One Liners.........

Don't lose your head in battle......where would you put your helment?

A mother of three notoriously unruly kids was asked, "If you had it to do over again, would you have children?"
"Yes," she replied, "But not the same ones."

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be it's parent.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing, is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Humor is the hole that lets the sawdust out of a stuffed shirt.

One thing you can say for kids, at least they never bore you with cute things thier parents say.

The people who tell you never let little things worry you have never tried sleeping in the same room with a mosquito.

A smile is a light in your face that shows your heart is home.

In the long run a pessimist may be proven right, but the optimist has more fun on the trip.

A pessimist is someone who feels bad when she feels good for fear she will feel worst when she feels better.



A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."

 When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.
"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "thou shall not kill."

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."





EVER WONDER............

If you throw a cat out of a window does it become kitty litter?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

A sweater is something worn by a child when his mother is cold?

The people hardest to relate to, are the people you are relate to?

IN OUR FATHER'S HOUSE THERE ARE MANY MANSIONS.......I HOPE YOURS IS NEXT TO MINE.....GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

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