As I kissed him he noticed a change in my affection toward him. He asked me about my day. I said it was really great, how was yours? Nick said really good. Annie said she had to be going, she had a lot of things to do and the sun was setting. I thanked her for coming over. Nick asked where Nicky was? I said sleeping, why? He said let's go upstairs for a while. I smiled and followed him to our bedroom.

Chapter 9

He was so very gentle with me. It was our first time after Nicky was born. Even though the doctor said 6 weeks was long enough to wait, I'd waited 12 weeks. Nick was very excited and nervous all at the same time. As he made love to me he would repeat my name over and over and tell me he loved me. Why don't I feel this strongly for him, I wondered? Then I felt my eyes start to fill with tears. I blinked them away and waited for Nick to climax. I told him I just couldn't get there yet, but I enjoyed his body anyway. He wiped my eyes and asked if I was crying? I lied and said they were happy tears. Just then Nicky started fussing in his crib. I got up and wrapped in a robe and brought him into bed with us. Nick was really tired he's been putting in a lot of hours in the studio lately. He played with Nicky for a little while. I jumped in the shower and then Nick took a shower. I bathed Nicky and fed him and got him ready for bed. I went upstairs to ask Nick if he was hungry and found him asleep on the bed. I went back downstairs and fixed myself a sandwich and watched some television. Nicky finally got tired enough that he'd sleep so I fed him one last time and put him to bed and then climbed into bed with Nick. I lay facing his beautiful sleeping face careful not to wake him. His hair fell across his forehead and his hands were tucked underneath his pillow. He lay on top of the covers completely nude. I traced the outline of his body with my eyes and wondered why I was I feeling the way I was about a man so special. The next week I found myself back in the shrink's office and she again asked me how I would imagine my life with out Nick and Nicky. I told her I'd be more alone than the way I feel now. She asked me to describe my feelings for my son. I said I love him, he needs me as much as I need him. He's perfect. She asked me to describe my feelings for Nick. I said he makes me feel good. He always asks me about my day and tells me he loves me. She shook her head. She said how do you feel about him? I already know he loves you, how do you feel about Nick? I took a deep breath and said I love him. She said why do you love him? Why? I don't know how to communicate that, I said. I feel my heart flutter whenever he touches me, he makes me smile without even a touch or saying a word. He's a good person, a great father, and an even better lover. She sat there smiling at me and then she said, but… I said but it can't last. She was shocked, why can't it last? I said my relationships never last. My relationship with my parents is strained to say the least. My dad cheated on my mom, my first serious boyfriend dumped me just because. She asked if Nick was anything like my father or my first boyfriend? No, but I'm sure my mother didn't expect it from my dad either. She said it sounds to me like your problem lies with trust and not love. I said what do you mean? She said she has no doubt in her mind that I love Nick. She said it's obvious, whenever you talk about him you light up. You speak faster and at a higher tone than normal conversation. You smile a lot more. I can assure you, you love him. I never noticed any of those things she said. Do I really smile when I talk of him? She said do you need a mirror? I was smiling when I asked her the question and didn't even realize it. She said you have to work on trusting him. Trust him until he gives you a reason not to trust him. She again told me we were out of time and now she wanted me to spend some extra time with Nick this week. Get a sitter and do something with Nick alone. I thanked her again and drove to the studio. I found Nick in the cafeteria and I walked up to him and kissed him. He said what was that for? I said because I love you, I really love you. He smiled and kissed me and said he loved me too. I sat down with him and had lunch. He asked where Nicky was? I said Annie is watching him for me. I wanted to surprise you. He said I did, I said I was thinking… Will you go out with me on Friday night? He looked at me a little strange and said what did I have in mind? I said it's a surprise, will you come? He said he'd follow me all around the world. I kissed him and said I better get back home. Nicky's going to be hungry soon. He put his hands on my breasts and told me he was hungry now. I smiled and kissed him. He walked me out to my car and kissed me again, he said he'd be home early tonight. I smiled and said good bye. By the time I got back home I was leaking all over, Nicky was screaming and Annie was on her last nerve. I apologized for being late. Once Nicky calmed down and got some of my milk in him I told her why I was late. I was crying while I talked to her. I said I love Nick. My therapist told me that she had no doubt. What I needed to do was to learn to trust Nick more. She said she could have told me that and saved me a few hundred dollars. I said I know you've done a lot for me already, but will you watch Nicky again Friday night? She said she couldn't she was going out with AJ. Shoot, she said call Nick's parents. I said I don't feel right doing that. I'll ask Nick to do it for me. She laughed and called me a coward. I thanked her again and she went home to sleep.

Chapter 10

When Nick finally did get home I asked him to have his mom watch Nicky. He said he knew she would. I said just check because I want this Friday to be perfect. He pulled me close and kissed me. He said it didn't have to be perfect. It was just important that we be together. He called her to ease my mind and of course she said yes. She was delighted to even be asked. Nicky was already 4 months old and had yet to spend the day with either of his grand parents. Nick led me upstairs and made love to me. He said he enjoyed my visit this afternoon and hadn't been able to concentrate after I left. Nicky woke up but he was content in his crib. We enjoyed each other for as long as Nicky would allow. I dressed and went after my son who had a great set of lungs by the way. Friday finally came and I brought Nicky over to Bob and Jane's house. I was so nervous and I think they could tell. They both assured me that he would be fine and they didn't want me to hesitate to ask in the future. I smiled and said good bye. I headed to my shrink and told her I had just left my son with Nick's parents and was feeling weird about that. She asked why? I don't know why. Maybe it's that trust issue again. She said your father came back to your mother didn't he? Yes he did, but everyone was miserable when he did. We still are, I only call him when I have too. So what is it about Nick's parents that makes you distrust them? They seem too perfect, I've never seen them argue. They have very focused kids, as compared to my dysfunctional family. They seem to be perfect, I just don't see where I will fit in. She said I have to knock down my walls or I won't fit in. She is sure that if I talked to Nick he would tell me the trouble he and his siblings used to get in to. I'm sure his parents are like every other parent out there. They argue, they just have great communication between them and they love each other and can work through it. That is what you have to learn to do. I asked if there was a pill that I could take to make all this happen? She laughed and said there was no pill, it's a matter of letting down my guard and enjoying what I have. Oh is that all, I asked her? She said it's really not that hard once you start. What does Nick think of you coming here, she asked me? Well, he doesn't know I come here, I said. Sarah, why not? She asked me. I just want to sort out my feelings first. Can you imagine how he'd feel if I said I'm going to a shrink because I don't feel I love him? I almost killed him with the news about Nicky. She said I had to tell him. Once I got a big secret off my shoulders then I'd stop keeping the little ones. She warned me that he may get mad and feel like I've betrayed him, but he'll get over it. I said can I tell him after our date? She laughed and shook her head. She said sit down with him and open up. You don't have to go out anywhere, you just need to sit and talk to each other. Times up she said. Oh great I complained. She said make an appointment for next week and just relax and enjoy what I have. I said good bye, made my appointment and drove home. "Enjoy what I have," I kept hearing that all the way home. "You have what you always wanted," Annie said that. Why can't I accept this? I asked myself. I pulled into the driveway and Nick was already home. I turned off the car and went inside. He was worried, where have you been he asked? Did something happen to Nicky? I asked. Nothing happened, but mom said you left 90 minutes ago and I've been so worried. I put my purse down and said we needed to talk. He said what about? Well it has to do with where I've been and what I've been doing, I said to him. He said okay, I sat down on the couch and said I've been seeing a shrink, I mean a therapist. He said why? I started getting really nervous. I said well, I'm having a problem with trusting my feelings I guess. He said what's that supposed to mean? I said well, I wasn't sure that I loved you and I … What?! Wait a minute he said. You don't know if you love me? He stood up and was looking down at me. I grabbed for his hand but he pulled it away. I said I know now that I do love you Nick, it's just that after Nicky was born I started having all these feelings and insecurities. But you couldn't tell me about them huh? He was so hurt. I couldn't even look him in the eye anymore. Nick I'm still trying to sort things out myself, how could I tell you? He said open my mouth and speak to him. It's not so hard. He was angry now. I said but I was afraid at how you'd react. He said so you just decided to sneak around behind my back and lie to me? No, that wasn't my intention at all. Nick said he needed to think, he grabbed his keys off the table and said, I can't believe this. Haven't I made my feelings perfectly clear to you? I said that's why I went to the therapist. I knew how you felt about me, and I didn't want to hurt you or Nicky. He said well I did and he left. I sobbed on the couch. I hated myself right now. Why do these things keep happening to me? I thought he'd be happy that I tried to work things out on my own. Now that I know that I can't live without him, he's gone. I tried to call Annie but she wasn't home. I called the therapist but she was in a session. I called Nick's parents but they weren't home. I was all alone with no one to stop me. I headed upstairs to the bathroom and found my pain pills. I didn't mean to take them all, but my pain was just so intense. Then I got angry too. I called my father on the phone and thanked him for ruining my life. He said what's wrong? I said nothing you have to worry about, it will all be over soon. He kept calling my name and I hung up. I left a message for Annie, I told her I loved her and I'm sorry to leave her like this. Please take care of Nicky for me. Please tell Nick I love him.

Chapter 11

Meanwhile, Nick went out to dinner with his parents and Nicky. He was very upset over everything and his parents managed to explain that everything Sarah did was in his best interest. If she had come to you and said she didn't love you, you would have been devastated. She had also just had Nicky and her hormones were way off balance so she went to a therapist before making any rash decisions. Why would you be mad at that? Bob asked him. He said it's just that she went behind my back, she wasn't honest with me. I feel betrayed again. Jane was really upset now, she went through hell to bring this boy into the world and from what I can tell there wasn't a happy childhood for her. Don't you see that? She's not a very trusting person, hell I can see that and I don't live with her. Now he was feeling guilty for not picking up on what everyone else all ready knew. He excused himself from the table and called home. He was too late, there was no answer. He returned to the table and said Sarah must be sleeping. They finished their lunch and Nick said he was going home. His mom convinced him to let Nicky stay with her a while longer, go and take Sarah out like you planned. He smiled and said if she'll still have me. I have this problem with running away, so I guess I'm partly to blame too I guess. They left the restaurant together and Nick kissed his son good bye. He got in his car and headed for home.

Annie was in the mall shopping as always. She was out with AJ and they were having a great time. She checked her messages and dropped her bags as she listened to my message. AJ asked her what was wrong. She started crying and saying no, no, no. She said we have to get to Sarah's. She called 911 and told them to bust down the door if they had too, there was a suicide attempt. AJ sped off to my house but the ambulance had beaten them there. Annie ran into the house and up into my room where the paramedics were trying to revive me. They got a faint heart beat and loaded me on the gurney and carried me downstairs. Nick arrived home just in time to see the ambulance pulling away with me inside. Annie pulled the door closed as best she could. Nick said what happened? Annie just slapped him across the face and said if anything happens to Sarah it would be on his conscience. He said Sarah's in the ambulance? Annie said she tried to kill herself. Where are they taking her, he cried? Annie said Orlando General. Nick climbed back into his Durango and drove to the hospital. Annie and AJ followed. Neither of them were allowed to see me. They were not immediate family. My stomach was pumped and they pumped this awful charcoal stuff into my stomach. It was awful. My therapist showed up and apologized for not getting back to me in time. I said I told him and he left. She said she was sorry, but this was not the answer. What about Nicky? What would happen to him without his mother? I just cried, my therapist told me there were a lot of people outside that wanted to see me. Nick included she said. He got home just as the ambulance sped away. I said who found me? She said your friend Annie called the paramedics. I just cried, is she here? She said yes, I said tell her I'm so sorry. My therapist said why don't you tell her yourself? She's very distraught and she's not allowed in without your consent. I'm just not ready yet. A few hours later my dad came bounding in. What the hell have you done he asked? I turned over so I wouldn't have to face him. He said Sarah Ann you look me in the eye when I'm talking to you. I turned over, I was still afraid of my father. He said what is this all about? I said nothing dad, I'm just tired. He said well that's too bad, I'm not leaving. I buzzed for the nurse and she asked if she could help. I said my father is agitating me and I would like him to leave please. She came in and asked my father to leave. He finally did. I wouldn't eat and I wouldn't see anyone. Jane finagled her way into my room the next day with Nicky. She said I know you don't want to see anyone right now but Nicky misses his mommy. I cradled my son in my arms and cried. I'm so sorry Nicky, I'm so sorry, I'll never let you down again. Jane sat on the edge of my bed and asked if there was anything she could do for me? I shook my head no, you brought my son to me, thank you. She said Nick hadn't left, neither had Annie, they are not going to leave until you speak to them. I said I'm just not ready yet. She said there is no reason to be ashamed. I said I am ashamed. I don't want their pity, I don't want their tears. I just want to be left alone to work this out by myself. She said she understood. She got up to leave, I said Jane? She turned and said yes Sarah. I said could you please ask Nick to move his stuff out of my house? She said she wouldn't do that, that was for me to tell Nick. Then she left me alone with my son.

Chapter 12

Having Nicky with me certainly improved my spirits. The nurses all doted over him and brought me diapers for him. Over the next few days I was feeling a lot better and had met with my therapist everyday. I promised her if I ever felt suicidal again, I would call her. I reminded her that I did call her the last time but you were unavailable. She said you need to communicate that to me though. She said the Nick and Annie were still outside waiting for me. I said I'm not ready to face Nick yet, but please send in Annie. Before you go, can I have a piece of paper and a pen? She handed them to me and I said ask Annie to give me ten minutes. I started my letter to Nick. I told him I was sorry for what I've put him through. I had never intended to hurt him and I know I did. I do love you and I won't keep you apart from your son. I just feel that right now I need some time for me, so if you don't mind, I need you to move out of the house so I can finally take the time to learn to love myself. If there is still a chance for us… I don't know. I just want you to know that I will never keep Nicky from you. I folded the paper and wiped the tears from my eyes. Annie came in and asked if it was time. I just held out my arms and she fell onto my chest. Oh Sarah, don't ever do this to me again. I love you and I couldn't live without you. We were both crying and she said why Sarah? Why would you do this? I said Nick left, I tried to tell him that I was doing it to make sure of my feelings, but he left anyway. Nicky was with his parents and I was alone. I tried to call you, I cried. No one was home, I was all alone and felt that no one cared. She assured me that she cared for me. She loved me and it was killing her to be apart from me these last three days. If she had to live the rest of her life away from me she'd crack. She said Nick is not good himself. I said that reminds me. Can you give him this letter when you leave? She looked at me and said why don't you talk to him? I tried Annie, but I just can't be rejected again. She said could I read it? I said go ahead. Her tears were streaming down her face, she said this will kill him. I said I'm sorry I don't mean to sound like a bitch but I need some time. I tried to be honest with him and he ran, this time I'm doing the running. She said she would give it to him. I told her I was tired and wanted to sleep now. She said Sarah I've waited three days can't I have more time? I said you can come back whenever you want, I really am tired now. She kissed my forehead and said she would go home and shower and she would be back. I closed my eyes and told her I loved her. A few minutes later I heard Nick scream. Sarah, no, Sarah! I hopped out of bed and walked into the corridor. Nick ran to me when he saw me. Sarah please, I'm sorry don't leave me please! I said I'm not leaving, I just need a rest. He was so upset that it hurt to even look at him. He said when they said you might die, I prayed Sarah. I prayed that God would give me one more chance to prove to you how much I love you, how much I need you in my life. Nick I know all that, like you said you've always made your feelings for me crystal clear. It's me I need the time right now. Nick I love you, I don't want to live without you, that's why I did this. It's not your fault, it's my fault. Just please give me the time I need to get myself together. He said he couldn't live without me either. I know Nick, I know. He stood up and tried to compose himself. He said he'd be out before I got home. He kissed me and turned and walked away. He got to the door and I called out to him. He turned and I said would you come back and visit me later? He tried to smile through his pain and he nodded. He pushed open the doors and disappeared. Annie helped me back into my bed. I said please call Jane and ask her to come get Nicky. She did and Jane showed up an hour later. I apologized for everything, I said I just need to sort things out. I hurt so badly inside and I know I've inflicted this pain on others. I'm so sorry. She wrapped her arms around me and told me to take as long as I needed. The whole family was here to help however they could. She told me she loved me. I pulled away and said how can you love me after this? She said she loved me before this and she'll continue to love me. I dropped my head in my hands and cried again. She pulled me to her and hugged me again. Nick knocked on the door and Jane stood up and hugged her son. Nick sat on the bed and I hugged him. Jane said she'd check on us later. We didn't even respond to her. I told him I was so sorry. He just rubbed my back. He said he was all moved out. That just made me cry more. He let me go and looked into my eyes. He said is this what you really want? I shook my head, I don't want any of this, it just has to be right now. He asked how long I think I would need? Nick I don't know, I just know that I have a problem. I'm working on it and I don't want to inflict any more pain on you. He said he could live with it. All that mattered was that I get better and we stay together he said. Nick I never meant for any of this… He stopped me with his kisses he said he needed me. I love you Sarah, please don't make me wait too long. Annie came back an hour later and Nick and I were asleep in my hospital bed. She sat in a chair and read a magazine. Nick tried to get more comfortable and almost fell out of bed. I woke up and found Nick flailing beside me and it made me laugh. My doctor walked in at that time and she said it sounds like I'm ready to go home.

Chapter 13

Nick finally got his balance and I noticed Annie sitting in the chair. She was crying, I asked her what was wrong? She said you don't know how long it's been since I've heard you laugh like that. I reached out my hand and she held on to it for me. My doctor said I could leave any time I wanted she had officially released me. She made me promise if I ever felt overwhelmed or felt I would hurt myself to call her. I promised and then Annie handed me my clothes. I didn't move I was terrified of leaving. Nick said it would be all right. I made my way out of my bed and got dressed. I brushed out my hair and gathered the rest of my belongings. Annie asked if I wanted to ride with her or Nick? I looked at Nick and said I'll ride with Nick, if that's all right with you Nick? He smiled and said he'd like that very much. Annie said she'd call me, I walked out with Nick and he helped me into his Durango. Once he got in the driver's seat he just broke down. What's wrong I asked him? He said he's just so glad that he's taking me home. He doesn't know what he would have done had I succeeded. I held his hand and he leaned over and kissed me. He drove me home and came in and asked me if I wanted him to leave? I said I want you to stay with me. He helped me start the laundry and then I went upstairs. He followed me into the bedroom. I said your stuff is still here. He said he couldn't go into the bedroom. I looked at my bed, there were medical wrappers all over the bed and floor. I could see little drops of blood on the sheet. I just got so angry I lifted the mattress off the bed and pushed it over it took a lamp with it. The lamp shattered into many pieces. Nick said what Sarah? I said how could I be so stupid Nick? How could I have done this? He held on to me and just rubbed my back. That always calmed me, Nick I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose you over this. He said I wouldn't lose him, but he couldn't go through this again. I asked him, I practically begged him to make love to me. I reached for the button on his 501's and pulled off his shirt popping a few of the buttons right off. He pulled my clothes off also, I need you Nick, I need you more than the air I breathe. He made love to me, we were wild and clawing and scratching at each other, I couldn't get enough of him. We collapsed in each other's arms and I asked him to never leave me. He said he never would. I fell asleep beside him and when I woke up he was gone. I panicked and went looking for him. I called him mom's house and she asked me what was wrong? I said I can't find Nick. She said he's here with Nicky. I didn't want to be apart from him my heart was breaking. Jane asked if I was all right? I said, "What have I done?" My life is a mess, I'm pushing Nick away, I haven't been taking care of my baby or myself. Jane… I'm so scared. I hung up the phone and sobbed on the floor. A few minutes later the phone rang again. I picked it up and held it to my ear. I couldn't speak though, Nick asked if I was all right. I finally managed to say no. He asked if I wanted him to come back? I said yes. He said he's on his way and that he loved me, he wanted me know he loved me. Once Nick arrived I said to him I never want to wake up without you beside me again. Jane had followed him over in her car. She brought Nicky back home. She came inside and hugged me so tight I thought I'd snap in half. She said someone here missed you. I took my son in my arms and he smiled at me. I cried, he's smiling I said. Nick said he loves you almost as much as I do. I sat down and nursed my child. At first he rejected me, but then he took my milk and fell asleep. Jane said she'd see us both tomorrow. She gave me another hug and then she left. Nick walked her out to the car and he came back and picked up his keys. I said where are you going? He said it's late and I must be tired. I said don't leave, I want you to move back in. He just smiled and asked if I was sure? I said I meant it when I said I don't want to ever wake up again without you beside me. He took a sleeping Nicky from me and put him in his crib. He came back a few minutes later and I said will you move back in? He said he never moved out. He took a few things but the truth is, he wasn't going to give up on me. He said he'd move back in on one condition. I said Nick you don't have to worry about me hurting myself ever again. He said that's not what he meant. What then I asked him? He said marry me Sarah. I don't want to wake up without you beside me either. I said are you sure you want to marry me? He said as sure as the sun sets in the west, he wants me more than I'll ever comprehend. I told him I was about to accept his proposal so if he's unsure I'll give him another chance to change his mind. He dropped his chin in his hand and acted like he was thinking really hard and then he smiled. He said I would like nothing more than to marry the woman of my dreams. He kissed me and I said yes Nick, I'll marry you. We went up to bed and when I woke the next morning, Nick was asleep beside me. I curled up on his chest and kissed his sweet face. I felt him stretch and he opened his eyes. He said I was having the most wonderful dream. I said what was it about? He said that I was lying beside him.

Chapter 14

We settled into a new routine, Nick took some time off and I continued to go to my therapist and I learned to open up more to Nick and everyone around me. Nicky was growing like a weed. We took him in for his shots and he barely cried. He pouted a little but didn't cry much. He's a brave boy. Nick and I are closer than we've ever been and that's saying a lot. We were pretty close before but since I've learned to relax I'm enjoying him more. We've decided to get married on Nicky's first birthday. May 1st, we had two months to plan. Jane and her daughters helped me find a dress and we eventually settled all the other details. I was sick again and we had two weeks until the wedding. I couldn't shake this flu. Annie said I had better go to the doctor. I said why, people get the flu all the time there isn't anything you can do about it. Annie said remember the last time you had the flu for this long? I smiled and said do you think? She said she'd be right over. She pulled into my driveway 40 minutes later. I asked her what took her so long? She said I stopped for this, she pulled out a home pregnancy kit. She said let's do it now. I said oh my god, what if it's positive? She said that would explain the flu. We both laughed as I went into the bathroom and started the test. I was so nervous and Nick came home. I looked at him and started crying. He asked what was wrong? Annie said that I might be pregnant again and we're doing the test right now. Nick looked at me and said are they happy tears? I nodded my head. He said how much time do we have? Just then the timer went off. I told Annie I couldn't look. She walked over to where the test was and started crying. I said what? Nick walked over and said I don't know what this means. Annie said it's negative. I asked if she was sure? She said we could do it again. I cried and shook my head no. Nick said it just might be too soon. Can't they do a blood test? Annie said they could. I said please... don't… I wanted to be pregnant and I'm not so please. Nick sat down with me and told me it would be all right. There would be plenty of time for more kids. I could see his disappointment too. Annie started picking up the kit and a little packet fell out. She said Sarah, did you read the directions? I said what directions? She said I suppose you didn't add these crystal things then. I looked at her and then at Nick. She said let's do it again. I said but I don't have to pee. Nick said make her some coffee, that always makes her pee. After 2 cups of coffee I was peeing like a racehorse. This time the results were positive. Nick was so happy and so was I. Nicky would have a little brother or sister. This is great! We called Nick's parents and they were thrilled for us. I hadn't spoken to my dad since I kicked him out of my hospital room. So I wrote him a letter. I told him I forgave him for everything he had ever done to me. Whether you want to hear it or not, I forgive you. I would like you back in my life and more importantly in the lives of my children. Yes, my children. I'm pregnant again and due at Christmas time. Dad, I want to mend our relationship. I hope you want that too. A week later the biggest bouquet of flowers came for me. Nick said I had a secret admirer. I said gee I wonder who it could be? I expected the flowers to be from Nick. I opened the card and read my father's inscription. Your letter meant so much to me, words can not describe how it made me feel. I'm glad that you forgive me. I would love to be in your life again. I know I have a lot to make up for, I'd really like to try by being a grandfather to your children. He said he's always loved me and it has always hurt him that we've been estranged for so long. He asked me to call him when I received the flowers. He signed it Daddy. I handed Nick the card and with tears in my eyes dialed my father's number. I sat down next to Nick really afraid of what my dad might say. He answered on the third ring. I said Daddy? It's me, Sarah. He cried into the phone. I held the phone up to Nick's ear so he could hear. I said dad? I'm getting married next month, will you walk me down the aisle? He was sniffling into the phone and he said he'd be honored. Nicky was walking by his first birthday. The day was beautiful the sun was shining the birds were singing. My parents were coming. Whenever I thought of them coming I would always here the sound of a record being scratched. It was like everything else had harmony, but when I thought of them things just didn't mesh. Once my parents did arrive I could see a difference in my dad. He had the sparkle back in his eyes and mom was happier. Later on she told me about her conversation with dad. She said once I let dad back into my life that he let her back into his. Regardless of what happened in the past, she loved my father. We went through the wedding rehearsal and dad took everyone out to dinner. I had Annie and Jane as my matron of honor and Nick's sisters as my bridesmaids. Jane and I have become so close over the past few months. She was always there for me and mom let her know how much she appreciated it. Nicky stood up for Nick it was the cutest thing in the world. When Nick and I were finally pronounced man and wife Nick kissed me and Nicky pulled on my dress. I bent down to my son and he said Happy Birthday and he kissed me. No one had a dry eye in the house. The three of us headed up the aisle, a family at last.

Chapter 15

Things just seemed to be going along just fine. Nicky was walking and with his newfound freedom had me running all over the place. My father was back in my life and I loved my husband. Jane spent a lot of time at our house we have become very close since my suicide attempt. She talks to me all the time, I know she cares for me and I know she loves me. It wasn't easy to accept or understand at first, but I have learned to stop analyzing everything and just live my life. Nick and I have very open and honest communication now. I can tell him anything, even when I make him angry he's kept his promise to never leave me. He may leave the room, but he doesn't leave the house. We've made a few rules and we've kept a few and tossed a few. The few we've kept include being honest with each other, no secrets, never go to bed angry, no running away, and never go a day without telling the other you love them. It works for us. When we argue, and believe me we argue, one of us will say, "I love you" usually the argument is over after that. Our daughter was born on December 14, at 1:50 a.m. She weighed in at almost 10lbs. She looked just like Nick. There was certainly no doubt in anyone's mind whose child she was. Nick said what are we going to name her? I said I'd love to name her after your mother. He looked at me a little surprised. Why he asked? I said she has really helped me a lot in the past year. She's been there for me more than anyone, next to you. He said Jane Carter, I like it. I laughed and asked if he could get used to it? He said we'd name her Jane. As if on queue, Nick's mom walked in the door asking to see her granddaughter. Nick said Jane, meet Jane. His mom looked at us and we said we've named her after you. Of course she started crying and told us we didn't have to do that. I said if it wasn't for your love and patience, I would have gone crazy this past year. I heard Nicky in the hallway yelling Mama! Mama! Nick walked out to get him and his dad, and Nicky gave me a hug and kept saying, baby? Pretty? Baby? He was adorable and just then it hit me. I was happy, I was so truly happy I almost couldn't stand it. God had given me a second chance to enjoy my life and those around me and I'll be damned if I'll ever mess this up again. After everything quieted down and everyone went home, Nick and I lay on the hospital bed and we were very still and quiet. I felt Nick's tears wetting my hospital gown. What is it honey? I asked him. He said he was just thinking about the last time we were both here. I said please don't be sad. He sat up and said do you realize that none of this would be happening right now if I hadn't… He couldn't speak. I reminded him that it was my fault and not his. Besides, we are here and we have a daughter and a son. We are all healthy and happy and so in love. He smiled and wiped his tears. I said Nick, I do love you with everything that I am. I hope you know that, I could never love anyone the way I love you. His tears began to fall again. He kissed my lips and I pulled him closer to me. He said I love you Sarah Ann Carter. The next afternoon we took our daughter home and settled into our routine. Nick was a doting father and husband and I was finally content with all around me. The most important realization I made was that I had to love myself first. No one would love me unless I loved myself first. My entire family has noticed a change in me. Jane Elizabeth, our daughter has brought so much more joy into our family. Nick is happier than he's ever been his mom tells me. She said it's all becomes of me. What have I done? I asked her. She said you loved him, you gave him your love and these beautiful children. I've never seen him this happy, so the next time you say, "What have I done?" Look around, Jane said. I smiled and said thanks mom, I really needed that today. She hugged me and then Nick sat down next to me and watched as I nursed our daughter. He asked if I wanted more children? I said what do you want? He said he wants what I want. I said I'm happy with two children but if you want more we'll have more. He kissed me and I said we had to wait at least six weeks. He laughed and kissed me again. Later that night I put Jane Elizabeth to bed and tucked in Nicky and kissed him good night. I love you son. He turned over and began to suck his thumb. I rubbed his back for a few minutes until I knew he was asleep. I felt my tears and just let it all go. Nick found me sobbing out in our back yard. He said what's wrong? I couldn't breathe or talk. I just held him and cried. After a few minutes I was able to compose myself and Nick again asked what was wrong? I said I was putting Nicky to bed and thinking about before when, you know… anyway I couldn't imagine not being with him and then I thought of you and Jane, Nick I'm so sorry, I cried again. He said this is the closure we've been waiting for. Dr. Davis said, once you mourned it would mean that you are getting better. I said Nick I'm so tired. He said let's go to bed. Over the next few years we added 2 more children and then we were told that it wouldn't be a good idea to conceive anymore children. So Nick went in for his procedure, and we live together with our 4 children. I asked Nick just last night, "Are you happy, would you change anything about your life?" He said not a thing, well maybe just one thing. I said what would that be? He said he wished we'd met sooner. I love you Nick Carter, I love you too Sarah Ann Carter.