Fallen Tears Inwardly Shed
A Look Into the Psyche of a Bad Poet
Oh, the musings of a lost dreamer can be such a splendid event. Too bad they're gonna suck in this case... At any rate, here are a few poems written by me... Either inspired by a PMS kick, by a manic depressive state, or by a plain old disgust at the world in which we live and slave.
Well lessee... my fucking St John's Wort wore off cuz we switched brands, and it ain't the one that's been working for me. And so then I fell into this depression spiral again, and started writing... It's February 27th...
Black Roses Charred and loyal, Tried and true. Burn me up, Spit me out. Fire 'em up... Incinerated Burnt roses.. Lost loves? Disappointed? Dissatisfied? Turn those red roses Into dusty black Charcoal sweetness... Fragile to the touch, But at least it keeps the bees away
Coal Strike me while I'm down. You'll never know the reason why I look away and frown, Or why I walk away and cry. Chase me, call me, hold me, Reassure my wounded heart. But please, don't strike or scold me, Or I know I'll fall apart A voice tells me "Don't be sad, You have no reason to. I know you shouldn't feel so bad!" ...But it's what I WANT to do. You put a silencer on your speech. No one but me feels its sting. An understanding is never reached... You just know how to give pain wings. You still don't understand my tears, You still don't understand my pain, You don't get my confusion, my wasted years, But you still drown me with acid rain. I still don't understand my reasons I still don't understand my goal Now I'll leave and embrace the seasons And turn my heart into coal
Naïveté The gate closes, Of course she hears But she maintains perfect naïveté... The fate's chosen, Her friends all jeer But she maintains perfect naïveté... The glass is broken, He's nowhere near But she maintains perfect naïveté... The shard slips, unspoken A slice of cheer.. But she maintains perfect naïveté... Her face, in the casket, frozen Draws a little fear... She IS perfect naïveté.
Tiny Phantoms Haunt my mind, please? Give me something to look for? Something to search for, In vain no doubt, but search... Chasing tiny phantoms... I almost caught one, once But that was long ago... I spend all day Chasing phantoms Phantoms I can't see Tiny phantoms Running away from me...Submissive Miss Jane I watch your fragile form. You're bent and contorted with shame, You've been pressed against the wall, You're resigned to a life of pain. Where's the strength we once admired, In that little girl, suave and serene? Beaten into submission, and now You only live to preen... Just try to satisfy him You know you never can But you'll never stop trying To please your little man... Long ago, you folded up your pride And tucked it safely away Perhaps it's in an attic somewhere Just waiting for the day...Quitting England I'm quitting England. I'm getting on that train, And I'm leaving... You CAN run from pain. Maybe I'll stop in Scotland Maybe I'll room in Wales Maybe I'll ask a Viking If I can ride, and maintain his sails. Maybe I'll go to the ole USA, And drive on the wrong side of the road. Maybe I'll go to the Middle Ages To find a prince turned into a toad. I can escape anytime I want All I hafta do is ask I'll be free of every drudge, Every responsibility and task. And then, my dear, I'll smile at you Without a slice of regret And I'll walk away and toss my hair And then, of course, forget.Saint John's St. John, why won't you tell me If this Wort that bears your name is great, Why must I slip back into sadness? Pointless sadness, pointless hope. Saint John's little plant Made me feel so much better... I felt alive, complete, wanted... And then you tricked me into believing And you killed my hope And now, they haven't seen me like this And I wish they wouldn't. You were with me since before I met them And they don't know how I've been Will my depression make them reject me? And will they accept that it's no fault of mine But entirely yours? My wrists don't have scars, My eyes haven't been cried out, But that doesn't mean I'm not in need.... So I'm addicted. Addicted to hope. Addicted to that fleeting positive feeling... Saint John, will you let your herb work again?These are some more I wrote with the aid of the Poet's Brainstorm at CT where we were given a few phrases and went with em and wrote poems out of em... That's the best way to write, for me at least... Written: 12/15/98
Bottled up feelings Show me up, Tear me down, Teach me how to cry. Take me down from my shelf Take my bottled up feelings in your hand Take the bottle... Smash it... Break me, Save me, Because I can't... I'm numb Stab me with your eyes I can't feel it Slice me with your words I conceal it They're in the bottle In the jar On the shelf I don't like it... But I have no choice Break the bottle now. Or forever hold my peace.no love Emptiness, Frigid Darkness, Biting cold... Vacant stare, Absence of mind, Vacant heart... "Heart for rent" "Going dirt cheap" "Never used" Rhythmic patterns of yes and no Crowding up my day... It never changes Still the same...crying inside, laughing without Oh, it's fine, you know it is I'm as happy as a june bug I'm as happy as a clam I'm as happy as you are When you hold her hand Doesn't my happy, healthy laugh tell you that? Everything is FINE! How could it be otherwise? Why would seeing you and her together... Affect me? You're so silly Of course I'm fine Now go on your way I have a box of tissues to go through. I'll be with you once my eyes aren't red.sleep won't come I toss and I turn and I cry and I burn But still, sleep won't come. I scream and I shout "GOD I HAVE TO GET OUT!" But still, sleep won't come. I dwindle and fade, consciousness pervades... And still, sleep won't come. I pop pills till I choke and pray I might croak But still, sleep won't come. I shut my eyes to the world where my heart has been hurled, But still, sleep won't come. I toss and I turn and I sob and I yearn But still, sleep won't come Your eyes haunt my brain, my lips taste your disdain And so, sleep won't come. So I'll just help it along so you'll know you were wrong And I'll let sleep come...More "ALL POET'S BRAINSTORM!" poetry... 12/13 this time...
Candy Necklace Nibbling my skin again? What do you think? That I'm coated in sugar? That I'm wearing a candy necklace? Coming without money again? What do you think? That I'm made of money? That I'm a generous, kindhearted soul? Leaving without a goodbye again? What do you think? That I'm made of patience? That I'm so in love that I won't notice? Breaking my heart again? What do you think? That I'm made of glass? That you can take me in your arms and tear me in two? Well, you're right I'm just being strung along And at any point, you can bite that string in half And all my sugar coated wonders Will come spilling out As I beg you to stop And pick up the pieces... It's cold on the ground But you want more than a candy necklace So you'll just leave me for the birdsdead yellow roses Stand by me and hold out your roses I can't take them, I'm sorry Just put them beside me I'll know you love me still And I won't feel lonely Even though once you leave these vibrant yellow roses, You won't be coming back again. Some part of you is still here Some part of everyone is still here Leave me roses, leave me violets, leave me anything Before you leave me. I want to know you love me still And that I'm not forgotten. But at night, it's so cold So cold down here, so cold. Let me touch you once more--- But no. The gates are closed. Once more is no more. The crow will sit at my tombstone And caw And maybe take one of your yellow roses But it's all right Let him have one At least somebody can hold them As the rose withers and wilts, So too does my body The dying yellow rose... The dead yellow rose... The crying corpse...Sight Tear out my eyes, Help me see! Where's that light? What's behind it? What is that in your eyes? Do you love me? Could you love me? Will you let me Look in those eyes Forever? Deep blue... Sparkling... Comforting me... Holding me... Smiling at me... All from those eyes. Tear MY eyes out, Don't let me see. If I see.... Who knows. Maybe I'd rely on you more. Maybe I'd love you more.... Maybe I'd be hurt by you more. So maybe I should go blind. Help me tear my eyes out You helped me to see Now help me to REALLY see.This is a poem that I wrote when I couldn't stop thinking about, um... Jason =):
Jason How can you be so endearing? I smile when I think of your eyes. Everytime you begin nearing My stomach gets butterflies It's not that it overcomes me, Or that you're ALL I can see, to be sure. But there's something about you, just something That makes my days less to endure. A dreamer rests behind those pale blue eyes But who is your dream? Not I. You won't successfully see through my disguise. My scheme is what helps me fly. I hold myself back, or at least I can try. I can convince myself that you don't care. I can blame it on you everytime that I cry, But tell how I feel? I don't dare. I'm a friend, and for that I'm glad You'll greet me in the hall and smile But I see you see her, and then I feel bad, I wish I had her charm: to lull and beguile. Ah, she is perfect, but I am not. And I say there's no difference it makes. But I see all she has that I haven't got She's sweet and beautiful, for heaven's sakes... She talks and hugs and cuddles you. And to this you seem amazed, As if no one so beautiful has yet to Maintain the illusions of your gaze. I can't blame her, I see the attraction But there's one thing I can't see... How can you look away, in all satisfaction, Without seeing the pain inside of me? I don't ask to be worshipped, just to be loved, And asked to dance, at least once or twice, And sat next to when there's plenty of space on the bus, And given some emotional spice... Emotional spice, so my heart isn't plain With the redundancy of "Maybe some day"... I hear that over and over till I'm no longer sane... ALL I WANT IS TO LIVE FOR TODAY Should I list that as an extension Of why I connect with you so well? I don't see in you the pretension Typical of this "Bohemian Hell"... Mark my words. Mark, my words. Be my Angel in disguise. When all I think of is Me Me, Be the song behind my eyes.These are poems written over the past few days (Right now it's 10/5/98):
Depression I can't muster the words To describe my depression I can't handle this poignant, Neccessary expression... I might try to describe it But only one time My heart yearns to tell My voice yearns to rhyme My tear ducts overflow Frequently, I would say. I feel a pain in my chest I see them everyday. I'm never so lonely As when surrounded by peers, And never so unwanted As when attacked by their leers. It's painfully obvious As I get back into the flow, Back into routine, They could never know... I haven't felt happy In quite a long while Although I can force The occaisional smile I'm an actress, you see. But the challenge begins When I realize I don't Want them to let me win. I analyze my character I cry over my life I wonder of realities I run from my strife. But just what's wrong with my life? Honestly not a thing, to be blunt. I have enough friends, I'm funny and smart, I guess I'm just a dissatisfied---jerk. I say they reject me I say they don't want me here But I think that acceptance Is what I really fear.This one was written because of Homecoming... can you tell that I'm a LITTLE bitter?!?
Homecoming Happy Homecoming! That means go away. Oh I'm so happy for you, You're on homecoming court, You have a fabulous date To this premature prom. Don't worry about me, Sweetykins. Don't so much as think of me And how I'll be sitting at home Crying because I want so much To be accepted by you and your happy friends At a homecoming dance. Dance your little hearts out Jump around and get chastised for indecent movements Enjoy the company Don't give a second thought to my loneliness. Hell, you never do anyway. Why should homecoming be any different?This poem was written cuz of Joanna's "All Poet's Brainstorm" board...
Jilted Angel Jilted Angel... Be gentle with her heart, And don't forget She's been jilted by people... People like you, Long ago... And yesterday. They run together to smoothly When you're merely a jilted angel. Yesterday, tomorrow, last week... They're all the same. None of them are real When you're merely a jilted angel. You dream a little dream You give a little slack You steal a little kiss You give the jilted angel pity Because she's not like you And she's not like them And she's not like her joyous peers Who look at a half-filled glass And see that it's half-filled. When she looks at this half-filled glass, She wonders if it's poison. Such is the way of life When you're just a jilted angel.This one was written because of the All Poet's Brainstorm too...
Neglection Neglection The tears hurt her eyes The spasms hit her temples Her chin shakes and quivers And the stream of saltiness begins She tries to hold back To not let her pain be known But it doesn't help It insists to be shown. The first salty drop Slips out of her eye Traces a gentle path Down her forlorn face And then comes another, The dam has just broken No need to forgive Your attitude is a token Of why she's always felt So unwanted, so unloved. Is she a greedy brat as her father has teased? Is she a worthless intellectual as her classmates think? Is she alone and ugly as she has always told herself? Or is she just ignored, as told by the person who never said anything to her? Neglected, ignored, abandoned, lost... Hold her, comfort her Ask her if she's going to the dance Because you know, she's worried.... If no one even cares enough to ask, does she even have a chance? Surprise her with a hug Or even with flowers Daisies, Violets, Roses... Just let her know She's not neglected. Neglection is a terrible way to not say anything.And this one was also written because of the All Poet's Brainstorm... A fabulous idea. If you're ever in a large poetic group, you must try it... Just give one phrase and then people will make up whole poems just because of that one word or phrase...
Sand Sand in her hair Sand in her eyes Sand in her throat Holding back goodbyes Sand in her shoes Sand in her clothes Sand in her heart Where no one goes... Walking the beach Late in the night Under the stars Make it all right... Hold her heart Hold her hand Now you've gone You've turned to sand...
These next three poems are poems I wrote within the past 24 hours (of 9/21/98):
Lying Tell me you love me You don't hafta mean it I just hafta hear it Honest or not. Now please just hold me You don't hafta feel it I can think you conceal it To stay macho... Could you please kiss me? You don't hafta like it But won't you please try it? I need contact... Please lie here with me. You don't hafta stay long Just lie here until you Can't lie anymore.
This next poem is one I wrote a couple afternoons ago after a lovely, manic day at school.
Who Am I? Who am I? Am I anyone to be noticed? Am I anyone to be seen? Am I anyone to be viewed, Even once, with love and respect? Am I anyone who can cry? Am I anyone who can laugh? Am I anyone who is anything to anyone at all? Am I anyone who could possibly matter to you? Am I anyone who you might look at, For once, without disgust? Am I anyone to be thought of? Am I anyone to be pursued? Am I anyone to be speaking about anything like this? Am I anyone to be comforted until the pain goes away? Am I anyone worth comforting? Am I anyone who is good enough for anything? Am I enough of an anyone to wish that you, Just once, would see me as good enough? Could I ever be good enough? Will my words ever amount to anything more to you, Than the ramblings of a crazy girl? But who am I... You know me well enough to think nothing of me So I ask YOU You who are obviously the wisest of the wise Do you know shit about me? And if you don't, why do you judge me still? Look at me, don't see me. But see ME. And now you can tell me. Who am I? Am I anyone? Are you?
And here is one I wrote in the middle of a really strange spell... This really is a roller coaster, like the title says. My mind, sadly enough, goes this way a lot of the time.
Roller Coaster What's in the cards? Do I want to know When I can't rely On you to go? To go when things Get too rough Or when my love Isn't enough... You can leave me again I can't stop you anymore You can walk out on me You can slam the door You can slap me with a look Or slice me with a touch Or kill me with a word When the word's one too much You can do anything to me I won't fight you now You can run around, sleep around Don't give me a who, why, or how But don't lead me on And don't duck for cover Don't keep me in darkness As your second choice lover. Leave me when you're through with me Don't keep me around, just in case Because I have better things to do I don't feel like being second rate Why won't you just leave me? I've seen through your disguise Because somebody finally lifted Your goddamned wool off my eyes So I know I can't trust that You'll be honest and true Now set me free, let me love Don't make me stay here with you. Because I am faithful You make me third rate You think I don't hear The nightly creak of the gate But you don't tell me a thing I wait around everynight Hoping that you'll stay And make things all right But not any longer I won't take your shit You just don't understand That that, dear, was IT! Now I am through with YOU Check your heart at the door I won't pity your poor self Or take you back anymore I started off lonely And that turned into fear And then into anger. I DON'T NEED YOU HERE!
And here is one I wrote about... someone... A near and dear friend who I care very much for and am eternally indebted to... But I also have been lusting after him for a while. Shhhh... I don't think he knows
Someday You're not the type I could ever have You're not the kind of guy who'd look my way You're perfect, just so right for me You're the guy I need and hope to stay. There's nothing about you I wouldn't call Wonderful, perfect, great, or divine If I had you now, I'd die without you You turn the acid in my glass to wine But you don't see me, you only see her Not that I can blame you at all She's everything I ever wanted to be Next to her I feel rather small She's the perfect queen, you're the perfect king, And what would I be? A Joker? Your kids? An Ace of hearts, a Jack of trades, In a romantic analogy of Poker. So I'm dealt my hand, and it's two of a kind It's you and I, I guess But her hand, a full house, everything I lack, And as always, she's the best. You're not the type I could ever have Even if you WOULD look my way Because I'm just a friend to you But I still grasp to catch "Someday"
And now for a poem that I wrote for a girl I care very deeply for who was hurting so much because of shit people were saying... People can be so cruel. This one is for all the girls who've ever strived to not let it show when insults and sarcasm hits home.
Stubborn And you try so hard to be so hard In this hard world where we live But you don't know, or it doesn't show, That you need to take a little more than you give You're a passive, empathic, possessor You possess a sweet heart, I can tell You want to be, try to be, tougher So we don't know that you're going through hell. It's not working, it's so quirky You don't know that I know you by heart You try to detain me, and then you try to blame me, But it's not my fault, I'm just playing my part. It's not my fault that you're not at fault And you're not shielded from people, just thicker You try to tell me, that you don't need me And I'm not making you age any quicker You can be stubborn quite so stubbornly But please don't close your heart just yet Because you've a lot of love to give If you can find a person prepared to get You work so hard, and try so hard And search for love in these places so wrong I'd think you would know, maybe it just doesn't show That it's not so easy as it is in those songs
This one was written... Well shit, I don't know why it was written. Perhaps as a shout out about all the love that is there that a lot of people don't think is genuine...
My Crime You run thru my mind, I run thru your heart I listen to you, my ears have a part In the game that I play, but what I don't know Is that if I love you too, why can't I say so? It's not a secret, I just wish it were It's not silent, it insists to be heard I turn it away, it always comes back I close my eyes, and my world goes black but there it remains, stuck in my head How could I deny the rejection I dread? If I'll be rejected, let it be by you And let it suffice that I love you too And here's my confession, I hope it's enough to let you know, my heart's not too tough.. You broke in without knowing, you'll leave by sighing That I never loved you, and that I was just lying You don't know what I feel, because I can't speak I can't risk losing you, my heart's just too weak so I let you think that I don't feel the same But I do, and my wild heart won't be tamed If it's not by you, your unconditional love The feeling so fitting and sleek like a glove... If you still don't believe my feelings are true, The blind man on the corner can see more than you.
And this one was written when I felt so awful after hurting people I love so much... To hurt those you love more than anything is about the same thing as sticking a knife into your own stomach.
Shame History often repeats itself This I've often heard And I conclude that this is true From what I have inferred The torture of my alienation Consumes my mind and soul I look to you for my salvation But then plunge into this hole And then I'm stuck with no escape Your eyes burn into my heart I have to leave, I can't just wait For my accursed luck to start. And so I ask, who can I blame Except my all too unlucky fate That pulled me into this eternal game And gave too little help too late? Don't hate me, I can't take it My soul twists and contorts in shame Don't give me your heart, I fear I'd break it And I know I'm who you'd blame. Is it my fault that I can't read "Fragile, Handle with Care"? Don't love me back, that's the deed That makes life hard to bear. Where could I go to get away From the life I fucked up here, Somewhere I couldn't be led astray From those I hold so dear? This damned existance I call life Is dwindling, fade to black. All I feel is pain and strife So I turn away, and I won't look back. Not even for you.
This one was a relatively odd one to write down... Inspired by what, I don't know. You read it.
Whose Life? And I fall slowly, I can't look down. I hold my breath so I won't drown. I suffocate, trying to save my breath. I feel your sweet hand, the sweet hand of death. But is it a death, or just a brief sleep? I'll rest while into my room, slowly you'll creep. You'll look down on me, and laugh without mirth. You'll kiss my cheek, and give me rebirth. I awake and I gasp for the air that I lack. I look 'round for you, and call you, "Come back!" But you stay away, you won't heed my call, And I cry and wonder, were you e'er there at all, Was all I remember pure imagination? I close my eyes and feel the sensation. I cry 'cause you're here. I cry 'cause you're not, I cry for the things I'd never been taught. I hurt with the pain, I hurt with your joy, I hurt, and I hurt, damn your cruel ploy.
Links to other sites on the Web
I would appreciate your feedback on these poems...
© 1997
This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page
