Copyright (c) 2000 by Benjamin Devey. All rights reserved.

Many readers of Learning Love and Life are veteran daters, with the emotional battle scars to prove it. Others might have just found themselves in the shark tank, wondering what to do now. I realize that others who are married and in committed relationships don't need this advice on dating, and I thank everyone for their indulgence while we cover this topic.

My wife, Robin, and I both had the same business-like approach to dating. We both felt that God wouldn't bless us to find that special someone unless we put in the effort. That meant going to every singles activity, dance and church function. It also meant meeting many different people.

The idea that you'll end up with one of the next few people you meet is very limiting. It is also a providential view that God will send the right person to you with little effort on your own part. I believe God expects us to put in the thought and effort.

If you want to hear a recommendation, it would be that you build dating and friendship pools; and that you recognize that MOST of your relationships do not need to lead toward romance. A good average would be 2 to 5 friends you date. As you decide whether or not the dating is working with any individual, you honestly and kindly end the ones that don't work out for you. But continue to let new friendships into your life.

Does it sound exhausting? Maybe that's because you place too many expectations on the one-and-only relationship that is supposed to work out for you. Why should I date so many people? By easing the expectations on your relationships, you put less strain on your interactions with others. The all or nothing approach to dating may be what is driving away many of your hopes. I'm not saying to ease your standards. Right and wrong are not arbitrary lines that we can shift around for our convenience. The world's free-for-all view of morality completely ignores Christ's teachings and God’s laws.

Realize that finding someone who is right for you may take some time. Many people are too eager to solve all their problems (which doesn't happen), by charging into premature commitment and marriage. Impatience will only frustrate your hopes. It may also lead to the kinds of mistakes that you regret for years. Many people marry the first person who sticks around long enough, only to wonder for the rest of their lives what they might have missed.

Don't make your decisions based on how lonely you feel. Also the best cure for self pity is to serve others in a good cause. It really does work. By helping others you concentrate less on what you're missing out on.

As you date, learn how you interact with others. What personality traits mesh best with yours. What are you looking for in a lifetime companion. It's futile to try to mold someone into your ideal expectation. That never works, and it is a frequent cause of failure in relationships. Sure, not everyone you date will measure up to your ideal mate. By realizing that you don't have to marry someone who isn't suited to you, you unburden your dating relationships of unrealistic expectations.

Obviously, you will never find the perfect match. That's where dating helps you practice principles of communication, understanding and negotiation. One or a few of your dating relationships may evolve into a long-term commitment. At that time, when you get engaged, you will know how to end or change the status of you other friendships.

Reading Shelf

10 Foolish Dating Mistakes That Men & Women Commit: And How To Avoid Them

by Lila Gruzen, Rebecca Sperber

"Ten Foolish Dating Mistakes" tells you the most common mistakes that turn dates into disasters. Learn how to stop "giving too much too soon" or "focusing too much on looks". Following the techniques and ideas in "Ten Foolish Dating Mistakes" improves the odds of learning how to date, communicate and love in a healthy way.

Find 10 Foolish Dating Mistakes… and read the reviews.
 

And several readers recommend:
I Kissed Dating Goodbye

by Joshua Harris, Rebecca St James

Avoid the trap of feeling you have to be in a romantic relationship to have meaning in your life. I Kissed Dating Goodbye offers an all-new approach to dating relationships. It calls young adults away from playing the dating game.
Synopsis
Offering a new approach to dating relationships, calling young adults away from playing the dating game and revealing how they can live a lifestyle of sincere love, true purity, and purposeful singleness, this book will inspire teens and young adults to remap their romantic lives in the light of God's Word.

Find I Kissed Dating Goodbye and read the reviews.
 
 
 

Go to Learning Love and Life Home Page

Join Love Newsletter!