Maria has been married twice, the second time on the rebound. It lasted six months before she was back in court to untie the knot. Now she is living with two daughters and a son from the first marriage. Day to day takes up most of Maria's time. At the rate she meets new faces, she wonders if the kids will be in college by the time she finds the right man to marry again.

Brian has been sole provider for his three sons since his divorce two-and-a-half years ago. Getting no child support, he is just able to manage on his modest income. Brian's parents take care of the kids during the day and shuttle them to and from school. To go out on dates or to singles dances, Brian has to make arrangements for a sitter. But he knows, he won't find someone by watching videos at home on Friday nights.

It isn't what it sounds like. The names and details have been changed to show a slice of life. Maria and Brian don't meet, fall in love and live happily ever after. They, like hundreds of thousands of others, live with daily challenges.

Singles are usually lumped into one large "unmarried" category, but their circumstances and concerns are as widely varied as any random sample of people. Whether you face the challenges, or know someone who does, we all need to be aware of the difficulties faced by single parents, as well as what can be done to help. I won't pretend to know all the concerns to talk about. Here are just a few.

Emotional Baggage

Divorcees have to deal with the residue of emotions left by the divorce. Even if the separation was amiable, feelings will surface. Why did the marriage fall apart? Do I share the blame for not succeeding in the relationship? Am I living in denial of harm I've caused? How can I avoid future mistakes? Is it a matter of proper mate selection? Or do I have admit I don't know much about love and go back to learning the basics? Will I meet my one and only? Some of these concerns are the same for everyone. I hope the advice in Finding Love helps address some basic questions

Children and Responsibilities

Everyone has to make a living. In a world adjusted to two-income families, the odds are stacked against the single parent. Children compound the difficulty of every aspect of being single. Parents cannot avoid the responsibilities of caring for and supporting their children.

Some challenges come and go--but not children. Whatever happens, the single parent has to rise above his or her own concerns to be there for the children. Often that means sacrificing what one wants to do for what needs to be done. The idea of a relaxed vacation in the tropics, sans kids, is as unlikely as it is unrealistic. A lot of spontaneity is lost. Gone too are a lot of choices, like how to spend a few extra thousand dollars budget surplus.

Accepting one's situation goes a long way toward dealing with it. The children have to get on with life--so do you. So get on together. Sometimes, dating will be with kids in tow. Take an afternoon together in the park to see how your date relates to a family. Rent a video after the kids go to bed. Whatever you do, keep a positive outlook for a bright future. Take time to enjoy the beauty of life--now. Don't expect your problems to vanish in clouds of eventual bliss.

Unlearning Fear

The fear of failure is self-fulfilling prophecy. Projecting the loss of love on a future relationship sows the seeds of doubt that lead to fault-finding and looking at the another with a critical eye. You would not wish to undergo negative scrutiny from someone you're trying to impress. No one wants to be treated that way. So treat others as you would like to be treated.

Fear itself, inhibits acting in faith. See Dreams and Falling or Flying for some thoughts on fear.

Relearning Love

Children seem to be most affected by divorce. It's easy, for a single parent, to project resentment against a former spouse onto the kids. The responsibilities and challenges create stresses and constant difficulties.

For three years, I took care of my three boys as a single father. Their mother was absent much of that time, incommunicado in some other part of the country. The hardest part was the overwhelming change of life and having to deal with it alone. Frustration was a part of every-day life. Getting everyone ready in the morning was difficult; so was getting the boys to bed. Somewhere along the way, my inner voice said, "You're the adult here." It was my responsibility to ease the suffering for everyone. I made an effort to provide fun time together, getting out of the house, going often to nature, parks and eating out (cheap) each week.

I prayed for Christ's love, for patience and a kind heart. I tried to fill each day with love, beginning with gentle awakenings and ending with bedtime I-love-yous. We read scriptures and prayed together every night. With the help of my parents being there for the boys during the day, we had a more loving family setting.

One parent writes, "I have been a single parent for 15 years. They have been very long years since my boys have had many problems. I struggled with relationships with two of them for many years, then I truly believe I was inspired by the Lord in how to help these troubled relationships. One day, as I sat contemplating how to regain contact with my oldest son, I began to think about our life together. There had been so many negative experiences between the two of us. Sometimes, it seemed that that was all I could see about my past with him. Then, a sweet comforting feeling came over me. I realized that I could not change how he viewed our past, but I could change the focus of how I viewed our past. I decided to send him a thank you note every month, thanking him for one experience or personal characteristic that had endured me to him. The first one was a thank you for having been such a good listener when he was 13 months old and his father left us. I didn't remember if I had ever taken the time to tell him just how much I had appreciated his support even at that tender age. I wrote a couple more times, thanking him for one time or another. After just a few months, he wanted to see me and we have been building a more caring relationship ever since. When we finally ask, the Lord will always give us a good answer to our questions."

Giving Love a Chance

The principles of love are universal. To have love in our life, we have to be loving. Even harboring anger toward an ex-spouse poisons our ability to fully love in the "now". This was a new idea to my Sunday school class. You mean, you can't hate someone and love someone else? Does a fountain send forth sweet water and bitter? The fruit of love is sown in peace. It's worthwhile to read James 3, substituting the concept of love wherever "speech" is mentioned.

Support from Church Members

Do you feel judged by others when you go to church, or do you find there people who nurture and sustain you with your challenges? I was blessed to be surrounded by people who truly cared. Individuals gave encouragement and support. A reassuring word or kind deed goes a long way for anyone facing difficulty.

Also, however challenging your own circumstances are, don't overlook the need to reach out and help others in their needs. There are two reasons for this. First, love and life are what we put into them. Victim mentality leaves people feeling helpless and without hope. Empowerment comes through positive action, love and energy of life. Second, service is essential to a caring outlook. Being involved and helping others are the very best cures for self-pity and depression.

Faith in God

Remember, with God all things are possible. He cares about every person's challenges. Believe that he hopes for the best outcome through your trials.

A mother of four felt she couldn't do it on her own. She prayed for Heavenly Father to help her raise her children, so they would be all right. She said, "God, I'm giving them back to you." She raised them to maturity with love and acceptance. At one point, when she realized all of her guyfriends were turning out to be harmful and abusive, she decided it wasn't worth the risk to date men who would probably hurt her children. Grown up, they have gone on to have families of their own, but still they include "Mama" in their family lives.

Whether you know someone with challenging circumstances, or you have some of your own trials, faith is the answer. Believing is the same as becoming. Praying for God to bring about miracles in our life requires active faith. Just sitting around and waiting for a miracle won't do the job. Pray instead to be an instrument in God's hand to bring about miracles in the lives of those around you. Then know that God is vitally involved in the miracle of your own life.

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