May 30th
Okay... I'm officially confused as fuck now... I've gone on and on and on about Lucas and everything, but the situation is now ten times more complicated. I mean, he's been twirling me in a million different directions and emotions. First he was interested in me, then he wasn't, then he was REALLY interested, then he tells me "Let's just be friends"... And it got ten times more complicated cuzza Ashley, who's the one who introduced us, cuz she's now completely and totally lusting after him too, and she wants to teach him sexually, and she's like "Ohmigod Lucas, you're MAMMMOTH!"... And she tells me this and I'm like "I noticed when we met up together... I was like 'Daaaaamn...' and then I was, like, kinda scared of that monster =P"... Okay, I gotta start typing about what's been happening this week... Okay, first off, me and Lucas were talking on the phone for, like, hours every night! And it was so cool, and he was soooo totally interested on the phone, yadda yadda... He almost asked me to go out with him too... And then on Thursday, I was gonna take my final exam, so Ash was like "I'll pick you up and we can go hang out somewhere"... And then me and Lucas talked more and he was like "Awesome, I wanna go with you guys" and I'm like "Cool" and he's like "Call Ash on Wednesday night, find out what's going on, and then call me around 9---I should be in by then, and you can't have calls after 9, so you call me"... and so I called him while I was spastically studying for the chem exam... First I tried at 8:55, No Cary he's not in yet, try back in half an hour. Then I tried at 9:30, No Cary he's not in yet, try back in half an hour. Then I tried at 10:00, No Cary he's not in yet, try back in half an hour. Then I tried at 10:30, No Cary he's not in yet, but he called a few minutes ago and said he'd be in in another 20 minutes. So then, I was fucking exhausted, so I said fuck it I'll see him tomorrow let him figure shit out on his own, and I went to sleep. Of course, the next day when I saw him, somehow some sopic came up and I said I don't get obsessive over guys and Lucas goes "And how many times did you call my house last night?" and I'm like "You fuck, you told me to call and I did, and you weren't there so I tried back half an hour later CUZ YOU COULDN'T CALL ME CUZ I CAN'T HAVE CALLS PAST 9!"... I so wanted to smack him... So anyway, I went to school Thursday and took the Chemistry test (a 2 hour test, and I finished it in an hour and ten minutes!) and then went out to the auditorium to see if Ash was there and Lucas was driving the car and Ash was waiting by the flagpole, and when I saw her, I took off from David and ran to her. And I ran into Becca on the way, and David was watching me like "*sigh*"... a little/lot pathetic, but hey... Then we take off and Lucas tries to get money from this bank but they won't let him cuz he still has a minor account even though he's 18... So they're bitches. And then we went to Ruby Tuesday's for lunchish stuff and we got a monster ice cream thing and me and Ash got fries and Lucas TRIED to order a burger, but the waiter guy didn't realize he'd ordered something and they ended up adding that later and then he took it to go... ARGH! Then we went to my house and watched Chasing Amy and me and Lucas were kinda ergh and Lucas and Ashley were kinda unh, and I had no fucking clue that Lucas and Ashley had been fucking around on Wednesday night and Ashley was planning on teaching Lucas sexually... So I was going along with what Lucas said to ME... Which was that he'd like to go out with me if we could slow down and I'm like "No problem" so I was slowing down and so he was speeding up with ASHLEY, and he thought I didn't wanna do anything... ARGH! And Lucas was laying against me and this was after I'd moved his hand a bit to make him behave so it would be closer to the slowing down I thought he wanted... I stopped him when his hormones were getting the better of him... And then he was like "I'm not ready for a girlfriend" and I'm like "Oh no? WHAT THE HELL WAS THE TALK BEFORE??? ((as in all the other crap he was saying, not just that he'd go out with me if we could slow down)) THAT WAS NOT HARMLESS FLIRTING, THAT WAS YOU ALMOST ASKING ME TO GO OUT WITH YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH!"... But I was calmer than that. And he's like "We should just be friends" and I'm like "That's cool, friendly affection is good too"... I thought he wanted a relationship, and then he says "Maybe we shouldn't do that date... I'm sorry for leading you on, I just don't want a girlfriend right now" and I'm like "You fickle dumbass fuckhead, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND I WILL GIVE YOU FUCKING ANYTHING, YOU JERK"... cuz that's how bad I've got it for him... And Ash ended up riding him a lil through their clothes right in front of me, at which point I stood up, grabbed my jacket type thing from the loveseat, and walked out and downstairs and just sat on the steps... I cried a lil and then went back in the living room... Eventually, they left... Boohoo for me, lemme tell ya. I was sitting in front of the computer with my sunglasses on, crying my eyes out... Depression gets worse with things like that, lemme tell ya. And then Ash called later from Jamie's and despite my hurt, we made plans to go to Riverfest on Friday and whatever else... So she comes over at 1:00 on Friday afternoon and we run around my room and stuff and then she's like "Bring your swimsuit, we'll go to the pool near me"... and then later she's like "Let's not go to Riverfest"... and then she was like "Let's go to Lucas's graduation!"... and then she was like "Nevermind Lucas, let's go to Riverfest and just goof around and go swimming tomorrow"... then we went to Riverfest, stopped off at anime around 10, then drove around seeking a party or SOMETHING, and we found nothing, and then we stopped off at Jamie's for a while. Then we went back to Ash's so I could spend the night there. Okay first off, at Riverfest me and Ash were so not wanting to get lost, so we walked around holding hands, and we ran into a lot of people we both knew, yadda yadda, and Ash makes a casual remark of "Wanna be my girlfriend?" and I'm like "Huh?" and she's like "Yeah who needs males, we can just keep them as pets" and I'm like "That sounds like fun *grin*"... I guess she took that as a yes. We kissed once after we left Jamie's, and then went back to her house and watched some more tv. I gave her an innocent lil full body massage with strawberry lotion and she did the same for me (girls'll be girls, right?) and then we ended up having sex (okay, maybe it's not just ordinary girls'll be girls stuff anymore) and she was happy with it and said she liked the lesbian stuff better cuz guys don't have a clue... And the weirdest thing for me is that it didn't feel weird. It felt like normal sexual affection. I guess I've spent enough lives as both and I'm not weirded out by either... (Cary CAN give people orgasms, whaddya know)... And yeah... We ended up cuddling up for a bit, then we slept for 5 and a half hours and then got up cuz her phone rang for her grandmother... Me and Ash were sittin there like "You know, I wonder how Lucas woulda reacted if he'd known what was going on"... and Ash was like "We should get him into a threesome" and I'm like "Eh... well... maybe..." still extremely unsure about, well, EVERYTHING. And then around 9 we called Lucas's and he was asleep, and he called us back at 10:30, and Ash was like "Lucas, me and Cary REALLY need to talk to you and tell you something, but it's something we gotta tell you in person, cuz we really gotta see your face when you hear this"... And he was like "I'm going out to climb Pinnacle Mountain today with Roetzel, (someone else), and Stephanie (his best friend who's moving and he wants to spend time with her), but I'll try to catch up with you guys later"... and we're like "You better," and Ash tells him that we'll either be at my house or at anime and probably Riverfest later (cuz Collective Soul was playing at 9:30 that night)... so he knew where we were gonna be and all, and then we sit around at my house from like noon till 6 like "He needs to come by here SOOOO bad"... and we ended up listening to Rent in my room for a coupla hours, and she fell asleep on my bed so I let her nap for an hour from 4:40 till 5:40 and then I got her up so we could eat dinner and go pick Jamie up and then go to anime... And so we did all that stuff, and anime was boring the hell out of us so we left and went to Riverfest after driving by Roetzel's to see if they were maybe THERE, and they weren't, so we went on to War Memorial stadium and caught the shuttle bus to Riverfest and then walked around for a while and asked after Roetzel EVERYWHERE Ash saw folks from the Catholic schools and nobody had seen him (Roetzel's taller than Lucas, so he'd be the one people would see) and we ran into Joe too and I had already told Ash about how Joe had this tremendous sex appeal and then she was like "That's who you were talking about?? Hell yeh he has sex appeal!"... and she put pink hair mascara in the blonde part of his hair. It was cute. And we sat around with a buncha folks she knows at the River Market food type building... I might go to the Cancun restaurant near me and meet up with a few of em on Tuesday afternoon... They're cool, I like em... And Ash was getting impatient, so eventually we left to try to find Lucas again... And when Collective Soul was playing, we were walking around trying to spot them in the crowd (to no avail) and then we were standing at the back like "Okay, let's go back to catch the 10:30 shuttle" and then I see Chris with a group of 4 guys and I'm like "I hope that's not......" and then Robert turns around and smiles at me and I'm like "ASHLEY WHAT THE FUCK IT'S FUCKING CJ!" cuz I recognized him from the back... and then for some reason, they took off in the other direction when they realized I recognized them, so me and Ash took off into the crowd to find them... I looked for CJ while she looked for Lucas, and then we still couldn't find em... but I did run into Terra and David (who go to Central---actually they just graduated), so it was okay anyway. They're cool. But then we left and caught the shuttle around 11... and on the same bus was this guy Kevin from my French 2 class last year, and I was like "Hey!" and he sat in front of us and me and him and Ash talked some (Methinks Ash was interested in him... Hell, I flirted with him all last year, can't blame her. He's cool and cute in a sorta weird way) and then we got back to the stadium, found Ash's car, and drove back to my house, still cursing Lucas for not having the common courtesy to actually FIND us... and then Ash slept over and my mom had us sleep in different rooms. And we woke up around 8:30 this morning and she left at 9 and then I went up to Lakewood to church... And Ash called me a lil bit ago and said that Lucas was like "Sure, I'll check with my mom when she gets home and then maybe you guys can come over to my house this afternoon... Can I at least get a hint about what emotions I'm going to feel?" and she actually gave him a hint and I'm like "Dammit Ash..."---but now I'm still waiting... grr... I really like Lucas, and Ash likes both of us, and I like Ash too, but not as much as I like Lucas (but that's just me) and I dunno what the fuck Lucas wants (but I know I'd give him anything he wanted, just cuz he has that power over me...) and I'm CONFUSED... This is the most confused I've ever been I think... it's horrid... I dunno what the fuck I'm doing or anything... I'm sexually confused, emotionally battered, and physically tired. I don't know who I want, I don't know what I want, I don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where THIS is going, NOTHING!... This is so fucking irritating... And it's fucking impossible to get good advice on this subject. I mean, either it's someone who's inexperienced and uninterested in that sorta thing and who's like "Ew gross, monogamy is the only way to go"... and that's ignorant... Or it's someone who's light years beyond my experience and they're like "YEAH! GO FOR IT!" and they forget that I really like the guy and I'm confused about just about everything this involves... I'm so emotionally fucked up right now... ARRRRGH! And I wrote this letter to Lucas after the Thursday incident, and I haven't given it to him yet... urgh. Help?
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