I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before OR after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car. I will scooch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then deposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

If we do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

A Dog's Prayer
Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness then the loving heart of me.

Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet, please take me inside...for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer use to bitter elements....and I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth... though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land... for you are my god... and I am your devoted worshipper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that, I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to ptotect you with my life, should your life be in danger.

And beloved master, should the Great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest.... and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.

By Beth Norman Harris