It probably dates me to quote Neil Sedaka. Even more so that the first young woman I dated when I was going on 17 invited me to a Sedaka concert. It might have been his last tour. I don't recall hearing anything about him since.

But what does it say about me that I remember both versions of Sedaka's "Breaking up Is Hard to Do?" Before the laid-back, blue, lounge ballad, there was a hip-hop version with an uppity background chorus bouncing to the words, "Down shooby do-down down. Comma Baby, down shooby do-down down. Breaking up is hard to-oo-ooh do." Maybe that version died in obscurity for good reasons.

For whatever reasons that couples separate, breaking up is hard on an individual's emotions, spirit and self-esteem. A lot goes into a relationship, and when one’s hopes end in disappointment, hearts are heavy and feelings are depleted.

When you grieve over your loss, it's helpful to sympathize with your loved one's pain. Break-ups don't have to be someone's fault. They can be caused by unloving actions by both individuals. It takes two to make a relationship, and unless both partners contribute, no one may be trying to nurture the relationship.

Many people seem to think of relationships as trial companionships. Some don't seem to recognize "otherness" and commitment in relationships. Someone who is always playing the field might carry fantasies about someone else finding him or her attractive. He or she might think, "A new relationship will prove how desirable I am."

The grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence. There may also be feelings that a new relationship will be more fulfilling than the last one. It really has little to do with the other person in the relationship. These people get bored with ordinary life. Rather than face the issues of today, the fantasy seeker believes that happiness is just around the next corner.

Some people act as if love is an on/off switch, turning it on at will, but, depending on the mood, suddenly turn it off again without warning. John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" gave me some new insight. When a relationship becomes close, many of the unresolved issues of the past surface. Because there is sharing and trust--feelings, as well as deep vulnerabilities surface. So suddenly, just when you think things are getting good, they turn to the worst. This is the time when problem-solving skills are most valuable. It's also a good time to see what the relationship is really made of.

In the frustration of the moment, we need to avoid reacting to our loved one's defenses, while realizing his or her responses might be filtered through anxiety or fear. We need to have patience and remember Christ's teachings to love and bless those who curse us. When in my dating things weren't working out, I sometimes thought to myself, "Unless I treat this (and every) woman with utmost respect, I won't deserve the kind of woman I'm hoping to find."

Once when my future wife and I were dating, we broke up for two weeks. She was convinced there was no future to our relationship. I had to let her go through the separation, even though I was convinced we would be great for each other. One fundamental principle to relationships, I believe, is agency. I couldn't bring her around unless she came to that point herself. She had to work out her own feelings until she believed in our future.

Don’t forget the power of prayer to soften hearts when healing is needed--especially our own heart. Remember that God is always there and always cares for you. But also realize that what He has in store for you may not be what you’re hoping for. Counseling with the Lord means listening to His direction more it means making your own demands.

Lots of time separation is a time for renegotiating the relationship. Getting together to share your issues may help you both to come to a new understanding. Won't it be nice if, in your sharing, you both listen with compassion to what's in the other's heart?

Your hopes to get back together need to be two-sided. Even if your hope may be for his or her benefit, your loved one may feel smothered if you use pressure. You can give your assurance that you'll be there when he or she is ready to connect. That way your loved one will feel free to come back when he or she feels ready.

If it works out that you both are interested in mending the bond, it would be a good start to come to some agreement on the direction of the relationship (what you both feel it should or shouldn't be). You might express your hopes (even with the fear that your feelings may be rejected). And of course you will be sensitive to wherever your loved one may be coming from and try to understand what he or she is looking for.

Break-ups are always painful if you ever care about each other. Both people are often wounded, and hurt each other with emotional reactions. But break-ups can reveal more about our heart and fears if we let the Spirit instruct us through the painful times. In my experience, when I'm hurting most is when the Spirit draws near to give comfort and insight. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" is a literal promise of the ministering of the Holy Ghost.

We never know how things will work out. All we can really do is act the best we can in our particular circumstances. Remember that what lies in store for us isn't always that which we immediately hope for. We can't dictate terms and expectations from God. His blessings probably exceed the little concerns we're struggling for. You may not be able to change the situation, but you can always try to grow through the challenges you're experiencing. It has more to do with HOW you handle the situation than how it turns out.
ow actively the different brands of Christianity oppose one another.

It probably dates me to quote Neil Sedaka. Even more so that the first young woman I dated when I was going on 17 invited me to a Sedaka concert. It might have been his last tour. I don't recall hearing anything about him since.

But what does it say about me that I remember both versions of Sedaka's "Breaking up Is Hard to Do?" Before the laid-back, blue, lounge ballad, there was a hip-hop version with an uppity background chorus bouncing to the words, "Down shooby do-down down. Comma Baby, down shooby do-down down. Breaking up is hard to-oo-ooh do." Maybe that version died in obscurity for good reasons.

For whatever reasons that couples separate, breaking up is hard on an individual's emotions, spirit and self-esteem. A lot goes into a relationship, and when one’s hopes end in disappointment, hearts are heavy and feelings are depleted.

When you grieve over your loss, it's helpful to sympathize with your loved one's pain. Break-ups don't have to be someone's fault. They can be caused by unloving actions by both individuals. It takes two to make a relationship, and unless both partners contribute, no one may be trying to nurture the relationship.

Many people seem to think of relationships as trial companionships. Some don't seem to recognize "otherness" and commitment in relationships. Someone who is always playing the field might carry fantasies about someone else finding him or her attractive. He or she might think, "A new relationship will prove how desirable I am."

The grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence. There may also be feelings that a new relationship will be more fulfilling than the last one. It really has little to do with the other person in the relationship. These people get bored with ordinary life. Rather than face the issues of today, the fantasy seeker believes that happiness is just around the next corner.

Some people act as if love is an on/off switch, turning it on at will, but, depending on the mood, suddenly turn it off again without warning. John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" gave me some new insight. When a relationship becomes close, many of the unresolved issues of the past surface. Because there is sharing and trust--feelings, as well as deep vulnerabilities surface. So suddenly, just when you think things are getting good, they turn to the worst. This is the time when problem-solving skills are most valuable. It's also a good time to see what the relationship is really made of.

In the frustration of the moment, we need to avoid reacting to our loved one's defenses, while realizing his or her responses might be filtered through anxiety or fear. We need to have patience and remember Christ's teachings to love and bless those who curse us. When in my dating things weren't working out, I sometimes thought to myself, "Unless I treat this (and every) woman with utmost respect, I won't deserve the kind of woman I'm hoping to find."

Once when my future wife and I were dating, we broke up for two weeks. She was convinced there was no future to our relationship. I had to let her go through the separation, even though I was convinced we would be great for each other. One fundamental principle to relationships, I believe, is agency. I couldn't bring her around unless she came to that point herself. She had to work out her own feelings until she believed in our future.

Don’t forget the power of prayer to soften hearts when healing is needed--especially our own heart. Remember that God is always there and always cares for you. But also realize that what He has in store for you may not be what you’re hoping for. Counseling with the Lord means listening to His direction more it means making your own demands.

Lots of time separation is a time for renegotiating the relationship. Getting together to share your issues may help you both to come to a new understanding. Won't it be nice if, in your sharing, you both listen with compassion to what's in the other's heart?

Your hopes to get back together need to be two-sided. Even if your hope may be for his or her benefit, your loved one may feel smothered if you use pressure. You can give your assurance that you'll be there when he or she is ready to connect. That way your loved one will feel free to come back when he or she feels ready.

If it works out that you both are interested in mending the bond, it would be a good start to come to some agreement on the direction of the relationship (what you both feel it should or shouldn't be). You might express your hopes (even with the fear that your feelings may be rejected). And of course you will be sensitive to wherever your loved one may be coming from and try to understand what he or she is looking for.

Break-ups are always painful if you ever care about each other. Both people are often wounded, and hurt each other with emotional reactions. But break-ups can reveal more about our heart and fears if we let the Spirit instruct us through the painful times. In my experience, when I'm hurting most is when the Spirit draws near to give comfort and insight. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" is a literal promise of the ministering of the Holy Ghost.

We never know how things will work out. All we can really do is act the best we can in our particular circumstances. Remember that what lies in store for us isn't always that which we immediately hope for. We can't dictate terms and expectations from God. His blessings probably exceed the little concerns we're struggling for. You may not be able to change the situation, but you can always try to grow through the challenges you're experiencing. It has more to do with HOW you handle the situation than how it turns out.

 
 

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