Diagnostic Features.
The essential feature of Microsoft Shared Delusional Disorder (MSDD) is an
unquestioning belief that Microsoft knows what is best for you. These symptoms must
persist for at least one upgrade cycle, or at least persist after experiencing 3
system crashes per day for three consecutive days. A diagnosis of MSDD is
not given to an individual who would prefer to use OS/2 or a Mac, but
who is being forced to experience the same misery as his deluded work collegues.
Visual hallucinations, if present, are transient, and are usually confined to the
Windows 95 tutorial, or to glimpses of "where do you want to go to today?"
advertisements.
Auditory hallucinations can be more persistent, and can be as frightening
as Microsoft promotional music,
or as intrusively inane as Microsoft Sound Schemes. Auditory and visual hallucinations
are usually mood congruent and consistent with the core delusional themes of "Bill Gates knows what I want so that I don't have to think
for myself", and "mediocrity is everything and all I deserve".
The delusions are not due to the direct physiologic effects of a substance
such as Jolt Cola, although that is believed to make life a little more bearable.
Although the distinction of whether this delusion is considered to
be bizarre is helpful in confirming the diagnosis, it is not essential. Furthermore
it can really only be made by non-Microsoft users, who almost universally agree that
this delusional them IS bizarre.
Subtypes
Erotomanic Type This subtype applies when the person
in question is in love with their Windows operating system. This love is usually
idealised, and they are unable to recognise the problems with a barely customisable
GUI, frequent crashes, inability to multitask 16 bit Windows programmes, or other
real life situations. This subtype is rarely sexual. Efforts to come into contact
with the object of desire often involves such intrusively pointless and anti-social
behaviour as buying every MS Orifice upgrade, or even attempts to contact by phone
such as a MSN subscription.
Grandiose Type This subtype applies when the central
theme of the delusion is that Micro$oft products are the best products that money
can buy. Direct evidence to the contrary such as OS/2 Warp
4 are ignored. Less commonly, the individual may have the delusion of having
a special relationship with someone important, for instance they have received an
email from (someone purporting to be) Bill Gates , and
they believe that he is important. Grandise delusions may have a religious content
(ie they believe that the email WAS from Bill Gates personally).
Jealous Type This subtype applies when the central theme
of the delusion is disrupted by a secret desire to be unfaithful. Furtive appreciative
glances at a computer running Warp 4 or even MacOS are supressed despite overwhelming
evidence to support their doubts about Micro$oft products. The individual with the
delusion usually confronts the object of envy, and loudly decries them with phrases
such as "40 million sufferers can't be wrong", or "my Windows came
with some free beads and mirrors, it must be just what I need".
Persecutory Type. This is the commonest type. The Windows
user believes that he or she is being conspired against with an illogical and inconsistent
interface that they can't change to reflect the way that they work, and frequent
crashes and GPFs. Perhaps the commonest theme is that of the 'Wintel conspiracy',
that Microsoft and Intel are conspiring to ensure that everyone needs to buy a new
computer every 2 years just to run their latest bloatware.
Somatic Type This type is almost universal as Windows
user still struggle with their keyboards. Non-sufferers have usually made the decision
to use Voice Type that comes standard with Warp 4 and hardly ever use their keyboards
or mice.
Associated Features of the Disorder. Social or marital
problems can result from hours of frustration spent in front of the computer. Financial
problems are invariable, with hours of reduced productivity at work, and an enormous
financial drain inflicted by an endless cycle of pointless upgrades of MS Orifice,
Windows Plus and countless games. This will be compounded in 1999 when Micro$oft
drops Windows97 in favour of NT which won't run a lot of DOS games and has even larger
system requirements.
Specific Culture and Gender Features. This disorder is
prevelant across Western civilisation, although less prevelant in Germany, where
more people have discovered OS/2. Mercifully it is almost absent in the banking sector,
for if the world's ATMs ran on Windows instaed of OS/2, we would have a rapid financial
collapse.
Prevelance. Much too common.
Course. It's up to you. There is an alternative
therapy with a wonderful cure rate.
mail me if you need help with this affliction
