1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience nsitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

1.Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2.Man who lay woman on ground, gets peace on earth.

3.Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.5.Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

6.Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

7.Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8.Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

9.Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10.He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11.Baseball all wrong--man with four balls cant walk.

12.Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13.Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14.Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.

15.Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16.Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17.Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18.Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

19.Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.

20.Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

21.Fly who rest on toilet seat, get pissed off!

22.Girl who douche with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.

23.He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

24.Man who scratch ass, should not bite fingernails.

25.Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it.

26.House without toilet is uncanny.

27.If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

28.It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

29.Man who screw in pantry, have ass in jam.

30.Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

31.Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.

32.Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

33.Man who stand on toilet, get high on pot.

34.Secretary not permanent till screwed on desk.

35.Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.

36.War never determine who right, just who's left.

37.A bird in hand make hard to blow nose.

38.It take square ass to shit brick.

1. Always give 100% at work:

2. One good thing about Alzheimer's is that you get to meet new people every day.

3. I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

4. Kentucky: 5,000,000 people; 15 last names.

5. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

6. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

7. If ignorance is a bliss, why aren't more people happy?

8. Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!

9. To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question..... or is it?

10. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let him sleep.

11. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

12. I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

15. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

16. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There is almost always something to be thankful for; for example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

A Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone, somewhere in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge ...... mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

The mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!