My thoughts on Love

If a word has ever been thrown around in the history of the adolescent form of the English language, it's Love. Actually, Love closely follows such throwaround adolescent words as "tight," "sheeeit," and "Biznatch". But it's at least in the top 5. And everyone has their own definitions of what "love" is or should be... Dane, par example, sees love as having many different forms... Among them, desire for wellbeing and self-sacrifice. Ask Dane about his views of love someday... they're quite interesting...

As for me... I'm terribly mushy and romantic and "AWWWW!!!"... it's just that I have no one to be like that with, so that's turned into bitterness against the male species in general. And specifically against couples. But that doesn't change that I have my own dreams of true love... I'd love to get married, move to somewhere that's half suburban and half rural, have a huge backyard and lovable puppies, a view of mountains on one side and the ocean on the other, beautiful sunsets... but I'm getting off on a rant. As I was saying... My dream is to find the person I never thought I'd deserve. And then get married, move to a big house barely still in suburbia, and have a couple of children... Maybe write from my home and teach something somewhere... I want love. I want peace on earth. I want to not neccessarily DESERVE the man I marry, but I want to know that he's the most wonderful male on the planet. And I'm a complete and total romantic too. I know who I want to marry. I want to marry my best friend. I don't know who that is yet, but the point is... I want to know someone for years, be as close with them as is humanly possible, and eventually we'll realize we're in love with each other and then get married and be a wonderful couple who related to each other so well before. I want to marry my best friend... And it gave me a nice lil feeling when Andrew got kinda insulted when I said he was a wonderful friend... cuz *I* knew what I was saying, and he was like "Oh THANKS"... I mean, you talk about ideals, he's it for me. And I don't know if he even knows that... I don't know if it MEANS anything, but I know that if I were to let myself fall in love with someone for real in the next couple of years, it'd be him... speaking ideally here.

But you know what sucks? My parents killed my concept of romance!!! I mean, my mom and dad were married after they'd only known each other 2 and a half months... they bonded over used books... approval from my mom's little brother came because my dad sounds like a foghorn when he blows his nose... they married because they figured they may as well and it was safer than driving the road between them (cuz that road was so dangerous one of them was bound to be killed in an accident) and the divorce rate was so high there (between Florida and Georgia actually) that they figured they wouldn't last. And they've lasted 27 years. It's a lovely little trick, but I SO don't want that for me. It's so unbelievably unromantic. It may have worked for them, but IDEALLY, I do NOT want that. I don't want to insult my parents or anything, but GEEEEEEZ... It may be love, but that's not how I wanna get married. Hell, they virtually eloped. Got married on base, didn't even invite my grandparents (and so my grandfather didn't go to my oldest brother's wedding or to my uncle's wedding)... Anyhoo. I mean, when my mom started to tell me, I wanted a SWEET story. I didn't want "And we bonded over our love of old books, and I knew he was single when I met him at that Officer's club because no wife would let her husband out of the house with his shoes looking like that, and got married 2 and a half months after we met cuz we figured it wouldn't last anyway"... It's very disappointing. But I still have my ideals...

I WOULD like to find love, but I don't really think it's going to happen in the forseeable future. I mean, Lucas got me kinda... umm... shall we say, bitter again... but it's okay, cuz I fell in love with an anime character to make up the difference. Nevermind that it's an anime character who looks surprisingly like Lucas. Van-sama is still an anime character who's safe and cute and wonderful and yadda yadda yadda. Love is a strange thing. I love a cartoon now. Which is not to say I haven't before. Adolescent males are such caricatures... Don't shake your head, you know it's true ;)

For what it's worth, I do believe there is someone out there for me. I dunno if I've found him yet. And I dunno if I'll find him within the next school year. And I'm not even 100% sure it IS male. But based on my record, it probably will be. Somewhere, there's someone who WILL be single when I meet him and who DOES like females and who is NOT intimidated by my mind and who ISN'T more interested in a different shy lil geek than he is in THIS shy little geek... And maybe it will even be someone who thinks I'm the most wonderful person in the world and that he's the luckiest man alive to have me, while I'm thinking the exact same thing about him. Hopefully it'll be someone who can pick me up, take care of me, protect me, and teach me how to seriously kick ass and be totally independent. Someone to be my teddy bear and my bodyguard, and it'd be nice if I could protect him once in a while too. Someone I don't hafta slow down for when I'm talking about deep subjects. An intellectual with a mind for the surreal... Who'll laugh at my jokes and listen to my day... Someone who'd rather die than hurt me... Someone who isn't scared by my desire to be physically close to him... And maybe he's hoping to find someone like me right now too...