This is an essay i wrote a long time ago, when I was kinda depressed and not feeling so good about life.....
Thus far I have only endured, (yes - endured) , sixteen years on this earth. I choose "endured," as my verb through life rather than "enjoyed," for reasons I have yet to discover. I know, to most, my life is a blessed one: to be born without physical or mental impairments, to live in an environment and time, that is without turmoil or hardship. I have breathed, so far, a care free air. Yet........
First, I feel a lacking, something that is missing. Obviously, I know not what it is I consciously, unconsciously am deprived of. My schooling years have been astonishing, even at times to me. In all my years past, I always possessed the ability to make those around me laugh, sometimes of plain good humor, but regrettably, mostly at the expense of others. I still don't know why I had done those things - I think mostly as a barrier to protect myself from hurting. I mean, 1 was uncanny in the fourth through ninth grades, at making fun. I still can remember things that I would do or say, every day, that would have my "friends," rolling and literally crying in laughter. No one could touch me, in my mind, for fear of being ridiculed. However, I was often touched, much had gotten to me, and still does. If I would cross the boundary of embarrassment, people more often than not would simply put me at the end of some hilarious "fat" joke. I said it didn't bother me, and in fact, one of my more common retaliations would be, "oh . . . I'm scarred for life," in a sarcastic tone. I wonder if the stitches show.
Second, and more recently, in the past two years, I have become noticeably quieter, more subtle, and much less reactionary. Most of my natural humor has been put away, and is rarely displayed. I go through the day silent, and with an expressionless look on my face. I'm sure people know this, and see this, and they probably say it is a sign of maturity. Maybe it is, but to me, I have lost the smile that I long to re-acquire. Every time a possibly pleasant situation arises, I seem somehow to be quickly misdirected from it. I believe it is because I think too much. I am always thinking; of what could happen, of what I'd like to happen; of what he'll think, she'll think, they'll think. I know that I think too much, and that it is taking away the aspect of just living and not analyzing every thing that happens throughout my day. Sometimes I wish that I had lead and will lead less of an analytical life, but these are the cards I've been dealt. That it why I believe that people who are less ponderous; live a much easier and seemingly happier life. These people are more apt to jump into things, and at a much younger age. Sometimes I wish I could be like that and am hopeful that someday soon I can be, but it will take the need to find these answers for myself.
Third, I'm beginning to get sick of all my beliefs and philosophies. Why think about life, when you can just as easily live it! I know this is borderline of serious depression, and many-a-night I am depressed. I wish I could change the way I look, and in many ways I have, but I know I have only scratched the surface of what I truly want. To me that will change everything, despite all the thousands upon thousands of doctors and teachers across the globe that say otherwise. The line that upsets me the most is when the "truly sincere" people say, "beauty is skin deep, it is what's on the inside that counts," and "as long as you are happy with the person you are on the inside - nothing else matters." That line is said by all the people that don't have a beauty flaw, weight problem, or some other undesirable look. If they had one of those things, they would be like everyone else - trying to attain flawlessness. And these people long to say the same phrases the "pretty people" say. I know it and everybody else knows it, but they won't dare say it. Until I reach this point, I won't be happy. Then, the only reason for failure from anything from dating to my weekly income, will be from my "inner" self, and not 'because of some exterior imperfection as my "ball and chain," weighing me down.
In conclusion, I don't know if any of the previous will extinguish my current unquenchable thirst, but it is what I believe will determine my true happiness and thus successfulness of my life. In my mind these goals will finally put a smile on my face that I can proudly wear, without the constant abysmal feeling of emptiness inside of me. Right now there is nothing to me, though it is skillfully hidden (through years of experience) through vacant smiles and colorless laughter. For the first time in my life I am being honest in writing how I really feel, and am feeling- acceptable or not..
