Fallen Tears Inwardly Shed

A Look Into the Psyche of a Bad Poet

Well the wonderous thing has happened. I filled up my first page of poetry to where I couldn't fit a byte more on! Well, technically I could, but I didn't wanna break up this batch... And now I'm continuing with THIS!

From 4/4 =P EEPS! DAMMIT JESS!

melt into you

Place your hand upon my side

Take me someplace I can hide

Sweep your cloak around my head

Stab my neck, make me undead

And as new blood courses through my veins

I sigh and breathe out all life's pains

And in the morning when I awake

You'll give more blood for me to take

And then I'll be beautiful beyond all dreams

And you'll be more wonderful than you used to seem

I'll be your demoness of night

I'll be your carrier of fright

And if you let me sink into your arms

I'll melt away and be safe from harm

And I'll be part of you, for all time

And I'll be yours, as you'll be mine




biblical satans

Biblical Satans, pillars of salt,

And sugar plum faeries...

Away in a manger, at the gates of Heaven,

Second star to the right and straight on till morning.

But, I mock...

Raising people from the dead...

Burning in an eternal barbecue

Roasting your little ass off...

Because you didn't believe

Because you couldn't believe

Because those who believed couldn't either.

And I buckle my bible belt

And place my crucifix in my vest

And I pretend. 

I play Cops and Robbers.

And so do they.

I realized the game long ago...

And I sit in time out

While they continue to fear

Biblical Satans, that are found as easily

in a Disney movie...


Cotton dreams

Soft and fluffy, 

Cushion my head

Comfort me today...

It's been awful rough

Let me dream

Let me forget

Let me ask 

"Did I dream that or did it really happen?"

Let me wear my dreams as easily as jeans

100% cotton jeans

100% cotton dreams

Won't ever wrinkle

Won't ever fade...

Let me forget

Let today fade...


Medallion

Cracking down into my back

Whip me into shape, oh master

Never cut me an ounce of slack

Train me, blame me, you fucking bastard.

I push myself to succeed for you

To show you the medallion I won

And you shake your head, what can I do?

You think I've only just begun.

This medallion is what I worked to

Night and day, for the past 3 years

I didn't want to work, I did this for you

So I wouldn't see disappointed tears

And when I'm here, you're not even proud

You just say I could have done better... 

Well I think bronze is better than gold, it's not as loud...

And I think a postcard's as good as a letter. 


Swing Blue Anthem

Barney, Lambchop, Eureka's Castle

Sesame Street, Mr. Roger's too, 

And everything that made our childhood RICH--

And now... Teletubbies, and Blue...

At 10 we joined "I hate Barney" clubs

And now we laugh at Falwell, Jerry.

Who cares about the sexuality of a GOD-KNOWS-WHAT?

Why's Falwell looking for a skirt or something hairy???

But for now, let's move on from there

And what else might we have to say...

Our childhood was corrupt, but at least we had

More decent shows than they have today

And if I hear an impatient yell

Of "BLUES CLUES!" one more time

I'm going to chuck the brat right out the window

And join a troop of psychotic mimes.



Amnesia Lane

Is it my fault I can't remember

As soon as I look in your eyes?

I get lost in a path I don't know

And I can't get out---stupid guys...

And so I take a trip, maybe a fall,

And lose who I am down Amnesia Lane...

And I forget where I am or why I'm here

And I stop feeling any little pain...

I've lost myself in your eyes

Thousands of times before tonight

But when you kissed me, I found myself

And for once, I know I'm alright...

----and I just ran out of room again

Of course... All Poet's Brainstorm... =P 3/19... the one right below is 3/18...

unkindly words
Slice at me,
Stab at me,
Just don't give me
Those words 
Anymore...
I can deal with abuse
I can cope with misuse
But not with rejection
At least not 
Anymore...
And I can cry out my pain
And I can die out of shame
At public humiliation..
Whip me in the street
Let me land at your feet
But don't curse me
And say I'm not needed...


disorderly fashion 

As she flips through her closet
And drips through her clothes
She realizes she's melting
And nobody knows...
She's done it for years---
Organize and refine!
And now she looks in the neatness
And can't find her own mind.
So she'll throw on a cardigan
On top of a vest
With a pair of flared jeans
And a star on her chest
And white flannel socks
With orange shoes to match
With a baseball mit in her hair
To make that great catch...
Disorderly fashion?
She'll acknowledge that
And a newly found mind?
No doubt.


sweep of innocence

Stroke the floor
Sweep up the sorrow
Pretend it's just dust
And there's always tomorrow
The sweep of innocence
Will cheer you right up, you see
Brush those tears aside
Like a drop of spilled tea
Nothing's a big deal
Be naive and secure
Sweep it under the rug---
Never look in the mirror...


unrecognized

Walk me down the halls... please.
Can they even see... Me?
I've been to school with them for... years.
But they can't even begin to see my... tears.
I'll pause, maybe they'll notice... me.
Or maybe they'll forget... As always...
And so I can go unrecognized,
Live from day to day
Like a fly on the wall
Listen to everyone else
But never---never---have my own say
Because they don't notice... me.

stolen braids

"OUCH" cries the girl in 1st grade
As the boy laughs and just tugs more
"BILLY" shouts the teacher in 1st grade
As the boy sulks and is put out the door...
"YUCK" cries the girl in 4th grade
As the boy kisses her on her hair
"BILLY" shouts the playground aid
As the boy blushes and sits out again
"You're my love" says the girl in 9th grade
As the boy strokes her hand
"YUCK" cries the 6 year old observer
As Billy kisses the girl in the sand.
"BILLY!" cries the girl in 12th grade
As the boy struggles with his zipper
"Sorry" says Susie beside him
As the girl runs out the door
"MARY!" cries the boy in the cold
As Susie steps outside the door
"STOP!" cries Susie from behind
And Billy sees something to cry for
"MARY!" sobs the boy in the cold
As he kneels to pick up the note
"Goodbye" the note solemnly reads
With a drop of blood at the top
"NO!" sobs the boy in the cold
As the ring falls from his hand
"Come away" says Susie, her eyes growing cold
And he turns away from the sight 
and knows for sure, he's damned..



time keeper

I measure my hours, my minutes
My seconds--and thirds,
By you
You, who are so steady
So constant
So forever there
You're my time keeper
In 45 minutes, you'll call
In an hour, you'll apologize
For fighting with me,
In 15 minutes, you'll fight again
And in two hours, you'll apologize
Again
So constant
I love you
No matter what
No matter how time flies
As long as I'm with you
It soars.
Choppy maybe,
But soar it does.

Cellular Spinsters

And it rings---
Gossip to me...
No fence this time.
100 years
Too late.
Who's dating who?
And why, anyway?
Give me the details
And what about that guy
We used to both date?
Is he gay now?
Some may call us 
Cellular Spinsters
We just call each other.

Craving on the Bend

Desiring...
Go down tunnel,
Go down...
My craving,
My desire,
My longing...
Talk to me
Turn to me
Fold to me...
Melt for me...
Don't make me
fold for you.
My craving
Bends for you
Worships you
What will it be?

Pillow Stream

Screaming your name
Muffle me, pillow...
Crying my shame
Muzzle me, pillow
Cursing the game
Smother me, pillow
Cover my disgrace
Hide with me, pillow
Redden my face...
Cry with me, pillow

angelic beating

You touch me so softly
Yet I can't help but wonder
If those pit pat of wings
Eventually will make me cave under
Be an innocent angel
Smile, be naive
Beat me unknowingly
And win when you leave...
I don't realize you beat me
Until I collapse on the floor
Your angelic beating---
Let me live no more.

Gutterwise

I've seen you before,
Walking down the street,
Nails polished,
Eyes glazed. 
And you met my stare
Maybe once or twice
And looked like you
Might ask for help...
But instead
You touch the holes
In your slight arm
And go the other way...
Your clothes are tattered
And your soul is too
And your body's for sale
But whose isn't?
"We're all sellouts"
You'd say
"I'm just the only one
who KNOWS"...
My Gutterwise angel.
No longer in my classes
Can I see your hallpass?
Why are you here?
Why did you sell your soul
For vodka and heroin?
Little girl wishes
Twisted around...
Sugar and spice
And everything nice,
With a lil bit o' gin
Stirred right on in.

Iron Tamed

Pounding out the metals
All day, all night
Makes you wonder
If it'll be all right
Long ago I sat
On my porch, in the 'burb
Being dissatisfied
With anything but herb
And then my old man
Turned to me with a nod
"Son" he said what he called me
"Why don't you get a job?"
I blew smoke in his face
And stomped out the butt
But when he died the next day
I fell into my rut...
And so I took up that job
At 'ye old iron shop'
And I'm taming my life
Thanks to you, pop...

Paper Angels

Never have I seen
Perfection so obscene
Folded out of old Playboys
And hotrod magazines
You say you're just so sweet
They say you're just so neat
But I see your crooked halo
And it's made of rotten meat
And the flies can buz around you
While admiration still surrounds you
But they MUST see the rottenness
They're absolutely bound to...
Now just flap your paper wings
Make the air here start to sing
And as they start to flame
I still won't say a thing

On the Reefs

Run on the beach
Feel the waves at your feet
But realize
On the reefs
Lays a lot of pricks and pain
Enjoy this level
But don't swim out beyond
Or your knees will start scraping
And your hands will start grating
And your eyes will start tearing
On the reefs
The beauty of the coral
Is outweighed
By its sharpness
Remember
Beauty bites

Observe the Flame

Dance to me, flame
Warm me up, flame
Now you, watch
Watch the flame..
It dances to the sky
It tries to escape
And if you put your hand upon it
Then my dear, it's just too late.
You'll be burned, my dear human
And if you fail to comply
And neglect to respect it
You may just die
Observe the flame, 
It licks with a passion
But a fiery finger
Is not quite in fashion.
Keep your hand from the flame
But don't deny it now..
It has intense beauty,
Without explaining how...

Written on 9/20, and then lost:

Tear-Stained Pillow

Tear-stained Pillow 
Cradling my tired head 
Soaking in my painful memories 
Saving me from my painful day 
Tear stained pillow 
Crying in return 
Soaking up the pain 
Soaking up the shame 
Tear stained pillow 
Soaking in my screams 
Muffling my screams of anguish 
So no one hears my cries 
Tear stained pillow 
Softening my hardened throat 
I collapse against the bed and sob 
And reach once again to 
My tear stained pillow 
My comfort throughout the pain 
Why can't everyone else be more like you? 
Soak it in, take it from me, comfort me 
Give me something soft to hold 
Something to take away my shame 
Something to take away my pain 
I have a tear stained pillow 
But I'd rather have your shoulder 

Not quite sure when this was written... but...

And...

And there's a rage I can't control
And it fights a path through my lips
And I say what I wish I wasn't thinking
And I pretend that I didn't say that

And there's a pain I can't suppress
And it fights a path down my cheek
And I say nothing except to myself
And I pretend that I'm not there....

And there's a lie I can't fight back
And it fights a path through my life
And I say nothing except "I love you"
And I pretend that I knew what it meant

Another coupla all poet's brainstorms... dunno when...

Sister

Switch clothes with me 

Switch boys with me 

Alternate parents with me 

Alternate depression with me. 

Be my sister 

Be my friend 

Be my aid 

Be my constant 

Don't be related 

Just be my dear... 

Be there for me to gossip with 

Be there for me to comfort you 

Don't leave me alone 

And I don't leave you 

Be my sister, 

Be my sweet, 

Be who you are 

Help me with who I am

When He Fell

When she left 

He fell 

When he flunked 

He fell. 

Falling endlessly 

Into the dark 

Into depression 

Into numbness. 

When dad bitched 

He fell 

When mom cried 

He fell 

Falling forever 

Into the abyss 

Plunging, eyes shut, 

Clutching his heart. 

When friend mocked 

He fell 

When teacher judged 

He fell. 

Falling fast, 

Falling hard, 

"No more" he cries 

"Time Has Come". 

When he weakened, 

He fell. 

And when he fell, 

He fell.

Here's a freaky lil rhythmic type poem I wrote... I wish I knew where it came from... My cooler friends have said it sounds like something that coulda been in Rent =)

Untitled

Second rate-
First date,
Contemplate,
Procrastinate,
Masturbate.
First rate-
Second date,
Discriminate,
Violate,
Fornicate.
Third day,
Go away,
Not gonna play,
You hafta pay,
Unwanted lay.
Fourth day,
Come away, 
You know she may,
But never stray,
Get in her way.
Fifth week,
Something sweet,
Beat the heat,
Beat the meat,
He's up shit's creek.
Last date,
She's kinda late.
The second date
Fornicate,
Now just wait.
Last day,
No other way,
He's on his way,
He's gone away,
What will they say?
She couldn't make it
He hadta break it
She couldn't fake it
He couldn't take it.
She couldn't shake it.
Date rape
Silent gape,
Destroy the tape,
She's in bad shape,
Growing cuzza rape.
Aim the knife,
The blade will slice,
Isn't that nice,
Can't survive
Can't stay alive.
Cuz of a first rate
Second date.
Emasculate, 
Eliminate,
Contemplate.

Okay, another acid poem now... (So it's relatively strange... It was written because of how many friends I have suffering from eating disorders)

Untitled

"Oh I'm so fat, would you look at this weight??"
Said the twig on the tree to the limb
"You think that's bad, look at me,
It's been 4 years since I've been trimmed"
The branch overheard this
And looked quite offended
"I don't think this offense
Will ever be mended.
You're ranting about how fat that you are
And I'm twice your size, at least!"
And the limb replied with some certainty
"Yeah but I'm the one who pigged out at that feast!"
And the twig frowned and responded 
With a depressed, saddened face
"You say I'm small, But I'm so fat;
I feel like such a disgrace"
The limb gaped at the twig
"Honey I'd love to be your size,
I'd stay out of the fireplace, I'd model,
And I'd get attention from all the guys"
The twig frowned again
"You're a perfect weight, but I'M so fat!"
The limb jumped about and shouted,
"I weigh more than you, respond to THAT!"
And the branch said to the limb and the twig
"I hardly ever eat, but I'm still not small,
I try to be just like you, I changed my ways,
I work out, I starve, it doesn't help me at all.
I feel so worthless and out of shape"
The limb comforted the branch and said
"You're just right, you make all the boys gape,
I'm the fat one of this group"
"You're beautiful!" the twig stubbornly protested.
The limb replied, "No, I eat, and then leave the room
And get rid of the food before it can be digested"
And then the tree spoke up.
The twig, limb, and branch jumped in fear.
"Why do you compare your sizes
When you all have roots right here? 
You're made the way you are 
Because trees need branches and twigs and limbs
And we don't want any of them to want
To try to change the size of their stems.
Treasure your roots, love how you are.
If we were all meant to be the same
We wouldn't each see different stars.
Everyone's got different tastes.
Small, medium, large, it doesn't matter,
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
And no, my dears, the mirror won't shatter
If you gaze at your reflection. Just love yourself"
And the twig, limb, and branch were surprised
And scared... The tree had never spoken up before.
Sensing their thoughts, the tree sadly cried
Because her children were so distracted by illusions
That they couldn't see where true beauty was.
They asked their mother tree why she cried
She spoke softly "I heard your cries, because
You are my children, do not be afraid 
Of yourself, or of me, 
You're all beautiful
Let me help you to see"

If you look at yourself
And you see something else
Be it a cow or a pig or a whale
Say "That's not me"
And perhaps you might see
Beauty's not based on the scale

I dunno when this was written, but my guess is that it was another of the All Poet's Brainstorm sessions...

Yellow Tones

Broken records,

Faded glory,

Disintegration

Of my memory...

Why are my memories of you

So faded? 

So withered?

So aged?


It wasn't all that long ago...

I recall

Holding hands

And a fresh heart...


But now the vibrant colors are

Faded gold,

Running rough

And yellow...


Life used to be much simpler then...
 
Now yellow tones 

Are all I see...
 
Weathered, withered, dying.

I dunno when or why this was written, but it's sorta charming I guess...

Fire

Dwelling
Searching
Holding
Nearing
You're in my head
You're in my life
You're in my mind
You're in the knife.
Slicing
Piercing
Darting
Leering
You're in my sighs
You're in my groans
You're in my fire
You're in my moans
Burning
Scorching
Singeing
Ashing
Kissing 
Glaring
Leaving
Lashing

These are a few more nice little ALL POET'S BRAINSTORM things... 10/24... I was trying to compete with Jess =)

Canopy 
Shield me from the rain 
Shield me from the sun 
Shield me from myself 
Shield me from feeling 
Be my canopy 
Be my shelter 
Be my hiding place 
Be my haven 
Shield me from friends 
Shield me from pain 
Shield me from him 
Shield me from light 
Be my canopy 
Don't be afraid 
To keep me from everyone 
It's what I feel I need... 

Long Time

Hours stretch to days 
Days stretch to weeks 
Weeks stretch to months 
Months stretch to years 
But I'm stil waiting 
Still waiting 
For something 
Oh, what a something... 
And death comes softly... 
While I'm still waiting. 
And the long time goes on. 
Years stretch to decades 
Decades to centuries 
Centuries to millenia... 
And I wonder in my solitude 
Why you never came 
Why you left me to die 
Left us to die... 
Left the faithful to suffer 
Led the faithless to triumph

Gold Plated Friend 

I'll preserve you 
My loved one 
You'll be as gold in eternity 
As you were to me 
Those brief instants of heaven 
Hold your breath 
This won't hurt a bit 
I have to make you permanent 
Set in stone? No. 
You deserve gold... 
You'll be my gold-plated friend 
And you'll be with me for always 
Still as beautiful as in the old days 
Still as golden 
Still as immeasurably wonderful 

Heartrock 

You're numb, you say. 
You're cold, I feel. 
You're dumb, they say. 
You deny you're real. 
You've got a rock for a heart 
Be cold, beat me down, hate me 
Stone me with your rock solid heart... 
But the magic of this 
Is not that there's a heart like a rock 
But a rock like a heart... 

Black and White Football Field

Run, duck, dodge, challenge... 
You don't see anything 
You don't see anyone 
You forgot your technicolor glasses 
All you see is this game 
This stupid game 
This barbaric game 
Of neanderthals smacking each other 
On the ass 
Or on the helmet 
And you don't see her standing in the crowd 
And you don't see mom rooting for you from the stands 
And you don't see dad ignoring your talent. 
Ah, the mixed blessings 
Of only seeing football in black and white.

Yellow Afternoon

Blind my eyes 
Strike me down, oh sun 
Ra, slap me with your anger 
Fatigue me 
Smack me 
Slap me 
Roll me 
Make me fall 
Yellow afternoon... 
Dingy mornings? 
Can't see the river 
Can't see the buildings 
Can't see the people 
Yellow afternoons? 
Hurts to see the river 
Hurts to see the buildings 
Hurts to see the people... 
Which works better? 

When Jenny Left

A note lay on the couch 
"Sorry" it says.. 
"I just can't handle this" 
And then 
"Mom says come home" 
The lonely girl cries 
The lonely girl wonders 
The letter goes on 
"I can't lie to myself" 
The lost girl sobs 
The lost girl ponders 
The letter continues 
"I'm back with John" 
The sad girl gulps 
The sad girl clenches her fist 
The letter completes itself: 
"I love you, but..." 
And the abandoned girl 
Feels alone once again 

Courtyard

Walk with me, please? 
It's just to the next class 
No, I can't go back there 
Where are you going? 
Oh... Maybe she will... 
And then he's gone... 
The bastard... 
Oh well... 
A courtyard walk 
and its consequences 
Can be handed over 
To... her. 
Or whoever he picks on next.

Simple Intentions

And he packs the suitcase 
And she packs the tissues 
And he packs the ammo 
And she packs the black clothes 
And he packs the car keys 
And she packs the hearse... 
His simple intentions 
Tore into her heart... 
"Leave him", 
She urges herself 
"It was an accident" 
He insists... 
She calls him on his lie... 
He's trapped... 
But the intentions... 
They were so simple...

Under the Horizon

Above the horizon, 
Colors paint the sky 
Dusk dances in my mind... 
Possibilities of walks 
Beneath the moonlight, 
Beneath the stalight... 
Dreaming starts in the stars 
Maybe he'll ask me for that moonlit walk 
Maybe he'll kiss me as the sky paints itself 
Maybe he'll hold my hand with the stars as witnesses 
Maybe he'll hold me until the sun peaks up 
Over the horizon... 
But under the horizon 
I see my reality 
I see my meek nature 
I see his stubborn grin 
I see my unwillingness 
I see my fear... 
Above the horizon rest all my dreams 
Under the horizon taunt all my fears

Death with Flair

She smiles mischievously 
She points a finger 
One, two, three... 
Not her, but me. 
I'll sicken 
I'll pale 
I'll cough 
I'll wheeze 
Not she... 
She will stylize her final moments 
She will decorate the room 
She always did things with such flair... 
He left her with such flair... 
Perfumed farewell notes she'll write 
With her free hand 
She'll dim the lights 
She'll rest in the water 
She'll slice elegantly into her own wrists 
She'll control how she dies 
She'll control everything 
She wanted to die with flair... 
And because of her flair, 
He'll die too... 
Or at least she hopes so.

Plastic Attraction

"I love you" 
I've said these words 
Once or twice... 
His "I love you"s 
Were glass... 
And easily shattered 
By one little bit of neglect 
Or one little bit of contradiction. 
BREAK 
And they're gone 
BREAK 
And he's gone... 
BREAK 
And I'm alone... 
But my "I love you"s... 
They take a beating 
And they take abuse 
And they take neglection 
And they take contradiction 
And they last forever... 
My plastic attraction won't fade 
But yours is dismissed as soon as it's broken.

Image # 7

The rows of pictures stare at the wall 
The rows of images mean nothing 
But then there's #7... 
What is it in those eyes... 
What is it in that smile... 
Why can't I find that smile again... 
Everything I hoped to be... 
Everything I hoped to accomplish 
It's all there 
In those eyes... 
But not in THESE eyes. 
And why not? 

This is one I wrote gods know how long ago... a few years probably. But it IS here now.

A Lost Love

The words I heard couldn't have been real.
You'll change your mind next week.
I thought I'd tell you how I feel,
But your response looks all too bleak.

As it slowly registered in the back of my mind,
I wondered "How could this be?"
You were the only one to treat me so kind,
The only one to see the beauty in me.

My eyes don't see the same beauty as yours,
But my heart still feels all the pain.
Now living from day to day is a chore
And I lose so much more than I gain.

Now the tears have all but dried,
And my heart is still so sad.
I wonder how I could have cried
Over losing something I never had.

I'll hide my face as I walk by you
So you can't see my tears.
I'll fall in love again to defy you
While wishing you were still near.

And now, a little prose...

Individuality thoughts... Cut a little short, but it's a start!

I've been asked what makes me an individual... How could I not be an individual? When I say that I'm so much different from everyone else, and someone asks why, I just say "Because I'm me"... That's all. I'm everything but nothing, exciting but plain, outgoing but reserved... I could list the traits I have, but it's how I FEEL about them that makes me different... Maybe I'm an individual because I refuse to stoop to labelling MYSELF and I refuse to stoop to associating with a group. I'm an individual because I know I'm all I need to be.

I have no clue when this was written, seriously... I forgot about it totally... But then I found it and it was signed with -me, which is how I organized poetry.txt (with the name below the poem) and I can vaguely remember writing these words... but here it is...

Untitled

Touch my hand, 
Heal me please 
Touch my heart, 
I'm on my knees 
I will wait for you 
To kiss my cheek and say 
"Everything will be all right" 
For this, I hope and pray 
Your reassurance isn't needed 
Though it would be very nice 
But right now I'm scared, right now I need it, 
And please make it quite precise 
And then tell me the story 
Of why you can't leave me 
Of how you would sooner 
Die than deceive me 
I'll listen to you 
You make me strong 
You shimmer with strength 
And I know nothing's wrong. 
Will you be my love 
And will you hold me close 
Will you kiss me softly 
On my awkward nose 
A gentle breeze awakens me 
And I'll no longer pretend 
That what we've got will last forever 
Let's just enjoy it till it ends

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