NEW INVENTIONS WE NEED

"We are all working together to one end,
some with knowledge and design,
and others without knowing what they do."
-- Marcus Aurelius

Solar Powered Flying Saucer

Solar power is distributed around the world at such low density, only about one or two horsepower per square yard on the brightest summer day, that a vehicle would need to be supremely efficient to make use of it, and a light-weight high-density storage battery of some sort would be needed to store up energy while the vehicle is parked. To invent a solar powered flying saucer would require the discovery of some principle whereby the craft could levitate itself on the gravity gradient, and then somehow recoup most of the energy when descending back to the ground. Also, achieving high speeds with such a vehicle would be impossible because of the loss of energy through air resistance. However, such a vehicle, if it could be invented, would be very useful for low speed hovering applications such as search and rescue or certain law enforcement duties.

Molecular Recombinant Trash Recycler

We need a chamber into which we could throw all of our trash, without regard to toxicity or other environmental hazards, and it would undergo molecular dissociation and reassociation into useful materials. Since such a facility would be stationary, it could make use of solar power by using a large area such as a rooftop for collection of solar energy.

New Method for Building Houses from Trash

Surround the landfill with an array of standing wave generating crystals that will dissociate the trash molecules. Then have a solar powered flying saucer hovering over the landfill suck up the dissociated molecules, convert them to plasma form, and project them to a second solar powered flying saucer hovering over the building site. This second flying saucer will then reconstitute the plasma into building material molecules and then project them down to the building site, where another array of standing wave generating crystals will guide the molecules into place, where they will congeal into the form of a house. Just think of the sheer computing power and the gadzillions of megabucks in software contracts that will be required to control this whole scheme!

Speed Limit Enforcer

The traffic police need something more effective than radar for speed limit enforcement. I suggest a speed-sensitive retro-wave generator that will instantly vaporize the front wheels off of any vehicle that's speeding. This, of course, would jam up traffic pretty bad as the caught vehicle grinds to a halt, but these devices would certainly keep speeds down once everybody finds out they're in use.

Crossing Gates at Traffic Lights

We need traffic lights to be supplemented by enormously heavy crossing gates that slam down suddenly the instant the light turns red. That oughta stop red light runners in their tracks!

Traffic Noise Controllers

Traffic noise control should be achieved by acoustic reactive wave generators that would shatter a few key engine parts of any vehicle making excessive noise. Young studs driving their unmuffled muscle cars down to the Tiki Bar in hopes that the noise will impress sweet young ladies will be especially frustrated, I realize, but every good thing has its costs.

Motion Sensing Automatic Doorbells

Motion sensors are already in existence for turning on lights, and there's no reason they couldn't ring doorbells just as well. A tiny transponder could be built into each house key to inhibit the doorbell actuation, so that it wouldn't be needlessly ringing when the householders themselves, carrying their keys in their pockets, are out round and about their own property.

Power Windows for Houses

In your own home, the most desirable arrangement of your furniture often leaves you with a very awkward reach to open and close windows. The technology for power windows is so well-established that there's no reason they couldn't be made sufficiently durable and reliable to remain trouble-free for as long as the house is going to last.

Garage Floor Turntables

A garage floor could have a turntable built into it so you could drive your car in, get out of it, and punch the button to rotate the car so that the next time you need it, it's pointing back out again. This would be especially handy if you live along a busy street where backing in or out would create safety issues and especially if your house is on a small lot where it would be impractical to have a driveway big enough to turn around in.

Flashlights in Keys

House keys and car keys could be made with tiny flashlights built into the handles, to help you find your keyhole in the dark. At least one model of Swiss Army Knife is already available with such a flashlight built into the handle, and many car keys and a few house keys already have large enough handles to accommodate the feature. Oh my goodness! I just saw in a hardware store just the other day that there's a nice little key-handle thingy for $3.00 that you slip onto your key and it's got a little light built into it! I may buy one and try it out! Maybe it's a lousy deal, but I guess I got not much to lose just for trying!

Personal Vehicle

We need a personal vehicle that takes up not much more space than a standing person but goes lots faster than you can walk. Oops, sorry, it's already been invented. Now, if we could only get legislators to figure out how to pass appropriate laws to maximize its usefulness.

Scrolls for Piano Music

Long pieces of piano music (more than one page or two pages face to face) ought to be printed on scrolls instead of in booklets, and the scrolls could then be mounted on motor-driven or windup-driven gadgets to turn them as the pianist progresses through the music. This would eliminate the need for the pianist to turn pages during the performance. The control for the scroll-turning gadget could be perhaps a knee-actuated lever under the keyboard, or perhaps a gadget held in the pianist's teeth, or under the pianist's chin, or whatever. Experienced pianists would need to be consulted about this little detail.

Environmentally Friendly Dishwasher

Humane Weapons of Mass Destruction

We need to have our military aircraft engines fine-tuned to produce a sound that's precisely the resonant frequency of the human rectal orifice. That shouldn't be hard to do. Several planes in the inventory already come very close to it. That way, the airplanes could simply fly round and about the enemy territory without dropping bombs or launching missiles, and all the people would instantly be afflicted with uncontrollable anal seepage. Most of them would not be able to make it to the rest room in time. Then our ground troops could rush in with portable laundromats and offer laundry services at premium prices.

Salvation Meters

Our churches have split into innumerable denominations and sects because we have not been able to determine scientifically what specific doctrines and rituals provide the greatest salvation. Since our religious leaders are absolutely certain of the precise definition of salvation, it ought to be fairly easy to design a salvation meter to measure the incoming flow rate of salvation into the chapel as we conduct our service. Therefore, adjustments could be made to the worship service to maximize the salvation flow rate. Eventually, all churches would discover the same system of doctrines and rituals, and we could all unite back into one huge religion again.

Hydraulic Lifts for Lecterns

Lecterns and pulpits that will be used by readers and preachers of different sizes should have hydraulic lifts built into them so they can be raised or lowered to suit the size of the speaker. These lifts could be controlled by arrays of photocells that detect the speaker's height and raise or lower the lectern automatically.

Can you think of any more inventions I oughta include?
You may e-mail your suggestions to me.
If you leave me a link I'll include a credit line to you.