What is this thing called love? Is it something indescribable? Or are there specific attributes to love from which we can learn? One reader suggested that God's love is all we need. I agree that if we were able to love as perfectly as God does, we would not have to define love. It would be a natural part of our being.

But most of us aren't perfect, and we fall short of the ideal in various ways. Many assumptions about love come from flawed concepts. Traditional ideas just don't provide all the answers, and in fact many common-sense notions are simply wrong.

Lots of the myths are misleading in subtle ways. For instance, "Love is a feeling." "It is romance." "I will find my destiny with my soulmate." "Love will cure the loneliness and suffering." There seem to be more misconceptions than truths. We're stuck with so many wrong ideas that it's no wonder many people are confused.

While love is the most powerful influence on earth, it doesn't make everything perfect or easy. It brings tremendous challenges, causes much heartache, and stretches us beyond our natural capabilities. Love is one of the simplest concepts; yet it may be one of the most difficult undertakings.

God IS love. By recognizing God's love and following Christ's example, our hope is to love as He does. Only then can we approach the ideal of love.

God's love is infinite. It isn't defined by boundaries, nor constrained to human limitations. In His all-encompassing, perfect love for us, He sent Christ to provide atonement and everlasting life.

Charity, or the love of God, operates on principles of caring. He is able to love each of us completely with all of our flaws and strengths. His love is motivated purely to bless all of His children. God is the source of true love. If we attach our love to other people, rather than look to God as the source, our affection is misplaced.

Love vs. Romance

A difficult concept is the need to love as an individual. Each person needs to accept love as a personal lifestyle. M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled defines love as the desire to aid another in his or her spiritual growth. This meaning frees love from the prevalent idea of romantic attachment. A loving person can love others without the expectation that the relationship turn into romance.

The kind of love Christ advocated was a life of caring for others' needs. The first commandments are to love God with complete devotion and to love one's neighbor as well as oneself.

An understanding God's love and Christ's atonement allows us to accept ourselves. We need to become free from critical self-judgment and find room for healing and growth. Only then can we accept, appreciate and love others with the same benevolence.

With these perspectives in place we realize we need to love others in general before we can have real love for another individual. If we have real love, it is not exclusive to one person. We should be able to feel love for all, while experiencing romantic love in a special relationship with our loved one. But any amount of contempt toward others that we hold in our hearts prevents us from partaking in God's love for all His children.

With the perspectives of God's love, love for one's self and others, we will be able to recognize aspects of love in our closest relationships.

Love is manifest in every aspect of our interactions. At the time of his second inaugural address, Abraham Lincoln stood in a position to rebuke the leaders of the civil rebellion. But his carefully-chosen words were a balm to bind up the nation's wounds: "With malice toward none; with charity for allÉ."

Charity

The characteristics of love comprise a short list: charity suffers long, is patient, kind and rejoices in truth. Charity acts in faith, hope, endurance and permanence.

If we want to know if our love is built on lasting principles we can measure how we do in these areas. The traits seem to be defined around how selfless our actions are, in consideration for the needs of the other person.

If aspects of the romance we feel fall into the list of "What charity is not," our feelings of "love" might be an earthy imitation. If it is self-seeking, looking for validation in the relationship, motivated by pride or jealousy it's probably something other than love.

Selfishness draws in several variations, like using another person to gratify our vanity. Other characteristics of selfishness are possessiveness of others, lust and unkind actions that hurt others or disregard their value as individuals. Self-centered behavior should not be mistaken for love.

True love is selfless. The closer we can come to ideal love, the more our attention is focused toward the benefit and blessing of our loved ones.

Mind, Heart and Soul

We are three-part beings, coming from separate spheres. Our spirit is the offspring of God. Through the spirit we commune with His Spirit. Our body comes from earthly parents and experiences life through the senses. The unity of body and spirit is the soul of man.

Much of our learning is intellectual. We absorb facts and experiences. What we learn through emotions and feelings is no less important. These two modes of understanding are based in the mind and heart. But enlightened discernment comes from neither thought nor feelings alone. Only when we turn our understanding to God can we understand things that are spiritual.

We don't get to know God's love through empirical senses, by sight or sound. But Paul says in I Corinthians 2:9 that it isn't through the heart either. Things of the spirit can only be understood spiritually.

What does this have to do with love relationships?

The mind and heart are integral to love. Love isn't just a feeling. If it were, it would be a physical/emotional experience manifest merely between two physical bodies. And if it were merely intellectual, love could exist in the physical absence of lovers. I've painted both sides in extreme colors, because real love is not one or the other, but a combination of mind, heart and spirit.

We experience love through senses, emotions, feelings and thoughts and through a spiritual connection. All of these aspects are part of a complete experience. Take one or two away, and you're left with something less than real love. It's quite common that people who are "in love" only on physical and emotional levels, don't have the depth of compassion, conviction and trust to last a lifetime. All by itself, the heart is a fair-weather companion.

In Hopelessly Devoted, Olivia Newton John sang, "My head is saying, Fool, forget him.' My heart is saying, 'Don't let go." Conflicting messages should not be disregarded. In looking for a lifetime companion to marry, we need to heed every message from the head, heart and spirit, while suppressing the would-be overriding hormonal desires.

In marriage, husband and wife no longer need to wonder if they are in love. But they have a greater challenge: to keep the combination of mind, heart and spirit in harmony. Husbands and wives need to nurture all aspects of the soul. They give attention to one another's physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Neglect in any area creates an unbalanced marriage.

Love is an act of faith. It can be nurtured by looking to The Source.

Learning Love From The Source

Our youngest turned two years old the other day. His rendition of "Happy Birthday" came out as "Happy day." I should write a book called, What Little I'm Learning About Love I Get From My Baby.

Jesus expressed the need to humble ourselves as a little child. Little children have loving qualities that we lose as adults. They are full of bright-eyed wonder to the beauty of life. They are not capable of cynicism, doubt or cruel intentions. They nurture in love rather than withdraw from it. They live in the present moment. Little children are submissive, meek, humble and patient. Not knowing anything else, little children know what is most important--love.

As adults, we allow all kinds of barriers to separate us from love. We intellectualize concepts into abstraction. We fill our hearts and minds with clutter and concerns. We become alienated from each other and from God by sin, guilt and grief. We let anxiety, resentment, fear and doubt keep us from fully participating in love.

Love is an act of faith. It follows the same rules: We love as a choice of agency, allowing others the same right. We act in faith, believing in the goodness of a relationship and the value of the other individual. We nurture the seed of faith with patient care, allowing it to blossom into fruit. Then the fruit of our love continues to perpetuate fruit and seed for new crop.

When we recognize that God is the source of love, we can ask and receive divine aid. Instead of praying for the love of our life to show up, we should pray to show up with a life full of love. We need to let God into our hearts and seek His divine ability to forgive and love others perfectly. As we grow in our ability to love others, we will enjoy lasting and rewarding relationships.

Books

In 1943, in Great Britain, C. S. Lewis was invited to give a series of radio lectures addressing the central issues of Christianity. Expanded into book form, Mere Christianity never flinches as it lays out the fundamental truths of Christianity and compassion. Rejecting the boundaries that divide Christianity's many denominations, Lewis finds a common ground on which all those who have Christian faith can stand together.

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, is subtitled, A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. Peck shares the view that "life is difficult" and personal growth is a "complex, arduous and lifelong task." He describes a journey to strength, confidence, happiness, fulfillment, and self-understanding.

Finding True Love

Daphne Rose Kingma is the author of books on relationships, including: True Love: How to Make Your Relationship Sweeter, Deeper and More Passionate; Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours and along with co-author John Gray, The Men We Never Knew: How to Deepen Your Relationship With the Man You Love. Long titles, huh? Stick around ....

In Finding True Love: The Four Essential Keys to Discovering the Love of Your Life, Kingma shows how faith, intention, trust and surrender are vital ingredients to prepare emotionally and spiritually as a prerequisite to a fulfilling relationship.

Choosing God's Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance
by Don Raunikar

Don Raunikar draws on Biblical counsel and his experience as a psychotherapist to share advice on healing from the past and how to avoid the pain of "counterfeit oneness" physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Choosing God's Best is a guidebook for creating godly, deeply satisfying relationships.

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