Top Ten Signs You're An Internet Geek

Submitted By: Elizabeth (emy) Yow (emy@norfolk.infi.net)

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is, "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."

2. After winning the office Super Bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"

1. Two words: "Pizza's here."

Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the Net

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body is best viewed with Netscape Navigator 2.0 or higher."

8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.

3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

2. The last girl you picked up was on a JPEG.

1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed!

Engineers In a Car

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer, who had said nothing: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm--how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"


Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time on the Internet

(submitted by Susan Mayberry and Brad Maurer)

10. You have installed a toilet in front of your computer. (Huhtj)
9. You live at "http://21.Sycamore.Lane/Pittsburgh/PA/15201/Home.htm". (G. Peefalt, TheDugman@aol.com)
8. When someone asks "What's the best way to get in touch with you?", you say "Finger me!" (Dave R.)
7. People come to you instead of Yahoo's netsearch (Didi)
6. You try to learn Japanese because you've seen all of the English speaking pages. (Ben)
5. Your friends invite you to go surfing and you bring a computer. (Warlord)
4. Everytime you dial-up, AOL's stock jumps a quarter of a point. (G. Peefalt)
3. You've got enough frequent flyers points from your phone company to get to Uraguay and back. (MEATYCRAB)
2. Your mouse arm is twice as big as your other arm. (Alex Brown)
1. Your wife has to send you emails to tell you dinner's ready. (Didi)
CHECKLIST FOR "GEEKNESS"

  • Have you avoided going to a dance, or party, so you could be on-line?
  • Do you stay home whole weekends, only talking to a person through the use of a telecommuncations device (AKA: modem)?
  • Would you rather use your computer than hang out with your girl/boy friend?
  • Have you ever preferred to type a message to someone than to talk to them in fear of sounding like a total moron?
  • Do you not have a girl/boyfriend?
  • Have you ever given up sex to use your computer?
  • Have you ever yelled at someone to leave you alone, and not talk to you, so you could use your computer?
  • Do you relate better to computers than to people?
  • Can you write a GUI, but not write a letter to your girl/boyfriend?
  • Do you know more about computers than the human body?
  • Do you think Eliza had a great personality?
  • Was Dr. Sbaitso a great therapist?
  • Do you wish that there was a computer interface between you and the rest of the world?
  • Have you ever had Cybersex?
  • Do you like your computer more than life itself?
  • Do you treat your computer better than your significant other?
  • Do you spend more money on your computer than your significant other?
  • Would you rewrite the rules of dating to include classes and inheritance?
  • Is your .plan larger than your list of girl/boyfriends?
  • Do you talk to your computer more than your significant other?
  • Would you rather live with other geeks than live at home (parents house)?
  • Do you know more computer languages than verbal languages?
  • Can you recite more programming commands than words in the English language?
  • Do you read Dr. Dobbs Journal more than the newspaper?
  • Do you have more modems than people's phone numbers (not counting computers)?
  • Does DOOM get you more excited than your girl/boyfriend?
  • Do you stay up longer to finish a program than to have sex?

  • Second : Computing Questions

    1. Do you own an XT or higher?
    2. Do you own a modem?
    3. Do you own more than 1 modem?
    4. -- more than 5?
    5. -- more than 10?
    6. -- more than 50?
    7. Do you have 1 or more computers?
    8. -- more than 5?
    9. -- more than 10?
    10. -- more than 25?
    11. Do you reprogram your keyboard into your own custom layout?
    12. Do you have logo stickers on your computer (not counting Int*l Ins*de(tm)?
    13. Is your monitor bigger than your TV?
    14. Is your hard disk bigger than your bank account (not counting cents)?
    15. Do you have more mice than a laboratory?
    16. Is your computer bigger than a suitcase?
    17. -- is it due to you customizing it for more 'features'?
    18. -- is it because the amplifier looked so lame in the walnut vaneer cabinet?
    19. -- is it because you have a computer operated saftey deposit box?
    20. -- is it due to an extra power supply to operate the 8-inch drive?
    21. Is the power supply to your computer out side of the case, because it wouldn't fit inside (wrong one, but it works)?
    22. Is your keyboard so dirty that people have complemented how cool the charcoal gray looks with your black tower case?
    23. Is your computer's case size comparitive to your manhood (a phallic symbol)?
    24. Is your monitor so dirty that there are plants growing in the dust?
    25. Do you know 1 or more programming languages?
    26. -- more than 5?
    27. -- more than 10?
    28. -- more than 20?
    29. Have you made up your own programming language to get the robust function set that you couldn't find anywhere else?
    30. Do you know less than 10 online users in real life?
    31. -- less than 8?
    32. -- less than 5?
    33. -- less than 3?
    34. -- less than 1!?
    35. Do you have the most expensive disk controller you could find?
    36. Do you have a 286?
    37. Do you have a 386?
    38. Do you have a 486?
    39. Do you have a P5?
    40. Do you have an Alpha?
    41. Do you have a MIPS Architecture computer?
    42. Do you *not* have a 68000 based architecture computer?
    43. Do you run a full time Internet machine?
    44. Is your personal Internet connection a 28.8 or less SLIP/PPP connection?
    45. -- 64k or more?
    46. -- 128k or more?
    47. -- 384k or more?
    48. -- 1536k or more?
    49. -- 45MBps or more?
    50. -- 100MBps or more?
    51. -- 1GBps or more?
    52. Do you have a house network?
    53. Does it contain 2 or more computers?
    54. -- more than 5?
    55. -- more than 10?
    56. -- more than 20?

  • Last : Personal Habits

    1. Is your desk a mess?
    2. Do you have empty soda cans all around you?
    3. Do you stay up into the wee hours of the morning?
    4. Is your room messier before an earthquake?
    5. Do you shower less than once a week?
    6. -- twice a week?
    7. -- every other day?
    8. -- every day?
    9. -- multiple times a day?
    10. Do you change your underware less than once a week?
    11. -- less than twice?
    12. -- every other day?
    13. -- every day?
    14. Do you comb your hair?
    15. Do you change your sheets less than once a month?
    16. -- less than twice?
    17. -- every week?
    18. Have you worn one pair of clothes all week?
    19. -- month?
    20. -- year!?
    21. Have you put on deoderant less than once in the past month?
    22. -- less than twice?
    23. -- less than every week?
    24. -- less than every day?
    25. Do you eat your boogers?
    26. Do you hawk loogies?
    27. Do you blow 'snot-rockets'?
    28. Do you adjust yourself in public?
    29. Do you try to make farts really loud?
    30. Have you ever lit a fart in the intent to make a flame thrower?
    31. -- did it work?
    32. Do you piss all ove toilet seats in public places?
    33. -- at home?
    34. Do you not flush the toilet when you use it?
    35. Does your sink have crusty plates and dishes in it?
    36. -- are they older than a week old?
    37. Do you leave the floss in the sink when your done?
    38. Do you wipe your boogers on your clothes?
    39. Do you want to get married?
    40. Do you make rude and digusting noises in bed for your own enjoyment?
    41. Do you recite program listings in your sleep?
    42. Do you read literature while on the throne?
    43. Have you ever figured out the solution to a programming problem while in the shower?
    44. -- did it work?
    45. Do you know the ASCII code by heart?
    46. Can you convert more than 3 bases in your head?


    The more yes answers you give, the more Geek you are. If you got 0%, then you too can work for UCSC. >] Some of the personal hygiene questions have a little bit less to do with being a geek than the others.