And when you think... You come up with thoughts... And when you come up with thoughts, you come up with realities... And when you come up with realities, you change the world. Thoughts are magick.
And when you think... You come up with thoughts... And when you come up with thoughts, you come up with realities... And when you come up with realities, you change the world. Thoughts are magick.
And today is 5/27... I really should write my thoughts here... See, my junior year is over. That means I'm now a fucking senior. And that means that at this time in one year, I'll be graduating. That is, of course, if the world doesn't blow up on January 1st 2000. But anyhey, I'll be graduating, and then I'll be out on my own, or at least at college, maybe fayetteville, and then I'll be all weird and stuff. And now... Well, I have 3 months of freedom to forget to wake up at 7 AM!!! And I have 6 weeks of governor school, and one week of swuusi, and then there's my birthday... Oh lord. I'm almost 17. HELP! *ahem* I dunno what other thoughts I have... At least right now...
Yesterday (4/19) at school, I had this weird thought... I looked around me, and I realized that school is dumb... Everybody who goes to school... Look around next time you're there. It's just STUPID. We go in a class for 50 minuts or 100
minutes, and then a bell rings. THEY HAVE US TRAINED! Bell means move on. So we go in another class for 50-100
minutes. Then a bell rings again. We're like cattle just in the daily routine of school. It's so horribly repetitive and
uncomplicated. We act like cattle and we don't even realize it. Then there's the overwhelming joy when you're stuck in a class
for 100 minutes and you're SO bored... And the teacher is droning on and on and on about nothing of ANY substance
whatsoever, and you sit there, and you wait, because you've been so trained as to not leave the class until THE BELL rings... I mean, we're completely governed by clocks. Maybe I AM taking the educational system for granted. Maybe it WAS a priviledge when it started out. But now, it's just a cycle, repeat and repeat and repeat, and it never changes... It's so irritating... And what else... Ah yes, Becca and Cameron:
My best friend (one of em anyhoo) Becca is having a buncha guy trouble right now. Mainly his name is Cameron. See, Becca and her boyfriend Jason (of 6 months) split up a few weeks ago. Apparently, Cameron asked her out, and she's too sweet to flat out turn him down, so my guess is that she said "It's too soon after my breakup with Jason"... And then he went and told Whitney (our other best friend) that Becca said she wasn't over Jason yet but she would go out with him when she was... And the guy's obsessive and delusional, and apparently started to believe that this is what she said, word for word... And then he gave her this letter yesterday with a heart in the center of the paper and the words around it, starting with "Becca Love"... And in it, he said that 1. He was "shocked" that she slept with Jason, 2. Jason dumped her because she slept with him ("HA!" says Becca, "He dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with him ANYMORE!"), and 3. He was willing to wait for her as long as it takes, because he "loves" her... And she wrote a letter in response that said she thought of him as a brother, and threw in that the next guy she went out with would be for the express purpose of breaking his heart cuz that's the way she works (she didn't mean it, but what else can you say to get a guy like that off your back???), and she didn't want him to be that guy cuz he's her friend and she likes him (she meant as a friend, he probably didn't take it like that)... And then he wrote her back. And get this---he cut out things from her letter and out them on his and responded to them beneath them... And he was PISSED. He said "Of course you think of me as a brother, you're God's child and I'm God's child!"... When I read that I cracked up. If he wrote that to me, I'd have just told him I was a Satanist and MY DADDY COULD BEAT UP HIS DADDY =P But I'm a smartass... And about the "I'm only going out with the next guy to break his heart," he responded that THAT was very bad, and she shouldn't do that just to get even with Jason (the boy is as dense as a brick, lemme tell ya), and then in response to that she didn't want him to be that guy, he said "I'm willing to take that chance"... AGH! HELLO??? ANYBODY THERE??? Geez, the boy does not get a point... And see, he has been fuming for a while now... When Whitney gave him the first note from Becca, he was soooo pissed, and he just glared and glared and glared... And when I saw him this morning, he was standing by the window of the cafeteria glaring at nothing, and then he saw Becca, stormed over to her, gave her the note, and stormed even FASTER right back out... It's scary... And the next note Becca wrote him bitched him out for accusing her of putting words in his mouth (he got this extreme case of denial and said he never asked her out) when he truly did put words in her mouth by telling Whitney she said she'd go out with him when Becca said NOTHING of the sort... And then she closed the letter by saying "And I've found someone else. She's a friend of Kendra's, and she's there for me when I need her"... If the boy doesn't get THAT "LEAVE ME ALONE" hint, I'll hafta take a sledgehammer to his head... And today at lunch, he was glaring at nothing STILL, and he just stayed there 4 feet from me fuming and just letting everyone know that he was pissed off... And so I did something I'd never have thought myself capable of a year or two ago... I said "Dude, if you're going to sit there and be angry and intentionally project ALL of this anger to your surroundings, you should do it somewhere else because I am in a BAD mood already and I do NOT need your negativity adding on to it"... And so he stood up and STORMED off (typical hormonal socially inept male searching for attention... methinks he expected someone to follow him)... And then David was like "Damn, that was cruel!" and I was like "No it wasn't, I'm just sick to death of the negativity that he's projecting"... And David was like "I couldn't feel anything" and me and Whitney were like "We could"... And then Andy was like "Was Cameron pissed?" and David took that as an argument that he WASN'T projecting, so I ever so sweetly said "But you're both males, and the typical male is ignorant to the feelings of others"... And Cameron is ANOTHER reason why I hate relationships... I mean, sometimes the guy can't handle it... The guy's a shrimp, but he's also borderline scary cuz he seems HIGHLY unstable...
And this weekend (3/26-3/28) I had it brought to my attention how much I love to think... Down in Plano, I talked to all sorts of people... Just thinking about stuff... I talked to Andrew about perceptions and reality and things like that... It's so weird to find intellectual males who I enjoy being around and stuff... But yeah... And see, at school on Thursday I kinda got drawn into this religious "discussion" in English (Brian and Alicia and Alan ganging up against an "I don't really believe in God" Catholic Brazilian exchange student named Gabriella who comes to the UU church sometimes... Brian's an AME (African Methodist Episcopal) boy and Alicia's a black Georgia Baptist girl, and Alan's a white Southern Baptist boy... Damn conservatives... And they told Gabby "The Catholic church isn't the only religion in the world" and I looked up from my book and said "Neither is the Protestant church" and they looked kinda blank and when someone else mentioned Protestant a little later, Alicia and Brian both turned to me and asked in all seriousness "What's a Protestant? What do they believe?" and I was like "What do you believe?" and they were like "I'm not a Protestant" and I was like "Geez your church keeps you in the dark..." and the Southern Baptist didn't seem to know any more about Protestantism than these two... And I proceeded to educate mainly Alicia about the splitting of the Protestant church from the Catholic church... The ignorance bothered me... But the worst comment I heard from this batch of folks was when they were talking to Gabby about hell and how bad it was and everything, and they quoted Revelations and, and said at least TWICE: "It's better to be safe than sorry" and I almost strangled them right there... Religion is not safety, religion is not about fear, religion is not about who you can terrify more with stories of hell and damnation... And after the last of this religious group had walked off, Gabby turned to me and Nina and incredulously exclaimed "They believe you're going to hell if you don't believe that??? That's bullshit!!"... I love exchange students, they're so unspoiled by the American Puritanism... And I got into a fun lil theological, philosophical, and "Jesus these Christians at my school are morons"-ical conversation with a few people at the rally. We talked about all these ignorant people that just make us want to switch species... Religious belief is great, I just wish they'd shut up about it on occaision =) And at the worship, it absolutely amazed me how many of the youth stayed on the No side when the question of "Do you believe in a higher power?" came up... Jon was one of the ones on the Yes side though, and I had gotten into a very interesting discussion with him about the unconscious and other stuff... Jon also rather impressed me at the workshop on earth religions... I don't find him to be intimidating, just really knowledgeable. I talked to Jon about all this philosophical and theological stuff. And I realized that, jerk or not, he was pretty cool to talk to on that level. We talked about various things like fate and the unconscious and the unity of everything... Like how we all want to feel like we're individuals, but we're not, and the unconscious is linked to everything and it puts us where we are and pretty much determines our environment so we can grow the ways we need to... It makes the most sense, especially when I consider Rob and how ENTIRELY different my life, my views, and my personality would be if I had not made that one smartass comment in #teenchat that day in April of 1997---#teenchat where he had never ever ventured into prior to this day, too... And in meeting him, that got me to find a more accurate path for me, and I turned away from the Christianity that I had accepted like "Eh, okay, why not" for my whole life... And if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have felt the need for the UU church, and I never would have met any of them... And my entire personality would be millenia different too... And I realized that the fates HAFTA be intertwined, because Rob meeting me had every effect on me, but almost no longterm effects on him, but why would someone be fated to do something that would change another person forever if fates were individualized? So in that sense, the intertwined unconscious makes a lot of sense. But in another sense, I have this eternal longing to feel like I'm an individual and all this lovely stuff. Erg. Going from that idea though, if we learned how to examine the power of the unconscious, and we learned how to delve into it so to speak, we wouldn't have anything separating us from everybody else, since the ego is the only thing that keeps us remotely apart. And so then we would be able to probably do telepathy and all this lovely stuff, if we could link the conscious and the unconscious and somehow reach another's consciousness through the unconscious... Geez, I do need to hang around YRUUs more often. Dane gets me to cuddle, Jon and Andrew get me to think..
I will definitely be adding more weird thoughts as the ages progress, but for now, this is what you better be satified with.
****Home... Farewell, Toto.****