Have you ever wondered how Charlotte Lucas knew everything about everybody in and around Meryton? Here's my little tale...
*WARNING!!! There is sex, drugs and violence in this story! DO NOT READ FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE OLDER THAN 18 YEARS OF AGE!*
I have no way of knowing if you are older than 18, so please adhere to this warning.
Tsk, tsk Charlotte!
Dear Journal,
This is my first foray into putting my personal thoughts down in some form of my own hand. You, dear Journal, shall be my constant. I am newly married and extremely well pleased with my situation on the whole. I am quite content. However, there is one small point of displeasure...
Please excuse my writing; I am currently scribbling in near darkness. The candle by the bed provides me with sufficient light, while my husband is, at present, having his marital way with me. I am determined to become accustomed to the noise, the mess, and the sweat of the man humping my backside. Thankfully, he only lasts a few minutes and it's small enough that it does no real damage to my person.
Ah, I am rambling. Yes, but this is the reason why I sought the help and comfort of your blank pages, dear Journal. I shall try my best to tell of how I came to such a situation.
A young man of large fortune was to come to the neighbourhood to let Netherfield Park. My father, Sir William, had been delighted with Mr. Bingley. He was quite young, wonderfully handsome, and extremely agreeable. My mother told me that there were ways to make a man confess to a murder to which he did not commit, if one was willing to stoop to that level. Being 28 and plain and having no other husband prospects available... of course, I had plans...
I could hear them talking as I stood in the vestibule.
"Miss Lucas, Sir," sayeth the butler.
"Miss Lucas?" questioned Bingley.
"Yes, Sir," assented the butler.
"Alone?" asked Darcy.
"Yes, Sir," repeated the butler.
"Bingley, this is very disturbing! An unmarried woman visiting a gentleman all alone! I'll take no part in it."
"Surely Darcy, the locals do not hold tight to society's reins as you do. Maybe she has been misinformed as to who was residing here. Nevertheless, I can see no real harm in it, but you may go as you wish."
Darcy bolted from the breakfast room.
"Fosset, I shall meet Miss Lucas in that nice little drawing room on the south side of the house."
"Yes, Sir," nodded the butler.
Bingley rose from his chair and left the room to his destination.
"Miss Lucas, Sir."
Bingley turned from admiring himself in the mirror and headed towards me.
"Welcome to Netherfield, Miss Lucas! I am Mr. Bingley." He bowed low.
"A pleasure, Sir." I quickly curtsied and hurried my information as I did so. "I am here on a matter of utmost importance! My father is almost sure he forgot to invite your party to the Assembly..."
Bingley jerked his head in such a way that when I began my ascent to stand, the back of my head collided with his face propelling him backwards to the couch.
"... rooms! Mr. Bingley?"
I assessed the situation quickly and began my ministrations by lifting his legs onto a settee. However, with Bingley's awkward descent, his semi-conscious head hit the hard wood of the Louis XVI couch... plundering him even further into quasi-comatosis.
Always one to take every advantage, I took my cue; I unbuttoned his breeches and pulled out his limp manhood.
"Mwmph, mwmph!" I sucked. "Mwmph! Mwmph!"
Bingley stirred in his haziness.
"Mwmph! Mr. Bingley, are you unwell? Mwmph!"
"I am...well," he smiled dreamily. "Quite well."
"Capital! Mwmph! You are to come to the Assembly rooms... Mwmph! ... this Saturday. Mwmph!"
"Yes!"
"And bring a large party of friends. Mwmph!"
"Yes!! Oh yes!!"
"How many?"
"Twelve ladies and seven gentlemen!"
"Too many ladies! Mwmph!"
"Oh! Ungh!"
"How many?"
"Nine ladies!"
"Still too many! Mwmph!"
"Ten!"
"Ladies? Mwmph!"
"No!" he hissed. "Ten Lords a-leaping... Nine ladies dancing!"
"Too many Ladies! MWMPH! Do you have sisters?"
"UNGH! Five!!!"
"And you will not... come down on that? Mwmph!"
"No... no. Oh! Not right now! Oh!"
"Then I must be satsified..." I sighed. "Mwmph!"
"And so must I be!" he beckoned.
"Mwmph! Mwmph! And you will dance with me. MWMPH!"
"Oh, dear Lord, Yes! Yes!!"
"Mwmph, mwmph, mwmph, mwmph!"
Bingley shuddered and sighed.
I wiped my mouth with my handkerchief and fixed his clothes.
I stood. "It was a pleasure, Sir!"
"No, no..." He laid back; his half-lidded eyes had rolled back in his head. "The pleasure was all mine!"
I curtsied and left. I was so sure of my success!
Well, Mr. Bingley did dance the first set with me. However, he saw Jane Bennet soon afterwards and danced with her twice, thereby singling her out amongst all of us. Nonetheless, he soon left the country with no intention of ever coming back.
I shall write more when I have the time; Mr. Collins is now finished with me and I must change the bedsheets and try not to awaken him.
****
Dear Journal,
It has been a se'ennight since I last wrote. Mr. Collins has been chasing me around the house for almost a month now. We have been married for 27 days, 3 hours, 18 minutes and... I must find some way to keep him otherwise occupied. I must! Again, I ramble on. Forgive me? Ah yes, I see by my first entry that I was writing on my quest to find a husband...
During that same dance at the Assembly Rooms, Mr. Bingley did bring ladies and gentlemen with him as promised: two sisters, the husband of the eldest, and another young man. A young man of considerable fortune - a Mr. Darcy.
Mr. Darcy soon drew the attention of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien, and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance, of his having ten thousand a year. He was looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, till his manners gave a great disgust which turned the tide of his popularity. He even slighted my dearest friend, Eliza Bennet, and refused to stand up with her. Now that the famous Hertfordshire beauties had been dismissed by him, perhaps if I was to...
It had been eight days after the dance at the Assembly rooms; the night was cool, crisp and clear, as was its usual want that time of year. I had been strolling along the country lanes and as luck would have it a rider on a black steed was speeding up the lane. Instead of moving out the way, I took a chance and darted in front of the charger. After some subterfuge on my part, his fondness for late-night or early morning romps about the countryside, I knew who the rider was. The horse was startled and threw Mr. Darcy to the ground in a heap.
As always, I administered to the needs of the young man. He was still breathing, but not completely lucid. I unbuttoned his great coat and breeches and pulled out his flaccid engorgement.
"Mwmph, mwmph!" I sucked. "Mwmph! Mwmph!"
Darcy stirred in his muddle.
"Mwmph! Mr. Darcy, are you unwell? Mwmph!"
"I am...well," he smiled dreamily. "Indeed!"
"Mwmph! I should be angry with you... Mwmph! ... you were very rude at the Assembly rooms, Saturday last. Mwmph!"
Darcy just stared at me. His eyes were glazed; I supposed that he was not yet up to conversation, but I am determined...
"Mr. Darcy... Mwmph! ... you only danced four dances... Mwmph! ... though gentlemen were scarce and... Mwmph! ... there was more than one lady in want of a partner. Mwmph!"
"I... I had not at that time... Oh! ... the honour of knowing any lady..."
"And nobody can ever be introduced in a ball-room? Mwmph!"
"I should have judged better! Ooh!"
"Mwmph! Pray continue."
"Dear lady, I beg you to continue as well!" he hissed and pushed my head further upon his staff.
"Mwmph, mwmph! You were saying?"
"I am ill... qualified to... recommend myself... to... Oh God! Strangers!"
"There is to be a party... Mwmph! ... tomorrow night. You will not be rude. Mwmph!"
"Yes! I mean... No!"
"Capital! Mwmph! If there is to be dancing, you will dance with me. MWMPH!"
"Yes! Ohhhh Yes!"
"Then I must be satsified..." I sighed. "Mwmph!"
"And so must I be!" he bellowed.
"Mwmph, mwmph, mwmph, mwmph! MWMPH!!!!"
"I can see the stars twinkle in your eyes..." Darcy gasped and shuddered.
I wiped my mouth with my handkerchief and fixed his clothes.
I stood. "It was a pleasure, Sir!"
"No, no..." He laid back; his half-lidded eyes had rolled back in his head. "The pleasure was all mine!"
I curtsied and ran off. I was so sure of my success!
For some reason, Mr. Darcy kept looking at Eliza while we were all together at my father's house for the party that next night. I even heard him whisper about her fine eyes. It was obvious that he had mistaken her for me. Regardless, he and his friends left Netherfield and are never to return.
*****
Dear Journal,
It has been almost three months since I married. Through diligent effort on my part, I have found other things for Mr. Collins to do and another room for him to do it in. I find my contentment with my chickens and cows, while he finds pleasure nightly in his bedchambers and only comes to me when I call for him, which is always right before the dreaded monthly; I seem to want his attentions during that period... Again, I ramble on. I am supposed to be writing of how I ended up here.
After failing miserably with the two gentlemen, I had to turn my attentions elsewhere. Mr. Collins had come to visit his cousins, the Bennets, and although I heard much of him, I had not the... pleasure of meeting him until the Netherfield Ball given by Mr. Bingley. He is a bit obsequious to his betters and has no backbone that I can detect, but he is not wholly bad and his situation in life would gratify my needs for lifelong comfort.
Back to the ball... It was apparent to all that Mr. Collins was paying particular attention to Eliza, but I knew she found him comical and ridiculous and only an insurmountable heap of pressure from her father would make her marry him. Therefore, I had to time my plans perfectly.
I just happened by Longbourn the day after the ball, to talk of the party, of course. I had no idea that Mr. Collins had proposed to Eliza that morning and was all interested when I found the house in uproar. Mrs. Bennet had dismissed everyone from the room as Mr. Collins came in, but Lydia stood her ground and I took my position at the window, pretending not to overlisten to their private tête-à-tête.
My plan began to conjugate in my head as I walked home. I told my mother of the Bennet's situation and she speedily applied a dinner invitation to the entire household for the next day.
I was quite pleased with myself that day. I spent most of it in company with Mr. Collins, listening to his woes. While I was showing him Lucas Lodge, and quite alone, I allowed him to lay his head against my breasts... to comfort him, of course.
Eliza thanked me for being so kind, but I assured her that I owed her more than I could express. Eliza is always praised on her wit and intelligence, but I can be sly too!
Anyway, the next morning, I sat patiently waiting at the window in one of the upper sitting rooms that looked towards the lane from Longbourn. I was rewarded for my fortitude as the object of my intent walked towards the house. I instantly set out to meet him 'accidentally' in the lane.
Before we could be spotted, I pulled him off the beaten path to a little copse of trees. He was in such a state to see me that he could not speak for five minutes... or was it because I had his tiny phallus in my mouth so fast? That's neither here nor there, because some time later, or after regaining the blood to his head, he professed his love to me so eloquently.
I thought that marriage would make me happy. It has. As I've said before, I am quite content. It's just that the marriage bed has been disappointing. Quite. Regardless, I shall overcome that as well...
I must pause here. My father, sister Maria and Eliza are to arrive shortly and I must be at the ready for their coming.