Medical terms for Rednecks

• Artery...............The study of paintings.
• Benign...............What you be after you be eight.
• Bacteria.............Back door to cafeteria.
• Barium...............What doctors do when patients die.
• Cesarean Section.....A neighborhood in Rome.
• Catscan..............Searching for Kitty.
• Cauterize............Made eye contact with her.
• Colic................A sheep dog.
• Coma.................A punctuation mark.
• D&C..................Where Washington is.
• Dilate...............To live long.
• Enema................Not a friend.
• Fester...............Quicker than someone else.
• Fibula...............A small lie.
• Genital..............Non-Jewish person.
• G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.
• Hangnail.............What you hang your coat on.
• Impotent.............Distinguished, well known.
• Labor Pain...........Getting hurt at work.
• Medical Staff........A Doctor's cane.
• Morbid...............A higher offer than I bid.
• Nitrates.............Cheaper than day rates.
• Node.................I knew it.
• Outpatient...........A person who has fainted.
• Pap Smear............A fatherhood test.
• Pelvis...............Second cousin to Elvis.
• Post Operative.......A letter carrier.
• Recovery Room........Place to do upholstery.
• Rectum...............Darn near killed him.
• Secretion............Hiding something
• Seizure..............Roman emperor.
• Tablet...............A small table.
• Terminal Illness.....Getting sick at the airport.
• Tumor................More than one.
• Urine................Opposite of you're out

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

Rules for Women

• Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning..
  
• Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down..
  
• Don't make us guess..
  
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..
  
• Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it..
  
• He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
  
• Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period..
  
• Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time..!
  
• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it..
  
• Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work..
  
• Share the bathroom..
  
• Share the closet..
  
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers..
  
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor..
  
• Check your oil..
  
• Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one..
  
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out..
  
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both..
  
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials...
  
• Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning..
  (Worth repeating)

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? ... Nacho Cheese.

Chuck has always dreamed of owning a motorcycle. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like the extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet.
The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains & everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house.
Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word... Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on he table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word... Now he is getting desperate so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...

By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.
And the father says "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes!"

The Secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned.
"We want to see the President," the man said softly.
"He'll be busy all day," the Secretary snapped.
"We'll wait," the lady replied.
For hours, the Secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't; and the Secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the President, even though it was a chore she always regretted.
"Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him.
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.
The President,stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The President wasn't touched, he was shocked
"Madam," he said gruffly, "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery".
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard."
For a moment the lady was silent.
The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now.
Then the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?"
Her husband nodded.
The President's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, and a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
"You can easily judge the character of a person by how he treats those who can do nothing for him or to him." Malcolm Forbes