Below is a letter and some poetry I wrote to my therapist Susan.  I wanted to share it here because this page is so much of who I am,  but I would not be who I am today without  Susan.  She is the finest therapist and human being I have ever met. When I reached out for help I was lucky enough that Susan reached back. She is usually not more than a phone call away,  and most times just a few minute talk with her snaps me back into a better mood.  She was not the first therapist I went to, although I wish she were since I could possibly have gotten healthier faster, but everything happens for a  reason they say. Susan has instilled the beginnings of some self-confidence and self esteem something has has eluded me up until now.  God I still have a long way to go but I'm on the right path now instead of not  on the path at all.


   Thank god I found a therapist who cares so much about me.  You want me to be all that I am capable of being. You fill me with confidence, give me all the support I need and show a genuine interest in what I am doing. You always see my good qualities even when I don't think I have any. You have let me know that no matter what,  I can turn to you and you will be there. If I try something and fail your there to comfort me. If I try something and succeed your there for support and  to let me know I did good.  You always make me feel like there is no reason why I can't succeed at whatever I attempt which in turn encourages me to try harder. You make me feel good by really believing in me, and you want me to strive for the best life I can make for myself.  I think it's really a miracle that especially in these times when there are so many malpractice suits and people becoming therapists  only for profit, I was truly lucky enough to find you.  I know in therapy I need to do the  work not you, and I know that if I get healthier it's because I did the work,  but with out  your confidence in me, and without your guidance I truly believe I would not be where I am today.  I know I have a lot more work to do, but I also can now see where I came from and It's almost like I'm a different person. I have to admit sometimes it scares  the hell out of me that you know me so well,  but I believe that without knowing me so well you would not have been as effective in helping me. I was reaching out  for someone and you were that person. I know that traditional therapy is not something you practice,  at least with me and for that I am going to be forever grateful.  We have broken all the so called rules but look what has happened. I can honestly and with conviction say I am better. You have been telling me for a while now that I am better  but now I do feel I am better. I hope I have not crossed over that imaginary boundary between therapist and patient (any more than usual) with this letter but I felt the need to  put what I felt into words. You will always have a special place in my life and  in my heart. Since I've crossed over every boundary already I might as well do it again by telling you that if there is anything I mean anything I can ever do for you please  please ask. I feel a need to give back to you,  for you've given my life back to me.  I really do appreciate everything you have done for me….
Your help means more than words can ever say.
 

 With much Love, Respect and Admiration:
 Marlena

Thank You
 For taking the time to show you care
 For letting me know you are always there
 For allowing me to rely on your strength, but yet giving me the
 Hope to find my own strength
 Thank You
 For hearing the words I did not say
 Could not say
 For leading me to the path
 I was meant to take
 Thank You
 For the mirror you placed in my hand
            Hoping I would see firsthand
              The good person you knew me to be
                              The person I can NOW allow myself to be
                                       Thank You
      For believing in me even when I did not  believe in myself
                                   For helping me to find myself
                                   Even though I didn't even know
                                          I was missing
                                       Thank You
                                 For helping me to learn how to Feel
                                         Learn how to Cry
                                        Learn how to Heal
                                       Thank You
                           For listening week after week,  year after year
                                        To all I had Hidden
                                          To all I Forgot
                                         To all of my Hurt
                                        And all of my Pain
                               Thank You
                                   For watching my blank stares
                               My not  "being there"
                                      For not allowing me to
                                   To get to the point of no return
                                    Thank You
                For helping me, as the world as I knew it
                                      Came crumbling down
                         Hurting me,  Blinding me
                                         Yet waking me
                                  Into coming to terms with my past
                                   Thank You
                For helping me to use the tools you supplied me with
                                      To mend and to nurture
                               The broken places deep inside myself
                                           Thank You
                                     For never giving up on me
                                       For giving me Hope
                                      For being my Therapist
                                       For being my Friend
                                       Thank You

                                             By Marlena

             Copyright © 6/24/1998 By--Database Design Unlimited
                                         All Rights Reserved


To Susan

How do I find the words to say thank you?
When thank you seems like such empty words
And what I feel is anything but empty where your concerned
How do I express the gratitude I have for you,  that you so duly deserve

How do I say thank you to my Guardian Angel

Someone who has truly saved my life
True I could have existed without you in my life,  I could have gone on
But to what means,  to what quality of life?
More of the same robotic existence you saw in me when we first met
I missed all the signs,   I thought I was doing OK
But You saw right through my hardened shell

The shell where I kept everything hidden

The shell who's skin was getting thicker and thicker out of
Shame, Guilt and Denial
You have touched a part of my soul that nobody else has ever been able to get near
A place so deep inside myself that I allowed no-one access
I buried that part of my soul so deep I simply didn't even remember it still existed
Buried where no one else has ever been brave enough,  or cared enough to go

No one that is until now,  until you!!

You've shown me much more than mere kindness
You took a genuine interest in me  and what I was doing or not doing in my life
You could have backed off
It would have been easier,  and no one would have blamed you
I'm sure you remembered what you were taught in school about getting to close to the patient
Thank god you didn't always listen to that way of thinking
Or always play by the rules

Thank god you didn't give up on me

Instead you faced me head on
Held me when I needed to be held
Put a wet washcloth on my forehead
Or wiped the sweat from my brow,  when I was to weak too
You tried to comfort me and ward off my demons
As I fought to stay in the moment
You even held my hand for an entire evening,  as I faded in and out of consciousness
And I know I have even seen you shed a tear or two for me

You were there to hug me

When my shell went from having small cracks to huge gashes
And I was holding on to what little sanity I had left
I was praying with my entire being,  that they would not take me away
Praying with all my might that they would not have to tie me down
I knew that would certainly have put me over the edge

You knew that too

You were there to fight for me as my nightmares started to come to life
I heard you talking to me and comforting me
I heard you telling me to fight,  telling me to find my way back
I heard you telling me to stay in the moment,  not to leave
You gave me the will to want to fight,  by knowing you were there for me
You let me know I was not ALONE,  that we were in this together

You were determined for me to win

And it was your determination,  that pulled me back
Your dedication,  is empowering to me
You truly are my Guardian Angel
And I thank god for bringing you into my life
From every bad there comes something good I'm told
For Me You are that something good!!!!!
By Marlena
Copyright © 6/24/1998 By--Database Design Unlimited


 
 
 

 

1