"Thunder Rolls" by Garth Brooks
Ray soundede just like Garth, without even trying!
Well, here you are, so I guess you want to know more about me--Raymond Brown. I am 35 years old and reside, usually, in Norman, Oklahoma. Since the middle of July, however, I have been living in Los Angeles, California, with my girlfriend, Jeane Rae (aka Scorpie, EnigmaV, LadySine, and subhon!). September found us returning together to live happily every after in Norman. On October 26, 1996, my lovely Jeane and I were wed in a romantic outdoor ceremony!
Some of the things I like most are being with people, riding horses and motorcycles, chatting on the internet, reading horror stories, and watching suspense and horror movies. I also enjoy movies set in medieval times, and a good comedy now and then. My favorite authors are Anne Rice, Stephen King, and Dean Koontz.
In The Beginning
I was born July 13, 1961, in Oceanside, California, at the naval Hospital in Camp Pendleton. I was the sixth of seven children. My father was a marine, so we traveled around a good deal of the time. I have lived all over the united States. In 1971, the family moved to Oklahoma to a small town called Spencer, where we lived for a short time before my father moved us to Guthrie.It was in while in Guthrie that my father became a quarter owner and manager of the local Sonic Drive-In.
Growing up in Guthrie, I found particular enjoyment singing in the school chorus and the freedom our little 15-acres provided me. At the age of eleven, I started smoking cigarettes. Soon after I graduated to smoking weed. By the age of 17, I had done just about every kind of drug I could get my hands on, except for anything that required shooting up. Then I started to get the "travel bug." I became somewhat of a gypsy, hitchhiking all over the U.S. Eventually, I found a home of sorts in San Francisco, CA, where I was to experience something that would change my life forever . . . I did my first shot of crystal meth, aka "speed."
Neither Sober Nor Clean
Immediately, I became hooked on speed! I began to bounce back and forth between my family in Oklahoma and my friends in California. The one day it happened. A "good friend" and drug using partner showed me something. I was not in love with the drug anymore . . . I had grown to love the needle! I left San Francisco once more, thinking that all I needed was time away from the needle in order to find the drug again. That was in 1980. When I arrived home that first night, my former brother-in-law took me to my first Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting. At that meeting I sat and pretended to listen, but wouldn't HEAR what they had to say. I knew I wasn't a drug addict, or so I tried to make myself believe. Then the next night my little sister took me to my very first Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting.
Clean And Sober
At that AA meeting I found myself thinking, "Now here are some people I can relate to." After all, my father was an alcoholic, as was my little sister. So, I figured, I could be one too. Well, year and slips went by. Slips are when someone doesn't work on their recovery . . . when they go back to drinking or using. It was 1992, before I finally got sick enough of my life to want to do something about my addictions. I started working my program---for myself this time.
To date I have over four years clean and sober (no drug use or alcohol consumption). For this achievement I thank NA and AA, my friends both in and out of recovery, and mostly, the Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. My druggie lifestyle was not without its permanent effects. Shooting drugs has left me with a dark gift. On May 22, 1992, my sobriety anniversary, I found out that I was HIV+. Currently, as of December 24, 1994, I have developed full-blown AIDS. I am fighting both pneumocystic pneumonia and histoplasmosis.
My Present and Future
January, 1997 UPDATE
written by Jeane Rae Brown
Ray has developed encephalitis---the AIDS virus has attacked his brain cells. We have consulted numerous physicians, and all conclude that this is neither reversible nor treatable. Ray and I refuse to give up. He can no longer walk, his vision is extremely limited, and he can barely speak. But his strength and courage continue to inspire me. Together we daily fight the bureaucracy and red tape that seems determined to thwart us. However, our family and friends (and even the occasional acquaintance or stranger) remain the foundation of our life. To all of you, we say "thank you." Please, EMail us if you wish to send support or if you seek comfort and support. We all need to fight this together.
February 17, 1997 UPDATE
written by Jeane Rae Brown
Ray's condition has worsened. He has lost most of his vision and speech and cannot walk. Until a few days ago, I thought that his mental faculties were still fine. This past weekend a number of events happened. There is no need here to recount all of the unpleasant details. Basically, Ray's three sisters have taken him away from me! I thought this could only happen to gay men and their lovers (which I found outrageous); now it has happened to me...his wife! They will not allow me to talk with Ray and I am told (but do not believe it) he has said that I wasn't feeding him, hit him, and numerous other unpleasant things, none of which are true. But the truth isn't important, because his family believes only what they want.
It doesn't seem to matter to anyone that a little over a week ago I save Ray's life when he was choking. Now, all the love that I gave Ray is forgotten---not by him, but by those around him. I honestly feel like I am living in the middle of an incredible nightmare from which there is no awakening. I promised Ray I would never leave him--that I would be there for him until the end. Now, because of the interference of so-called "loving" family members, I cannot keep that promise.
Am I hurt? You bet I am! Am I angry? Yes, not at Ray, but at his family and at a system that allows this to happen not just to me but to thousands of loving, giving people. We give our lives to help those we love, and all too often end up being turned out into the cold--at best, forgotten; at worst, hated and vilified.
Yesterday, Ray's family entered my apartment while I was visiting him in the hospital. They removed all his belongings (which I would have given them for the asking). But they also stole some of my things! Then last night they checked Ray out of the hospital AMA...from ICU! In the week since he's left my care his health has deteriorated at a rapid rate. His doctor says he has perphaps two or three days to live. He has now lost the will to live. Make you own judgement as to why. . . I know I have.
Well, I have certainly lost a lot. My health has been seriously neglected both mentally and physically. My whole life has been shattered and taken from me. But I have wonderful memories of Ray and me together. I have the knowledge that I played a very large part in making his final months happy. I am also secure in the knowledge that I gave him excellent care and helped to extend his life.
I said good bye to Ray yesterday because I knew his family would not let me see him again. The only thing I have left is my ability to write. And so, I use that ability now to communicate to all of you. What good will this do? I don't know, but it is all I have left.<;FONT>
Love,
Jeane Rae-Brown
"The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on . . .."
from The RUBÁIYÁT OF OMAR KHAYYÁM Translated by Edward Fitzgerald.
Raymond Scott Brown, aka OKCRebel, aka BattleKat, aka SirArmand died on February 18, 1997, at 1:45 AM CST, of complication from AIDS. I could not have asked for a better husband or friend.
