Fallen Tears Inwardly Shed
A Look Into the Psyche of a Bad Poet
Well the wonderous thing has happened. I filled up my SECOND page of poetry to where I couldn't fit a byte more on! Well, technically I could, but I didn't wanna break up this batch... And AGAIN, I'm continuing with THIS!
You know the drill... written 4/29...
Building up to Absolution Building up stacking up Crying through the tears Seeking pain seeking joy Running through the years. Regretting this, never that, Claiming all the blame Absolving others, forgiving brothers, Omitting your own name. Building up to absolution Of yourself, to rid the guilt--- Building up to absolution Sticks the sword in up to the hilt. Vamp and Drag Billy boy in the 'burbs Does nightly things no one saw Says nightish things no one heard And embraces his nature raw. Paint your eyeballs, suburbanite. Keep your face as pale as death Slick your hair, suburbanite, Surprise us with your breath. Vamp yourself, suburbanite Rebel against your home Darken yourself, suburbanite, Take your heart to Rome. Be a Romantic, suburbanite Ignore your Baptist friends Embrace the night, suburbanite, Embrace the means to ends. Put on a dress, young Billy boy, Put bangles on your wrists Step in high heels, Oh Father's Joy, And brother's sordid kiss. Vamp and drag, confuse your foes, Pretend you don't see them stare Open the door, and out he goes But at least he's not going unaware Lamp Placing a lampshade over my eyes Made of wool and contemptuous lies Brightness comes from inside of my brain--- It gets directed, controlled, and tamed. Maybe I'm the lamp you claim to seek Maybe I'm the strong to defend the meek Maybe I'm the light at the tunnel's end Maybe I'm the lamp you shatter, "friend," How could I be anything but a light To blind my own eyes with my own might. Lamp shades cover me, but they can't keep My light from shining even as I sleep.
More stuff from same thing... written 4/24...
Be the Peace Buddha shouts from my corner As I curl up in a ball "Don't drive yourself mad Thinking things are so bad, And trouble's never been so small.. Be the peace," I think he's saying Advising me to be calm and clear To bring the memories of times long past To bring the memories that will always last To be the peace- or at least be near. The Innocence of War Little children, crying for their mommy, Blown away by their neighbor Tommy. Their little minds shatter and bleed And their eyes cry out with a deep need They'd never do what's done to them They'd never shoot someone on a whim But all the same, tomorrow night Another child will lose its life To hate, revolution, or maybe a change... To go to the other side, to be estranged To turn your back on your family, every one, And rule your brothers with a gun The innocence of war dies With every triumph of lies And with every accursed machine gun shell Those that die go to heaven, those that live are in hell. Sex and Revolution Standing up on your own in the crowd Burn your bra, burn your jock So you've never been so loud Stand up and shout down the block Shout that you won't be held back Not now, not then, and not ever That you're sick of being cut slack And being understood, but no leather. You'll stand up for freedom And be called a perv, but so? Sex times individuals equals income, A Revolution Revolving-- without a "No!"... She's all Pretenses Shake your head, little girl Ignore the pain around you Ignore the pain within you Pretend. All pretenses And why not? Pretending is fun To pretend... Is to be in a world Of your own devising And so she's all pretenses And she ignores the pain So she can pretend That she sees it nowhere. She smiles, All pretenses Be Someone Why can't I ever be someone To anyone? I'm adored by teachers, feared by peers, As a MACHINE. They see me doing everything a good girl should As a MACHINE. I'm a constancy to them, to everyone, I'm unchanging But they never see me as a person, Just a K value. Compare Carol to everyone else, and say "Why can't you do that?" And piss Carol off with every syllable LET HER BE SOMEONE! Stop assuming that she's as much as she wants to be You fool---SHE'S NOT! You push her into a corner and say "You're a fine student"... She wants to run But she can't. She's trapped in your ideas of her. butterscotch love Taffy kisses and whiskey prayers Hugs of cream and strawberry dares Butterscotch love dripping down the sink Caramel dreams won't let you think Licorice words crinkle your face Confection apologies smooth your lace Butterscotch love running down her thighs Licorice words scream licorice lies. Boiling sugar and melting hearts Sweetness dies before it starts The point of Butterscotch love was lost on the species 'Cause the whole human race has emotion diabetes
More written with that poet's brainstorm... 4/20...
Daddy,I'm going Crazy Daddy, help me, I'm gonna crack Daddy, save me, please hold me back Daddy, stop me, I took this knife Daddy, help, before I take my life Daddy, I hear voices, I know you do too, Daddy, teach me the song, the one that saved you Daddy, why did you leave me, why didn't you care, Daddy, tell me why, Daddy, why you were never there I'd sit up and cry, Daddy, in the dark, in my little bed You were never with me, Daddy, so the darkness crept into my head Daddy, I'm going crazy, help me like you should have long ago Daddy, I want to tell you, your daughter's not a ho She's not a ho like you, Dad, or like her mama now, But Dad, I'm going crazy, I want to stop--but how? Guitar Box Hidden in the compartment With a myriad of dirt Lay ten pages of music Of incomparable worth Washed up on the beach From a long since distant shore From a sullen starving artist Who finally would have no more The Romantics of the world Who take too much and lose Are a dying breed of failures Who've walked a mile in your shoes. Fading Barn As an old family crumbles Beneath the stress of industry They sell their soul They sell their farm To tobacco companies The barn, which once housed Animals, horses, pigs... Now fades As the green plant Springs up All around Addicting our children And filling their pockets
More written with the lil all-poets brainstorm... written 4/16
Voltaire's Garage The will to perform Fled me like a weasel... How can I be like that, How can I pretend? I'm not confident, I'm not talented. So I'll store all my knowledge And experience--- How useless--- In my garage. To be opened At a later date... A philosophical garage... Full of intrigue And forgotten hopes... But dismissal of smashed hopes.. Voltaire's sullen garage Gazes at me in Calcutta... Universal Irony Universal Irony... That must be what it was That they split up like they did And no good excuse "Because..." Universal Irony I envied them so bad... Many a nights I cried and wished That I had what they had. Universal Irony They had everything I desired: Someone with whom I could share, And occaisionally conspire... Universal See-saw... Just because they're split Doesn't mean I'll be happy next. Cuz I still feel like shit. False Lens Overtime She looks through thick-rimmed glasses And looks at her braces sadly No one looks when she passes... And she wants them to so badly... But next week she gets her braces off And invests in contact lenses Then she does her hair---the stuff makes her cough But she knows she'll make em lose their senses... Then she gets to school, and sure enough They suddenly begin to see And she gets a date, hey this ain't so tough, "Finally someone likes me!"... But after a year of piling it on She looks at herself in the mirror She's become false, the real her is gone False lenses kept her from seeing clearer... Gravity Overture CLUNK! Said the apple to the unexpected head BLECH! The little worm on the inside said OUCH! Said ole Newton as he floated away BYE! His wife said as she'd wanted to say HI! Shouted gravity as he fell to the ground DAMN! Said the worm as the wife made a sound GREETINGS! Said Newton as he stumbled to his feet MY! Said Newton, This is really quite neat! Before gravity came, there was none at all We all floated away, no matter how small ;) But with the introduction in this inside game Gravity, poor gravity, was there---it got a name
I wrote this on 4/15 at school...
I feel overwhelmed by the tension And I haven't the faintest clue why I scream silently and tug out my hair Then slump in a corner to cry My teeth need to bite something I wish my fingernails were long... I need to scratch deep in my arm And be punished for what went wrong It's not my fault that I can't love It's not my fault that I can't feel It's not my fault, I don't wanna be here It's not my fault that nothing's real. If I don't get out my frustrations I'm going to explode at my peers I feel disoriented, lost, alone, And ages beyond sixteen years Bad experiences and pressure build up On my back, till I'm slumped over and mad... If I don't collapse now, I'll just fall later But I won't seek help, no matter how bad The worst quirk of my personality Is a dead tie, and even worse Than that I won't seek any help Is that I don't admit that I hurt
I wrote these on 4/14
thank you cards and hugs The girl rises from the bed And the hospital gown unfolds... The bandages around her wrists Record a tale best left untold The flowers at her bedside Reflect the love of all her friends "Thank you," is what they try to say "For failing to bring your life's end" Her wrists still sting, damn blades hurt... Her eyes still wish to cry Her heart's still empty, but now at least She knows they don't want her to die... Maybe he'll get around to visit her Maybe he wants to apologize... Maybe he wants to be taken back And maybe that's another lie... "Damn men" she muses, as her knees collapse "Don't they know I can't take additional pain?" The nurse comes in and helps her back to bed... And she lies there and listens to the driving rain. Later that day, her best friend comes And hugs her and says "I do love you" The girl cries and winces because of the pain And gets assured "I don't think less of you"... Thank you cards and hugs For a failed suicide And a reminder of the "final note" That assured them she really tried. lightning bugs and dandelions Lightning bugs and dandelions And summer's so soon arrived? Blowing fluffy seeds into the wind, Chastising boys who trash beehives... Catching lightning bugs in the palm of your hand In the warm night air of June And waiting for a glimpse of The rising summer moon... Simplicity is sweetest felt In the summer's morning dew And the scraped knee from climbing the apple tree With buds and fruit so new chasing nothing Riding my tricycle of nightmares Through my neighborhood Chasing nothing, never something, And nothing's never good Cramping my long legs to pedal And my long arm to steer, Pursuing nothing, always nothing, For nothing's what I fear. And if I chase my nightmare And withstand discomfort now I'll ride on in my nightmare And not even wonder how... So I go on, pursuing always Nothing and all its friends Emptiness pursues my heart But nothing offers means, not ends. Chasing nothing down the street Pursuing it, for my own sake Pedal faster, stop disaster, If I pause once more I'll hafta wait... serve me dreams I found my way into the restaurant The waiter looked me up and down And inside out, quite curiously... So I confessed that I was flat broke. But he smiled and ushered me in the door And took my hat and coat to boot... And sat me down at a table rich And started serving me breadsticks and salad. I asked for water, and so it came And the waiter looked so familiar... So I asked him "Sir, do I know you sir?" And he just asked for my order... So, I thought, I should make the most of this. I said "Serve me dreams." The waiter smiled and bowed and left And I wondered what that meant... I stayed in that restaurant for most of the day They never kicked me out, you see. And I got my dream... well, in a way. I didn't hafta stay on the street. But then in the morning when I woke up I was back on the steps of the church I wondered where the restaurant with the menu free Had disappeared to after that night... I never saw that place again But I can still taste the bread and salad. I wonder still who the waiter was... And who he assumed me to be... granted, i was lonely Granted, I was lonely. But that's not my excuse. I put up with his abuse... But not BECAUSE I was lonely. I don't think so anyway... Granted I was lonely... But that's not just a reason... He said betrayal was treason... Call me ethel rosenberg... The lonely. Granted I was lonely, And he did so neglect me And I found they didn't reject me So I tried to not be lonely. To hell with him. black irises Black Irises in the incinerator Burn valentines to the ground Burn construction paper cards And ticket stubs to the ballet... Who needs these items anyway? Not me, I'm too intelligent. Burn the sentimental candy box And the beanie baby cat... Burn the movie ticket stubs And the receipt for that meal... Forget romance at all It's not that hard to do Just dry heave when you see a couple And be serious about singularity... I like being "alone" Not because I'm an individual But because I hate being dependent. You figure that one out...This was written as a sense type poem about fruit =P Silly, yes?
Lemons...
Sour to the taste
Crinkle up my nose
Squeeze it into my water glass...
Oops, there goes a seed
Stir around to find it
Can't swallow seeds, ya know!
Ah! Got it!
Get the rest of the juice into the water now
Mmm... Tangy...
Yellow, sweet yellow...
Sour yellow...
But I do more than others!
Take a lemon from the fridge...
Slice into the yellow, porous skin
Slice into 4 pieces.
What little pieces
Pick out the seeds
Or try!
Damn seeds...
Agh!
They fell on the floor
Damn slippery seeds
Ah well.
I have my lemon!
I take one quarter
I hold it to my nose
Oooo... smells sour too!
And I sink my fangs into the yellow flesh.
I draw out the eyewatering delight
So my face crinkles up, biiiig deal.
It tastes great.
My mouth waters.
Sour sour!
Typical lemonade is far too sweet,
Don't you think?
It should be more sour!
Here's a couple more that I wrote TODAY (4/11) thanks to the help of the All Poet's Brainstorm ;)
Breathing Thin Oracles "Heresy!" my accusers cry As they leave me alone to die But not before they shoot shards of glass Into my spine, but then at last They walk away, I'm dripping blood And I crawl my way to a pile of wood Breathing thin oracles all the way... Oracles of freedom for everyday... They're trying to kill me, but I'll show them I'll do it my way, so they can't win. Martyrdom is nice, but it's not for me I'd rather die, leaving only my name on a tree. Significance unknown, but such sad fate Too early known, everyone knew too late. And I crawl, wheeze, and cry To the place that I'll die. Even if they don't, at least I know--- But they didn't accept the truth I'd show. It was too far from their own faith And I sob on the wood, I think I'll wait. My breath is thin, my time is closed But my oracle of freedom, still no one knows. I get branded heretic, and left to die... And no one here knows but myself and I. But I know my oracles will survive after me As thin as they are, for I know it must be. And so I strike my last match And hope it will catch And go up in flames As the wind howls my name... Bronze Bones Preserving a skeleton, Unreal and unfair Bronze in the eyes Bronze in the hair Bronze on the bones Make them shine like the sun Bronze them, preserve them, Say its time has begun... Bronze bones on my desk, Half a year later, No memory left... Now it just holds down paper. A paperweight comes From a whole life well-lived... What will become of me, What have I to give? Blade and Ladel Blade and ladel, Which one this time? Shall I pour his soup? Or shall I tell him... Once and for all... I won't take it anymore. I refuse to. He can beat me, refuse me, Slap me around... Do I give a damn? Ha. I can do it. I've thought about it... Hundreds of times. What's stopping me? I know... His eyes when we met... But the bruises on my arm--- But his eyes.... And the nights of torture--- But his promises... Ladel it is. Ginger Wind My hat flew right off my head And the ginger wind looked back and said "Sorry, Cary, not to worry, I'll send it back, but I must hurry. I have a dust storm to make, And a few umbrellas to take, But I'll have it back in a jiff" And I looked at the wind And wondered what it would send But sure enough, two hours passed, My hat arrived back on my head at last. And the ginger wind smiled And I was beguiled And she said "You look mighty spiff"... So I asked late that eve When the wind was to leave If she treated all children like me She smiled and laughed, "Can't you see," She began. "You see me as I see you. You're a daughter of light, it's true. Now climb on and I'l give you a lift" And I did, so she did, and I know not where I am, Only that I'm with a friend, in the palm of my hand... Willow Moon Drooping so sadly over my head I see you, night after night. And I ask you, is it something I said, And how can I make you all right... And the moon, she cries, And I wonder, how could this be, And she tells me she dies When she sees true beauty... "The moon," she begins "Has no real light. Nothing shines from within To light up the night. I must rely on an unseen source To give the light to guide you I feel like a mere horse... Nothing within me is true.." And you know that she's right. There's no light from the moon But even though she doesn't own the light, She reflects it, and not even too soon She lets the beauty of others shine through On a night when all else would be lost But Willow Moon, Willow Moon, I cry for you, You don't see that it's worth the cost... Vertigo Street Dizzying, falling, don't look down Tell me when we get there GET ME ON THE GROUND! Oh, this is the ground? Well shit, whoda thunk it... Vertigo street... Dizzying... And I walk and I fall... It's one of those nights When you hafta hold onto the floor To NOT fall... Vertigo street... It's NOT my fault! They tricked me, I swear, Where am I??? Gutter Punk Losing herself In toxic waste And grime Keeping time Making haste Losing more... Gutter punk grow Gutter punk shrink Gutter punk run GUTTER PUNK, THINK! Losing himself In Manson t-shirt In failing rebellion, In losing rebellion, In too much hurt, Losing worse... Gutter punk dress, Gutter punk walk, Gutter punk cry, Gutter punk talk... Lavender Lips "She jumped," so they say... In the water by the cliff... Did she mean to, I ask, They chuckle, I cry. How could they take it So lightly, so free... They see this all day, Impersonal pricks... I despise this part As I'm asked to ID... Then her lavender lips Are all I can see... Rain Story Beating against my window pane In morse code, the driving rain Tells me of lands far far away Lands I might go to, maybe, one day. It tells me of lands it has seen and washed out And of hands it has seen dam the roads out To limit the damage, to minimize effort, To mock Mother Nature and her H2O escort. Morse code in the rain, stories to me, Of places I won't go, but will always be
Okay, call me an incurable romantic, whatever... I know he'll read this. That's irrelevant. But I wrote it for him anyhoo... Bad as it may be...
For Andrew And you touched me Don't ask me to explain You touched me--- And I don't even know your middle name... If I fall in love tonight All I need is assurance from you Tell me it will be all right And that you really love me too You touched my heart, I can't explain, Now there's a part That feels no pain... I smile when I see you And I hope you feel like me And when you wrap your arms around me You're the only thing I see... You told me once that I could write And pretty well, I'll add... But the words leave me now, out of spite Since I don't have what I wish I had... Maybe I can't express Just what you've meant to me But I'm trying to address What I want you to know I see...
These are a couple that I wrote in English class (not for an assignment, that's just how the timing worked out) on Thursday and Friday last week (4/8-4/9)...
I Will Kiss Tomorrow "I will kiss Tomorrow," I said, just to state. Tomorrow will never come, And today can never wait. I wouldn't kiss that guy, Or his brother or his friend, But I will kiss Tomorrow, Because Tomorrow doesn't end. And I would kiss Tomorrow Most of all because Tomorrow never gets here, So I can't dwell on what was. And so my lips stay still. Loyalty, my heart proclaims, To Tomorrow, not Today, Which has yet to have a name. Tomorrow has no sorrow. Tomorrow has no tears. Tomorrow will protect me From wasting all my years. My chastity is blamed On unwillingness in me. But I won't be hurt by my Tomorrow, Because Tomorrow will never be.(whether this was for the same guy as above or not is irrelevant, right? *sigh*)
Turn My Back I just can't do it I'll never make it He has turned me outside in And he won't do it So I won't take it. Neglection is the highest sin. But I'll live through it I can always fake it--- What a sick world I live in. I deny MY right to it And then I forsake it And people ask me where I've been. If I turn my back on the world I know Because of one name out of wack Tell me, what does it say, what does it show, When because of him I turn my back?
Poetry written on 4/9...
Untouchable So she pulls away And he looks so lost So adorably lost He's so adorable And she loves doing that She makes herself untouchable Just so he'll look lost So adorably lost And look adorable... Because she's afraid of what could come If she let him be found So horribly found And be comfortable... So she runs, let him chase And she plays hard-to-get And he knows he won't get--- She refuses to be gotten... Sushi-on-Avon "Avon calling!" "Come in, dear!" "It's Sushi today!" "Come right here!" "I'm glad to serve you" "You're quite a looker" "Can I sell you some sushi?" "For a modern day hooker..." "But it's on me" "Will it work just as well As cold cream and mascara?" "If not, let me go to hell" "Wear sushi on your face, Till 5 o'clock, no less, And your beauty will increase, Till there's no contest" And so she made a fool of herself Spreading dead dish on her face... But everybody does this from time to time--- It's the disgrace of the whole human race. Fernia The gardener hunches By the flower bed sweet On grass he munches With ferns at his feet Bending over the ferns Day in and day out This is how he'll earn Money to stay short and stout. He stoops down to water, Stoops down to plant, And asks "Could it be hotter?" And answers "It can't"... So he throws his back out again And curses quite loud... The daily Fernia needs gin And a walk on a cloud... Graphistock In the dark crevices of my mind Dwells the Graphistock, quite hard to find. He sits in my head doing math all day And when I get to english, he melts right away. Where did he come from, where will he go, Why can't I tell what he doesn't know? So I try to make grades, and rely on him more But that's all I am, Graphistock's math whore.
Eeps! Continuation of 4/4 poetry! RAN OUT OF ROOM!
Late Sky Ride And the sun is going down And the balloon takes off in the sky And he looks at the back of her head And knows that without her, he would die So as they walk through the clouds With stars sparkling above He tries to get the right words out To correctly express his love "Julie," he starts, she still looks at the sea "I'm in love with you," and then he waits And he fingers the box in his right front pocket And hopes his heart's not too badly at stake... "I love you with all my heart and all my soul, And there's nothing I wouldn't do On your behalf, or to help you in anyway, And I just want to be with you" And he gets on his knees in front of her back And waited, holding out the ring And she trembles and shakes her beautiful head And the birds suddenly cease to sing... And she turns around, and looks so sad And he doesn't quite know why... "Mike," she starts, and he knows it's bad "I have cancer, I'm going to die I couldn't tell you before, because I thought This was just a game, that's too fast... But I'm in love with you, so I had to say... That nothing that seems like this could last.. I have six months left, so the doctors say But I'm beyond all hope of assistance My body's torn up, my spirit's shot down, And I've long since lost all my resistance." And he breathes a long sigh and reaches out for her face "I can't live without you," he wanted to say... "I'm sorry," she answers with her eyes turned to the water And she cries for six months worth of days She tells him "I didn't think I could love again, But now I can't let you go, And if you leave me now, I'm dead already, But no one else will know..." And he holds her and places the ring on her finger And she cries more and chokes out a yes... But then the balloon floated off in the sunset Where they are now is anyone's guess... silent as a restless dreamer And I ask her what she wishes And she looks blankly ahead... And I demand to know what she wishes And she just stares vacantly ahead... She's silent, and has no answer... Her mouth forms a silent scream Her poor mother seeks out an answer As in her bed in the night she screams But in her head, she's quiet Even in her dreams, she can't And so all around it's quiet But can she be? No she can't The restless dreamer is silent But only in their own mind To the rest of the world, this silence Breaks through there own minds And wakes them in the dead of night But alone, she can't breathe a word Only when she doesn't know she's heard at night Can she muster her hidden words... And so I'll wait for her to sleep And maybe then I'll hear her cry out What the restless dreamer Always keeps from getting out--- The silence of a restless dreamer... Is only in their mind.
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