Copyright (c) 1999 by Benjamin Devey. All rights reserved.
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Finding Love

Expecting to find a one-and-only leads to the misconception that relationships are disposable, and any flaw could disqualify the candidate for love. Love is active, not passive. Rather than find love, we need to learn to love as God does. In doing so, our capacity to love will increase. Charity is the pure, transcendent love of God. It is manifest as we allow Him into our hearts.

Nurturing Love

The windows of heaven wait to pour out blessings. They are constrained only by our ability to receive. And our ability to receive is determined by our capacity to give. The very act of being in awe of our loved one engenders the feelings that will ultimately nurture our love for them.

3 Keys

Charity is pure love, more than a sum total of everything we know about love. It is loving with true and correct principles. Regardless of how I implement pure love in my life, I have to allow others the autonomy to chose their own way to live. In both an eternal sense, as well as in natural outcome, we obtain the consequences of every act. For good or bad, we each shape our own world.

Others

Loving people are able to care about others without expecting reciprocal feelings. Love is absent in compulsion or force. Its real power is inseparable from the divine gift of agency. If it's not freely given and received, it's not love. Love gives. It doesn't take. It cannot be demanded. In giving, love is magnified, not diminished.

Fantasy or Reality?

With all of its ups and downs and unexpected twists, reality serves a far greater purpose than fantasy. People live in past and future hopes, investing half-effort in the present. And when real life doesn't measure up to the fantasy, the blame is misplaced on lack of chemistry. Our character grows as we successfully surmount conflicts and difficulties. To bypass these growing experiences would be to forgo growth. Love isn't about two halves fitting together. It's possible only if each individual completely gives of him- or herself, out of wholeness.

Obstacles

When someone truly loves another, they love them as a whole person, knowing their faults and weaknesses, and loving them anyway. By seeking forgiveness, and by learning to forgive in our own heart, frequent feelings of wrongness can miraculously vanish.

Fidelity

We need to own the responsibility of our generation to teach our children correct principles, so they will be in a position of capable self-government. Fidelity is an attitude of the heart. It is the conviction to one's spouse, "I am wholly and completely for you, as we two are for God."

Hugs

A hug is neutral territory. By closing the space with your loved one, there is no room in that moment for disagreements or grudges--only acceptance, understanding and sympathy. A request for a hug from your spouse should never be left ungranted.

Possessiveness

In marriage we share a common bond, a togetherness, but it isn't a quit-claim deed or a property title. It's more like a joint-stewardship to take care of and nurture the relationship with our fondest hopes and attentions. Trust is vital to love. When two individuals build mutual faith in each other, they become emotionally free to give and receive nurture. In mature love, individuals don't own each other. They each give to the other an offering of all their love.

Single Parent Challenges

Reach out and help others in their needs. Love and life are what we put into them. Empowerment comes through positive action, love and energy of life. Second, service is essential to a caring outlook.

Well Matched

The belief in a perfect match depends on whether you're approaching or leaving the wedding altar. As a loving father, God looks on our choices with loving involvement, knowing that we must make our most vital decisions by faith and by our own free will. It is we, after all, who have to live with our decisions.

Love Lessons

Being single, it's hard not to feel alone. It seems as if the whole world is paired off, and he is a lone single isolated from love. We should treat all of our associations with others as precious connections. They don't have to eventuate in companionship. We regard each individual as being lovable and unique.

Fall or Fly

You can fly, if you're not afraid to fall. By acting on promptings of the Holy Spirit we can accomplish much good.

Thinking of You

In early romance, doing little things for each other comes naturally . There are millions of ways to say "I love you." You'll never run out of ways to say it. Caring acts are the colors and textures of your relationship over time. Too often we wait to tell those we care about how we feel. The time to share your love is now and every moment.  Love is the greatest truth. No other act on earth can more honestly confirm a person's value.

How We Learn

Humility is a vital learning tool. Being teachable means realizing that we don't have all the answers .... Only by recognizing the infancy of our knowledge will we ever be able to learn truths of the eternities.

Healing a Broken Heart

By its nature, grief is both intense and short-lived. Our adversity and affliction, though large in presence, last but a small moment in eternal perspectives. Until we let go of resentment and unholy feelings, we can never attain to higher realms of spiritual growth.

Dating for Singles

Most people want the fulfillment of a meaningful relationship, even when it means commitment, sacrifice and a lot of effort. Love comes into the love-filled life.

Let's Be Direct

By stating your desires and expectations clearly you open a channel for clear communication. To feel one thing and say something else places barriers in the way of relationships. Clear messages need to convey real meanings.

Idealizing Love

Some people are so in love with the idea of love, that romance becomes the main focus. Whether or not this imitation of love is attached to an individual, this form of worship is idolatrous.

Being Human

Misunderstanding, impatience and disappointment are usually products of misplaced expectations, and not so much subversive behaviors by a deliberate malefactor. Rather than searching for faults, pure love looks for potential.

Sharing Perspectives

It is always a matter of agency, whether two individuals make the choices and sacrifices necessary to foster nurturing in a relationship. In general a woman's strength is in verbal communication and social interaction, where a man's is generally spatial and logical organization. Men and women bring different skills and strengths to a relationship. The resulting synergy is greater than our combined individual contributions.

Miracles

Miracles occur when both necessity and faith are present. When miracles don't occur, it is because people demand them for proof of divine intervention.

Keys to Lasting Marriage

Husbands and wives entrust their emotions, love and trust in each other, in the hope that their love will be valued and safeguarded If we build our caring on the foundation of charity, it becomes selfless. Rather than awarding and keeping tally, our giving is unreserved. We nurture out of the desire to bless our loved ones. Casual attitudes about marriage fill every corner of today's society. From widespread acceptance of divorce, infidelity, and humor that belittles spouse and marriage, to rampant disregard of the essential role parents play in nurturing children, it seems that society and media are at war against the sacred institutions of marriage and family.  Unity of purpose, calm discussion of issues and coping with challenges together all build a foundation of trust and companionship. Intimacy in marriage--meaning the deepest levels of communication, relating and sharing--is only possible when a husband and wife are completely open to each other. Liking one another is the light you bring to your marriage masterpiece. It's the original perception--more a matter of perspective than anything else. Couples need to continually find ways to enjoy each other's company. Life is about choices. We choose every day to suffer or celebrate.

Grace

If we lapse and yell at our kids, or forget something that is important to our loved one, it doesn't make us unfit for love. Have you ever heard of anyone having his marriage license revoked?

Isolation

One person can make the difference to bring encouragement to someone else who is suffering. Your thoughtfulness can brighten a bleak outlook. By turning your focus outward, you let God's Spirit work through you to bless others.

Dealing with Difference

Men generally think in terms of facts, while women deal more with feelings. Men make great analysts, while women are better equipped to get to the heart and meaning of issues. The two perspectives are complementary skills necessary for resolving conflicts. We can all benefit from each other. Accepting and loving others only broadens our world.

Gratitude: a Life Difference

Our lives and relationships will be blessed if we can instill gratitude into our character. Our thankfulness needs to sink to a deeper, more personal level. That's what happens when we recognize the grace of Christ and our indebtedness for His atonement. Gratitude unburdens our spirit from negative emotions and gives room for charity in our hearts. It opens the windows of heaven to work miracles in our lives. It shines light in our caring for others. Giving and gratefully receiving both come from the same spirit. Both are essential to loving relationships.

Long-Distance Love

The ties that bind two hearts are tighter when they are made to stretch. The feelings of closeness magically seem to intensify in the desire to be reunited. An important aspect of waiting is that we take care of our own needs. We need to maintain a balance in each area: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. In spite of future hope, we need to live in the here and now.

Calm--A Noble Virtue

Our technological conveniences were designed to save time, the one thing no one seems able to spare. Human bonds, family cohesiveness, mature wisdom, character and spiritual growth require serenity in the pursuit of faithful inevitability.

An Irreverent Look at Love Songs

The true test of romantic love is not the intensity of desperation between two people. Love is proven in its ability to grow in a lasting, evolving relationship. Love is not a one-time alignment of the universe that never before or ever will happen to two other people. In fact, billions of people find ways to express love in plain and ordinary ways every day. Devotion is a good idea. It's the loose interpretation of "sticking around until things change" that is bad execution.

The Gift of Giving

Expectant giving doesn't bring the richest blessings. Those come through a deeper soul process.

A New Beginning

Every day is a new beginning, and the best time for change is now. Christ's atonement is available, and the need for repentance is ever present.

Unity

Unity is necessary to our personal development, to successful relationships and to living in harmony with the world.  World peace and unity are possible only if they can be found in our own hearts.

What is Love?

God's love is infinite. It isn't defined by boundaries, nor constrained to human limitations. The love of God, operates on principles of caring. He is able to love each of us completely with all of our flaws and strengths. His love is motivated purely to bless all of His children. We need to love others in general before we can have real love for another individual. If we have real love, it is not exclusive to one person. We experience love through senses, emotions, feelings and thoughts and through a spiritual connection. Instead of praying for the love of our life to show up, we should pray to show up with a life full of love.

Who's Responsible?

A person who tries to force his opinions, thinking or ways of doing things is acting in unrighteous dominion, regardless of how "in the right" he may feel about it. A person who does not respect the rights of individuals is not a respectable person. The areas in which we should recognize our personal responsibility are the areas over which we have some degree of control.

Attraction

Obsession with attraction on one hand is lust. A focus on beauty makes objects out of people. And when itís turned inward, as beauty fixation, it is vanity. If we recognize our Creator in each person, we will begin to see the beauty in every individual. We can find admirable traits in every individual, whether or not we share a deep relationship.

It's About People

Although the difficulties bring a sense of cynicism, don't allow yourself to accept feelings of futility. It's always possible to learn and grow. Where there is possibility there is hope. A man needs to recognize a woman's different heart issues and emotions. Rather than just dismissing her different states as a "woman thing" he needs to try to understand how she might be feeling. This does not come naturally to men.

A Change of Heart

God is the Source of true love. And He is generous to give a change of heart to those who sincerely seek it in faith.

Dealing With Setbacks

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Sometimes it takes creative problem solving to find affirmative steps that will address the circumstances. I have found that even when my challenges seemed beyond control, there were always options. By finding specific solutions, there are ways to address problems and improve their impact on your circumstances.

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