Those eyes
The first time I caught the glare from in those eyes,
Was the first time I realized what is really hidden behind the laughter and the cries.
I see through her and what she's about,
I wondered if she was aware of this knowledge I knew, while I had no doubt…..
What it is - that she desires, not particularly from me, but from anyone who could find her.
I knew what she sought, but was she ready for what that person could offer.
Was she searching for merely a man that had something she could hold,
Or would she discard it as wrong if that's what her friends told.
Was she ready for a man like me - one that seems…
To understand her thoughts, one whom she's found only in her dreams.
I know her desire hidden deep….
To not just have a man…but for one to keep.
And though hurt before, the sight of me and me of her, generates this radiance,
This energy from so far inside her that she knows not of its presence,
But makes her eyes dance with life, and tell the story of her quest,
To possibly find that one that can keep the smiles and want her the best.
Hope is the word that escapes from those ocean blue eyes as every glance,
Every look has the hope that the next image could be that one by chance -
That will let her eyes rest, and make her heart flutter-
And make her knees shake with every word he mutters.
But the pain is still there…evident from behind the cap and pig tails,
Reminding her to not get too excited - and reminds her of all the fails.
She hides behind these…they are her safety blanket from pain.
In case I do not like what I see, it will keep her eyes from flowing its rain.
She offers just the eyes to those that peer over …
Giving them the test to find who she is, behind the hat and hair gently teasing her shoulder.
Will she know it when I show her what she has been searching for…
Or will she not want that desire - anymore.
It’s not for sure, but if she doesn't…it will not be me who will realize…
That's she missed out on a man who understood her desires
and could read those eyes.
MY MOST RECENT STREAM OF CONSCIENCENESS
What do I do wrong? Really? Why do I always deal with these things, am I fated to feel this all the time….am I that bad of a person? Am I falling back to the past? Am I falling worse? Will this be worse? I always do this to myself….i let myself get too attached and then bam – let down and pain. Do I deserve this? I must be really bad to deserve this all the time. What’s with the rose and the thorns? I get a scent of the rose but then the fatal pierce of the thorn or thorns. Why do I have to deal with this? I do nothing wrong pertaining to this. I know that. Infidelity is not part of my makeup, especially not with this one….opportunity has arisen but I have not chosen. Why do they get all the play, all the vantage points, all the options. Does it not affect them as it does me? Is it really because I set myself up for this? Do I really? I’d like to think that I’m merely being nice and the way a man should be….put man is not supposed to be put down time after time for courageous and valiant efforts and deeds. I go out of my way, and get taken advantage of ….always. I don’t deserve this . the lying? No I don’t believe that to be the reason… that is to merely get them to the level that I feel for them. To look in admiration as I do them. Put do they deserve such notoriety? Do they deserve the admiration? Not from what I’ve seen, so why do I do it to myself. Because I don’t want to be what’s hated in society and by them….i don’t want to be the outcast (although I already seem to be ) I want to be what they want – perfectly. But then I always get screwed over? Why? I give what they desire….it cant be more,….i do everything possible to appease and to make a smile appear. And I don’t do it for them, I also like to see that. It does make me happy…but why am I never happy…why do I sacrifice the happiness for theirs….why cant it be 50/50? Ever! Cant I just have something that I can not have to worry about? Not always doubt and wonder when she will screw it up, and when I will be writing another one of these things…each time getting worse and worse from each time of more effort and emotion and love put in. its like its thrown back in my face, all my wishes and desires and all I do is shoved in my face, seemingly 3 fold. I do put in tons of effort but the pain that’s sent back to me in rediculous, I don’t deserve that. Never have , never will. I write while they laugh and enjoy and think upon me as a weirdo and loser. I’m the crux of blame. I get the guilt as to not upset them. I deal with it all, always, because they cant accept reality; responsibility. And give what is to be reciprocated ….its only fair…only right. Should I stop my effort? Maybe if I put in less the pain that I don’t want to expect and don’t deserve would be less? Why does It have to be there in the first place? YOU know I don’t deserve it. I have prayed and prayed asking for only a few and the dire you have answered for me, but you have to recognize the extremeness of this. You have to , I know you do…but why do I have to put up with it……tests? I mean how much pain can I endure before I give up. Am I that one? That’s given the world to carry to prove myself to you. The hero must accomplish the herculean deeds? I believe I’m accomplished these. The pain I feel now is seemingly insurmountable…this kind of task is so energy consuming. So tiring. I’ve fought it my whole life, you know this. I don’t want to go away you know that. You want me to do so much here. I cant be there yet,,,,,I don’t even know If I deserve to be there. I would hope I qualify. But these tests are so trying. I try and I try all to no avial. This is so hard. I need you here and I know you are…you see what happens. WHY? Why is this cast upon me? These thoughts created are they you speaking or the other one? Am I to doubt? Am I to trust? Experience tells me to not trust, and gut-feelings tell me I shouldn’t, but my brain tries to comply and show reason. But my mind has to realize that this is always what happens to me…..why should I take this one any different? It looks exactly the same.
She closed her eyes one lonely night,
Thinking of that man, who barely caught her sight.
She sees him over and over in her mind,
Knowing that he could be , the last of his kind.
She feels a bead of sweat trickle down her thigh,
And she longed for that soothing touch, and began to cry.
She calms herself down after an hour of sobbing,
Just as she thought of him again enters her mind, and her body again starts throbbing.
She opens her eyes and sees him above her,
Softly , he touches everywhere she needed to be explored, this amazing lover.
She closes her eyes she thinks, but can still see him,
Over her quivering body, as the lights go dim.
She only sees his eyes, flooding every inch of her smooth body,
But nervousness does not set in, and her stomach is absent of being usually knotty.
She opens herself, feeling completely protected and invincible,
No one could hurt her, and best of all she was finally un-invisible.
Slowly his hands she could feel enveloping her legs,
And could feel her body call with the yearnest of begs.
She feels her pulse race with unbelievable anticipation,
And gets the shivers from her neck to her calves as her eyes go into dilation.
As her sheets become warm and even quicker get hot,
Her legs kick them off, the heat too much to contain, he has hit another spot.
She feels it as it tracts up her body and down between her legs where it was created,
Not once caring that her silky form has this whole time been naked.
The sheets of her bed bundle tight in her hands,
Just as she realized where his amazing tongue lands.
Some parts of her get hard, while others get wet,
Some parts of her melt, especially where her thighs met.
She begins to see stars all over her room,
At the moment when her pouting body goes into full bloom.
She lets out a moan, from deep inside her,
As he caresses those sensitive spots, her vision blurred.
He whispers ever softly in her ear,
Telling absolute truth, it just happens to be what she wanted to hear.
She begins to feel moist the length of her physique,
And their bodies meet, the goal she ultimately seeked.
Over and over, they meld into one,
Taking no regard to the ever rising sun.
It went on as long as she desired,
He is perfect in his comprehension of her specific body, not once getting tired.
She finally smiles and lets the pleasure take hold,
Of her utterly willing flesh, the two bodies breaking pleasure’s own mold.
They set new heights that can be reached,
As the evolved pleasure reciprocates it's happiness (to them), from the new definition it beseeched,
By giving them endless caches to delve into and find,
Just as one delight found was going on end, pleasure was there to remind,
Of all the places they have yet to explore,
As she thinks to herself, we will find them all… and more.
She throws her head back and smiles,
Wishing never to end this journey of endless miles.
Finally they join, as he gets as deep as any man can go,
All the while his fingers reach from her delicate face to the ends of her shaking toe.
She gasps for breath, as he eases inside the most inner reaches of her domain,
Just now realizing, she has never once, felt any pain.
That’s how good he is, and it shows from his actions,
As each of his moves gets out of her a new and incredible reaction.
She wraps her thighs around her bed,
Her only choice once the feeling of his tongue in the small of her back, was sent.
She shakes with delight, as her heart joins the fun, as it too begins to flutter,
She feels his breath on her neck and un-recallable words he mutters.
Because the things she was feeling could not decipher words,
Her body was concentrating on the feeling, lost among the birds.
And finally he ends with a burst of emotion,
Her heart and mind fluctuating like the rise and fall of the ocean.
They settle in her sea of new discovered reaches,
Content and overwhelmed from the gift pleasure teaches.
And she smiles..
Effort
Why is it that I always put too much in.
Its got to be my fault that I do it –when we first begin,
I wonder why none of them ever can
Put in the effort that I give to them.
Do they take it for-granted what I give,
Why deal with all this….why live?
No one before can attain the realizations I learned,
But why the irony –where I am to always burn?
Did I do something wrong?
No, I know this, maybe of this world Is not where I belong
Maybe I belong with Him,
But I do not know if I did faulter…and where I did sin.
Obviously I have, for this pain to come about,
For going amiss somewhere pertaining to her - I seriously doubt.
But maybe this is how this works,
What is this thing of love? Where are the perks?
Its almost like I wait to be hurt,
Draining the life from me…even that last pitiful spurt.
Who is this casting these ideas in my head,
Is it truth , am I a book to easily read?
I guess this is my fault, but where is it?
These thoughts in the back of mind are constantly lit,
Because I’ve dealt with all this in the past,
So how am I supposed to change things to last?
It doesn’t look like I can, constantly being attacked by pain’s cardiac glove,
This makes me want to give up on life, and simply not love.
JUST SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS AND SHORT POEMS
a womans neck is the threshold to her sensuality, her shoulders the frontlines of her mystique, her breast the gates of her beauty, her body the path to her jewel, and her thighs the pillars to her most precious gift, THE most precious gift....
have you ever had a man whisper behind you in your ear, whispering such magic that your eyes had to close just so your ears could decipher every sound of his voice, every breath beating softly on your neck...have you ever wondered what thats like , to feel an instant bliss, a moment undesired to cease, simply because of its unbelievability.....
i'll never forget, that day i met you,
the day we walked the beach, two friends anew,
we got to know each other, and what we're about,
i wanted you from the moment we met, my mind had no doubt,
and although i leave you after this short time we met,
we can be together, fate splitting us up - i will not let.
i look in your eyes and you make me smile,
it makes me want to be with you, there is no denial.
i'll miss you more than you can know,
but the best i can do, is the love i can show.
i'll miss your hugs, and the kisses you desire,
to quote the doors, baby you light some kind of fire,
in me that i havent felt in a long time,
your a special girl , you're one of a kind.
theres no need to cry, i'll be back real soon,
just me and you again, together under the moon.
so when you think of me, try not to cry,
its hard for you, but harder for me, the day i say goodbye....
I make you wonder? thats the wonder that makes it funner , when you try and think and make that link when you try to discover who is this mysterious other....
she confides in me , for the insight she cant see, she opens up, she tells me all the feelings in her gut, as she cries her end, she seeks a man that gives her what she needs, she wants a man of which pleasure can feed, someone always there for her, just because, but will she experience me ,,,and all this man does?
shes says i dont know, she says i dont care, and if i tell her so , will she believe i'll treat her fair, what is it that she resists, shes afraid of what i have, does she fear my bliss, does she shy away under her words or are they merely conversational blurbs, am i really killing her, or is she just confused, that her reality - i can deter, and pleasures gift has just always been refused?
I closed my eyes and saw her face, and just as quickly disappeared without a trace, I tried to see this beautiful girl, with silk for skin, and eyes of pearls, but it would not come back, her image I lacked, just like the dove that flew away, it was her love I had no more and forever I would pay….
we talk to each other , each without an image, we console to each one another, what if we had faces, would we be as easy to talk, or be shy, looking at our torn shoelaces, why do we talk so easy , do we want to make friends or do you say things to merely please me, knowing that your not what you say, behind that screen, is it simply a game you like to play?
......he blows a gentle kiss carrying a cool breeze, floating effortlessly through the air blowing a sweet scented wind through her hair, landing softly on her smooth lips, sending intense waves rushing up and down her spine, quivering her, stimulating her every sense..
BACK TO THE LONGER POEMS
We are fooled by words, that arrive every day,
But to me it's for the birds, to believe emotions do not say,
Every desire, every thought, contained in the Eden of highest meaning,
Because it's these emotions of sought, that receive the greatest leaning.
This is meant to contrast, the black on white adjectives,
With that which are of consequence to make memories last, it’s the pure actions, without colorful additives,
(That is necessary for words, in order to create,) that captures the true essence of how we want ourselves and our lives to be described.
Emotions are 24 carat, which gives good relate, for it carries not the luggage and weight that words through history have relied.
Passion and lust just to name a few, are the types of building blocks,
That before you or I ever knew, overtakes us and makes us tic, and makes us tock,
It controls everything , impossible to escape its mission,
For at this time you WILL do anything, when your mind is shouting, but your heart will not listen.
You succumb to its will, whatever emotion it may be,
The desire to kill, the love for a beautiful lady,
It matters not , for it is all of one kind,
It keeps the fires hot, although it may cost you to leave your mind behind.
But without the blind leap, what would life be,
You become the sheep, that walks into the sea,
Unable to breathe, unable to swim, they sink deep and sink deeper,
It's these people that never go out on that limb, that ultimately meet the one we call, grim reaper.
So in this battle of figures and shapes , versus that which no form ever does take,
There will be those who proclaim, that words overrule, its us who are insane,
To not believe it’s the words that rule all, where emotions are short and the ink is tall,
But in the world of true reality it’s their blinded eye, that does not see, its them who lie,
Because if they felt at all in their secluded realm, dissented from the forest of ignorant elm,
They would see how and why we are governed by, the primary foundation of man, destined never to die…
When I speak, do you believe?
Or do you think its an ace up my sleeve….do you pre-emptively critique?
I see the doubt run across your face, soon as words come through my mouth,
I see you turn to the south, and the breath I expend dilutes to a mist, disappearing without a trace.
I close my eyes and shake my head, at that mistrusted mind,
Don’t worry your far from one of a kind, that hasn't believed what I've said.
It's as if lies control my jaw, and the words that are uttered form solely into fabrication,
Why is it that whatever I say has a false connotation, tell me what it is you thought you saw?
I tell and I beseech that what I say is true, but you still wont accept,
That I have many wonderful secrets kept, and can all be felt and advantageous to you,
You need only sacrifice the comfort from your smile, and then you can be sure,
That its you I adore, though the expression you wear would implicate me to be reviled.
I tell you that words can't describe my abilities, and that merely actions would surely suffice,
But it's this previous truthful advice, that cause the inaudible ears to create the thought of unbelieveability.
So what do I do at such an instance? Nothing, but move on, and if those desire to indulge in such splendor,
Then and only then will my gift be rendered, those that do will have no ability nor desire to offer any such resistance.
I awoke last night feeling it again,
I know why it's there and cannot avoid its beckoning, calling me - calling Ben...
I feel it mostly in the pit of my gut,
That sharp pain - that knife making its cut,
Deepening into a wider and wider hole,
Deeper and deeper, scratching my soul.
Do you feel that, can you feel that?
The involuntary beating where it becomes the feet, and you are the mat.
I experience it daily , mostly at night,
Where the floor gives out and takes me on an endless plight.
I know what it is, but that feeling is unwilling to cease,
I can't get away, can't shake free… I've never heard of the eternal lease.
I am given the day to make it end,
But I do not take advantage of the freedom the pain will lend.
It’s the mouse wheel that will never stop,
Where you try and try again, but seem to always fail and flop.
It promises to go away if I can fix this ugly mess,
It has told me its name only once, the pain said it was called - loneliness.
I see this girl with eyes of pearls,
And wonder what she thinks, when she slowly looks and blinks,
Softly in my direction, but I don’t think she can see me in my own dimension,
I see her stride, from side to side,
But still strongly denies, that she captures hearts and envious eyes.
I look deep inside those pearls painted blue, and find something undiscovered by them, unfound by you.
She hides it away, without a word to say,
Or justify why, she says there’s really nothing she hides inside.
But I see it, I know what she covers, under the lies, disguising the wonders,
That she knows she's got, tucked away neatly in that spot.
She conceals it from us, I know, because she lacks the trust,
That is missing from her heart, all the while, tearing her apart.
She refuses to open up, and let those feeling in gut,
Be expressed and be told, and not put her tongue on infinite hold.
She sits quietly looking about, and you think - what’s in her mind, but I know it contains only doubt.
She knows what she wants, but won’t say it for fear of a rejected response.
You say she’s just shy, quickly passing her by,
But I know there's more, hidden deep in here core.
I see what she lacks, while you all turn your backs,
I’ve seen the silent cries, pouring through those ocean eyes.
You say she's mysterious, I say your delirious,
It’s merely a case, where realness goes to waste,
Because she simply is afraid, that her life will be a game – too easily played.
And she will be left alone, once her insides are shown.
And that might occur, but would you rather go through life where people say - that’s really her,
When its not… you and I both know, that they will have gotten merely a mask, without the real you to ultimately show.
And if you show and are left alone, its OK because I know what it feels like and to feel that, I will never condone.
But in the end, if you are left, I say it will all be for the best,
Because you know it’s you that you’re letting be seen, and at the end of the day, trust me, your conscience will stay clean.
You will have nothing to worry, and no crazy-girl, there is no hurry ,
To fill that void that’s left when the now hidden is gone, but you must look beyond,
To the near future, your heart will mend. Look at me. Can now you see me?…hi my name is Ben.
Time is a funny thing, I think,
Because those that have more than you, discard you with the quickest blink.
Why is it that those with a greater number next to their name,
Believe that your thoughts are less than theirs, and your desires put off as a child insane?
When was it that you gained this heightened knowledge,
Where you know what’s best, merely because you’ve been to a place called college.
You say - trust me, someday you’ll see,
Then I reply that it’s your eyes, that’s missing out on you and me.
I wonder if one day you will know,
The extent you of your regret, that day when you said – no.
Simply because "I’m too young for you"
As I shake my head, knowing you have no possible clue.
I envision a world, of endless possibilities,
If you only gave up on political correctness, and felt my abilities.
Then you would ‘see’, what I have and can give to an utter beauty,
Like yourself.. I want you all, even when you’re sad, even when you’re moody.
Open your eyes and come out from your closet named "it’s just not right"
What are you afraid of, I offer only appeasement and happiness, and no, I do not bite.
For me, you’re not too old….come with me, I won’t beg , but please,
I’ve always said that age is but a word in a world of infinite dictionaries.
At night, is only when
I can see her grace, bowing the wills of powerful men.
I see her in my dreams,
And when I close my eyes, because I know what love means.
I often daydream and wonder,
When it was, my heart she plundered,
That first day when I heard her voice,
I knew then that love was my only choice.
I knew right then that she was the one,
That could relieve my shoulders of that weighted ton.
She has that effect,
That fills my void with the slightest detect,
When she knows my heart is longing her presence,
Teaching its comfort and love, my personal favorite lessons.
Do you have that ability, the one I possess
Where whenever I desire to feel her sweet caress,
I can make it happen.
When I can feel her warmth, hearing her heart next to mine, hearing it tapping.
Do you have that relationship, that kind of bliss,
Yearning each moment, for the next soothing kiss?
I embrace her and what she gives me every day,
She’s simply perfect, what more can I say?
How does it feel to be felt from someone in a courted love tree.
It’s me, high among the limbs and branches,
Can you see it? IT , is the passion I feel for you, and what you do to me.
I wonder if you ever felt my eyes on your eyes,
As you looked elsewhere,
Oblivious to seeing my silent cries.
I’ve longed for you for the past two years,
But you never saw,
Me, and my eyes filled with trembling tears.
Have you ever been invisible to someone you long for,
Wondering why you never got the chance,
To give all that life can offer…infinitely and more?
The funny thing, is that you probably have felt this,
And you’ve seen someone else,
But it wasn’t me, whom you’ve wanted to passionately kiss.
And that’s more upsetting, to know it wasn’t me that you desired,
As I look at you, looking at him,
Smiling ahead, but not looking behind, to realize it’s me, and that it’s you that I’d admired.
He tell you the story of the love he’s lost,
And he asks you if you ever felt, not being loved by the one you loved so much,
And you cringe and tell him "Yeah boy I do," with emotion held back at an insurmountable cost.
But you neglect to look past his blindness, and look around.
To take off your blinders, and see what eyes have been looking at you,
I dare you to look, but you don’t, and never see what you could’ve found.
You take your poem, and your story, from your own perspective, ya see?
Failing to notice those around you,
Mainly me, that you’d see, if you looked objectively.
But will you? Can you? I don’t know. It been so long,
That I’ve lost the courage and the means,
To sing you my ever-silent song.
Times running out on you and me,
You don’t know it, but your being tugged – college calls, as do I.
Do you hear my unconfident plea?
Your pathos is strong,
That I know,
It’s that feeling I want to unlock in you, it’s that I know you long.
I bet you never thought,
To look behind you, all these years,
You just believed that you had to look only at him, while it was you I sought.
But my dream never came true,
To be with you and all you can give,
I wanted you, but you had no clue.
Next time you should be more aware,
To look behind,
And take better care,
Because you never can tell,
That while you yearn for that one in front of your eyes,
There may be a better one to fit your perfect wedding bell.
I know I was, and that you missed out,
On what I’m about, and who I am.
I know it with fact, my mind has no doubt.
I really wonder If you ever knew,
How I feel, because…
"P.S. I Love You" too.
love is not merely a word it is a way of life on an ever searching quest rarely completed, if it is found then it is found but let it never stray from your grasp or fated to its gut wrenching wrath , heartache of hell, and genuinely justified jealousy it will surely reek on your guilty conscience…….
I am alone on this planet, it says so in my pact, and I have yet to know why, but by now it is habit, nearly a fact, to have her not by my side.
I face the familiar heart attack, of love I was denied, as I sit alone in my attic, without a friend to confide.
It has caused a panic, and I often hide, it may sound pathetic, but has been my sole link to survive.
Is this the life of a romantic, where feelings from the heart and wisdom from the brain collide, and funny, isn't it, how we can never choose a side.
I must remain incessantly sharp like the piercing tack
I will not be satisfied,
to say it was of my pick,
to say I have merely tried.
It must he old Scratch to play such a trick, to me he has lied, to say love will not render me sick, or feel like I have died.
Love must like to mock, that, I realize, but like the ticking clock, I let time pass me by.
Will I feel my last beat, or hear my last tic, and succumb to demise, to be stored as an ancient relic, in the back of a few select minds?
That I cannot predict but this I can say with pride, wound after wound lick after lick I will not, give up , try to survive, remaining as ceaseless and terrific, as the ocean tide..
I am not perfect
to falter and mis-take will surely still reside,
I indulge in my ups and suffer my downs like the candles lighted
wick,
and confidence is still deprived,
utopia is unrealistic,
just look at the constantly miscued mind.
It is true I prefer to look forward than back,
But I have been given a gift that forever I will abide,
Love may be an eternal epidemic,
But it is love I can provide,
That to me is life's greatest gift, regardless of how tragic,
I am infinitely indebted and to that, I am much abliged.
Desire is a word tough to describe,
And unfortunately tougher to ignore,
We know not where where we go on its ride,
And will refuse to diffuse no matter the extent we implore,
Have you ever felt its clutch on your heart?
Where you were hopeless,
To not think you could never be apart,
From that one from which desire radiates its wonderful prowess
And I am no exception,
I too, succumb to such peculiar feelings,
I develop a hot complexion,
And get a sense of some mystical healing,
It occupies my mind, tingles my body, and wakens my soul,
I can feel a burning inside , a heat....a fire,
To taste her lips, and feel her warm body pressed tight to mine… is my only goal,
This is what I live for ….that is called desire….
Her touch fills my heart so much,
Helping me move on, from the touch which is gone.
I lay at night and wonder with delight,
For the day she comes back, and puts my life on track.
I miss the days, with her wild and exiting ways.
When she touched my heart, I would fall apart.
How could those fingers, leave such a feeling that lingers,
In my soul, refusing to let go,
Because it felt the love, that fit like a glove,
Making me surrender to that feeling that would render,
Deep inside, making common sense and reality collide,
With a fantastical world, created by that girl,
Who is endlessly on my mind, making me blind,
To the fact, that she will never come back,
To a life full of bland, without her guiding hand,
To lead the way, for which now I must pay,
The price of being alone, a fate I shall never condone,
For I am permanently scared, eternally on guard,
As I never again will trust , the deceiving nature of such a blinding touch……
Every day I look for her,
And every day my mind is in a blur,
For I am confused by her absence,
Wondering if she will ever fill this blankness,
Inside of me , I long for monogamy,
To this woman, it is our destiny,
I know she is out there,
For life would not be fair,
If she did not exist,
Or was merely an intangible gift, a shadow in the mist,
Living only in my mind,
She is one of a kind,
Fated solely for me, and no other,
I search for the day I will discover,
This beautiful woman, who has a who has been sculpted in heaven,
Possessing a face that melts me within,
And a body redefining the standard of the goddess,
For I am being modest,
When I say she transcends believable beauty and God-given grace,
Often her lips I can taste, and this is why I search, this is why she will always have a spot in MY special place.
I have this dream from time to time,
A dream I have where the world is mine,
It's a place I often go,
Not because I have to or because someone told me so,
But because it is what I desire to find in myself,
And what I search for, and no.. it is not wealth,
It's a state of being unknown to the common man,
Untouched and unfound despite a possible celestial guiding hand,
It is a knowledge, a level , found by only a select few,
What man could accomplish if they only knew,
What I know, and what I've seen,
It has sharpened my mind and made my soul clean,
It is a world where there is no wrong, but only right,
Because those of us who know, do only what is right, we have this other sight,
That just knows how to be and the life one should,
Take by the horns and ultimately make good,
Untouched and unscathed by those holding us down,
Flying high in the sky from this epiphany we've found.
And you know your doing it right , when you see a smile on a face,
That unconsciencely knows the extent of the omniscience you've found at this place,
And they do not question where you attained this wisdom,
They just except it because of all the things you give them.
They will say your perfect, and where are the rest like you,
"we are one in a million" that, you can accept as true.
Her eye caught me across the room,
It began to squint and instantly fine tune,
To see the man , with the gift in his hands,
She followed me as I walked,
And heard me when I talked,
Then I caught her stare, because of the mirror's glare,
And I saw her quiver,
From the feeling I gave inside'er,
As I peered inside, her staring eye,
She felt me penetrate through,
To the place she knew,
She wanted me to find, I heard it in her mind,
As she took a deep breath,
Fearless of death,
Letting me in, to that feeling within,
Deep in her soul,
As she lost all control,
She felt the waves ripple up and down, amazed at the spot I'd found,
Her knees got weak as the feeling got stronger,
It was then I knew she could take it no longer,
But I refused to give up, and let the feeling in her gut,
Cease and desist,
Because her desire did insist,
To feel it without end, to succumb to the feeling I send,
Because she longed for this, as far back she can remember,
To find everything she could ever want, from the opposite gender,
He personifies perfection, as described by heaven,
Possessing what she needs so much, this is why his love is a must,
To have the man, who bleeds desire, and radiates the intoxicating dust,
That fills her lungs with an aphrodisiac,
And spreads through her body, and up and down her back,
She yearns for the man with the mystical touch,
Who perfects passion ; who creates lust.
I'm at a level, do u know where it is?
Do you know how to get there, do u say "this cant all be his?"
I'm at this peak, standing alone,
Looking for someone, waiting for my abilities to be shown.
I wait and I wait for that One to realize,
Where I actually am, and be given my ultimate prize.
Can she really find me, at this height?
I wonder if she can, I wonder if she might,
Be able to see me, and put me into comprehension,
Or am I infinitely blinded, in this fourth dimension?
Where is everyone, why can't they see?
What I can give , what life can be?
What blocks them to visualize,
Is it for fear of accepting this prize, for perhaps a future demise?
What is it that keeps them from indulging,
In a splendor constantly emerging,
From my heart to my mind,
Is this why they are so far behind?
I do not understand the rejection of this,
Why wouldn't one desire to relish in bliss?
I've tried time and time,
To show people my rare kind,
That we're a dwindling breed,
The unwilling soon to supersede,
This life the rest have not tapped,
Or the surface they have not yet scratched.
For this life offers endless pleasures,
Without painstaking measures, living with worriless leisures,
It is all possible to reach this place,
Come with me, past that obstacle you face,
Open you mind, and let go of it all,
Can you hear the laughter? Can you hear pleasure call?
I can, and you can too,
Open your heart, theres room for two.
But I shall not press,
This gift I possess,
For fate will decide,
The one who sees me eye to eye,
Who longs to live,
In this Eden I can give,
I wait for the woman, wait for the rebel,
Who defies the boundaries where others will settle, who is able to see me at my ultimate level…
I walk through the day, with so much to say,
And so much to do, to indulge in a world totally new,
But no one hears, nobody cares,
They do what they want, fitting the extra time they have not.
And I walk on through the night, wondering if anyone else sees that light,
That I see, or possibly is it just me?
Significance is my desire, but insignificance runs my fire,
For all my life now, and I don't know why and I don't know how,
To turn this tide, and let go of this barrier which coats me inside,
I know what it is I seek, but courage and strength seem to always leak,
From my mind and from my heart, all the while tearing me apart,
Because I feel for some strange reason, that my life is going into the barren season,
And my hour glass, unfortunately isn't going to last.
This is why, I feel I can't merely try,
I've got to succeed, at this thing I desperately need,
Until that moment, until the time I finally own it,
To have that thing, that will ultimately bring,
The smile to my face, and I can finish the race,
That I have been running, it's such a long time coming.
And once I obtain, that which refuses to sustain,
I will then be able to be visible, making my world indivisible,
And be finally looked at, under a different eye that,
Unlike before, will suddenly adore,
And feel the need, to be there for me when I sweat,when I cry, when I bleed.
I long for that moment, it will be mine, I will own it,
But it is all too apparent, that until that I day I will persist in transparent,
And if I do not receive, what I need; I do believe,
That my demise is nothing short than a must, how's the saying go - from ashes to ashes, dust to dust?.....
Most believe a poem can describe all,
No event or action can hide from its ability,
But I believe there are such times when words are short to fall,
Because through my own eye have I seen such fantasy touch reality.
Its is funny I believe, that no word can penetrate through and tarnish in these times,
But somehow, some way, our own brains are able to put it in a reasonable, logical form,
We're able to know what we've witnessed, our brains read through the absent lines,
And we understand what we've seen, as something justly unmentionable and comfortably warm,
It's these times that we see in awe,
The magic and wonder that unfolds before us,
With out the interruption of clutter-some words, it's some unwritten law,
That lets us experience these rare times that lack the words that otherwise ruin and rust.
It's these silences that replenish the soul and revive a slumping life,
This is when our deepest and most intimate feeling within are released,
That can show or not to others what you feel, such as tears from your sight,
Or within, like your soul emerging up from your gut till your heart it's reached.
To feel this moment is exhilarating to say the least,
It's the time when mouths incapacitate and eyes suddenly dilate,
To view an occurrence so sweet, as to put the mind at peace,
Do you know when it happens? Can you feel it when you see it? Or are you always too late?
The Game
We play this game, you and I,
Where they are to blame, it's them who lie,
We use words that distort and twist,
Reality, so to be blurred, and truth to be missed,
Whatever happened to honesty and trust,
Where we relied on you and me, togetherness a must,
Now all that's left is this diverged road,
No more promises kept, no more chivalry code,
Was it like this, all along,
Was I in some blinding bliss, some soothing song?
Maybe I should have seen, this coming from the start,
Maybe my eye wasn't so keen, to see you breaking my heart,
But that's my fault, for not seeing it sooner,
Maybe it's by default, that you're a happiness ruiner.
Who's to know , who's to judge?
I say so, because you've destroyed my courage.
Why play the game, of take and take more,
It'll never be the same, its no longer you I adore,
Don't you see what you've done, do you feel the emptiness?
Have you figured out, out of a million I'm the one, that could've completed your life, because it made perfect sense?
Mystery
His eyes she tells,
are like a mystery,
Do they lead to hell?
Or a world of fantasy?
She looks him up, an epiphany revealed
Then suddenly looks down,
Due to the eyes with amazement concealed,
That utters no word, but describe every sound.
She wonders what he thinks,
As she catches a better glimpse,
And wonders if he winks,
Will it give her a hex, create a mystical jinx?
Does she fear this man,
Does she fear his hand,
Does she fear she can,
Spend eternity in his land?
This is what makes women hesitate,
They fear the worst,
Which prevents them to participate,
In a world of opportunity, never a curse.
If you only trust,
These mysterious eyes,
You'll find lust,
Where the mystery lies.....
Definitions
Words are defined, through what we find,
Its society whose made, this foundation already laid,
They tell us what they mean, very specific, very keen,
Then we go out to experience, these things that give a picture, but have no appearance,
And as time goes by, we are given definitions of these words through mouths that lie,
And our beliefs get distorted, and they words stop meaning what they once purported,
And this is why man and woman rarely try,
To understand,these unfamiliar meanings, in this unfamiliar land.
This is the cause,for communication to pause,
Ands prevents people to express, what they fear in all this mess,
And they begin to confuse, these false meaning they choose,
With what these words once meant, and the meanings they once kept.
The things that we say, might be like night and day ,
To some other, because of false meaning they thought they once discovered,
And this creates, the friction between mates,
Because what they might say or do, can mean something totally different to you.
And you think you act, correctly because of the false meaning you thought you lacked,
But then you are surprised, when you find,
That,that is not what they meant, and suddenly versions get bent,
And what you once thought was right, no longer has this clear sight.
And a fog of doubt, suddenly comes about,
And this cloud of wonder, is created by you and this significant other,
Simply because you aren't on the same page, which instantly creates a rage,
Because this different view, may have existed even when the relationship was brand new,
But you were oblivious to know, there is nobody to say I told you so,
So you try and negotiate, hoping the other will participate,
In creating common ground, to which will be the path you now will be bound,
And you think you've figured it all out, and cast away all those strange doubts.
When suddenly you realize, the rules have been changed behind your eyes,
And now things are different, and must go their way without any of your input to be lent,
It's now that you see, from now on how it will be,
And it's you who now can easily decide, what you will do, and the place you won't ultimately reside…
Motivation
I dreamt of her again last night,
Keeping me away from danger and erasing the fright.
She is the reason I am able to rise,
From my bed and go out and search for her eyes.
If she was not there,
I know I would not care,
To live or to breathe in this world,
If I knew I would never find this girl,
This woman always in my heart,
Although we may be hundreds of thousands of miles apart,
On the earth,
But I’ve known one day we would be together ever since my first breath at birth.
She keeps me alive through the dark night and lonely day.
Waiting and hurting till the day her and I together will lay,
In a world of bliss,
And happiness.
I am forced to contain,
All my joy and smiles in utter vain,
Till I am with the one who gave life
To share with me, when I was dying and my world was full of strife.
So for the second chance I realized from her dire donation,
Forever I will search, with her as my motivation.
Ecstasy
There is a place every woman can reach.
It’s a place only a select few and I can teach.
There is a feeling within that can over come,
Your entire body, the epitome of fun,
And pleasure that your body can feel,
A bond formed between you and I, making a perfect seal.
In between your thighs…
That spot where you can only see my eyes.
This point you can attain,
Has been said impossible to sustain,
But that is said by those,
Who have no clue as to what is held so precious under layers of clothes.
There have only been some, who know what it feels when they get to that point.
It is a feeling from within that takes over your body, without ever the slightest disappoint.
You know you’ve gotten there, when your legs begin to shake,
And you body starts to tremble and slither like the snake.
You feel a rush of impulses charge up and down, over and over,
All throughout your soul, as the feeling gets closer and closer,
To finally you begin to black out, and suddenly see stars,
And you can no longer move, and your mind travels far,
Up and away,
To a place no word could correctly say,
What it is and where it is, and how it feels to attain such pleasure.
A pathos so great as to never be measured,
Like stars in the sky and sand in the ocean.
The energy and emotion you create could easily be bottled in a passion potion.
It's all made within you and let out in a wonderful burst,
As that feeling runs through your body as the pleasure is evenly dispersed.
Do you think you can feel something like that, could you reach ecstasy?
Do you desire to? I know you can, all you have to do… is ask me.
Limits
Why is it that I am confined,
What have done for happiness for me to be denied?
Why is all this potential hidden deep,
Ready to come out, but tucked away neatly inside.
And why does it come out only in my sleep?
So much has been amassed in one giant heep,
But I am not allowed to let it out,
There is so much feeling and things I’ve reaped,
Over the years, and that is why there now is a doubt,
That I will never be able to show what I’m about,
And be happy with me,
Without my slumping soul having to pitifully pout.
There are days I know that I’m succumbed to a knee,
Because the pain is so heavy like in the deepest sea,
And I cannot go on, the pain is so great,
Why won’t life let me show the man I can be?
The man in the straight jacket can easily relate,
How frustrating it can be, and why inside we are so irate,
For as long as I know the man you see on the exterior,
Is nothing like the one within… is this my final fate?
To be condemned to a world that never sees my interior,
So you are subject to the shell of man totally inferior,
To who I really am , without the outside there to inhibit,
Th real man you can see and understand that much clearer.
This is why most days I am livid,
And the inexperienced man internally has become so timid,
Locked away, afraid to show his face,
Believed to be forever because of self-imposed limits…
That this world has placed.
When Our Eyes Met
Our eyes first met when we passed for the first time,
I might’ve seen her before, but never had I really looked until her eyes met mine.
And from that time on, her eyes have opened something,
In me, those eyes, speaking to me, whispering sweet nothings.
Every time we pass, I feel something awake,
As I look at her eyes, then see her body, and my head inevitably shakes.
Because it knows what she’s missing and what she’s looking for.
Why else would she look at me like that, I know she yearns for more.
But is it just a game that she likes to play,
Where she’s just close enough to give me that look, but always too far away.
Maybe she just likes to torture me and laugh just as we pass,
Where my head is left in a whirlwind, and deep thinking is where my mind is cast.
And maybe she thinks the same about me, basking in that short time as we go by one another ,
She may be afraid to approach me, but those eyes keep looking for what she might discover.
I know she would find it, if she only showed the initiative and said what she wished,
But I bet she waits for me to do the same, and again, an opportunity missed.
And it's not just a glance as you look around the room,
She looks straight at me as if staring off, into the moon.
I don’t even know this girl my eyes are so familiar with,
Is she as wild as me and what she seems to be or has my mind made up some fairy tale myth?
I long for the day that we really meet and find out who’s who and what’s what,
Is she really what I know her to be or is her imagination shut?
Is she crazy and seductive as my eyes and my mind see her?
Is she willing to try to keep up with me, is she all that life and a beautiful girl have to offer?
I think it all to be true, but will she play the game and pick and choose,
Would she try to play the game with me?..the one I never lose?
She seems to be the type that quenches everything I’d ever looked for,
But she also could be one that’s full of lies and deceit, and takes and takes, and takes even more?
Regardless of what may come if we were to get together,
I still want the chance for her and I to really meet, anywhere and whenever.
Because right now all I have is thoughts and potential pleasures unfound by her yet,
And I want to know if she gets the same feeling I get, just like…
when our eyes first met…
Fear
Why are we confined to talk solely in our minds,
What inhibits us to say what we feel to our kind,
I find it sad that one can look at another,
And desire to talk to a possible significant other,
But hesitate and decide not to bother,
For reasons I have yet to discover.
Maybe we think that if that other person is interested,
Than they will come to us, but in reality we both stay arrested,
In our own little corner or where-ever it may be,
Because we dilute ourselves that if (s)he really likes me,
Then (s)he’ll be the one to come and see,
What I’m about, so confident under my ignorant tree.
But that time never comes and you let an opportunity pass,
And you tell yourself it's ok because our personalities surely clash,
And that helps you sleep at night,
Or so you tell yourself, while your heart and brain eternally fight,
And in the end you’re left alone admist the fright,
Wondering if the opportunity lost could have been your companion in the dark – a guiding light?
You say next time , or there will be others on this long winding path,
But what happens when that path diverges in a yellow wood, surely you will feel it's dilemma-ed wrath,
Because you’ll be alone to make that decision of what to do,
And will your judgement be cast askew,
Merely because your one way path is suddenly two?
Or even a decision itself is totally new?
Who’s to know and who’s to say what is and isn’t right in this world?
All I say is that you again go home alone because you were afraid to talk to a guy or a to a girl.
And why?
Because you’re too big to even try,
Or too scared to be denied,
Or for the inevitable fear of a tongue being tied.
But how are you to know without living life,
And for once forget about the mistakes or embarrassing strife,
You may encounter on that road ,
But staying locked away in your comfortable abode,
Will get you nowhere but a new weight to carry on your hefty load,
Atop your shoulders endlessly sewed.
Shake the encumbrance, it's easily done,
And who’s to know, you might actually have a bit of fun.
If you accomplish this, life seems that much more clear,
You may be hurt, you may fall down, even shed a heart-filled tear,
But trust in yourself that with each fallen tear, happiness comes that closer, that more near.
Shrug off the weight, let down that protective pride….. conquer the fear.
This is an essay i wrote a year ago, when i was depressed and not feeling so good.....
Thus far I have only endured, (yes - endured) , sixteen years on this earth. I choose "endured," as my verb through life rather than "enjoyed," for reasons I have yet to discover. I know, to most, my life is a blessed one: to be horn without physical or mental impairments, to live in an environment and time, that is without turmoil or hardship. I have breathed , so far, a care free air. Yet........
First, I feel a lacking, something that is missing. Obviously, I know not what it is I consciously, unconsciously am deprived of. My schooling years have been astonishing, even at times to me. In all my years past, I always possessed the ability to make those around me laugh, sometimes of plain good humor, but regrettably, mostly at the expense of others. I still don't know why I had done those things - I think mostly as a barrier to protect myself from hurt. I mean, 1 was uncanny in the fourth through ninth grades, at making fun. I still can remember things that I would do or say, every day, that would have my "friends," rolling and literally crying in lauhter. No one could touch me, in my mind, for fear of being ridiculed. However, I was often touched. Much had gotten to me, and still does. If I would cross the boundary of embarrassment, people more often than not would simply put me at the end of some hilarious "fat" joke. I said it didn't bother me, and in fact, one of my more common retaliations would be, "oh . . . I'm scarred for life," in a sarcastic tone. I wonder if the stitches show.
Second, and more recently, in the past two years, I have become noticeably quieter, more subtle, and much less reactionary. Most of my natural humor has been put away, and is rarely displayed. I go through the day silent, and with an expressionless look on my face. I'm sure people know this, and see this, and they probably say it is a sign of maturity. Maybe it is, but to me, I have lost the smile that I long to re-acquire. Every time a possibly pleasant situation arises, I seem somehow to be quickly misdirected from it. I believe it is because I think too much. I am always thinking; of what could happen, of what 11d like to happen; of what he'll think, she'll think, they'll think. I know that I think too much, and that it is taking away the aspect of just living and not analyzing every thing that happens throughout my day. Sometimes I wish that I had lead and will lead less of such an analytical life, but these are the cards I've been dealt. That it why I believe that people who are less ponderous; live a much easier and seemingly happier life. These people are more apt to jump into things, and at a much younger age. Sometimes I wish I could be like that and am hopeful that someday soon I can be like that, but it will take the need to find these answers for myself.
Third, I'm beginning to get sick of all my beliefs and philosophies. why think about life, when you can just as easily live it! I know this is borderline of serious depression, and many-a-night I am depressed. I wish I could change the way I look, and in many ways I have, but I know I have only scratched the surface of what I truly want. To me that will change everything, despite all the thousands upon thousands of doctors and teachers across the globe that say otherwise. The line that upsets me the most is when the "truly sincere" people say, "beauty is skin deep, it is what's on the inside that counts," and "as long as you are happy with the person you are 4 inside you - nothing else matters." That line is said by all the people that don't have a weight problem, beauty flaw, or some other undesirable look. If they had one of those things, they would be like everyone else - trying to attain flawlessness. And these people long to say the same phrases the "pretty people" say. I know it and everybody else knows it, but they won't dare say it. Until I reach this point, I won't be happy Then, the only reason for failure from anything from dating to my weekly income, will be from my "inner" self, and not 'because of some exterior imperfection as my "ball and chain," weighing me down.
In conclusion, I don't know if any of the previous will extinguish my current unquenchable thirst, but it is what I believe will determine my true happiness and thus successfulness of my life. In my mind these goals will finally put a smile on my face that I can proudly wear, without the constant abysmal feeling of emptiness inside of me. Right now there is nothing to me, though it is skillfully hidden (through years of experience) through vacant smiles and colorless laughter. For the first time in my life I am being honest in writing how I really feel, and am feeling- acceptable or not..
and this was the follow up poem to "ME", countless people can relate to the shit i was going through..can you?
Once again I step back and look at my life, or what people might call a life. Before I had thought that it could get no worse, but now I have found new depths to the abyss. Do you ever asking yourself if this is it? I do. Do you ever wake up knowing how your day will be, how monotonous it will he? I do. Ever ask yourself if things could be worse than they are and knowing that simply by living, by going through your day, they actually will.
I come to that aIl-to-familiar realization every day, each time falling deeper and deeper into an inescapable hole. The tragedy, to me, is not necessarily that I'm falling, but that I realize I'm falling, and nothing can be done. I can't figure it out. Why am I not able to change the things I desperately need to? Why can't I be happy with myself and who I am? What is wrong with me? I saw a famous quote the other day that I've seen and heard my entire life. It says - it is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all. I disagree. Tell that to the people that have lost their true love. I'm sure they'll agree in saying that to lose that love is possibly the hardest thing to try to live with. At times it seems impossible to live with, and unbearable just to simply think about how it used to be. The pain in the pit of your stomach and the guilt induced aura that envelops you is more than enough to convince yourself to end all the pain. Who wants to live with that in the back of their minds for the rest of their lives? I say, it may be better to have never loved at all, because love will always wind up leaving you, at some point. Unless of course you have truly found your "soul mate," but how are you to know who are you to know? Love goes away, but each time, taking not only a piece of you're heart and therefore a piece of you, but also steals the desire to do it all again and robs you of the courage to convince yourself that you can. Love is a thief. Easily the world's greatest.
Am I the only one who feels like this? Throughout my life I get these flashes of hope, a glimmer of possible happiness, but every time, and T mean every single time in my life, it has either been too good to be true, has gone away for some inexplicable reason, or has quickly been replaced in double with bad things. I'll have a good day and then I'll have a bad week. I know this now. So far it's been impossible to escape. I can't get away from it. It won't go away, never has. I'm losing hope that it ever will. I know when something in my life happens to go good, T know even when I'm happy that its going to go away, or I'll be wondering when its going to leave me. Why is life like this, what is the reason? Is it for some grand scheme later on? And if so, why later on? Why can't it be now? Why isn't it now? Where are the answers, who has the answers? I need them. Why does nothing ever go my way, or the way it should go? Why does everything always turn out the way I don't want it? Things that you know in your mind and you're heart to be right are taken away from me - always. I have never been able to sustain anything good ever in my life. Why? Am I that bad, am I that wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Why was I given this curse. It is making me invisible, taking away my importance on this planet. I'm fading. Fading into the background of insignificance. Why is my life so trivial?
Nobody listens anymore. Words mean nothing. In one ear and out the other. Nobody just wants to listen, to hear what I have to say. Nobody has the time. Nobody has the patience. Nobody cares. I've realized now that besides people not understanding, even when insisting they do, that even if they do, its not the fact of them being able to do something about it', because they can't do anything. But I just want to get it out. To get people to understand what I'm about. If someone could feel the way I feel just for a day, to think what I think, just even for a day, they'd understand. I've heard dozens upon dozens of people tell me that everybody feels this way or goes through this or has been or is in my shoes. I don't think so. To be categorized, to be listed, to be put off as, "Oh, everybody has the same feelings," is like an insult. Row the hell do you know? How dare they cast my problems, my wishes, my desires, my feelings, off like nothing- no big deal. Who are they to summarize all that I deal with, in one sentence. My problem is that I care too much. I've realized that this emotion or characteristic has become obsolete and unpopular. It's too much for today's people to care. It's not necessary for survival and now is actually a recessive trait, quickly diminishing generation after generation. Survival of the fittest- right? I must be one of a rare breed, a dwindling species. And maybe it's for the best, but I disagree and will always disagree. But nothing will change, I can't change it, so why not just assimilate with it. If you can't beat'em, join'em?
I wish I could be like everyone else; not care, not think so much, not feel so much. Why does my heart ache? What is this feeling in my stomach? Why does it insist on making its presence felt? Why does it have to hurt? Why? Do I deserve this punishment? Is this hat life and living is all about? I wonder constantly what it would be like to live without hurt, to go through the days without the misery, the dread. Could that ever be? I wonder how it is, how it would be. But most importantly, hopefully how it could be. It would be a good experience. Not have a constant fear in the back of my mind and abandon the lifetime of walking on egg shells in a futile attempt to avoid (or at least dilute) the cloud of trepidation incessantly showering its precipitates on a weathered head that long ago reached saturation. It is a head-in-hands posture which lacks the strength and motivation to forfeit its staring contest with the ground and show the world the face it possesses. But I think it has had enough of my world, my reality. A reality of my unexplained analytic, ponderistic, self-conscious behaviors, thoughts, and processes all of which are embodied in a mentality completely devoid of self-confidence. I've forgotten the meaning of the word, let alone, how it feels to have it. To boast in the invulernability; protected by the nonporous, inpenetratable veneer only visible to the eye as a particular, yet familiar radiance with no desire nor ability to hide from envious eyes. Its seen through mere smiles, a certain appearance, and the distinct manner in which it crutches the body to stand up tall and proud, filling the chest with its fresh air, and lifting the chin to point at the heavens with loyal appreciation. It bestows a sudden epiphany of realization of a reassurance of the armor of invincibility it ultimately offers its bearer.