Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up
with mud

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A:
Marriage

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have
you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long

Q: How many men does it  take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in  the dark and complain

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only  ones left are
disabled

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are
full of crap

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them
for life.




Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

Q. Do you know  why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A.
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. In kindergarden there are 29 brunettes, and one blone, who has the
biggest tits? A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vaporlock.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting

Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A. They keep stepping on the strings

Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother? A.
You can negotiate with the terrorist

Q. Did you hear  about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.


"Statues Come To Life"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a
city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to
give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty
minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his
hands,
the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the
bushes,
from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and
shaking of
branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the
bushes, wide
grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue
and said,
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's
head."






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