In the movie "My Life" Michael Keaton's character Bob, who is dying from cancer, tries to reconcile his life -- well, that isn't what he realizes he is doing at first. He thinks he's taping a video for his yet-to-be-born son who will never know him.

At a point when Bob feels himself departing from his body, he is brought back suddenly by the chiropractor who tells him he has to make peace with his own father. "What?" Bob asks in astonishment. "I don't have any problems with my father."

A point that is brought out by the film is that every day is a gift of life to take care of the conflicts and loose ends. A main conflict that seems to be missing from most of the books on relationships and virtually every text on psychology is the need to forgive others.

The dragons in our lives are the hurts, fears and unresolved issues of our past that block today's progress. But dredging up the past just to blame or acknowledge anger isn't enough. Blame is never the cure. What is needed is reconciliation.

A woman, whose father was a depressed alcoholic, probed for those tendencies in every man she met. Any sign of inattentive behavior reminded her of how disconnected her dad had been. Her memories of her dad sitting, drinking beer, and his threatening behavior, were dragons that kept her from seeing any man as a potential husband.

We each deal with different dragons. Our parents probably weren't perfect or well informed in their methods of discipline. We may have been hurt or betrayed by those we trusted. Or our relationships may be filled with memories of disappointment, anger and abuse. Intentionally or not, we might project unresolved feelings from our past onto our loved ones.

There are two parts of reconciliation. Both are necessary to successfully enabling love in our lives. The first is an emphatic caution: stop any abuse now. Whether you are a victim or the aggressor, the damage has to stop. A victim of abuse needs to seek safety away from harm, while protecting loved ones from danger. The second, forgiveness, is vital to reconciliation. But forgiving doesn't mean allowing an abusive situation to continue.

The Lord requires us to forgive everyone who as hurt us in any way. The person who does not forgive carries a serious burden. The condemnation of an unforgiving heart is the self-denial of spiritual growth and progress. Literally, a person blocks his or her own development by denying forgiveness to someone else. Forgiveness frees our hearts from the spiritual poisons of anger and resentment.

Forgiving past hurts allows us to progress forward. By forgiving a brother's insensitivity, a woman can let go of apprehensions of condescension from the men in her life. By forgiving an ex-spouse of infidelity, a husband or wife can clean the slate for a faithful new marriage. By forgiving a father of abandonment, a woman can trust her husband, rather than harbor suspicion against him. We can let go of past rejections, rather than let them stifle today's efforts.

These are just a few examples of how slaying our dragons will help us conquer obstacles in our relationships. It usually seems that the offender doesn't deserve our forgiveness. But even if it is the hardest thing we do, mercy is required of us, The only thing holding us back is fear -- fear that justice will not be served; that we won't be in control. We need to have faith in God's mercy and justice. Our role is not to judge but to give mercy.

Perfect love casts out fear. By letting go of past hurts, we enable ourselves and our loved ones to live on a higher plane. We breathe new life and trust into our lives ahead.
 

Reading Shelf

THE ART OF FORGIVING:
When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How

by Lewis B. Smedes

"When we forgive, we set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner we set free is us."

Lewis B. Smedes shows how forgiveness is a way of healing. He outlines the many subtleties involved in forgiveness, such as distinguishing anger from hate, and noting that we only forgive those we blame (including ourselves).

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