Humour by Bill Olson
For humor that's not for everyone:
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All uv thuh phollowing R copyright protected buy Bill Olson.
Sum uv theez phunnies are phrum hyz life ekzperiences.
I just saw a news report on ABC about a cache of bullets found in a shipment
of fruit in the Middle East.
Tell me if I'm wrong, but do you really want to bring down fruit with a gun?
"See that grapefruit way up there on the top branch? I can get it down with my AK-47."
*BANG*
"Ahhh!!!-- It squirted me in the eye!!"
Sunday, October 21, 2001
Henry and Judy,
I think I’d better look for a career outside of journalism.
A TV-13 reporter and I were driving to Osseo today to cover a
Republican staged-event. The lieutenant governor was going to be there.
I told the reporter, “I haven’t been paying attention to the newspaper
photos, so I won’t even recognize the lieutenant governor; you’ll have
to point him out.”
(The lt. gov. in 2001 was Margaret Farrow.)
As if that wasn’t bad enough, we decided to stop and get a
weather shot. I wanted to photograph the geese on the opposite
shoreline from the park. It turned out the geese were in a private back
yard. But the homeowner was in the front with his dog, so I asked if I
could shoot the geese. He very kindly said yes and invited me into his
house so I could get a good view from his deck. As I was busy setting
up the camera, he told me his name and that he’s the owner of the
Tri-County News.
Well my luck was getting better all the time. Maybe he’ll hire
me some day. When I was finished, I shook his hand and said, “Maybe
you’ll interview me for a job some day, Mr. Perkins." He laughed
nervously.
When I backed out of his driveway, I saw his mailbox said
Jensen. So, guys, if I ever brag about my academic success, just say,
“Remember Osseo.”
That will shut me up.
-- Bill
1-24-02
(In response to a January 23 Reuters news story that
said Hewlett-Packard Co. and
University of California scientists have patented a way to eventually
produce powerful computers
smaller than the head of a pin:)
Well, friends, here's how I lost my job at the HP computer factory back in 2019. I made the mistake of entering the
"cleanroom" without my filter mask. The room was supposed to be dust free, so I thought I had discovered something when I began sneezing. My nose began to run. I got a headache. I took some allergy medicine and felt quite fine an hour later -- until I learned that I had not inhaled dust; I had inhaled about 100,000 of the latest computers with a retail value of $900 each.
--Bill
1:40 PM 4/9/02
Thank you. And not only do I thank you, my mother thanks you, my father thanks you, the dog thanks you, the cat says you can go to hell....
1:35 PM 4/9/02
No matter what I do, I just can't seem to make enough money to live on. I recently went back to school and got a second degree, and though I racked up three more honor society memberships I can't get a good job.
And I haven't earned enough money to get very good Social Security benefits. When I get too old to work, it looks like I'll be too poor to retire. I'll have to move to the Amazon rain forest and live in a
thatched hut.
That might be nice anyway. I spent a few days in a thatched hut in a rain forest
in Mexico, and it was peaceful and beautiful. I also don't want to end up in nursing home, and this could solve that worry, too. If I'm living in a
thatched hut and get a stroke, I'll be lying on the dirt floor till the monkeys eat me.
Jan. 24, 2000
Some of the presidential candidates seem to think they're already president.
For example, just the other day, George W. Bush received his gas bill -- and he tried to sign it into law.
11-1-01
It's good to keep your toenails trimmed because it's difficult to type with long nails.
4-11-97
A man is visiting another country and is accused of a crime he didn't commit. His lawyer assures him he'll be found innocent, but when he gets to court he finds the place manned totally by kangaroos.
He says, "I don't like this."
5-27-97
Clowns are child amusers.
1-31-98
I've come to the unhappy realization that I'm probably going to die in my lifetime. In fact, I'm almost certain of it.
5-1-99
How many tobacco executives does it take to change a light bulb?
None; they don't change light bulbs, they have children do it for them.
How many National Rifle Association members does it take to change a light bulb?
None; they prefer to remain in the dark.
10/26/00
Mom keeps her medicines in an orange cloth bag. When she goes upstairs to bed, she often realizes she left the bag downstairs. Tonight, I was lying in my bed reading when she asked me to go down and bring it to her.
This was a long day. It was 11 pm and I'd been up since 8:30 a.m. Currently I was sending an e-mail to the county clerk for Public Affairs Reporting class. I prefer to study upstairs so I have fewer distractions. I have a lot of work to finish, then I have to get up at 7 tomorrow morning to meet with the principal and an ESL teacher at Lincoln Elementary.
So when I came up with Mom's bag, I said, "When I go downstairs, I'm afraid I won't come up again."
She got very worried and, her voice shaking, asked "Why not?"
I replied, "TV, food, candy."