i have absolutely no idea of what to say right now. i went to bed at 1:45 last night, still not knowing what you had said and wondering what it was that you would make me find out on my own. i guess i had some idea of what it was, but i wanted to be absolutely sure of what you said. it was so horrible last night that i couldn't sleep at all =) i had to wait until 9:30 this morning to figure out what it was that you wouldn't tell me. when i finally found out, i almost started crying. all i can say is that i think ai shiteru, too :) i'm so glad now that i waited to know what you said until i wrote my e-mail. it changes pretty much everything i'm going to say, or maybe it just gave me more courage to write what i've really been thinking about but haven't been able to say :) i have to admit that the only thing i've been able to think about for probably the past two or three weeks has been you...i've been thinking a lot about our friendship and how much i've enjoyed getting to know you better these past few months, even though our relationship has been growing through talking on a computer and not in person, but maybe it's easier this way. as you've probably figured out, it's sometimes easier for me to be more honest when i write than when i talk. i can't even imagine having some of these conversations in person. i want to be totally honest with what i write, even though i know that everything will probably change after you read this this just seems like bad timing right now...with finals coming up on Saturday and i'm trying to finish my research paper for tomorrow. i've been trying to write the e-mail in between writing my paper, but most of the time i can't concentrate on writing my paper :) that's been my biggest problem recently lol i really don't even know where to start...there's so much that i could say, how do i choose what to say and what to not say? i'll try to just say the most important things, but i may not be a good judge of that =) i guess it's hard to know, because i have no idea what you're thinking, and i don't want to say the wrong things, but i'm just going to take a chance and just say what i'm thinking. hopefully it will be what we both need to hear =) i'm having a horrible time trying to decide where to start and what to say, so i'll try to just start with the most important things. i've been thinking a lot the past few weeks about our friendship and wondering where it's going. but i've been thinking the most about what might have happened if i would have answered your question differently this summer and wondering how things would be different now if i would have said yes...i don't know. do you ever think about it? lately i just can't get it out of my mind, and the more i think about it, the worse i feel. i don't even know what to say about it, but i've felt so guilty thinking about it, and lately i've been thinking about it and almost wishing i could go back and change my answer. but the more i think about it, the more i realize that it probably wouldn'thave been the best time. i don't even know what i'm trying to say with this =) i was pretty much going crazy with starting school soon and everything, and i'm still kind of crazy, but i guess i've grown up a lot since this summer, and i'm finally starting to realize what's really important to me, even though i had to learn it the hard way. anyways, i'm not even sure what i want now...i thought i knew, but i realized that i was wrong. so now i'm just kind of confused about where my life is headed, but i'm finally able to feel happy and optimistic about it; it doesn't seem so horrible anymore =) i still have so much that i could say, but this is probably getting long enough, and i'd like to know what you're thinking before i write anymore. this is only a small portion of what i'm really thinking about...maybe i'll write more later. but first i'd hope that you will read this and think about what i've said before we talk again. i'm not even sure that i'll have much time to talk tonight with trying to write my paper and everything, but i'm really anxious to hear your opinion about what i've said. i'm not even sure if i've said all that i wanted to say; i decided to take your advice and just write without thinking about it =) so i probably left out a lot of things i could have said and i know i've forgotten to write a lot of things, but hopefully i included the most important things. i just wanted to let you know that you've been an awesome friend, and i'm so glad i've had the chance to know you :) it always makes me feel so much better after talking to you. well, i should probably get going. i have my last class in a few minutes, but i wanted to make sure i sent this before i decided i had to change something in it again =) or before i decided that i wasn't going ot send it at all. anyways, i hope you had a great day, and i'll talk to you soon :) love, angie