Confusion in my life, the last thing I need – this strive,
The things that way heavy on the mind venture to the heart, becoming one of a kind,
What makes me think at such a height or such a depth, and all this breadth,
weighing its unbearable pound, and what have I found?
Only this empty feeling, and loss of something dear. What is it I lack – trust, I fear.
But I mistrust for good reasons, I am given then explanations of why trust escapes throughout the seasons.
I too am not perfect, I try to be, but it’s just not realistic,
To hold those to the standard I demand is a heavy weight indeed, for it asks much of those I encounter as well as for myself, which makes many at my sight, in warnings heed.
And I do not blame them, for this standard I hold, is easier told,
Than actually done, and is rarely done – by anyone.
Including myself, which could be why I write for this help,
That I seek to find, as I search my mind,
And engulf my heart in painful feelings, almost wanting my heart to feel the bleeding,
As to make me harder than I already am, but each day – it seems to grow by ten,
And I almost want it to happen, to make me stronger, but will it? Or will I just suffer longer?
Through all the hardness that I’ve come to face, and feel everyday, it may make me weaker with my entire existence and every trace.
Inside my body, am I growing weak with each passing day, does the wall grow stronger to protect the weakening insides – I cannot say.
I would never divulge such vulnerability, I’ll only mention in text, its mere possibility.
Life is not easy, and matters of the heart do make once queasy,
It certainly does I, and makes me question when I look in my mirror’s eye,
Can I face myself and all that I demand; can I stand as strong as I propose? Do I need a hand?
I am the pillar that everyone sees, strong and imposing like the crashing seas,
But can I survive in this critical time, will I discover what I need, happiness and self - will I find?
I hope so, though I have no means or knowledge to go about this discovery, I have yet to believe that this heart can find recovery.
Is it too late for me, am I my own self-labeled failure, one that cannot see,
What it is I need to succeed, in this life and all the pleasure and pains it bleeds,
I begin to worry as these last party years wind down, the choices we make – are they the best we could have possibly found,
Was our mind clear when making such decisions, I question myself and my inside divisions,
I’m split most days on what to think, and what to believe, doubting my own blink.
Do I take a course of action, and which should it be, should I be full of reaction or do what’s best for me?
And what is best? That is what I fear, that I have no clue – yet another tear.
What ease this would be to look in that crystal ball, what weight would be lifted, if I could see it all,
I wish I could, know what is right, and know the decision to make before the candle will no longer will light.
Is time running out, and I making wrong choices? I believe right now would be advantageous to have some mind voices,
To help me sort all this mess, and make a choice that is truly best,
Without going through my day, doubting even the words that I say.
To be lost is not a normal feeling for Ben, to stumble from my pillar is hard to even comprehend,
But I know when I’m troubled, know when I’m lost, know when my heart suffers, and the fear of its frost.
As big a wall I may have, there are always cracks - the only places where confidence lacks,
And in this spaces shake my existence, and makes the eyes glistened.
For the greatest fear I face is uncertainty, and a doubt of self - what happens to me, when I have nothing left?
Will I lose everything, going down this path, will it all work out or will my heart face a new wrath?
I fear this time and what’s to come, the uncertainty that builds makes my mind dance and run,
Off into the clouds or down to the abyss, what shall I do? I’m so afraid of this.
It may sound pathetic, coming from me, but who’s the strong one that cannot see,
His or her weaknesses and what troubles them most, along with all the wonderful things that makes one boast.
I have to confront what I fear, and what I am missing, but the very fear is the indecision that’s twisting,
In my head constantly and unending, how do you not fear when the unknown has been befriended?
Such a critical time for choices we make - so many influences and repercussions and thoughts to partake.
I want so badly to do what is right, but all I have is this feeling of endless plight.
How do I know what to do? Who is ever to know what best for you?
Does every man and woman just wing it their whole life, or is there an answer somewhere to cease the strive?
Right now all I have is mirages and illusions, all encompassed in a man, drowning in confusion.