Fight Terrorists With Terrorists
After much critisism about the way the United States is handling the terrorism situation, the Bush administration decided to make some drastic changes. The fight fire with fire mentality was needed to combat these Evil Doing Thugs. A special ops terrorist task force loosely based on Delta Force starring Chuck Norris will take an integral part in erradicating all known terrorist groups. This task force is named "Slitherin" after the wizard group in the Harry Potter series. The reasoning behind this name was to disguise conversations with Slitherin as Harry Potter fan talk. The individual heading Slitherin is non other than Willie Aames who played Buddy Lembeck in Charles in Charge. Who better to fight terrorists then with the most feared terrorist of all time. Buddy has had years of field experience terrorising Scott Baio and his family on the show.
To help fund this new task force, Miramax is in the works of releasing a Charles in Charge movie with a bit more sass than the television citcom. The profits of this movie will go directly to Slitherin. The cast of Charles in Charge will also be making appearances around the nation to gain support for defeating terrorism. For anyone who doubts Willie's ability to stay cool under pressure just look here. Right before Charles was about to land on Buddy, Buddy was able to jump out of bed and round house kick Charles into the headboard. If he's not the man for this job than we're doomed.
Lesbian Drink of Choice?
Last week the Sobe beverage company anounced an addition to their vast line of flavorfull beverages. The new addition was Gin and Juice which is the signature drink of Snoop Dog. Like Reebok endorsing 50 Cent's G-Unit sneaker, Sobe is following suit in the beverage market. The drinks were put in stores around the country on Monday by Sobe representatives. The drink was covered in brown paper to mimick the look of a paper bag to give that real ghetto feel.
Consumers rushed to the stores to try the new flavor. First day sales were through the roof. By the time the consumers tore off the wrapping they were greeted with a very disturbing label that read "GINA JUICE" which everyone knows that the word Gina is a cute abbreviation for Vagina. Amazingly enough the second day sales were steady due to Lesbian support for the product. Sobe has since dropped the Gin and Juice product and the Snoop Dog endorsment and have become the financial backbone that G.L.A.D. has been seeking.
Mistaken Identity
Dan Levine, a chimney sweeper from Freehold, New Jersey was apprehended by police yesterday after leaving his last house call for the day. He apparently matched the description of a well known Afican American actor who had a warrant out for his arrest for failure to pay child support. Covered in soot, he was taken back to the precinct and booked as Wesley Snipes. He was supposed to be detained until bail could be set the next morning but the officers soon discovered that he was not Wesley Snipes. The officers made the discovery during a routine body cavity search. At first they thought that Wesley might have had a severe case of Vitiligo which could explain the white skin underneath his clothes. When one of the officers grabbed Dan's cheeks and whispered into his ear, "You like that boy?" he noticed that his black skin magically became white when he removed his hand from his face. It was at that point that the officers knew that they had made a huge mistake.
To Be Continued......
Lionel Richie Booted Off Game Show
Earlier today Lionel Richie was escorted out of his square while on the set of the game show Hollywood Squares after making an anti-sametic remark toward Harvey Weinstein. According to a very distraut Harvey Weinstein he was having a friendly conversation with Lionel when out of nowhere Lionel started talking to him about Jewish sex and had accidently turned his microphone back on when he asked the following question, "Do gay Jews do it through the sheets?" and then followed up with, "I don't see how doing it through the sheets has anything to do with your penny pinching lifestyles".
The audience was in shock as was Harvey and the other squares. The shows Producer had him yanked from his square immediately and is now having Billy Ocean take over his square for the remainder of the week.
In trying to figure out what caused Lionle Richie to say these things our field crew was able to dig up some dirt on Lionel Richie's father, Herbert. Apparently he was working with the Germans during the creation of the Hindenburg. It was his suggestion to use the fabric they did for the outer shell which turned out to be disasterous as you very well know. To make up for the damage caused to the reputation of German engineering Herbert had to do one thing for the Germans when the they needed him. Herbert was now a sleeper for the German Government. His time had come last week when he was ordered to destroy his son's diminishing career. He did as he was ordered and they are even now. Well he sort of did what he was told.
The Hollywood Square fiasco was his doing but Lionel was never really on the show nor has he been alive since the debut of "Dancing On The Ceiling" on MTV. Lionel was killed during a bow hunting accident while hunting with good friend Ted Nugent. The two people who loved Lionel more than anyone were his father and Ted Nugent. Ted wrote the song "High Enough" in his memory which catapulted his band "Damn Yankees" to the forefront of Rock and Roll. Herbert took a much different path to remembering his lost son. He couldn't bare the thought of burying his only son so he transformed him into something else. Lionel Richie is a D.A.R.Y.L (Data Analyzing Robotic Youth Lifeform) that is so real you can't even tell the difference. This same technology was used in the movie "DARYL" and "The Last Starfighter".
It is still unclear whether special effects were used or if it was actually the new and improved Lionel Richie dancing on those ceiling in his video. I guess some things just aren't meant to be answered.
Telemundo Cable Network in MUCHO Trouble
The Telemundo spanish cable network recently made budget cutbacks for the new fiscal year. Included in those cutbacks were American movies with spanish voice overs. The network received an overwhelming negative response from the spanish speaking community. One of the executives came up with a compromise that would still adhere to thier new budgetary limitations.
On Sunday July 11, 2004, Telemundo aired the movie "Prince of Tides" which surprisingly enough did not have Barbara Streisand or Nick Nolte in it. The stars of this movie were Mexican labor workers in white face. The networks executives decided it would be more feasable to reshoot the entire movie using Mexicans for $10 per hour and not have to pay for voiceovers. They thought nobody would know the difference. Well everybody did notice and the executives over at Telemundo have been replaced. The new man leading the new team is non other than Telemundo regular Eric Estrada of the well known eighties television series "CHiPs". We here at Shocking news would like to congratulate Eric on his new endeavor and pray that he does not take these kinds of shortcuts in the future.
Eighties Archives News - Goonie Incarsarated
Our news team unearthed Police reports showing that Corey Feldman was incarsarated for FORGERY at the age of 14. According to our sources Corey Feldman had a verbal agreement with long time friend Michael Jackson back in the mid eighties about being added to the roster of the "We Are The World" project. Michael had supposedly promised Corey that Producer Quincy Jones Ok'd his participation in the song and the MTV video that was to be released in 1985. Before the the project got underway there was an altercation between Corey and Billy Joel after Corey called Billy a gaylord for making the song "Uptown Girl". Corey was released from the project the following week after another fight broke out between himself and Cindy Lauper due to her refusal to perform at "The Goonies" wrap up party the previous year.
Corey's expulsion from the project became a thorn in his side and he decided to get back at Quincy for it but at the same time he did not want to upset Micheal who was also good friends with Quincy Jones at the time. Upsetting Michael could mean never visiting the Never Land Ranch again. He decided to enlist long time friend Corey Haim whose father owned a printing company. They used the machinery at the printing company to create a false contract. By doing this Corey thought he could get his revenge on Quincy and Michael would think it was a legitemate battle between the two.
Corey Feldman made one big mistake. He enlisted the wrong man for the job. Corey Haim was under investigation for saudomising Dana Plato--who is well known for her role of Kimberly Drummond on the television series Different Strokes--in the back of roller rink in SanFrancisco.
[PERSONAL QUOTE]
I believe she never fully recovered from that incident and that is most likely the reason for her suicide in May of 1999.
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Law Enforcement had offered Cory Haim immunity if he would give up his buddy for anything illegal he could get him on. They have been after Corey Feldman ever since he was accused of vandalism of Police property in 1983 and was aquitted. Corey Haim did just that. On February of 1986 Corey Feldman was arrested and charged with Forgery and served 2 months in a juvenile detention center.
Corey spent the next couple years trying to make it up to Michael for betraying him. Michael told Corey that if he dressed like he did in the "Beat It" video for the next couple of years he would be forgiven.
[PERSONAL QUOTE]
Remember that time around when "Dream a Little Dream" was out and Corey was wearing the Leather zippered jackets, the parachute pants, and the Jerry Curl styled hair? This is the story behind it.
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The Dead Return From The Grave And Make Music
It is confirmed that Eazy-E, Notorious B.I.G., and Tupac are alive and well. Apparently the three MCs have been hiding out in the fox holes of Vietnam and secrectly working on a new album that will be "Off The Chain" as they say in the Hip-Hop world. Many say it will be the album of the decade if they can get through thier calloraborating difficulties.
Eazy-E faked his own death some time ago using AIDS as his tool of choice. He wanted to escape the limelight and the ongoing conflicts with his ex-bandmembers of NWA. He was going to reinvent himself without the world watching over his shoulder. He did make a brief comback unknown until now in the movie Mississippi Masala staring Denzel Washington where he was Denzel's stunt double during the sex scenes with his sultry love interest in the movie. He was so disguised that no knew it was him. But anyway back to the story.
After Eazy-E's faked death he stowed away inside a pallet of frozen fried chicken on a freight ship headed for Asia and found himself in Vietnam after the pallet had reached it's final destination and he was 20lbs heavier. He couldn't find work or a place to stay so he would wonder the jungle aimlessly and live off the land. Then he stumbled upon a fox hole where he is thriving now with Tupac and Biggie.
Tupac and Biggie were contacted by Eazy-E some time after his death and he explained to them the whole story of his death. He then offered them the chance to come and collaborate with him on a new album that would change the face of Hip-Hop under one condition. The condition was that they too would have to fake their deaths and come to Vietname to stay with him so he could name the album "Night of The Living Dead" after his favorite horror movie. They did as he said and we should expect thier album to drop in mid November 2005.
A Knife Wielding Peter Parker
Phone records recently uncovered from the Simpson home reveal a shocking new twist to the unsolved murder of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. Apparently there is a connection to one of Hollywood's elite that was never discovered before. The person I am referring to is non other than Toby McGuire. According the phone record Toby McGuire had placed a call to the Simpson house an hour before the murder had taken place. I reported my findings to the proper authorities and requested a full re-investigation of the case.
After about two weeks into the re-investigation the authorities now armed with this new information were now finding answers to some unexplained mysteries from the first investigation. Scissors, sewing needles, and red fabric were found next to the bodies. During the first investigation these items were over looked but after delving deeper into the private life of Nicole the authorities discovered that Nicole was a well seasoned seemstress who was making a costume of some sort for Toby McGuire. This was the break they were looking for.
Long story short, Toby McGuire had heard about Spiderman possibly becoming a movie and was obsessed with getting the role of Spiderman. He had seen Nicole's eye for detail when he first layed eyes on Micael Jackson's Red Leather zippered jacket that he wore in the "Beat It" video. Tobe had contacted Nicole several times to try to convince her that she should make the Spiderman costume for him. He informed her that he needed to practice in the suit and really get into chatacter if he was ever to get this role. This was his last chance in Hollywood. After about two weeks of constant nagging she gave in. It took her only two weeks to create the Spiderman outfit. Toby stopped by to try it on the night of the double murder. He soon discovered that she had not included the matching socks and Toby was furious. He stormed out of the bathroom where he was trying the outfit on and discovered Ron Goldman standing beside Nicole both chuckling. He instantly assumed they were laughing at the sockless costume which only added to his rage. He then grabbed a buck knife from his calf holster and lunged at Ron and stabbed him repeatedly and then attacked Nicole. This was the story he confessed to the authorities.
He was let go shortly after his confession. The details of his release are still a bit shady but many believe that Marvel had something to do with it.
