A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said
the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my
belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance
company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a
flood?" he asked.
------------------------------
In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail"
and "Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning," modern
events have made for modern lies to take their place among
the classics. Following are some of the "new" classics:
- I never inhaled.
- I never watch television except PBS.
- Don't worry -- we'll be putting out the Y2K upgrade next
week.
- I did not have sex with that woman.
- I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of
my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.
- The engine is supposed to make that noise.
- Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it.
- I am married, but we're getting a divorce.
- Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge
is on "empty."
- Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.
- I've never done anything like this before.
- It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
- You get this one and I'll pay next time.
______________________________
A duck waddles into a bar. He jumps up on a barstool. The
bartender looks at him and says, "What can I get for you?"
"I want some grapes," said the duck. "I'm sorry we don't
have grapes," replied the bartender. The duck gets mad
and quacks up a storm as he leaves.
A couple of weeks later, the bar door gets kicked open and
the duck waddles in again. Bartender says what can I do for
you. Duck says "I want some grapes." He says that he
doesn't have any grapes. So, the duck gets mad and stomps
out again.
A few weeks later, the door gets kicked open again and the
same duck comes waddling in. Bartender says, "What do you
want?" Duck says, "I want some grapes!"
Bartender says,"Look I have now told you three times that
we don't have any grapes. If you come in here one more
time asking for grapes, I am going to NAIL your bill shut
to this bar table!" Duck starts quacking and stomps out.
A week later, the same duck comes in again and jumps up
on the bar stool. The bartender says, "What do you want?"
The duck says, "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says,
"No?" The duck replies, "Good, then I want some grapes!!!"
----------------------------
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
Mattea has all of his men accounted for except Olson and
Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down
an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can.
His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away
from behind.
Chief Mattea says, "What the hell is going on?"
Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give
him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
Olson says, "I did, Chief. That's how this shit got started."
------------------------------------------------------
A turtle is mugged by three snails.
When asked by police to describe what happened, he replies,
"I don't know, it all happened so fast."
These turtle jokes really make me laugh. Probably because
I'm a puerile, brainless, stiff, exhibiting latent homosexual
tendencies.
-------------------------------------------------------
Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a street
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in
th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK, Ummmmm . . . five?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he
called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest
warriors in his tribe.
The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins.
Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred
pelts, but, sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the evidence
of love and devotion the tribe had for this brave. At nearly
every mile marker there are signs saying:
KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
*****************************************************
This is a great dating nightmare story!
This was on the Leno show last night (9-7-99)
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
That a woman ever had. The winner told about her first date experience.
She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was a day
Trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and truly had never met before.
The date went OK until they were coming back that afternoon. They were going
Along in the car and she had to pee real bad, but it was still about an hour
More back to civilization. He said she should try to hold it, and she did
. . for a while. It finally came to the point where she told him that
He could either stop and let her pee beside the road, or in the front seat of
his car. They stopped and she went out beside the car and pulled her
Pants down and started. Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she let her
Butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. He was a real
Gentleman and looked the other way. When she was finished, she quickly noticed
That her warm butt had stuck to the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to
pump handle nightmares immediately came to mind and she soon realized
that she had a real problem. She was thinking of every way she could to get
Released from his fender. He was getting a bit concerned too, and finally
Cried out to her asking if she was OK. Well, with a red face, she said she was
freezing her butt off! She finally had to ask for assistance. Now
this isn't the worst of the story, there's more to come. She took off her
sweater and covered herself as good as she could and asked him to came
around to see if he could help. After the laughter subsided, they assessed the
situation. They had a real problem. They agreed that they needed something warm
To melt her butt off of the fender. Thinking about the pee that she just
sprinkled on the ground made her think that pee is about the only thing that
They had that could get her free. Well, after exploring every other possible
solution, she looked the other way, and so did he, and proceeded
Unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. The rest of the trip home
there wasn't much conversation. True story.
------------------------------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
Marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
You're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married." Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
Gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
Newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
Change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother
And have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us
just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck." Ricky, age 10
--------------------------------
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment
for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all
my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would
it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he
went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate
and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please
tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be
distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive
life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to
notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But
tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've
lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to
arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but
I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."Â That
evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she
could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing,
she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the
car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the
spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited
for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the
car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck
his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to
let the County bury her!"
------------------------------------------------------
-----Original Message-----
> \ \
> / / /\ In 1750, Sir Issac Newton
> / / .-`````-. / ^`-. became discouraged when he
> \ \ / \_/ {|} `o fell up a flight of stairs.
------------------------------------------------------
The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple.
Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the
seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial
inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to
THE MAN himself, Gilligan.
Run with me on this one...
Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can
make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty
cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his
own, called MacGuyver".)
For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have
worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's
glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a
nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that
the professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have
'done it' on the island.)
And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUSTincarnate? Sure,
the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what
being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I
know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.
What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour
cruise? Mr Howell gets my vote for GREED.
We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have
Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY,
SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.
Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from this equation by
connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years
on the island and everybody knows it.
This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no
shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit
Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much
consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty,
covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.
So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly
recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live
with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is
their captor? What keeps them trapped there?
Gilligan.
Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it!
.__________________________.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the
war is over?"
------------------------------------------------
He Equips the Called
Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and
walked down the aisle to greet her.Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert
Hall,the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked
"NO ADMITTANCE". When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the
mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was Missing.
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't Quit. Keep playing." Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obligato. Together, the old
master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative
experience. The audience was mesmerized.
That's the way it is with God. What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren't exactly graceful flowing music. But with the hand of the Master, our life's work truly can be beautiful. Next time you set out to accomplish great
feats, listen carefully. You can hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, "Don't
Quit. Keep playing". Feel His loving arms around you. Know that His strong hands are there helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.
Remember, God doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called. And He'll always be there to love and guide you on to great things.
-------------------------------------------------------
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond
comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast,he
started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had
three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to
marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so
you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion."Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice.but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer
again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the
third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,"She's perfect, just
perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he
was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can
imagine.He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could
happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that
you could hardly tell.....pregnant when you met her."
-------------------------------------
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