September 29th
Today started out to be a wonderful day, until I fully woke up. I had dreamed of just getting off work, stopping at Kentucky Fried Chicken to get a tub for a family gathering at the park. My grand-daughters and I played on the equipment and rolled around in the grass, laughing so loud all could hear us. The sun was shinning, it was just warm enough and I felt great, not even tired after a long day. When I first woke I still felt rather euphoric, that is until mom banged on the wall and brought me back into a sharp reality. She was soaked from head to toe, angry because I had to get her up in order to change her and the bed. Yes, reality had set in. I became depressed as the day wore on, remembering my dream with all to much clarity, no matter how I tried I couldn’t shake the blues. I had brought mom out to the recliner at noon for lunch and there she stayed, not wanting to do anything, except talk on and on about things that weren’t real, like my dream. I was in no mood for conversation with anyone so I just gave short monosyllabic replies. I fixed dinner, baked fresh Salmon, tater tots and mixed vegetables. It was good, mom even ate her entire dinner without a fuss, this made me feel somewhat better, at least something had gone right today. I was beginning to come out of the doldrums when mom had to go to the bathroom, this was fine, no problem. She has been walking to the bathroom for several days now so it was no big deal, that is until we got back to the recliner. She got right in front of it, short of sideways and yelled for me to catch her. I was right behind her, experience is a good teacher, I told her she wasn’t going to fall and she proceeded to try and show me that she was. She intentionally went limp, right into my arms and fought me when I tried to get her upright again, all the while being an "I told you so’er." I finally yelled at her and told her if she didn’t stop this crap she was going into a nursing home because I couldn’t take it anymore, this is not the first time she has done this. I guess she figured she was a little stronger than she thought because she straightened up real fast. Mom has always been one to intentionally do things. I remember coming home from grade school to find her ‘passed out’ on the floor, nothing was really wrong with her, she just did it for the hell of it, but it sure scared this 6 year old pretty bad, at least for the first year or so after that it was normal behavior. I went to the store this evening, my brother stayed with mom while I was gone, I had a panic/anxiety attack: Panic that I would come home and find her on the floor with something else broken and Anxious that I would run into someone I know who would ask how I was and I just break down in uncontrollable tears. God what a horrible feeling. So now I find myself doing self-analysis; Is all this the result of the past few months of very demanding care and the garbage with the doctors, the surgery etc.? Is it from the past 3 plus years of caregiving to mom that has finally caught up with me? Is it the years of being raised by her that are haunting me? Is it just that I am totally exhausted? Hmmmmmmmmm, points to ponder.
September 30th
Well, no dreams today to manipulate me, thank God. Mom was even in a good mood most of the time. She gets real grouchy when she gets tired and wants to go to bed at 8:00 and I won't let her. If I did she would be up from 3:00 on and I can't handle those hours anymore, so I put up with the grouchiness. I did get a pleasant surprise today, I have lost weight, 13 pounds so far and mom has gained 5 back. Not too bad for either of us. She is still on Ensure High Protein drinks twice daily to keep her protein levels up, guess it is helping put weight on too, not to mention all the sweets she eats. SMILE. This sure has seemed to be a very long month, I am happy the first is here. I really love the fall months, the colors and aromas in the air at this time of year.
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