February 3rd
February 4th
February 5th
February 6th
February 7th
February 8th
February 9th
Tonight was a pretty uneventful night at work. It was slow because of the weather, although most of the snow downtown has melted. I will be glad when I get to work the floor rather than the desk, no waitressing no tips. Mom was in bed when I got home but she was still awake. Crystal had told me mom was very confused tonight, not knowing where she was, how Crystal was or why she was here, she kept looking for her mom to come get her. I went to see her and she was the same, only wondering when the nurse would give her a sleeping pill, would I bring it to her, asking where Grandma was etc. I think not having seen me before I left work, then not seeing me all night threw her for a loop, next time I work I will make sure she is up before I leave and knows what is going on, see if that helps.
February 12th
February 14th
February 16th
February 17th
February 19th
February 23rd
February 24th
I sit here with mom, she finally got up 10 minutes after I left for the hospital, wondering what in the hell I am going to do now. I will not give up and succumb to this, I will fight my ass off but, what about mom. How can I fight for my life and care for her life? How can I face loosing her now when I need her so much? When can I cry for myself and face my own reality and mortality? How hard this is to accept.
I wonder, inside my head, what in the world I did to deserve so much sorrow in my life. Now, when after 4 years of constantly providing for my mom I have been able to let go of some of my care giving role, found a job and had hopes and dreams for a future for myself. Yes, a little self-pity here but by God I am entitled to it. Life really sucks sometimes. I know God has a master plan and all of this is for a reason but I sure wish HE would get a second opinion on some things.
Thanks for listening, for being there.
Well, I got a call back at 10:00 this morning from the ER doctor with the report from the radiologist confirming his suspicions, he had already scheduled me for a CTScan at noon today and made an appointment with an oncologist for Monday at 3:00 p.m. He did stress that although he felt it was a cancerous tumor that can only be confirmed by biopsy which the doctor Monday will schedule. They put me on three prescriptions and told me not to worry too much and to take it easy. After I hung up from the doctor a Social Services person called to give me their number and let me know they were here for me to help me through this but don’t worry. Yeah right Don’t worry my butt….
February 25th
February 26th
I saw the doctor today, it wasn’t good news. Without doing a biopsy yet he feels I have a lymphoma and I should pray that is what I have, he says it is the lesser of two evils compared to lung cancer. I will have a 90-95% rate of recovery over it versus a 20-40% chance with lung cancer. I will need chemo and radiation therapy. There are complications in having a biopsy done too. There is a space between the trachea and the lungs called the mediastinum which is where the superior vena cava is located, this entire space is involved as well as a tumor that is attached to the branch of my trachea. The superior vena cava is being pushed on causing the diameter of it to be the size of a pencil and is itself engulfed in the mass. Two surgeons have already refused to do a biopsy because of the possibility of rupturing the superior vena cava and or crushing my trachea so, I am in a wait and see mode until Monday. I go to the chemotherapist Monday at 3:00, he will order all the blood work and try to schedule the biopsy with one other doctor. If a biopsy can not be done them radiation therapy will be started in an effort to reduce the size of the tumor so one can be done, however, this will complicate determining the exact type of cancer present because it will change it’s characteristics. SO…I am unable to lay down any more, sleeping in the recliner or with extra pillows are doctor’s orders, he said I risk crushing the trachea otherwise. I have been taking it easy, not exerting myself too much because I truly can’t, I get out of breathe too easily and me, full of hot air in the first place. LOL
February 27th
Well I am still among the living. I still don’t know what it is that has me feeling so bad, I think I have a sort of pleurisy in my back by shoulder that is causing all the pain, as for my chest, it is so congested and heavy feeling but I can’t cough because it hurts too much. Mom is doing well, she has been pretty nasty the last couple days however. Yesterday she intentionally fell backwards into her chair, right in front of all of us. I called her on it and she if I wasn’t careful she would do it again, I asked her like she did when she broke her hip and collar bone and she yes., I think this answers my questions. I got a job today. I am going back to the restaurant that I used to work at before taking in mom. I will be cocktailing, waitressing and hostessing again. Sounds like I may be getting a lot of hours at first, a lot of people are out sick and others want to take vacations now so. It will be good working with old friends again. Mom isn’t too happy about the whole thing but.
I got my partial schedule today, I start work Monday afternoon. I will mostly work in the restaurant to begin with, which is fine with me but I will float around as needed. It seemed so god to see so many old friends today. When they found out I was coming back they of course had questions about mom, which I told the truth about, then they all said they were happy to have me back because they got tired of pitching crap that the same ones every day. Mom of course is not happy about this new arrangement but she will have to get used to it. Crystal and Robert are both great with her and I know I won’t have to worry about her care at all. I am curious to see how it is going to go with me working mainly nights and mom wanting to stay up until I get home. I can’t wait for Monday to get here.
I’m gonna have babies. SMILE. A guy that lived in the apartments that Robert just moved out of gave me four cichlids (fish) and one of them just laid eggs and lots of them. I don’t expect them all to hatch but even a third will be too many. Mom really likes to watch the tank now. I moved it so the reflection of the t.v. wasn’t on it and now with the big fish she can see them better. The male is over 3 inches long and the others are about 2+. Mom is getting excited at times about me going back to work. She remembers that I used to work there and that she used to come into the lounge sometimes. She asked if she can come down sometimes if she doesn’t drink. Robert and Crystal plan to bring her in for dinner at some point, once I get settled into a routine there. It might ease the transition for mom knowing she can come there and see me working. I am actually worried about my dogs. They have been my best friends for so long, just them and me. I have been with them all day, every day of their lives, needing each other and caring for each other, we all are going to suffer separation anxiety. Sounds dumb but it is true. I love them so much and they do me, they are my shadows and Robert and Crystal don’t have nearly as much patience as I do when it comes to dealing with very spoiled dogs. Reno actually gets sick when I am gone for more than an hour or so. I imagine we will all live and they will forget about being alone once they get their Chinese food treats. LOL
I sure feel a lot better today than I have, I guess it was just a bad cold coming on. Mom is doing fine, I have cut back her pain medication to just two pills at bedtime and she hasn’t asked for any more than that. She has developed this compulsion to rub her hands and arms in an attempt to get rid of the dark colors on her skin, these colors are her veins but she doesn’t realize it. She still thinks she is in a hospital of some sorts and wonders when she can go home most of the time, when I tell her she is home she says Oh yeah, that’s right. She still seems to be doing O.K. with me going back to work, I’ll wait to see how she does when I am not here.
I have given ‘Mom Duties’ to Crystal tonight, this way I can take a bath and even shave without worrying about mom needing me, I can get my clothes washed up and ironed for work tomorrow and just plain old relax for a night. Gosh, what a feeling. I would rarely shower let alone take a bath unless there was someone else in the house just in case mom needed something, I can’t count the times in the beginning that I would have to jump out the shower dripping wet, hair all soaped up because mom had knocked or hollered for me only to find that she was wanting more coffee or the channel changed. After several times of this I decided that sponge baths would have to do when I was alone with her. I never realized how much I missed just sitting in the tub pretending that Calgon really worked. It’s like when you have kids, you no more than get in but what the insistent MOM calls start and the door becomes a swinging one. I may even get to bed early tonight, it would be nice to see what my face looks like after a good nights sleep, maybe the dark circles would be gone or at least lighter. Funny the little things that come to mind. I am excited about work but worried too, I have to give up the care of my mom to someone else. Although I know Crystal and Robert will do great there is still that apprehension, the changing of hats once again.
My first day at work went great. I even worked over time. It all came back to me so fast and all the ‘regulars’ were happy to see me again, it felt like old homecoming day. Mom did good today also, she got up at 3:00 p.m., in a good mood and stayed in one all night. She didn’t give anyone any troubles. She was full of questions when I got home and asked if I would put her to bed if I wasn’t too tired. I just got her tucked in, 12:55 a.m. and am on my way too. It feels good to come home tired.
Well, we got more snow again tonight, it is suppose to melt away by tomorrow afternoon though, I hope. It seemed good to be home today, I got some laundry and housework done. Last night after I had been home awhile I started looking around and thought ‘What a mess’. I know it was just me being me because I had already cleaned up before I left for work, guess I can’t let go of responsibility too easily. I work tomorrow night again, I told mom I would bring home some Chinese food for her to have before bed, this made her smile. She is doing well with knowing I’m not going to be around all the time now. We had a pleasant evening tonight also. She got up, had dinner, watched some t.v. with me and also the snow falling.
We had a good time last night. Robert, Crystal, their friend Tommy and I played spades until 4:00 a.m. Mom sat and watched us, urging me on to beat their butts. She was laughing and carrying on right with us. She didn’t get up until 8:20 p.m. so I wasn’t in a hurry to get her to bed. I did get her up at 3:00 this afternoon however, so she could sleep tonight, I really think she is already ready for bed but it’s too early yet. She has been in a good mood all day, and pretty much coherent of her surroundings and stuff. I work tomorrow night in the lounge from 7:00 to 2:30 a.m. so I will make sure she is up, had dinner and settled in before I go, maybe then she won't be so confused.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ALL
Last night was a very disappointing night for me. I worked in the lounge for 3 hours, just 3 hours. It was so slow I couldn’t believe it, I made $7.00 in tips, which is better than none but. Today was a very boring day. Mom never did get out of bed. She isn’t feeling well, she didn’t get up yesterday either and has been running a slight fever. I think she has the bug that has been going around for several weeks now. She is still eating pretty well and taking plenty of fluids though. I hope she is feeling well enough to get up tomorrow, it is my birthday and I would really like her to be a part of it with me if possible. I guess I am having folks up for cake and ice cream although I am not suppose to know it, my other D-I-L mentioned it by mistake today. I’m glad I know at least I can get this house cleaned up first. SMILE. My cichlids did lay eggs but they ate them all so no babies there but, my guppy had 16 babies today.
Oh did I have a wonderful birthday or what. Robert and Crystal managed to have a surprise party for me, my very first one. The day started out with me being told, not asked to sit down and stay there. They both spent the day cleaning the entire house, mopping floors, even muddy paw printed ones, doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, everything. They lit candles and made the house smell so good. Crystal got mom up, dressed and up to the dining room table. She asked what all the to do was about, Robert told her it was my birthday and for a bit she remembered it. She gave me big hugs and kisses and said she was happy to be around for it. As time went though she began to think it was her b’day, or perhaps Grandma’s but couldn’t figure why we had a party in February for Grandma when her b’day is in April, it went this way most of the night. After dinner, which they also got, Robert, Tommy and I went to play pool for a few hours (I found out later this was to get me out the house) When we got home the house was decorated, a birthday cake was on the table, it was so pretty, and ice cream. David, Melody and the girls were here as were Joyce and Danny. They stayed for a few hours and we laughed, talked and just had fun. After they left I got mom to bed then the four of us, Robert, Crystal, Tommy and I stayed up all night playing our ongoing spades tourney. It felt good, this 45 year old can still keep up with the youngin’s. SMILE. I want to thank all my ‘net friends’ for all the cards and notes both emailed and snail mailed, they were all beautiful.
Work tonight went well. I was very busy which I really enjoy more than just standing around. I worked by myself and don’t think I screwed up too badly, at least I hope not, guess I will find out tomorrow, if I hear what sound like sirens going I’ll know it is the owner. SMILE. Mom was pretty out there when I got home. She was glad I could find her because she had forgotten how to get home and was ready to leave. I told her we were going to spend the night here because I was too tired to drive and she was fine with this, in fact she went right to bed. She is really getting more and more confused now days and the duration is lasting longer than any time before. She gets her B12 shot tomorrow but I don’t expect any improvement this time. I think whatever form of dementia she has is going to stay and progress to the point I don’t want to see.
After a very long day mom is finally in bed. She kept me up all night last night again, didn’t go back to bed until after 4:00 this morning. I laid down for a few hours then but got up early enough to make sure I would sleep tonight. I made mom get up at 5:00 this evening for dinner, she sure didn’t want to though but she did. I kept her awake all night although she tried to doze and got mad at me when I woke her. She finally went to bed at midnight, fighting about going even though she was pooped. She did the same thing Wednesday night, waking up during the night and not going back to sleep. I really hope she sleeps tonight, I work tomorrow until 2:30 a.m. and really need to sleep. She has been in such a bad mood, but only with me and only when I am around. Robert and Crystal couldn’t believe the change in her attitude as soon as I walked in Wednesday night, she got very mean and rude with me when she woke back up.
The past few days have been pretty bad for me. I have been pretty sick with this darn cough, mom has been Sundowning a lot and Crystal has put in her application elsewhere. I worked Saturday night, for the full shift and did pretty good with tips too, I was sore when I got home but it felt good, I also got my schedule for the next few weeks. I am too work 36 hours the first week of March and 42 the following week but now I don’t know what I am going to do. Crystal decided that she needed to get a real job so they could pay their bills and Robert is to have surgery sometime during March on his shoulder, he will find out on the 2nd when for sure, so this leaves me with no one to care for mom, a commitment to my job that I really can’t back down on since the lady I am relieving is having surgery which is why she is off and a hell of a lot more stress, which I really didn’t need. I have a friend asking her friends if they would be interested in watching mom for me for a short time, hopefully one will say yes and soon. I only get paid $5.70 per hour plus tips so my check will be gone to pay someone and my tips will, well they will help I guess.
It is 2:05 in the morning, I have no one to call, no one to talk to, no shoulders to cry on, so here I am reaching to the many friends I have here. I am so lost, scared, all those words that encompass total devastation. As I said earlier, I have had a terrible cough for months now but it has been very bad the past few days. I couldn’t lay down because I could feel my lung closing and couldn’t breath, I was unable to stop coughing and began having bronchial spasms, my son and d-i-l convinced me to go to the ER, I just got back. They took x-rays and it appears that I have a tumor in my right lung in exactly the place that I have been saying hurts so bad and applied pressure on that area makes breathing impossible. The doctor was very stern in telling me to get to a referral doctor as soon as possible, he gave me prescriptions for three medications along with what they gave me at the ER. The radiologist is going to view the film later this morning and they will call me with his reading.
I just got off the phone with Monica, David’s sister-in-law, she works with another doctor, a very highly esteemed radiologist in the community. He looked at my x-rays and CTScan and advised me not wait another day. It appears that the tumor is very large and attached to my trachea which is why I have face and hand swelling and trouble swallowing now. He feels it is either a lung cancer or a lymphoma which must be addressed immediately. I am seeing him tomorrow. I will post again as soon as I can or I will ask Robert or Crystal too.
It is 3:10 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I did get a good rest last night though, mom slept through the night, the cough medication made me sleepy combined with the days of no sleep and I just fell out. Crystal got mom up this afternoon, dressed and out to the living room for the night. She had lunch and dinner and we watched some t.v. together, I got her back to bed after the news at 11:30. She is doing pretty good, not much pain from her breaks now days either, her confusion is still ever present. She knows something is going on around here though and she is worried about me because of these dark circles getting darker. She says I look like I don’t feel good and should take better care of myself. I tell her I do indeed have a bad cold and am tired but otherwise fine. I won’t be telling her anything about what is happening with me, it would only cause her great distress and she wouldn’t remember why anyway. Crystal has more or less taken over the care of mom for now, it has been a great relief to me, she is going to continue to care for mom too rather than taking another job too. My oldest boy David is going to pick me and Robert up tomorrow and take us to my appointment. He is so strong yet so sensitive, both my boys are. We have been through a hell of a lot together and now this. They will be my rocks. I did get some good news today from the social worker, they feel I may qualify for funds through the American Cancer Society to help pay for my medical bills and perhaps my prescriptions too. What a relief, I have been so worried about this that I have gotten sick to my stomach. I don't have health insurance, I am one of the many who falls through the crack, either I have too much or too little to qualify for the health programs out there, guess I will have to sell the house, then what. Where will we live?
Today has been a very restful day for me. I get so tired now days that that is about all I can do. I haven’t slept well for weeks but now especially since I have to sleep upright, bummer. Mom is doing pretty well, still thinking she is somewhere else most of the time. She got up early today and went to bed at 10:30 tonight, her sundowning seems to under control for now. Robert and Crystal have been great, they are taking total care of her now, it sure helps me immensely, knowing that I don’t have to worry about her and can nap when I need it. My brother called an I told him what is going on, he is very concerned and wishes he could be here to help out. Mom still doesn’t know anything except that I have a bad cold, I am going to leave it like that too. Tomorrow I am going over to David’s house to play with my grand-daughters and their hamster’s. They think it is cool that grandma isn’t afraid of little creatures and that I will let them run around on me.