The Top 10 Things You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500
10. Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race.
9. My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!
8. Hey, you with the large breasts-out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!
7. Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attache case.
6. What a coincidence, Hank! All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!
5. These are even better seats than we had for the Michael Bolton concert!
4. Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor...
3. Whew! No more beer for me, fellas...
2. Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.
and the Number 1 Thing You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500...
1. ..... and now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!
Top Ten Reasons It Took Me 20
Years To Win The Daytona 500
as presented by Dale Earnhardt
on Late Show with David
Letterman - February 1998)
10. It took me 19 years to realize I had the emergency brake on.
9. Finally rotated and balanced my mustache.
8. Quit training with the Canadian snowboarding team.
7. Stopped letting my 300-pound cousin Ricky ride shotgun.
6. New strategy: pretend I'm Dave driving home on the Merritt Parkway.
5. Who cares that it took me 20 years -- at least my name isn't Dick Trickle.
4. Just figured out that if you mash the gas pedal all the way down, the car takes off like a son-of-a-gun.
3. My new pit crew -- The Spice Girls.
2. This year whenever I passed somebody I gave them the finger.
and the Number 1 Reason It Took Me 20 Years to Win The Daytona 500...
1. My secret to success: one can of motor oil in my engine, one can of motor oil in my pants!
Top Ten NASCAR Driver Pet Peeves
as presented by Winston Cup Champion, Dale
Jarrett
on Late Show with David
Letterman December 1999
10. Winning a race, then getting passed on the way home by some dork in a Hyundai.
9. You're 8 laps down and the only advice your pit crew comes across with is Go faster."
8. Kids in the back keep asking, "Are we at lap 236 yet?"
7. Right in the middle of the race, your N'Sync tape gets chewed up.
6. You're doing 200 and Letterman still passes you.
5. After a fill-up, your pit crew doesn't give you a free NFL drinking glass.
4. Guys who think they have a lot in common with you because they once did 70 on the Interstate.
3. I won the Winston Cup, but did they send me any free smokes? Hell no.
2. Telling crew chief you need to use the restroom and he says, "Well, you should have thought of that before you left the house, mister."
and the Number 1 NASCAR Driver Pet Peeve...
1. Guys who only drive 160 in the left-hand lane.
This next one is not NASCAR related, but it is a Top 10 list & its from our Nashville Predators & its funny, so get off me!
Top Ten Nashville Predators Pick-Up Lines
as presented by
"Cap'n" Tom Fitzgerald from the Nashville Predators
on Late
Show with David Letterman (May
7, 1999)
10. I'll show you my Willie Nelson if you show me your Judds
9. I may be a Predator, but I'm also a Titan
8. Let me introduce you to my expansion team
7. Unlike those figure skating dudes, I'm all man
6. Remember when you said you'd go out with me the day Nashville gets a hockey team?
5. I still have all my teeth
4. Let's go back to my place and play Crook and Chase
3. Our sport may not be as cool as baseball, basketball, football, boxing, golf or soccer, but I still make a ton of green
2. If you think Al Gore's stiff, you should check me out
1. Nice Goo Goos
Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty
Accountant Jokes
(again, not racing
related, but its tough finding good humor about my chosen
profession so here it is anyway)
10. I didn't notice her 1099s, but she sure had nice W-2s.
9. I've never seen someone deplete his reserves twice in one
night.
8. Looks like Charles just got Schwabed.
7. Now there's a box I'd like to check.
6. That's not what I meant when I asked you to liquidate my
holdings.
5. I guess she'd never seen such an impressive sustainable growth
rate.
4. If I could handle my own extension, I'd never leave the house.
3. Well, would you believe me if I said I was just checking your
wife for hidden assets?
2. Hurry -- it's depreciating rapidly.
1. I guess there is a penalty for early withdrawal.
How was that? Want some more? Click here for a TON of racing related "Top 10" lists from the R.A.S.N. Usenet group. They're outrageous and cover just about every hot tabloid subject imaginable. Some of them get "close to the edge" at times (maybe over) so proceed with caution!