Attraction
LearningLove.com
Copyright (c) 2000 by Benjamin Devey. All rights
reserved.
Do
you believe in love at first sight? I don’t, and if you don’t mind sticking
around a while, I’ll tell you why.
Our media uses instant impressions to represent
ideas like love. We see a version of visual shorthand: two pairs of eyes
meet across a crowded room, showing how the owners’ hearts are destined
for each other. Or soul mates finally meet, knowing virtually nothing about
each other. As the end credits cross the screen, we are led to believe
their future relationship will be one of never-ending bliss.
Beauty is a double-edge sword that cuts deeply
into our society’s consciousness. It has virtually nothing to do with love,
yet it occupies a lot of our thought and steals most of the attention.
Our obsession with attractiveness runs like a background operating system.
We’re hardly aware how it shapes our thoughts and distorts our judgement.
The idea of attraction draws in two parallel distortions.
One is the idea of gratification--that someone else can satisfy our needs.
Possessiveness is another way that obsessing over looks is distorted. Both
of these falsehoods cause major disruption to caring relationships.
Obsession with attraction on one hand is lust.
A focus on beauty makes objects out of people. And when it’s turned inward,
as beauty fixation, it is vanity. There is a proper place for being concerned
with proper grooming and hygiene, but it isn’t in either of these extremes.
Sudden attraction is infatuation, which by its
very nature is short-lived. It eventually fades to commonplace. When the
attraction-based relationship becomes ordinary lust begins searching outside
of the relationship for gratification elsewhere. I think this is one of
the reasons so many Hollywood matches are doomed.
Attraction has a purpose, bringing hearts together
long enough to build a real relationship. But attraction by itself isn’t
a substantial foundation to build lasting love. Love lets us find a deeper
appreciation of the character, values and personality of the other, appreciating
him or her for a culmination of positive traits. This gives us room to
be patient with ones’ faults, rather than resent that our loved one doesn’t
measure up to the ideal of perfection we had placed upon him or her.
What is the proper place for attraction?
Beauty has its place, if we can relax our expectations
and ignore the media’s image of perfection. Beauty is in the eye of the
beholder. If we recognize our Creator in each person, we will begin to
see the beauty in every individual. We can find admirable traits in every
individual, whether or not we share a deep relationship.
Affection seems to stir out of physical and emotional
attraction. It can be turned on and off seemingly at will. Beauty is an
arbitrary measurement. What may be attractive to one person may mean nothing
to someone else. There really isn’t such a thing as absolute beauty. It
just makes sense to recognize that we all come with a mix of admirable
and undesirable traits.
"If thou must love me, let it be for nought, except
for love’s sake only." In the 14th Sonnet from the Portuguese, Elizabeth
Barrett Browning dismisses several traits, such as a smile, a look or way
of speaking. "For these things in themselves … may be changed, or change
for thee--and love, so wrought, may be unwrought so."
How often have you heard of married couples tiring
of, and turning against the very traits that attracted them to each other?
It makes more sense to find new reasons to fall in love with my wife every
day. In a recent newsletter article, Dr. James C. Dobson wrote, "In the
best marriages, the chase is never really over."
We should express our admiration often for our
loved ones. If our compliments are sincere, specific and frequent, they
will never need to question our love.
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