Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any bike, any place, any time.

1. DUCT TAPE. Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery fabric, and more, all in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from Harley Davidsons to ZX-11s uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2. VICE GRIPS. Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS. A considerably cheaper alternative to new chains, brakes, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main head bolts of any bike to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS. If you spend all your time under the bike looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the seat, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals, pound out a dent, straighten out a fork, bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES. After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used bikes, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the tank.

7. RIDICULOUSLY LARGE STANDARD SCREWDRIVER WITH LIFETIME GUARANTEE. Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer or a large rock found at the side of the road (see above). This is also the cagers tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -- and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said -- who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. BAILING WIRE. Commonly known as BSA muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with BSA, Triumph, and other single- and vertical-twins set.

9. BONKING STICK. This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the seized brake or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. A QUARTER AND A PHONE BOOTH. See #1 above.

WHAT YOUR STARS REALLY SAY ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY

ARIES: You are the pioneer type and hold most people with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS: You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed, but, in fact, you are just a dickhead.

GEMINI: You are quick, intelligent, and a thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. However you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, which is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.

LEO: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos bully smaller people. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good undertakers and pimps.

LIBRA: You are the artistic type and have difficulty with reality. If you are male you are probably a poof. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Librans die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: You are shrewd in business and cannot ever be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect asshole. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pushers. People laugh at you a lot because you are always fucked.

CAPRICORN: You are the conservative type and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal, but, on the other hand, you are careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence over your good friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

The World According To Student Bloopers

Richard Lederet, St. Paul's School

Intro: One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessart and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advise. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Granks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they faught with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caeser extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no true man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the Church door at Wittenberg for selling Papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important inventior was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince McBeth of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hole. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Chritsopher Columbus was a real navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any stamps. During the way, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclomation, and the fourteenth amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would rather torcher and lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and oder. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beetoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beetoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revloution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems, and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is on the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS

DETROIT - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next near-fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans, or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until January 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it - I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 on Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets - even if it kills me!"

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place - approximately 1 in 720,000 - the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $1000 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn’t. Santa was really angry. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN’T believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and she isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. She says "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to put the Christmas tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels perched atop the Christmas tree came to pass ...

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting;
2. fleeing;
3. feeding; and
4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them."

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
-- Andrew Tannenbaum

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers - and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

668 : The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
-- Charles Barkley

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
-- D. E. Knuth, 1967

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
-- E. Grebenik (think about that one for a moment)

Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, Black Adder 4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, Peanuts

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
-- Sigmund Freud

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Mark Twain

"Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog

20 Reasons Barfing Is Better Than School Food

20. After you barf, you feel better.
19. You can barf whenever you want.
18. When you barf, you don't have to wait in line.
17. Barf is always warm.
16. You don't have to sneak barf out of the cafeteria.
15. When you're barfing, a bent spoon is an advantage.
14. You can lose weight barfing.
13. You don't have to pay to barf.
12. Barf is SUPPOSED to look like that.
11. When you barf, you don['t have to come back for seconds.
10. You don't have to barf everyday.
9. Barfing can never cause you to eat school food afterward.
8. You can barf without a photo ID.
7. Barf is organic and biodegradable.
6. They don't ration barf.
5. After you barf, at least you know what you've eaten.
4. Plastic barf is funny; plastic school food is redundant.
3. You don't have to barf the same thing five days in a row.
2. A dog will eat barf.
1. After you barf, at least there is some taste in your mouth.

Application to Cambridge University

A young man was being interviewed for entrance to Cambridge college to study physics. He was asked among other things, the following question: "How would you measure the height of a skyscraper using a barometer?"

The candidate replied as follows: "Take a very long piece of string, tie one end of it to the barometer. Keeping hold of the other end, dangle the barometer off the roof of the skyscraper until it reaches the ground, then the length of the string plus the length of the barometer equals the height of the skyscraper."

The interviewing tutors did not accept the answer, and the candidate was rejected. But he appealed to the university authorities on the grounds that his answer, while perhaps unorthodox, was undeniably correct.

It so happened that professor Iza Conman of Michigan was in Cambridge at the time as a visiting professor, and he was asked to arbitrate the dispute. He asked the candidate to see him, and gave him five minutes to reply to the same question in a way that showed knowledge of the basic principles of physics.

The young candidate was silent for three minutes. Conman warned him that the time was running out.

"The problem is," said the candidate, "I've thought of several possible answers, but I can't decide which is the best."

"One minute," said Conman.

"Well," said the candidate, "you could take the barometer to the roof of the building and drop it, using a stopwatch to measure the time the barometer took to reach the ground. If this t is time, and the acceleration due to gravity is g, then the height of the building would be gt/2. But then you've got an ex-barometer."

"If the sun is shining, you could measure the length of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the skyscraper's shadow. Then it's just a matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"If you want to be highly scientific you could tie a piece of string to the barometer and make it swing like a pendulum, first on the roof and then on the ground. Then you could work out the acceleration due to gravity on the roof and on the ground from the period of the oscillation of the pendulum. From this difference you can determine the height of the building."

"Or you could walk up the stairs with the barometer and a pencil, marking off lengths of the barometer as you go., adding them up at the end."

"If you want to be boring you could measure the air pressure on the roof and at ground level, convert millibars to meters and get the height of the skyscraper from that."

"But in the end the best method would probably be to knock on the janitor's door and say, 'Look; if you tell me how high this building is, I'll give you this lovely new barometer.' "

- courtesy of IEEE Aerospace and Electronic Systems Magazine

Barbecues

Combining as it does various aspects of fire, animal sacrifice, tree-felling, alcohol and the great outdoors - all sacred elements in the Australian pantheon - the backyard barbecue remains the most popular of local social customs. Here, then, is a fundamental guide to modern barbecue etiquette.

Invitations: These must be extended at the last possible moment, and may include anyone the host meets at the pub after cricket practice. It is vital that the hostess should be oblivious as to how many people will actually attend, making it impossible to adequately cater for the event. It is a fact that most hosts enjoy the last-minute dash to the 7-Eleven for more bread rolls, tomato sauce or butter, especially when they are well over .05.

Upon Arrival: Guests are expected to park their cars in such a fashion as to cause maximum inconvenience to their hosts. This includes parking-in guests with young children who will be leaving first and then locking the keys in the car; parking across a neighbour's driveway; parking across a newly sown lawn or herb garden. It is also customary to park so as to block the access and egress of fire engines.

Neighbours: Of course neighbours have a great role to play in the backyard barbecue. They can greatly enhance the ambience of the event by firing up a lawn-mower or chainsaw after guests have assembled. They may also take this occasion to indulge in a spot of nude sunbathing for the entertainment of any children under 12 who may be attending.

The Menu: Guests who plan to "bring a plate" should always check with the hostess to ensure they double up on what has already been provided. An offering of five green bean salads and no coleslaw or potato salad is perfectly acceptable. Any sweet dishes, such as an expensive, shop-purchased cheesecake or a specially prepared pavlova, should be left in the back of the refrigerator so the hostess may discover it after the last guest has departed.

The Fire: The centrepiece of every barbecue is, of course, the fire and without it, one is simply dining "al fresco" or having a "picnic", both activities more suited to the sylvan settings of the European countryside. The fire adds the element of danger and drama and it is well accepted that Australians just don't feel they've put in a full day unless they have a life-threatening brush with the elements. The fire should be lit exactly two hours after most guests have expressed that they are hungry. The male host is usually nominated as "fire master" and before the guests arrive, he will have collected and assembled a woefully inadequate collection of wet and green sticks which will catch alight only after being liberally doused with lawn-mower fuel. All children under 10 should be equipped with a red-hot stick with which to torment pets and smaller siblings. Women may offer assistance with the fire only once it has been established that the initial blaze has been reduced to a smouldering pile of newspaper, ring-pulls and cigarette packets.

Departure: The barbecue is officially finished when the beer runs out or the pizza is delivered ... whichever occurs soonest.

Harley rider is broken down by the side of the road (as usual). A BMW rider stops to help. "You need any help?"
"Yeah, have you got a wrench?"
"Sure, what size?"
"A big one. I want to use it for a hammer."

A pregnant motorcylists goes to see her doctor. "What position should I take to give birth?"
"The same position you were in when you concieved the baby."
"What, one leg over the handlebars and one foot on the ground?"

What about the guy that designed a turbo-super-duper charger to his bike that would increase the speed 10 fold in 1.5 secs? There he was cruising down the highway only 50% above the speed limit and this cop on another bike starts waving him down. He can't afford to get caught so he kicks in the super-duper turbo and vanishes 90 miles down the highway. He turns round and cruises back again and about where he took off from there are ambulances and flashing lights and all. So he goes over and there is the cop lying on a stretcher all gravel rashed and torn.
"Whew!" says the guy. "What happened?"
The ambulance man said, "Seems he was chasing this other guy on a bike and suddenly his bike stopped dead and he got off it to see what had happened and that's all he can remember."

This badass biker decides to take a ride north, up through Canada around the coast to Alaska. Being a typical bro', he's wearing a pisspot and black wraparounds, despite it being 20 below freezing and dark 18 hours of the day. As he pulls into Dildo, Canada (pop 223 ... it really does exist), he notices to his amazement that his trusty sled is leaking oil. He swiftly searches out the town mechanic who comes out and looks his Harley over. Straightening himself up again, the mechanic looks at the biker and says "Well man, it looks like you just blew a seal". The bro, a little taken aback, blushes and says "No way, it's just frost on my beard."

"I nearly ran over a pedestrian a few minutes ago and I think he was from Miami."
"How do you know he was from Miami?"
"Well, when he reached the sidewalk, I heard him say something about the sun and the beach."

Biker gets a scholarship to Harvard. At orientation he asks an upperclassman "Can you tell me where the administration building is at?"
Upperclassman sniffs "At Harvard, one never ends a sentence with a preposition."
So the biker says "Can you tell me where the administration building is at, asshole."

The guy walks into the moto store and says "I'd like to get new mirrors for my Harley." The salesman thinks a second, then replies "Well, I think it's a fair trade"

In August at the annual Cortland, N.Y., 200-rider demonstration against the state's mandatory motorcycle helmet law, five protestors were thrown from their bikes, lacerated, and suffered head injuries when a tire blew out on one cycle. All five were cited for failure to wear helmets.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat," Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. He was admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong. "My son left the cage door open so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage," he explained. "As usual, it looked for a good place to hide and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball."

Stone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.

Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buyMotorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Bill Gates suddenly dies, and finds himself face to face with God.

God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95, among other Indiscretions ... I believe I'll do something I've never done before, I'll let YOU decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?"

Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first."

So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear sky, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of clean air.

"This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightening and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "If I have to choose only one, I believe I'll take Hell, sir." And with that, a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke again appeared, and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So how is everything going?" God asked Bill. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place … with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"

"That was the demo," replies God.

The Complete Set Of blonde Jokes

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

3. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

4. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

5. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)

6. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

7. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.

8. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

9. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

10. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

11. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

12. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

13. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

14. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

15. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

16. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

17. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.

18. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

19. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

20. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

21. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

22. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

23. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

24. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

25. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

26. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

27. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

28. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

29. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

30. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

31. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

32. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

33. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

34. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

35. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"

36. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?

37. Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"

38. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

39. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

40. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

41. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

42. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

43. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

44. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

45. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.

46. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.

47. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

48. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

49. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

50. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

51. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.

52. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
53. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?

A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
54. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: Who cares?

55. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex.

56. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file.
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says 'Next!'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: The batteries have run out.

57. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

58. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

59. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.

60. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

61. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

62. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

63. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

64. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

65. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

66. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

67. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

68. Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

69. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

70. Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

71. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

72. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

73. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

74. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill?
A: Wishful thinking.

75. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

76. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

77. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

78. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

79. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

80. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

81. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

82. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

83. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 25 cents to use a telephone.

84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

85. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

86. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...

87. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

88. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

89. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

90. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

91. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

92. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

93. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

94. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

95. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

96. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

97. Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

98. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.

99. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

100. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

101. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

102. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

103. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

104. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

105. Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

106. Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-N....ah, oh well .. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

107. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

108. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

109. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

110. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

111. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

112. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

113. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like snails.

114. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

115. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A: The blonde!

116. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

117. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.

118. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

119. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

120. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

121. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

122. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

123. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...

125. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

126. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.

127. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

128. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

129. Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.

130. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

131. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"

132. Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

133. Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.

134. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

135. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

136. Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

137. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

138. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

139. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

140. Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

141. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

142. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician

143. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.

144. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

145. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

146. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

147. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

148. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them

149. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

150. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

151. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

152. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

153. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went? It finally dawned on here.

154. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

155. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

156. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

157. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?
blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

158. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
159. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

160. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

161. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

162. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Senate Demands End To Browser Development

Washington, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) - Senate Majority Leader Ray Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers, saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the American economy of its vitality.

Noorda's comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM radio from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta trial, while versions 408-441 are in development. (Microsoft, which has been criticized of late for slipping behind Netscape in the browser race, vowed to deliver Version 405 of its Internet Explorer before the next major religious holiday, though company spokesman Jim Manzi declined to specify which religion the company was referring to.) Mark Gibbs, author of IDG Books' best-selling Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies, said the continuing instability in the Internet market has virtually halted development of new applications. "How can you build to a platform that only lasts 51 days?'' asked Gibbs. "The only apps being developed now are crossword puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets."

According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC user now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited the usefulness of the desktop machine because each "browser/operating system/object bucket/API repository" consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if the touch screen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use of at least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers.

In the late 1990's, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less- expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data housed on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet device died with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which cracked the 800M- byte storage requirement and supported some 250,000 ActiveX Controls.

(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396.)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

John Locke:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder:
It was a government conspiracy.

Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

The Pope:
That is only for God to know.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Immanuel Kant:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your chequebook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

M.C.Escher:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

Plato:
For the greater good.

Aristotle:
To actualise its potential.

Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Pyrrho the Sceptic:
What road?

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2:
It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it cross it, I've not been told!

O.J.:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Andersen Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.

Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a program management framework.

Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.

The meeting was held in a park like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment, which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready, and when you're not.
16. No contact plan ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defence motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
77. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or MIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honour.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math -- 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body Count Math -- 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The 90s

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner. Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain why an increasing number of women think that he is endowed with incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.

But that skill is becoming less important every year. Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:

1. Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).

2. Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.

3. Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.

And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chilli peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realise this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness - a sign of elevated testosterone; or (2) unkempt jungle hair - the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.

I realise there are a lot of sceptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those sceptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the US Government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realised it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice. It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.

Criminals like these wouldn't last long ...

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drugstore, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this? The bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialled "911" for help.

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four crappy channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
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Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
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Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers

The Darwin Awards

You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.

The Darwin award is given post-humously to the "person doing the greatest favor for mankind by removing his genes from the pool".

The 1996 nominees are:

1. [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

2. [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC, when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

3. [Unknown, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). If was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating (this deadly gas). Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

4. [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."

5. [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

6. [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18 year old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help. But they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

7. [Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burn victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life."

8. 45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

9. Portsmouth, RI police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he:
a. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and

b. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

10. Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

11. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:

James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

[Kalamazoo Gazette, April 1, 1995] Same thing up here in Michigan. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports say it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.

Bowling Green, Ohio student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.

In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a jet engine (JATO) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the road.

And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles-one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six- pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down. Things didn't quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours. Then he really got in trouble.

He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared. Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.

Q: What did the Queen give Fergie for her Birthday?
A: A first class trip to Paris with dinner at the Ritz.

Q: What did Di and Dodi drink at the Ritz before the fatal car crash?
A: 4 Harvey WALLBANGERS and 2 SLAMMERS, followed by 6 CHASERS.

Q: After the radio, what was Di on next?
A: The dashboard, the windscreen, roof...etc.

Q: Why is Dodi's penis red?
A: Because he dipped it in Di.

Q: Why was Di in a Mercedes that night?
A: Because she didnt want to be seen dead in a Volvo.

Q: What's the difference between Di and Tiger Woods?
A: Tiger Woods has a better driver.

Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and the NFL teams?
A: The NFL teams came out of the tunnel on Sunday.

Elton John is going to rename his tribute song "Door handle through her grin."

Q: What does Diana stand for?
A: Dead In A Nasty Accident.

Q: What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring?
A: Aren't we moving a bit to fast?

Q: How do you paint a tunnel
A: With Di.

Q: Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
A: Because he's the only queen who gives a shit.

Dodi's tomb was to be fitted with central heating until they realised that he already had a radiator on his chest.

Q: What is the Difference between Di and Mother Theresa?
A: About 4 days.

Di and Dodi are in the car on the way home from a night out on the town in Paris. Di says to Dodi "Why don't we stay at my place tonight?" Dodi replies "No, I insist we stop at my place." So Dodi and Di proceed to have a big argument about this, at which point the driver turns round and says "Look, if you can't decide, why don't we just crash here for the night?

Q: What happened to the Fairy Princess when the clock struck twelve?
A: She turned into a pillar.

Q: Whats Diana and a tampon got in common?
A: They both go in dark holes and come out red.

Mercedes has issued new safety stickers for their rear view mirrors: "PAPARRAZI IN THE MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR"

Q: What does DODI stand for?
A: Died Opposite Di.

Q: What does DODI stand for?
A: Died On Dashboard Impact.

Q: What do Diana and George Burns have in common?
A: They both died at 100.

Q: What do Pink Floyd, Ayrton Senna and Di have in common?
A: They all had hits with the wall.

There are some unfounded rumours that the British Secret Service killed Diana. It's completely untrue. The French underground did it.

When Dodi asked Diana to marry him, she said that she needed something more concrete in her life.

Q: What was the last thing Diana said to the paparazzi?
A: No more pictures, I'm a bloody Princess!

Q: What was the last thing Di said before she died?
A: These photographers are going to drive me up a wall.

Q. What do Ferrero Rocher and Princess Di have in common?
A. They both come out of France in a box.

Q: What is harder than getting red wine out of your carpet?
A: Getting Di out of your upholstery.

Merc have launched a new series. It has 2 air bags in the front and two body bags in the back.

Q: Why did the Poms want to cremate Di?
A: That way they finally get to keep the ashes.

Q: What would Di be doing if she were alive today?
A: Scratching on the lid of her coffin!

Q: What do you give to a princess who has everything?
A: A safetybelt and an airbag.

Q: What's the similarity between Princess Di and a landmine?
A: They're both easy to lay but difficult to clear up.

Q: What did Diana do when she heard her driver had been drinking?
A: She hit the roof.

Dos Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it is no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical when you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking a Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows '95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but taste more like windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows '95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truck-load. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, but the company promises to change the can to look just like the Window's '95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

You may be an engineer if …

you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting,
your lap-top computer costs more than your car,
you window shop at Dick Smith Electronics,
you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is,
you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas,
you know what http:/ stands for,
the only jokes you receive are through e-mail,
your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50,
at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string,
you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment,
you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven,
you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside,
a team of you and your workmates have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception,
you ever burned down the science lab with your science experiments you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor,
you have never backed-up your hard drive,
you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud,
you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance,
you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is",
you see a good design and still have to change it,
you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts,
you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use,
the sales assistants at Dick Smith Electronics can't answer any of your questions,
you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it,
the thought that a CD could refer to music never enters your mind,
you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are,
you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car tyres,
you have a functioning fax and home photocopier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal,
you need a checklist to turn on the TV,
you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work,
the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them,
you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for,
your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone,
you spend more on your home computer than your car,
you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio,
you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage,
you carry on a one hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run,
you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers,
your father sat two centimetres in front of your family's first colour TV with a magnifying glass to see how they made the colours, and you grew up thinking that was normal,
you set up the sound system for your high school formal,
your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place,
people groan at the party when you pick out the music,
you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep,
you have more friends on the Internet than in real life,
you introduce your wife as mylady@home.wife,
your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner,
you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary,
you have more toys than your kids,
you have introduced your kids by the wrong name,
your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight,
you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts,
you own a pocket protector to carry all your pens around with you all the time,
your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory,
you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys,
you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood race car,
you know the direction the water swirls when you flush,
you truly believe aliens are living among us,
you can name 6 Star Trek episodes,
you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie,
you own "Official Star Trek" anything,
you think you have experienced at least one of "The X Files",
your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies,
you have memorised the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already,
you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week,
your chequebook always balances.

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least -- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

A 15-year old boy was lying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the European Union (EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications among government departments.

European officials have pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult. For example: cough, plough, here, hear, bow, bough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. The program would be administered by a committee of top-level staff chosen by the participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee might suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. The hard "c" could then by replased by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. This would not only klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters and keyboards kould be made with one less letter, a signifikant savings.

In the second year, bekause of growing enthusiasm, it kould be announsed that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f". This would make words like "fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor, we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend.

By this time it would be four years sins the skem began and people would be reseptiv to steps sush as replasing "th" by "z". Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w".

Finaly, ze unesesary "o" kuld be dropd from vords kontaining "ou". Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer konbinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer aftr yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten stil. Aftr tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrion vud fin it ezi tu understan esh ozer. Ze drems of ze EU vud finali kum tru.

Last year, my friend upgraded his Girlfriend 3.1 to Girlfriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and it's a memory hogger; it has taken all his space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as Mother_In_Law and Brother_In_Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming Girlfriend 4.0:
- A "Don't Remind Me Again" button
- A Minimize Button
- A Shutdown Feature
- An Uninstall Shield so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend but I didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to deinstall it by hand, but it put files in my system drawer. Another thing that sucks in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally 'object oriented' and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts - only plug-and play with specialised hardware.

******* Bug Warning ******

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney and Quicken files before doing the uninstall itself. then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Either way you'll experience a Hardware or Software Error Detect (HOSED) crash.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the mall and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp for wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love ...

PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle laboured 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card / bank card readers at the check-out stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the check-out person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."

Idiots and Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees":
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Idiots in the Neighbourhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Idiots and Computers
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots Do Math
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker - now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents inside.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

Here's the set up: I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

Marketing The Ivies

It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. Read on for their masterful slogans...

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL - The Big Red Tape!!!

YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

Suddenly the Ivy League's submission levels rose tenfold. (Hey, those Sesame Street viewers were pretty smart.) So many other schools realized they had to join the fray. Witness...

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

BC: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your arse from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 varients of de weed with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years), enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!

SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your >>money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo _and_ mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Do you wish to be led by a racist student president? Do you like to be hit with Mercury-laden snow from the third most polluted lake in the country? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? Would you mind awfully terribly if you will forever be linked to the Snapple lady and that Senator Alphonse D'Amato? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!! (Making the future happen tomorrow for lots and lots of dough.)

This e-mail has been brought to you by the letters M, I, and T, the number 37, and the school Dartmouth.

Why do Irish women have black tits?
They don't take their bras off before they burn them.

Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
Ties the victims' legs together so they can't escape.

Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
Took him eight hours to get his family out.

Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coat hanger to get them out.

What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
He then has more brains in his stomach than in his head.

What does an Irishman have inside his head?
A piece of paper with brain written on it.

Heard about the latest innovation in Irish submarines?
Screen windows to keep the fish out.

Why is the suicide rate low among the Irish?
It's pretty hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement.

Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
If you can’t lick them then join them.

What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
Lucky.

Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
The arsehole rejected him seven days later.

What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A liar.

How can you pick the Irish pirate?
He wears a patch over both eyes.

Why do Irish council workers only have 10 minute tea breaks?
If they spend any longer they need to be retrained.

Why did the Irish stop making ice blocks?
The old lady who knew the recipe died.

What has an IQ. of 180?
Ireland.

What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Irishmen.

What's the fastest game in he world?
Pass the parcel in an Irish pub.

Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.

What caused the New York blackout?
Four Irishmen hooking up a doorbell.

What happens to an Irishman who picks his nose?
His head collapses.

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

What's red and runs around a tennis court?
Unborn Borg or Foetus Gerulaitis.

How do you know when a woman has been screwed by an elephant?
When she sits on a bar stool and slides down.

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.

What do you do when an elephant is having its periods?
Hide all the mattresses.

How does an elephant cry
Sits on its bum and bawls.

What does an elephant use for tampons?
Sheep.

How does an elephant fuck a mouse?
Stands on it.

Why have elephants got four feet?
Six inches isn't enough.

Why does an elephant wear condoms on its feet?
Because if it stands on you, you’re fucked.

What do you do if an elephant comes in your bedroom?
Swim for the door and don’t bother waiting for an apology.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic pygmies.

How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

How do they make sausages?
Put a sock over the end of the tunnel.

What’s the definition of a Chico roll?
A leper in a sleeping bag.

What do lepers fear most?
A Kampuchean with a knife and fork.

What happened to the leper on the trampoline?
He strained himself.

Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.

What do you call a leper in a hot bath?
Soup.

What's green and melts in your mouth?
A lepers cock.

Did you hear about the four lepers playing cards?
One threw his hand in and the others laughed their heads off.

How do you know when a leper has sent you a letter?
His tongue is still suck on the stamp.

Why did the leper leave the party?
Everyone was dipping their biscuits in his neck.

Why did the leper prostitute go out of business?
Because business was dropping off.

What's green and blows bubbles?
A baby in a bucket of snot.

What's two feet tall and can't turn around in corridors?
A baby with a javelin through it's head.

What’s black and taps on windows?
A baby in the oven.

What's blue and yellow and sits on the bottom of the ocean?
A baby with its floaties slashed.

What’s red and sits in the corner screaming?
A peeled baby in a cot of salt.

What’s more fun than hanging a baby on a spinning clothes line?
Stopping it with a cricket bat.

What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby eating razor blades.

What's green and sits in the corner?
Same baby a month later.

How do you put a baby into a shoe box?
Use a blender.

How do you get a baby out of a shoe box?
Use a straw.

How do you stop a baby from crying?
Chop it's head off.

What's red and stands in front of the mirror?
A baby combing it's hair with a Potato Peeler.

What's the difference between a truck load of melons and a truck load of babies?
Melons don't stick to the pitch fork or wiggle as much.

What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?

About five minutes in a microwave.

What's red and hangs from the back of a train?
A miscarriage.

What's yellow, crispy and lives in a fish and chip shop?
A battered baby.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was nailed to the chicken.

What's red and climbs up women’s stockings?
A homesick abortion.

Why can you put babies into blenders feet first?
To see the expression on their faces.

What do you call an aborigine with dandruff?
A Lamington.

What are the first five words an aboriginal child learns?
"Will the defendant please rise."

What do you call an aborigine with warts?
A chokito.

Why do you never offer an aboriginal an up?
Because better living conditions don't interest him.

What is a cocoon?
An a a a ab ab ab aboriginal.

Why do they call aborigines "boongs"?
That's the noise they make when you hit them in a Land Rover.

What goes boong boong boong boong?
A Land Rover going through a corroboree.

What's the first thing to do with a dead aboriginal?
Scrape his skin out and sell him for a wet suit.

What do you call a group of aboriginals falling down a mountain?
Abolanche.

What are the three things you can't give an aboriginal?
A black eye, a fat lip and a job.

What does an aboriginal call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.

Did you hear about the chap who ordered a tonne of mallee roots?
Two days later a bus full of aboriginal marching girls arrived.

Why are there no aboriginal poofters?
They're all too lazy to get off their arses.

What’s the similarity between an Abo’s cunt and the Murray river?
They've both got big red gums.

Or the similarity between an Abo’s cunt and a cricket bat?
Well if you really try you can eat the cricket bat.

What's the similarity between an abo and a computer?
You punch things into both of them.

Why are computers smarter than abos?
You only have to punch things into computers once.

What do you call an abo with a shotgun?
Sir.

What’s got long greasy black hair and rides a pig?
Lawrence of Italy.

What's worse than grease on a Greek?
Come on Aussie.

What goes black white black white black white bang?
A nun falling down the stairs.

Why don’t they ski in Vietnam?
Because all the slopes are over here.

Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can't hide in the corner when the collection plate is passed

How did Harold Holt disappear?
A dingo wearing scuba gear.

What are pregnant women most afraid of?
A dingo with a yabby pump.

What are test tube babies most afraid of?
A dingo with a straw.

What has six legs and runs around Ayre’s Rock?
A dingo with a baby in its mouth.

How do you bring up a baby in the Northern Territory?
Stick your fingers down a dingo's throat.

What's the definition of gluttony?
A dingo in a creche.

What’s the definition of suspicion?
A dingo pushing a pram around Ayre's Rock.

Why did the dingo eat the little girl
She was dressed up like a dog's dinner.

What's the definition of revenge
A Seventh Day Adventist with a Dingo in his mouth.

What do you call a baby in a pram on top of Ayre’s Rock?
Meals on wheels.

What did one dingo say to the other as they sat outside the tent?
Shall we eat in or take away.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell on you?
A billiard table.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the tree fall over?
The koala hung on.

How did the rabbit die?
The koala fell on it.

What has seven eyes but can't see?
Three blind mice and half a sheep head.

What's the difference between a Jew and an apple pie?
The apple pie doesn't scream when it's put in the oven.

What's the difference between Starship Enterprise and toilet paper?
Nothing they both crawl around Uranus looking for Klingons.

What do you call a New Zealander in a suit?
The defendant.

What's black and bumps into pianos?
Stevie Wonder.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
Neither has he.

What do you get when you cross a cucumber with a Mexican jumping bean?
An organic vibrator.

What's the definition of revolting?
A love bite on a turd.

What's the definition of poverty?
Toilet paper on the clothes line to dry.

Why does Jack Thompson pull himself?
For the screw he has when he's not having a screw.

What’s worse than having a dead dog on your piano?
Having an infected pussy on your organ.

Would you like a job that involves sex and travel?
Fuck off.

Why are boxers like poofters?
They both get punched around the ring a lot.

What animal has a cunt half way up its back?
A policehorse.

What's the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers?
You can only fit one cunt into a pair of knickers.

What's black and red and sits in a tree?
A crow with a fat.

Who invented the female body?
The board of works . . . who else would put a playground next to a sewer.

How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate it's tits a lot.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

How does a French girl hold her liquor?
By the ears.

What has more holes than a crumpet?
Snow White's hymen.

Why was Snow White a virgin for so long?
The dwarfs were all fucking Dopey.

What's the similarity between a tortoise and a woman?
When they're on their backs they're both fucked.

What does a wombat do?
Eats, roots, shoots and leaves.

What goes black white black white white?
A priest wanking.

Why can't you circumcise "Paul Keating"?
There's no end to the prick.

Did you hear about the guy with five pricks?
His underpants fitted him like a glove.

What did the vampire say to the teacher?
See you next period.

Did you hear about the archaeologist that found an old tampon?
He couldn't work out what period it was from.

What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's finger.

Why do women have legs?
So they don t leave snail trails.

What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a can of Aeroguard.
A fucking good weekend.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.

What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a monkey?
A bloody good screw that does it for peanuts.

What's two inches long, red, usually moist and loves oral sex?
Your tongue.

How do you make a hanky dance?
Blow a little boogie into it.

Why did the woman take thalidomide while she was knitting?
She wasn't very good at armholes.

What did the retarded child keep saying to his dog?
Down(se) Syndrome.

What's the definition of a true women's libber?
She rolls her own tampons and kick starts her menstrual cycle.

What sort of a bloke do woman hate?
A guy with a seven inch tongue, two inch prick and all he wants to do is talk.

Why couldn't Frankenstein have any kids?
His nuts were on his neck.

What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in your bath?
Throw in all the washing.

Why do people fuck wogs?
Too lazy to wank.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

What's two and a half inches long, has 56 balls and fucks ducks?
A shotgun cartridge.

What was the original name for Blacktown railway station?
Corroboree Junction.

What's black and hangs from Big Ben's hands?
Grace Sullivan's handbag.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
One ... but the bulb must want to change.

How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
None . . . real men aren't afraid of the dark

Did you hear about the invitation to the party?
It was a French letter with "come" on it.

What's black and yellow and washes cars?
Shammy Davis Jnr.

What's black and hops through the bush?
Skippy in a bush fire.

How did AIDS leave the hospital?
On crutches.

Did you hear about the lawyer?
He got legal aids.

Have you heard about the new sex disease called Hessian Herpes?
You get it from rooting old bags.

What's the definition of frenzy?
Two blind lesbians in a fish shop.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?
A computer that will never go down on you.

Why does ET walk funny?
Because of his extra testicle.

Why is ET better that a Pom?
ET went home.

What do you get from kissing budgerigars?
Chirpies.

What’s the hardest part about cooking vegies in a microwave?
Fitting the wheelchair in.

Why did Jack Newton walk into the propeller?
To halve his handicap.

How do you know when you're in love?
When she pats you on the bum and says, 'You're in love.'

Did you know that 10% of the population of Canberra have piles?
And the other 90% are perfect arseholes.

What's the difference between kangaroo meat and a vibrator?
None ... they are both meat substitutes.

What's the definition of insincerity?
Faking an orgasm while masturbating.

What's the definition of a passionate kiss?
When your tongue on the way down meets your hand on the way up.

What's the similarity between a Russian pilot and a pair of skis?
They both shoot down slopes.

Where was the Korean airliner headed?
Everyu here.

What force does it take to stop a propeller?
Half a Newton.

What's Jack Newton’s favourite meal?
Blade steak and aeroplane jelly.

What's Jack Newton's favourite song?
Drop the Pilot, by Joan Tradeanarmin

Why doesn't Jack Newton fly Qantas?
Because it costs an arm and a leg.

What's worse than playing golf with Newton?
Picking him up at the airport.

What's the NT truckies’ favourite food and drink?
Big Mack with a pub squash.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene.

What do you call a man with 10 rabbits up his bum?
Warren.

What do you call a man in a swimming pool with no arms or legs?
Bob.

What do you call an Irishman with a spade in his head?
Doug.

What do you call an Irishman without a spade?
Douglas.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a wheat field?
Russell.

What do you call a bloke with a car on his head?
Jack.

What's the difference between a Lebanese woman and a pig?
A pig doesn’t have a moustache.

What's the definition of a diaphragm?
Trampoline for dickheads.

What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't become men when they're drunk.

What happens if you put your hand up a Gypsy's dress?
Your palm gets red every 28 days.

What white and lies in the gutter?
An abo with the shit kicked out of him.

How do you get an abo out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop an abo from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What's blue and squirms in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag.

What's red and hangs from the ceiling?
A baby on a meathook.

What's red, bubbly and scratches at the window?
A baby in a microwave.

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
Reading the waffle iron.

How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
It was a blind date.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
She screamed her hands off.

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was blind too.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her for swearing?
Washed her hands with soap.

Did you hear about Helen Keller’s new book.
Around the block in 80 days.

Ever seen the Irish sex manual?
In, out, repeat if necessary.

What do you call a beautiful girl in Ireland?
A tourist.

Did you hear about the Irish car pool?
They all meet at work.

What are the three most difficult school years for an Irishman?
Second grade.

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a quarter.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Air is free.

What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
His nose breaks.

What's a Jewish dilemma?
Free ham.

What's the definition of a queer Jew?
Someone who likes girls more than money.

Why do Jewish women sometimes use gold diaphragms?
Their husbands like coming into money.

Why didn't the Negro want to marry a Mexican?
He didn't want the kids to grow up too lazy to steal.

What do you call a Jewish poofter?
He-blew.

What do you call an Irish poofter?
Gay-lick

What do you call a Chinese poofter?
Chew-man-chew.

How do you fit four poofters at a crowded bar?
Turn the stool upside down.

What did one Lesbian say to the other?
"You're face or mine?"

Why was the homosexual fired from his job the sperm band?
For drinking on the job.

How do you get a one armed Irishman out of a tree?
Wave to him.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip."

What's a statistician?
Someone who is good around figures but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned in a lake with an seasonally adjusted average depth of six inches.

How can you tell a poofter carpenter?
He's the one with a bit of (Bishop) Dowelling stuck up his arse.

What are the hardest three years for New Zealanders?
Second grade.

What does an abo call a sheet of corrugated iron?
A doona

Why do Americans talk so loudly?
So they can hear themselves over their clothes.

Why did God give Mexicans noses?
So they'd have something to pick in the off season.

What's on top of the Vietnamese hit parade?
Woking The Dog.

Why was the wheelbarrow invented in Africa?
So Negroes could learn to walk on their hind legs.

How do you get 47 Vietnamese in a Volkswagen?
Use a blender.

How do you get them out?
With corn chips.

How does a Tasmanian wipe his arse?
First he pulls up the front of his overalls, then the back, then the front.

Why did God give Italians arms?
So their fingers wouldn't smell like their armpits.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.

What do you do if you can't fit an American into a coffin?
Give him an enema and bury him in a shoe box.

What do they call the stork that delivers babies in New Zealand?
A dope peddler.

What's an Aboriginal martini?
An olive in a flagon of Muscat

What's the most effective birth control method amongst Lebanese women?
Their faces.

Have you heard the one about the two Irishmen in bed together?
They were into wife swapping.

What's Lena Horne's favourite perfume?
Eau de Doo Dah Day.

What's the bestselling adult toy in New Zealand?
Inflatable sheep.

What do you call a Jewish prostitute?
Rentl.

What are the ingredients in the aphrodisiac Irish fly?
A bottle of whisky and a brick.

Why don't New 7ealanders become chemists?
Because they can't get those little bottles in the typewriter.

What's six miles 'long and goes at four miles an hour?
A Lebanese funeral with only one set of jumper cables.

How do Negroes keep their kids from jumping on the bed?
They put velcro on the ceiling.

Did you hear about the man who was half Irish and half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

What's the best thing about being English?
You never miss phone calls because you're in the bath.

What's eight miles long and has an IQ of 40?
A St Patrick’s Day parade.

What's the definition of confusion?
Father's Day in Redfern.

What do you call a fat Chinese?
A chunk.

What do you call a Tasmanian with an IQ of 176?
A suburb.

How many people does it take to bury a Negro?
Four. One to chuck him in the grave and three to lower the ghetto blaster.

Why can't Arabs have driver education and sex education classes on the same day?
Because the camels get too tired.

What colour is an Aboriginal who's been run over by a steam-roller?
Flat black.

How do you protect yourself from fall out?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

What's pink and has seven dents in it?
Snow White’s hymen.

How do you know If you're getting great oral sex?
Your sheets start disappearing up your arse.

Where did Linda Lovelace get her start in movies?
Tonsiltown.

What's the best thing to come out of your penis when you stroke it?
The wrinkles.

What's another name for a rubber sheet?
A golden shower curtain.

What's the definition of a dildo?
A meat substitute.

What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
No one eats parsley.

What's the difference between kinky, perverted and bizarre?
If you're kinky you tickle your dick with a feather. If you’re perverted you fuck the whole chicken. If you’re bizarre you fuck a frozen chicken.

Did you hear about the impatient voyeur?
She peeked early.

What happened to the girl who went fishing with the boys?
She came home with a red snapper.

What's the best defence against rape?
Beat off the attacker.

What's Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Corduroy.

Why did God invent handicapped people?
Because if there weren't any handicapped, we’d never get a parking spot.

What was the cruellest present Helen Keller was ever given?
A paint by numbers set.

What was the cruellest present Helen Keller ever gave?
Her first paint by numbers picture.

What do one legged ballerinas wear?
Oneones.

Did you hear about the blind gynaecologist?
He was a lip reader.

Why did the wheelchair sportsman visit the doctor?
He had a bad case of athlete’s stump.

What do women and dog shit have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

What’s a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed, and it does all the housework.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they haven't got balls to scratch.

Why are women like screen doors?
Once they've been banged a few time they tend to loosen up.

What's a lap dog?
An ugly woman who gives head.

What two things can be great until your friends see you on them?
Fat women and motor scooters.

Why don’t they let women go swimming in the surf?
Because they can't get the smell out of the fish.

Why is a woman like a bank?
Because you always lose interest when you withdraw your assets.

Why don't women's guts fall out?
Because they're held in by the vacuum in their heals.

Why don't prostitutes vote?
Because they don't care who gets in.

What’s the definition of eternity?
The time between when you come and she leaves.

Why do women have cunts?
So men will talk to them.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarterpounder with cheese.

If there are three poofters in bed, what do you call the one in the middle?
A double adaptor.

How do men become homosexuals?
Sixty per cent are born gay and the other 40 percent are sucked into it

What's the definition of a hermaphrodite?
Self-sufficient.

What do lesbians need to get married?
Licker-licences.

How many poofters does it take to change a lightglobe?
Five. One to do it and four to stand around squealing "Fabulous!"

What happened when Liberace died?
Rock Hudson turned over in his grave.

Why did the lesbian cut short her overseas trip?
She missed her native tongue.

How did the homosexual know his boyfriend was cheating on him?
He came home shitfaced.

What did the dissatisfied homosexual say to his partner?
"Why do I always have to sleep on the brown spot?"

How do you tell a homosexual church service?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Where does asparagus come from?
Elephants with blackheads.

What's the difference between a dingo and a crocodile?
Dingos prefer younger women.

How do you separate two mating crocodiles?
Give them a Yank.

What does it cost to have a holiday in Northern Queensland?
An arm and a leg.

Why did the three legged dog walk into the saloon?
He wanted to get the lowdown gunslinger who shot his paw.

Why did the farmer stop screwing his mule?
He had to reach too far around to kiss her.

What’s three foot long and fucks chooks?
An axe.

What's the difference between a beer and a booger?
A beer goes on top of the table, a booger under it.

What do the Public Service and the Grosby Shoe Company have in common?
About 500,000 loafers.

What's another name for a proctologist?
A crack investigator.

Why was man invented?
Because dildos can't take out the garbage.

What's the difference between snot and broccoli?
Kids won't eat their broccoli.

Who was Tinker Bell's abortionist?
Captain Hook.

What's the difference between Elizabeth Taylor and the QE2?
It doesn't take as many tugs to get the QEII out of slips.

What do people with incurable breath do?
Become dentists.

Why does John McEnroe wear a headband?
To hide the circumcision scar.

How do you know when you are getting old?
You have dry dreams and wet farts.

How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot

How can you tell if your girlfriend is too fat?
She sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.

Why don't they let women swim in the ocean any more?
They can't get the smell out of the fish.

What's a perfect 10?
A woman about waist high, with no teeth, and a flat head that you can rest a beer on.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
"Stand back I don't know how big this thing gets".

Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can.

What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?
Kermit’s undivided attention.

What's hard and straight going in and soft and sticky coming out?
Chewing gum.

What do you get when you cross an Irishman and a gorilla?
A retarded gorilla.

What's invisible and smells like rabbit?
Bunny farts.

What's white and flies across the ocean?
Lord Mountbatten’s deck shoe.

What dances and smells of Ginger?
Fred Astaire's face.

What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinnochio as she was sitting on his face
"Tell the truth . . . tell a lie . . . tell the truth . . . tell a lie"

What's the ultimate in trust?
Two cannibals having oral sex.

What's the great Australian dream?
A million Poms swimming around Sydney heads with a wog under each arm.

What's the great American dream?
A million blacks swimming back to Africa with a Jew under each arm.

Did you hear about the advertisement for Italian army rifles?
Never been shot and only dropped once.

Why did God invent golf?
So that white people could dress up like Niggers.

How do they say "Fuck You" in Los Angeles?
"Trust Me".

What's an innuendo?
An Italian suppository.

What's brown and has holes in it?
Swiss shit.

Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
They couldn't fit all that shit into a shoe.

What do you call a Vietnamese family with one dog?
Vegetarian.

What do you call a Vietnamese family with dogs?
Ranchers.

How many Italians does it take to grease a car?
One, if you hit him right.

Did you hear about the new Israeli brand of tyres?
They not only stop on a 20c piece, they pick it up.

How do you know when a Jewish woman is having an orgasm?
She drops her emery board.

Why do Jewish women only sleep with circumcised men?
They want 20% off everything.

Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
There's a 12 month waiting list.

How can you tell when it's an Irish firing squad?
They're standing in a circle.

How do you break an Italian's fingers?
Hit him in the nose.

How do you break a Greek's finger?
Kick him in the bum.

What’s the smallest room in the world?
The Irish hall of fame.

Why don't Irish women breast feed their babies?
It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.

What's worse than Kate’s bush?
Jana’s vent.

What's the definition of endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller playing tennis.

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can appreciate them too.

How can you tell the blind guy in the nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

What goes "Marc Marc Marc"?
A dog with a hair lip.

What goes "Non Nort"?
A bull with a hair lip.

What's the perfect woman?
A blind, deaf-and dumb nymphomaniac who owns a bottle shop.

Why do Australian rules football clubs have aboriginals in their teams?
To keep the flies off the other players.

What's the difference between an Australian and a Texan cattle man?
The Australian has the bullshit on the outside of his boots.

Why does a Texan wear a ten gallon hat?
To remind him which end to wipe.

What does a Yank call his best friends wife?
A really good fuck.

Why is a Yank like a quick trip to the urinal?
All just piss and wind

How does a Yank talk to his wife when he's making love?
By telephone.

What is a fire in a garbage can?
A Greek barbecue.

Why have they declared martial law in Greece?
Because the Greeks are revolting.

What is the biggest selling book in Hungary?
1001 new wife beating methods.

What do you get for throwing petrol bombs in Ireland?
About ten Protestants to the gallon.

What did the Israeli soldier say to his wife when war broke out?
Looks like we'll have to put our holiday off for another week

How do the Japs give a manicure?
With a pair of pliers.

What is a Chinaman with 87 bayonet wounds and a hose stuck up his arse?
A Japanese sprinkler.

Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots only fly one mission?
They didn't have the guts to fly again

Who won the Lebanese beauty contest?
A passing stray camel.

Why do Sicilians go home?
So they can be murdered on their home ground.

Where is the best place to be in a nuclear holocaust?
Anywhere that you can say "What the fuck was that?"

What's more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.

What did Elvis Presley get for Xmas?
John Lennon.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the Arabs shoot down the Concorde?
With a nose like that it had to be Jewish.

Did you hear about the Irish woman with a vibrator?
She broke two teeth.

What did Helen Keller get for her birthday?
Cancer.

Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?
Because it's full of Arab semen.

Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the abos to the tip.

What's the difference between a short abo and a tall abo?
Tall abos burn longer.

What do you call an abo with a stick up his bum?
A choc wedge.

What's the difference between an elephant and grape?
A grape is purple.

What did Tarzan do when he saw the elephants charging over the hill?
He went to the nearest tree and made a trunk call and reversed the charge.

What did Tarzan do when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Put up his umbrella. (Have you ever seen an elephant come?)

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Oh, look at all those grapes!!

Hear about the Pakistani who had diarrhoea?
They thought he was melting.

What part of the anatomy are girls knickers tightest on?
A man's waist.

What's the difference between a pigeon and a mountain goat?
A pigeon mucks up fountains.

What's brown and steaming and comes out of Cowes?
The Philip Island ferry.

Why do policemen have big balls?
They sell more tickets.

Where do women have short black curly hair?
In Fiji.

What's funnier than a baby with a pick in it's head?
Nothing.

What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night?
Your head.

How do you fit 100 Jews in a Volkswagen?
Two in the front two in the back and the other 96 in the ashtray.

What doctors, ducks and swans have in common?
They can all stick their bills up their arses.

How can you tell what clan a Scotsman is from?
Lift up his kilt and if it is a quarter pounder he's a McDonald.

What's the definition of blood brothers?
Two abortions in a bucket.

What does a lake have in common with a leper's dick.
They both melt in your mouth.

How do you tell which end of a worm is the head?
Bury it in flour and wait till it fans.

Why do cow's wear bells?
Their horns don't work.

Did you hear about the hairdresser who broke both his legs?
He's now cutting hair on crutches.

What's white and hangs off power lines?
Telecum.

What animal could have changed the course of history?
The Bethlehem dingo.

Why do you have a 69er upside down?
Because the taste buds are on the top of your tongue.

How do you know when the bartender's pissed off?
There's a string hanging out your Bloody Mary.

What’s the hardest thing about a sex change from man to woman?
Inserting the anchovies.

Did you hear about Klu Klux Knievel?
He tried to jump over 14 niggers in a steam roller.

Who killed more Indians than General Custer?
Union Carbide.

What would an Alabama sheriff call a Negro who died with 87 stab wounds?
A pretty bad case of suicide.

How does an Irishman commit suicide?
He picks his nose till his head caves in.

Why don't African Negroes practice polygamy?
They already do it perfectly.

What does a New Guinea cannibal do if he hates his grandma's guts.
He pushes them to the side of his plate.

What did the New Guinea cannibal do after an argument with his brother?
He passed him in the jungle.

What does a New Guinea cannibal call a missionary?
Lunch.

What did one cannibal say to the other when the missionary arrived?
Let’s have a ball.

What has eight legs and eats shit?
Four Pakistanis having lunch.

How do you brainwash a Pakistani?
Give him an enema.

How do you kill an Italian?
Smash the toilet seat down on his head while he's having lunch.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.

Why does a penis have a knob on the end of it?
So your hand won't slip off.

How do you fit four elephants in a Mini Minor?
Two in the front and two in the back.

How can you tell in an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the foot prints in the butter.

Why do elephants hang upside down in the fridge?
So as they don't leave footprints in the butter.

How can you tell if there has been two elephants in your fridge?
There's two sets of footprints in your butter.

How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
There's a Mini Minor parked out front of your home.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don't be silly, blondes prefer the back seat of car.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but first she has to go out and pick up an electrician: or
One. She just holds the bulb while the world revolves around her.

What’s a brunette?
Blond with shit for brains.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 4 fingers in a bowling ball.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a Lamborghini?
Not everyone’s been in a Lamborghini.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
They knew how many people went down on the Titanic.

How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
She opens the car door.

Why do blondes like cars with sun-roofs?
More leg room.

And tilt steering?
More head room.

What's the mating call of a blonde?
Tehehehehehehe.

What's the mating call of an ugly blonde?
Gee I've had a lot to drink.

What's the mating call of a brunette?
Look girls, all the blondes have gone.

What's the mating call of a redhead?
NEXT.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
She gets out of bed and goes home.

How do you make a blondes eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.

What 's a Tasmanian virgin?
Any girl who can run faster than her brothers, father, uncles and cousins.

How does a Tasmanian know his mother is having her period?
His brothers dick tastes different.

What do blondes' mothers tell them on their first date?
If you're not in bed by 10 o'clock don't bother coming home.

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror in the bottom of a swimming pool.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
By the buckle mark on her forehead.

Why did God invent orgasms?
So blondes would know when to stop screwing.

What does a blonde say after sex?
"Are you all on the same team?"

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than cows?
So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on you.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men?
Her ankles.

What did the blonde do at he M&M factory?
Proof read.

What do blondes and personal computers have in common?
You don't know their worth until they go down on you.

Two blondes were walking through the woods one day when they came across some tracks. One said they were bear tracks, the other said they were deer tracks, and they were still fighting an hour later when the train ran them over.

Santa Claus, a tooth fairy, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were each standing in the four comers of a room. In the centre of the room was a bag of money. Who gets the bag of money?
The dumb blonde, the other three are imaginary characters.

Why do blondes take the pill?
So they can know what day of the week it is.

What does an abo use as a vibrator?
Two blowflies in a bottle.

How do you tell the bride at an abo wedding?
She's the one with new thongs.

Why do the abos smear shit on the walls at an abo wedding?
To keep the flies off the bride.

How do you get an abo pregnant?
Come on the ground and let the flies do the rest.

Why do abo woman lift their dresses when eating?
Keeps the flies off the food.

Did you hear that the Irish have invented a solar powered torch!
And a helicopter with ejection seats!

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

What's the quickest way to Melbourne?
Shoot down Hoddle St and then duck past the Telecom building.

And to Sydney?
Shoot through Strathfield.

What does WIFE mean?
Washing, Ironing, Fucking Etc.

What's better than skiing down the slopes of Perisher?
Driving down the slopes of Cabramatta.

What's the difference between a lover, a mistress and a wife?
A lover says ‘Darling, you're the best’, a mistress says ‘I've never had an orgasm like that before’, and a wife says ‘The ceiling needs to be re-painted.’

Did you hear about the Irishman who had to take a urine test?
He studied all weekend for it.

How do you sink an Italian battleship?
Put it in the water.

What's the difference between oral sex and sushi?
The rice.

How do you get 25 Jews into a phone box?
Throw in a dollar.

Why did the chicken cross the Basketball Court?
He heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
His knob was stuck in the chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
The pervert wouldn't stop pushing.

Where does an English family hide the money?
Under the soap.

Who won the Tasmanian beauty contest?
No-one.

What's the most dangerous job in Redfern?
Riding shotgun on the garbage truck.

What's the difference between a terrorist and woman with PMS?
You can negotiate with terrorists.

What are the five F's of dating?
Find-em, Follow-em, Finger-em, Fuckem and Forget-em.

How many members of the Starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven! Scotty tells Kirk that he has just exhausted the ship’s supply of light bulbs. Kirk decides to put a landing party down at the next planet capable of producing light bulbs. The landing party comprises Kirk, Spock, Bones, two members of ship’s security and one member of the engineering department. A Klingon Bird of Prey approaches the Enterprise and Scotty is forced to take the Enterprise out of orbit leaving the landing party on their own. The landing party is then attacked by natives and the engineering member and the two ship’s security staff are killed (as usual). Kirk, Spock and Bones are taken alive (as usual). Kirk is then challenged to a duel to the death by the Chief’s son, who Kirk defeats but does not kill (as usual). The Chief rewards Kirk with all the light bulbs he wants. By this time Scotty has managed to defeat the Klingon Bird of Prey and returns to planetary orbit to beam up the landing party to continue their five year mission.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it’s a trick question really; Klingons commit suicide for the dishonour of having their light bulb blow.

How many punks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two; one to change it the other one to kick the switch.

How many Skinheads does it take to change a light bulb?
Two; one to change it, the other to smash it again.

How many Yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two; one to mix the cocktails, the other to ring an electrician.

How many Salman Rushdies does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but you're got to find him first.

How do they punish patients in a leper colony?
They make them do jumping jacks until something falls off.

What's the definition of a jerk?
A guy who can't get a date showing up at an orgy with an artificial vagina.

What's a loser?
A guy to whom a hooker says she’s got a headache.

What's a real loser?
A guy whose hand falls asleep when he's masturbating.

Why do women like Pac-Man so much?
It's the only game where you get eaten three times for 20 cents.

How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped with the wrong hand.

What's worse than having your doctor tell you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.

What's feminine deodorant spray?
Around-the-cock protection.

Did you hear about the shepherd who was into S&M?
He put a leather leash on his sheep before he fucked her.

What's Spanish Human?
A new insecticide that makes flies so horny they screw themselves to death.

What's a shepherd's favourite song?
I’m in love with ewe...ewe...ewe.

What's a vampire's favourite kind of music?
Ragtime.

How did Count Dracula die?
He bit a leukemia patient and got food poisoning.

What meal do cannibals make with politicians?
Baloney sandwiches.

What’s the special at cannibal fast food restaurants?
An all beef missionary, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, onions on a sesame bun.

What’s a dermatologist's favourite film?
Skin flicks.

Why did Dolly Parton’s teeth fall out?
Her dentist couldn’t reach.

What did one old maid say to the other?
Let's go down to the cucumber patch and do push-ups.

What's the difference between a woman and volcano?
Volcanoes never fake eruptions.

Why does a cow have a long face?
If you had your tits pulled twice daily, but were only fucked once a year, you’d have a long face two.

Did you hear about the Irishman who used drink as a substitute for women?
His dick got stuck in the bottle.

Why is sun-tanned girl like roast turkey?
Because the white meat is the best.

What's a perfect secretary?
One who takes dictation on both knees.

What are the two most useless things in the world?
A man’s tits and the Pope’s balls.

What are the words a man least likes to hear?
Only if you show me your vasectomy scar first.

What's the difference between hard and light?
You can sleep with a light on.

How many Freudian Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb, the other to hold his penis, I mean light bulb.

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. Seven to hold a woman’s working group as to whether the hiring of a handyperson is a sexist thing to do and one to ring up her ex-boyfriend to change it.

How many Tasmanians does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?

What does a compere say at the end of an Australian TV show?
Good night, I love youse all.

And a New Zealand TV show?
Good night. I love all ewes.

And a Tasmanian TV show?
TV? In Tasmania?

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

How many Dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
6 or 9.

What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will fuck everyone and a bitch fucks everyone but you.

How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Well that's a trick question. You don't have believe in light bulbs to be an Anglican.

How many Catholic's does it take to change a light bulb?
I don’t know; is there an underlying theological statement in ‘Light Bulb’?

How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
Allah has said that light bulbs are the servant of Satan and should be destroyed.

How many Carl Sagans does it take to change light bulb?
Billieions and Billieions.

What is a woman?
Something to lie on while you’re having a root.

Did you here that they strip searched Rosanne Barr for drugs at the airport?
All they found was 14 inches of crack.

Aussie male foreplay No 1.
You awake/

Aussie male foreplay No 2.
Brace yourself, Raelene.

Aussie male foreplay No 3.
Make yer a cuppa after?

Why are Aussie men so quick in bed?
So they can get back to the pub and tell their mates all about it.

Why do Aussie men do it with their eyes closed?
They can’t stand to see women enjoying themselves.

Did you hear about the Irish punter who lost $1000 on the Melbourne Cup?
And $500 on the replay.

How do you set up a Kiwi in a small business?
Buy him a big business and wait.

If a paddock full of Irishmen is called a Paddy Field, what is a paddock full of Australian men called?
A vacant lot.

Why wasn't Christ born in Tasmania?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

How does an Aussie woman gain her man’s attention?
She drops her handkerchief . . . after wrapping it around a can of beer.

What's a well balanced Aussie?
He’s got a chip on both shoulders.

Why do you piss in the bushes at Aussie parties?
Because there's always someone chundering in the toilet.

How do you get an Irishman on the roof?
Tell him that drinks are on the house.

The Japanese have finally made a camera so fast it will actually take a picture of my wife with her mouth shut.

What does a Double Bay widow wear to her husband’s funeral?
A black tennis dress.

What’s a Aussie poofter?
A guy that prefers girls to beer.

Why are Queensland politicians like bananas?
They start off green, turn yellow and finally become bent.

How does an Aussie girl know she has been raped?
The cheque bounces.

Name three AFL teams whose name start with F?
Footscray, Fitzroy and Fucking Collingwood.

Why are scientists having trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
They can’t get laboratory mice to butt fuck each other.

Why don’t Aboriginals like blowjobs?
They don’t like any jobs.

Why did the guy call his dog Herpes?
Because he wouldn't heel.

Why are scientists breeding Mexicans instead of laboratory mice?
They breed faster and you don’t get so attached to them.

What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?
A Manila folder.

When a man and a woman get married they need a marriage licence. What do lesbians need?
A licker license.

What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
Nothing much grows in the shade.

How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A Jew dropped five cents down a rabbit hole.

What’s the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your Vasectomy.

Why are toy electric trains like a woman’s tits?
They were both originally intended for children but its men who play with them.

Why did they take John Wayne toilet paper off the market?
Because it was rough, tough and didn't take shit from anybody.

What’s the height of conceit?
Shouting your own name at orgasm.

Why is pubic hair curly?
If it was straight it would poke you in the eve.

What's the fourth biggest lie in the world?
"It's only a cold sore."

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you've got a good hand, you don't need partner.

What is the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new Mercedes.

What's the height of precaution?
Putting a condom on your vibrator.

What's the definition of a lesbian?
Just another damn woman doing a man’s job.

Why are cowgirls bow-legged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What’s the definition of virginity?
A big issue over a little tissue.

Why haven’t aboriginals caught AIDS yet?
The Government hasn't given it to them.

Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can.

Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights?
Cause they haven't got any balls to scratch.

What's the difference between a light and a hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for, she's going to eat me.

What's the difference between a clitoris and a bar in a pub?
All men can find the bar.

See Jeff Fenech is going to star in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
It's called Shut Up Yous.

Why were foreheads invented?
Somewhere to kiss a girl after she's given you a headjob.

What do you call a Greek with a tampon on his head?
Abzorba the Greek.

What smells worse than an anchovy?
An anchovy’s cunt.

Did you hear about Woody Allan's new movie?
It's called "Honey I Fucked The Kids".

Why can’t Gipsies have babies?
Because their husbands have crystal balls.

What's the difference between having a job and being married for 10 years?
A job still sucks after 10 years.

What’s worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Being fingered by Captain Hook.

Is sex better than pot?
It depends who the pusher is.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm?
You'd better hang on to your nuts. This is no ordinary blow job.

Did you hear about the new German microwave?
It seats 6.

What do you have when two Niggers are in a shoe box?
A pair of black loafers.

Did you hear about Klu Klux Knievel?
He tried to jump over 8 Niggers with steam-roller.

How do you get a Nigger out of a tree in Alabama?
Cut the rope.

Why do Niggers always have sex on their minds?
Because they have pubic hair on their heads.

What do the Rubik’s Cube and a penis have common?
The longer you play with it the harder it gets.

Why isn't being a penis all it’s cracked up to be?
You have a head but no brains, there’s always a couple of nuts following you around, your next door neighbour is an arsehole and your best friend is a cunt.

What do soya beans and dildos have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven’s first movement.

What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?
Twenty pounds and a black dress.

How can you identify Dolly Parton’s kids at a party?
They're the ones with stretch marks around their mouths.

What part of Popeye never rusts?
The part he puts in Olive Oyl.

Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
Because Ronald can only fuck up.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.

Why did they have to call off the leper’s hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.

What do you call a legless man water-skiing?
Skip.

Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Why are the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper similar?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

When does a Cub become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What’s the difference between your sister and Cadillac?
Not everyone’s been in a Cadillac.

What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hare.

One day these two girls were hired to clean this guy's house. While they were there the airconditioner broke so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is here and it's so hot in here, let's take off our clothes." The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. "Blind man," the person answered. The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he can't see us," so she let him in. As soon as the blindman stepped in he said, "Nice tits, where do you want these blinds?"

There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female, who always stared at each other. One day, a wizard came up to them and said, "This is your 200th anniversary so I am going to give you just 30 minutes of humanity so spend it well." The wizard waved his wand and the two statues went behind one of the big trees and the wizard heard giggles, laughs and saw a little hanky panky but nothing much. After fifteen minutes they came out exhausted and the wizard asked why don't they do it again so as not to waste their 15 minutes. The male statue said to the female statue "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I crap on it."

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Tom Said,
I think I'll get engaged", Tom proposed marryly.
"That's my favorite song", Tom said off the record.
"I'll have to make another pastry", Tom retorted.
"I love mathematics!!", Tom added.
"Look it's Free Willy!!", Tom wailed out.
"I dropped my toothpaste", Tom said crestfallen.
"I just got a pacemaker", Tom said half-heartedly.
"I couldn't perform!" Tom said limply.
"I'm not sure if I'm a homosexual", said Tom, half in Ernest.

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks his dick in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?". The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".

This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and arm. As he was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he lit a match, his arm then caught on fire and in a panic he quickly rolled down the window and stuck his arm out to extingish the flame. The police pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm.

A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest. The doctor said; that's strange. How did you get the red "H" on your chest? The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and loved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we make love." Several days later; another woman came into the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed, the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said: "Your boyfriend must have gone to Michigan." The woman responded" "I don't know what you are talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis. The man goes for it and has a humongous penis. One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriend’s, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table. The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?" The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".

Today most doctors specialize. My own doctor's speciality seems to be banking. And dentists are not exactly poor either. In fact, dental practices are so lucrative that the American Dental Association is thinking of changing it's motto to: "Put your money where your mouth is."

A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"

This woman goes into a dentist's office. After he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks "Did you kill them?'' "Yes", she replies. "What did you do with the bodies?" "I threw them in the pool.'' ... pause ... "Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?"

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full." "Yes Sir.

I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine. "Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks." "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains. The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"

A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real attractive lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink. The lady says "thats a disgusting looking frog you got there." The guys says, "Yeah well lemmie tell ya something... this here frog is THE BEST damn pussy eater you ever seen." The lady is outraged and says so then promptly gets up and moves across the bar. A few hours pass.... The lady has had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog... So she staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK prove it!". They run get a hotel room... The lady gets naked and is lying on the bed with legs spread open wide. The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then demands, "GO HOMER!".... The frog lays there... He commands again... "GO HOMER" The frog still does nothing.... He picks up the frog and tosses into the corner and says, "If I've shown ya once ... I've shown ya 1000 times ... now watch how its done!"

Coincidences Concerning Deaths Of US Presidents Lincoln And Kennedy

Lincoln was elected in 1860 & Kennedy was elected in 1960.
Both were concerned with Civil Rights.
Both their wives lost children while at the White House.
Both were succeeded by men named Johnson.
Both successors were Southerners.
Andrew Johnson was born in 1808 & Lyndon Johnson was born in 1908.
Both Lincoln and Kennedy were shot in the head from behind.
In both cases their wives were present when they were shot.
Both were assassinated by Southerners favouring unpopular ideas.
Both assassinated were shot before their trial.
John Wilkes Booth who shot Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald who shot Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins have fifteen letters in their names.
Both presidents had been warned of danger before their deaths.
Lincoln’s secretary whose name was Kennedy, warned him not to go to the theatre.
Kennedy’s secretary whose name was Lincoln, warned him not to go to Dallas.
Booth ran from the theatre after he shot Lincoln and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse after he shot Kennedy and was captured in a theatre.

------The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes------

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertaion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billeons and billeons.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by blanks".

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and the other to squeal "Fabulous!"

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark.")

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside.)

Q: How many Yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yuppies don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001. One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many (ethnics) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many strong (ethnics) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q: How many (ethnic) gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he gets three credits for it!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50. One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

Q: How many members of the Mission Impossible team does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super- high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Q: How many members of the Starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. Scotty tells Kirk that he has just exhausted the ship’s supply of light bulbs. Kirk decides to put a landing party down at the next planet capable of producing light bulbs. The landing party comprises Kirk, Spock, Bones, two members of ship’s security and one member of the engineering department. A Klingon Bird of Prey approaches the Enterprise and Scotty is forced to take the Enterprise out of orbit leaving the landing party on their own. The landing party is then attacked by natives and the engineering member and the two ship’s security staff are killed (as usual). Kirk, Spock and Bones are taken alive (as usual). Kirk is then challenged to a duel to the death by the Chief’s son, who Kirk defeats but does not kill (as usual). The Chief rewards Kirk with all the light bulbs he wants. By this time Scotty has managed to defeat the Klingon Bird of Prey and returns to planetary orbit to beam up the landing party to continue their five year mission.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many Ivy League students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I'm not sure myself, but you better have the insurance to pay for it!

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - All the other times.
MARRIAGE - What's intercourse?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is silent.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST- When you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When it's just the same old mushy shit.
MARRIAGE - When you never listen to music.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE - When you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - When you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - When you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

Words not yet in the dictionary:

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will ‘remove’ all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Mir Scientists Study Effects Of Weightlessness On Mortal Terror

Korolyov, Russia

U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than has ever been known about the scientific relationship between weightlessness and mortal terror.

"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favourable conditions for learning about spaceborne panic."

The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly terrified beyond lucidity. Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir:
a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurised the Spektr module;
last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable;
and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire.

All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads. "They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term 'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."

"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC News reporters "I want my Mommy!" "Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.

Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'"

Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'"

Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'"

The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant.

"Fill her up with high test," replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is dat?" he asks, "I never seen one like it befer."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy, is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "thata be something."

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"Thata be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.

"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of everything."

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "Can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss' positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35."

She: "How much for the black one?"

He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

He: "$35."

She: "How much for the white one?"

He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

She: "Hmmmmm .... how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He:"Well, that's a very special dildo ... it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

A gorilla escapes from the zoo one day and runs into a suburban area, where it climbs up a tree belonging to one Mr. Jones and won't come down. Naturally, Jones is a bit worried about the gorilla, and so calls the local gorilla exterminator.

The exterminator arrives with a shotgun and a big mean Doberman. "Mr. Jones, isn't it? I hear you have a gorilla problem. Well, you see, my assistant is out sick today, and I could use your help. Can you take me to the gorilla, first of all?"

Jones leads the exterminator to the tree where the gorilla is.

"Okay," says the exterminator. "I'll need you to hold the shotgun. I'm going to loosen the dog, and climb up this tree. When I get to the gorilla , I'll give the branch a good shake and he'll come falling out of the tree. Once he does, old Fido here is trained to jump on the gorilla and bite good and hard into his testicles, and he'll be helpless while I put the chains on him."

"I see," says Jones. "But, then, what is the gun for?"

"Oh, the gun is the most important part," says the exterminator. "If, by some chance, I should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla ... SHOOT THE DOG!"

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity.

He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 : A "Don't remind me again" Button, Minimize Button, an InstallShield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another annoying problem, all versions of Girlfriend contiinually popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING ***** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you : try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,claiming insufficient system resources.

***** BUGWORK-AROUNDS ***** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down the window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how gorgeous the driver was - drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am .... could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet ..." replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration ..... what's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes," replied the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Uh...yes," replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"WHAT? I can't do that. It's ... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me ... just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs. "Oh no ... not ANOTHER breathalyzer."

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later ...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later ...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later ...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right. Get up and get your own damn blanket.

A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army. His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees, and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can only see the letters W and Y. The woman, feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis, says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting. I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too." The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica; have a nice day!"

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ..." and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the partying spirit.

Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, "Put this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and that is gonna be painful as hell to get out."

So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1am, 2am, 3am and no sign of Cinderella. Finally she comes home at 4am.

The fairy-godmother was distraught. "What on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon? I've been worried sick about you."

"Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named Peter-Peter."

Product Announcement: Introducing FeMail!

This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communication from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content. Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help you decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In

every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing logic. The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendoes (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other Mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone else's FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to

overcome this minor glitch. Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system. Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!

A rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," she asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

Better save that.; we'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again ...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This one is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Top Signs of Internet Addiction

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the toilet and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tattoo that reads "Best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.1 or higher."
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop checking your email messages
5. You decide to stay in uni for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
9. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
10. You refer to going to the toilet as downloading.
11. You start introducing yourself as "Tony at I-I-Net dot net dot com dot au".
12. All of your close friends have an @ in their names.
13. You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
14. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. Surely there must be a message somewhere nearby?
15. Your phone bill comes to your front door in a box.
16. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
17. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
18. You tell the cab driver you live at http://2.pearson.cres/house/brick.html.
19. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
20. You use Yahoo or Infoseek to look up the local Pizza delivery shop.

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It's like deja vu all over again."
- Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
- A congressional candidate in Texas

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
- Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
- Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
- General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

A rather inhibited electrical engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered-not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom-and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too ... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just ... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!"

There were 2 blokes standing on the edge of a precipice, the first with a budgie in his hand and the second with a parrot in his. The first bloke clutched his budgie tightly and leapt off the edge, falling to land in a mangled heap at the bottom. The second bloke took a gun from his pocket, shot his parrot in the head, and then he too leapt, likewise landing in a mangled mess at the bottom. The first mangled mess stirred slightly, and a voice was heard to rasp "I don't go much on this budgie jumping!" The second body stirred and replied, "And I'm not too keen on this parrot-shooting!"

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything ... where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.

Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

Willie was a Chemist, but Willie is no more. What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

For years, it has long been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they "suck dark". Thus, we should call these bulbs "Dark Suckers".

The "Dark Sucker" theory and the existence of dark suckers, proves that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the car-park have a greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in the room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of dark, flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves & must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When a Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied (or replaced) before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. This why it is called light.

Finally we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room, in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so very fast you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

The male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Attendance in at least 10 is mandatory:

1. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
2. Doing Housework Without Complaining
3. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
4. Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
5. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
6. Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
7. Sex: Learning How to Initiate
8. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
9. Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
10. Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
11. The Toilet Seat: I Can Put It Down
12. Sex Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
13. "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
14. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
15. The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
16. You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
17. Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger -- But You're Acceptable
18. Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)
19. Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
20. Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
21. Sex: More Than Just Lying There
22. Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
23. Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
24. Makeup: The Less is More Theory
25. Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

An older woman was doing her exercises in front of the mirror, admiring her figure. He husband asked her, "What are you looking at?" She said, "I'll have you know that my aerobics instructor says I have the chest of a 23-year-old woman!" "Yah, well what did he say about your 60-year-old ass?" "Dear, you were never mentioned."

In order to test the national character of Spaniards, Frenchmen, Englishmen and Russians a scientist put two men and a woman from each nationality on a series of desert islands and left them for several months. When he returned to the island where he had deposited the Spanish trio, he found the woman alone and asked about the men. "Oh, they have shot each other dueling over me'', she said in disgust. At the English island, the three people were standing in the same separate corners where they had been left. When the scientist asked why, one of the men replied, "You forgot to introduce us properly.'' At the French island, things were in perfect order and one man was tending a well-manicured garden. How had it been so well organized and where was the other couple, the scientist inquired. "Simple'', explained the gardening Frenchman. "For three months, he was her lover. For three months, I was. Now it is his turn again and they are off somewhere while I do the gardening.'' Finally, at the Russian island, the scientist came upon the two men holding a meeting, seated at a green felt-topped table, drinking bottled narzan, soda water, and making boring speeches to each other. "Where is the woman?'' the scientist asked. "The masses'', declared one man with masculine condescension, "are in the fields working.''

Two men and a woman were shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few months, the woman became so ashamed of what she'd been doing she killed herself. After a while later, the men became so ashamed of what they'd been doing they buried her. After a while longer, the men became so ashamed of what they'd been doing the dug her up again.

Two women who hadn't seen each other for a while met at the mall. One said to the other, "Agnes, it's been so long. I heard you even got married." "Yes," the second said, "I married a lawyer, and an honest man, too!" "Hmmm," said the first woman, "Isn't that bigamy?"

An englishman, a frenchman and an italian are sitting around discussing their sexual achievements.

Frenchman: After I've made love to my wife I pour champagne all over her body and lick it off and she raises six inches off the bed in sheer pleasure.

Italian: After I've made love to my wife I pour pasta sauce all over her body and lick it off and she raises twelve inches off the bed in sheer erotic pleasure!

Englishman: After I've made love to my wife I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!

Ever had sex rodeo style? Mount your wife from behind and tell her, "That's the way my girlfriend and I do it", then try to stay on for eight seconds ...

"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company." "Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious -- she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg." "That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted up the back passage. To this the man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing up his behind. The doctor then gives him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "Whats the matter," said his wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

At the circus the lion tamer gets sick and a replacement must be found before the next show, so a call goes out to the entertainment community looking for another animal trainer. Two people respond for the job, a man and a woman. When they arrive for an audition, the circus manager sends the woman in the cage first and to see if she's got the right stuff, he sends out the biggest and meanest lion in his menagerie. The lion seems to be in no mood to be tamed this day and endlessly circles the woman getting more threatening at every pass. He knocks the chair out of her hand with a swipe of his paw. The next swipe dispatches her whip. A third swipe knocks the gun out of her hand leaving her completely defenseless. As the lion closes in for the kill, the woman rips open her blouse, displaying a bodacious set of knockers. The lion stops dead in his tracks and lies down as she allows him to cuddle and lick her tits. The circus manager then turns to the male waiting for his audition and asks, "Do you so suppose you can do as well as that?" He replies, "Bet yer ass, but first get that damn lion outta there."

A young newly wed couple enter their honeymoon "suite" ( which is conveniently located above the bride's parent's grocery store ). Being devout the couple have never even SEEN each other partly-naked. As the groom removes his shirt, the bride sees that he has a very hairy chest. Immediately she runs down to her mother's shop. "Momma, Momma!!!" "What is it dear?" "It's Bob, he has sooo much hair on his chest!" "That's ok dear. Real men have a lot of hair on their chests." Calmed a bit by her mother's reassurance, the bride returns to her room just in time to see her husband remove his pants. Again she runs down to her mother's shop. "Momma, Momma!!!" "What is it dear?" "It's Bob, he has sooo much hair on his legs!" "That's ok dear. Real men have a lot of hair on their legs." Again calmed by her mother's reassurance the bride returns to her room. Upon arriving she sees that her husband has taken off his shoes and is astonished to see that one of her spouse's feet is gnarled and half the size of the other. So, down she goes again. "Momma, Momma!!!" "What is it THIS time dear?" "It's Bob, he has a foot and a half!" "Stand back dear, this is a job for your mother!!"

The British Military require submission of Officer Fitness Reports (OFRs) on their staff. The following are actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines OFRs:

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

A Physicist and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The Physicist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Physicist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Physicist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Physicist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Physicist. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Physicist. "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Physicist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Honeywell MCS6000 satellite telephone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Physicist more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Physicist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

You might be a physics major if...

Due to the enormous workload involved in physics classes combined with stress and lack of sleep, physics students often forget (either by accident, defense mechanism, or intentionally) what their major really is. Thus, as a physics major, I took it upon myself to create a small list of indicators to help us all remember what we really are.

You might be a physics major...
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as a physics major. I hope this clears up any confusion.

The Canonical List Of Sorority Girl Jokes

What's a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
1) You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
2) You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
3) You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.

How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more.

What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
Sorority girls cost less per score.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.

How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.

What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
1) Introduce herself.
2) Walks home.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.

What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to Mi-ammmmi."

What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do.

Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.

How do you get a sorority girl between your sheets?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the bed.

Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.

What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.

What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.

What is a sorority girl's mating call?
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.

What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?
1) Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl/lawyer won't do.
2) I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
3) I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it doesn't stop until it gets blood.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
1) 2; one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
2) 7; one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
3) 65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
4) 1; she holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
5) 6; one to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
6) 10; nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her boyfriend to do it.

Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.

What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"

Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.

What is a sorority girl's favourite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.

What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
1) The Dead Sea
2) Lake Michigan
3) Lake Placid

How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.

What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
Nail polish.

How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once

What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
1) You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
2) Only one person can use a telephone at once.

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
1) Garbage smells better.
2) Sorority girl attract more flies.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
1) Nothing. They both suck.
2) You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
3) You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
4) When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, its easy to dump the old bag.
5) A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
1) Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
2) Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.

What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a sorority girl track team?
The tribe of sly pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"

Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and Sorority girls have in common?
They both swallow semen.

What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A case of Schlitz.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsley?
You don't eat parsley.

Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
They are both stuck up cunts.

What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."

What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
Reservations.

Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.

What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
Thirty minutes of begging.

What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
Oh, Daaaaddy, it's ok, I'm not hurt.

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority girl?
A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're done already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Is There Really a Santa?

No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organism yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.

There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total; 378 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get back in the sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means that Santa's sleigh is travelling at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, while the average reindeer runs at 15 miles per hour.

The sleigh’s payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321300 tons not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point one) could pull ten times the usual amount, we can not do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2 oceanliner.

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

Conclusion : There was a Santa, but he's dead now.

An old prospector walks into town with his mule after being in the hills for about six months. He walks into the saloon and orders a beer.

"Where can I find a woman around here?" he asks the bartender.

"We ain't got none," replied the bartender.

"Ain't got no women? So whaddaya do?"

"Well," said the bartender, "we got Old Joe out back."

"Hey," said the prospector in a sour tone, "I don't go for that shit!"

"Suit yourself," the bartender replied.

The prospector finished his beer, bought some supplies and headed out of town. He returned about three months later, walked into the same saloon and ordered a beer.

"Got any women in town yet?" asked the prospector.

"Nope," replied the bartender, "just Old Joe out back."

"Forget that!" the prospector yelled, "I don't go for that shit!"

The prospector again rode out of town, back to the hills. He returned in three months, and walked into the saloon.

"Gimmie a beer -- say, are there any women in town now?"

"No," said the bartender, "same as before, we just got Old Joe out back."

The prospector scratched his beard and thought for a minute. "Well, I am hornier than a billy goat. If I did do it with Old Joe, how many people would know about it?" asked the prospector.

"Five," replied the bartender.

"Five!," cried the prospector, "how come so many?"

"Well, there's you, me, and the two guys to hold Old Joe down -- he don't go for that shit either!"

A young lady walks into a doctors surgery...

"Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge"

The Doc lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "How does that feel?"

"Oooh doctor that feels lovely ... but the discharge is from my ear!"

A man and his wife went to see a sex therapist. The therapist asked the couple what the problem was. The couple stated that their sex life was boring. The wife stated that was the same way all the time. The man went on to say it was on the same days all the time. The therapist asked if they ever felt an urge to do something different and at a different day than normal. Both the man and wife responded that they do feel urges but don't want to ask the other. The therapist told the couple that the next time they felt like making love they should, it doesn't matter what day it is, and to try something new.

The next week they came back to see the therapist. The therapist asked how everything was going. The husband stated that he and his wife were enjoying a fine meal when he felt the urge to fuck his wife up the ass. He asked his wife who, based on what therapist recommended, was willing to try. The man explained that he then pulled his wife under the table and started to fuck her up the ass.

The therapist said that is great progress they re making.

The wife agreed but stated "Yes, but we're not allowed back at that restaurant!"

Headaches

Jim was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Jim tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ...16 and a half neck"

Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Jim adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Jim was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Jim's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 ... E."

Jim was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jim walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Jim said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Jim's head and said, "Let's see ... 7-5/8."

Jim was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Jim was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Jim thought for a second and said, "Sure ..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Jim's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."

Jim laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines ... no pulse ... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage #1 – Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting arguement when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the oppertunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage #3 – Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage #4 – Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challange him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might errupt if he loses.

Stage #5 -- Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.

107 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
6. BEER is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs.
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. BEER doesn't blow you off.
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around.
80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute".
81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. BEER tastes *good*.
96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.
101. A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
102. A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
103. A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
106. A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.

Two men, working in the local sausage factory, were getting a little bored with themselves when one said to the other "I'll give you ten bucks if you stick your dick in the sausage cutter!"

"NO WAY!" replied his mate.

"OK, twenty bucks" the first said.

Again the offer was refused. He then offered him fifty and his mate finally agreed. No sooner had he put it in when the supervisor walked in, caught red handed and promptly sacked him.

When he got home his wife asked him why he was home so early.

"I got the bullet putting my dick into the sauage cutter" he admitted sheepishly.

"WHAT!!!" she yelled. "Let me have a look!"

He showed her his dick and she found it did not have a scratch on it. "What about the sauage cutter?" she asked, puzzled.

"She got the sack too!"

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "yeah, you think that is bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, smelly room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright ... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

"How does that feel?" she asked.

"It feels great." he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Three guys were playing a round of golf, but they got stuck behind a very slow golfer. They are all yelling vulgarities at him, when the owner of the course comes out and tells them that the slow man is blind. The firstguy says:"I feel so terrible that I have said such things to a disadvantaged person". The second guy says the same thing. The third guy says "Why can't the fucker play at night?"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Software Design Methodology OR The Toaster

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he saidThe king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. A Pentium with 32MB of memory, a 2GB hard disk, and a SVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

Warning ... These new viruses could be heading your way:

HUBBLE VIRUS: Zooms in on your screen until all you can see is one huge pixel. Unfortunately, it is three feet to the left (or right) of your screen.

NEW HUBBLE VIRUS: As for Hubble, but corrects the focus so it is now one foot to the right (or left) of your screen.

SHAREWARE VIRUS: All programs stop every few minutes to ask for more money.

LAND RIGHTS VIRUS: Half the memory chips stop working because they are on sacred parts of the motherboard.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Renames key functions on your PC (e.g. motherboard becomes homemaker function area).

KEN DONE VIRUS: Turns on all colours in the palette at once and bounces fluorescence of your retina. If this virus appears, get sunglasses!

GREEN VIRUS: Refuses print commands, to save paper.

ULTRAGREEN VIRUS: PC refuses to do anything, in case of ultramagnetic waves.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Will not allow you to delete any file, regardless of age, health or condition. If you attempt to erase ANY data it requires you to seek the advice of a counsellor about possible alternatives.

There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbour's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbours would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.

Phasers
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbour's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbour has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbour's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbour complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbour's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.

Shields
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

Shopping with Shields Up
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but. . . erk!'

And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns, smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

Whoa! He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes.

"I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!"

The man extends his hand and replies,

"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

In the land of cannibals, a woman walks into the butcher shop to buy brains. The butcher says he has "brains of secretary" for $3.00 a pound. She asks what else he has, and he says he has "brains of analyst" for $6.00 a pound. She says that is probably okay, but what about those other brains. He says they are too expensive. She asks what they are and how much they cost. He says they are "brains of vice president" for $600.00 a pound.

She says, if brains of secretary are $3 a pound and brains of analyst are $6 a pound, how can brains of vice president be $600 a pound?

He says, "Lady, do you know how many vice presidents it takes to get a pound of brains?"

A farmer is sitting on his front porch one summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says. "I'll get my hat."