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Top Ten Reasons for the Media
Blitz
If Operating Systems were
Airlines
Star Trek Lost Episodes
Transcript
Microsoft Buys 1995
If Cars were Like Computers
Bill Gates in Afterlife
Microsoft Renames Windows95
Windows95 Will Have the Coolest
Users Ever
Top 15 Things People Think the
'95' in Windows95 Really Stands For
Microsoft Tech Saves the Day
Is Windows a Virus?
Microsoft CRAP
Undocumented Error Codes
Top Ten reasons for the
Media Blitz
Submitted by
Creative Element.
Unless you've been
living in a cave for the past few months, you've noticed the
$200,000,000 advertising budget that Microsoft has set aside for
the promotion of Windows95. Most of us are pretty annoyed by it,
but you may be asking yourself why Microsoft is spending so much
money. If IBM's failure with OS/2 isn't enough of a reason, take
a look at the top ten reasons:
10. Microsoft CEO, Bill
Gates discovered he was on "a mission from God."
9. Kevin Costner
talked Gates into it.
8. Gates saved up
the cash by letting his personal hygiene go.
7. They struck
oil in Redmond: black gold - Texas tea!
6. It's a way to
mask Bill's deep inner conflict and low self-esteem.
5. They've got
some extra pocket change since Bill's wife blocked 1-900 numbers
from their home.
4. It worked for
Ross Perot, didn't it?
3. Bill Gates
misinterpreted a recent fortune cookie, telling him to "Pay
more attention to matters of consequence" ('attention' was
covered with soy sauce).
2. Gates' image
consultant said he would be loved by children everywhere.
1. A
television-evangelist, the original recipient of the money, was
brought up on charges.
If Operating Systems were
Airlines
DOS AIR All the
passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push
it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into
the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
"Star Trek Lost
Episodes" Transcript
(Picard) "Mr.
LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?"
(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"
(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"
(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
(Picard) "Identify."
(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"
(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."
(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal."
(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Microsoft Buys 1995
News Flash: Windows 95
WILL be on TIME.
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1995.
"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 95 on time."
If Cars Were Like Computers
What if cars really
were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving
problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people
that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General
Motors helpline...
HelpLine: "General
Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I can
get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open
the passenger's side."
HelpLine: "How did
you try to open the passenger's side?"
Customer: "I
pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side."
HelpLine: "People
are always making that mistake. You have to push on the
passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle
toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way."
HelpLine: "General
Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "How do
I turn my windshield wipers on?"
HelpLine: "There's
a little button on the radio console . . ."
Customer: "Radio
console??"
HelpLine: "Yes,
it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central
position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on
it."
Customer: "And
that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what
that did."
HelpLine: "People
are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with
the principles of graphic design."
HelpLine: "General
Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car
will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing
happens."
HelpLine: "What
model do you have?"
Customer: "It's a
brand new 1994 Mongoose."
HelpLine: "Yes,
but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?"
Customer: "I don't
know. Let me find out and I'll call you back."
HelpLine:
"Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small
r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in
reverse."
HelpLine: "General
Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I just
called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse."
HelpLine: "Well,
yes, we get a lot of calls about that."
Customer: "It
turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the
'Reverse gear option'."
HelpLine: "Yes,
that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear."
Customer: "Why
don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first
place?"
HelpLine: "Well,
that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers,
and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more
complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power
drivers'."
Customer: "How
come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?"
HelpLine"
"Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just
for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to
get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead .
. ."
But really, we're leaving out an important part:
HelpLine: "General
Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car
just caught fire."
HelpLine: "I see.
And what model was it?"
Customer: "1994r
Mongoose."
HelpLine: "Big or
small . . ."
Customer: " . . .
small r."
HelpLine: "And
your registration number?"
Customer:
"426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam."
HelpLine: "And
where did you buy your car?"
Customer: "Fast
Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale."
HelpLine: "And
what was the name of the salesman?"
Customer: "I don't
remember."
HelpLine: "I see.
Are you sure you didn't steal this car?"
Customer: "Of
course I didn't steal it!"
HelpLine: "And
would you be interested in purchasing our extended service
contract?"
Bill Gates in Afterlife
Bill Gates died. He was
sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who
asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like
to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter
snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people
dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a
wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to
St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter
says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see
Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady
park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A
gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter
asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks
for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll
take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in
red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his
ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill
calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's
the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"
St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."
Microsoft Renames Windows95
REDMOND, WASHINGTON --
In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding Microsoft's
upcoming new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced today that it
would rename the upgrade -- formerly known as Windows 95 -- to
WinEver.
"There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product would ship. We felt it was in the best interest of our users to free them from this anxiety," said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. "WinEver will free Windows users from space and time constraints. It also gives Windows a new timeless quality", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why OS/2 is failing in the marketplace -- they have failed to deliver a strategy for their product."
When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "Whenever." The spokesperson added "It really doesn't matter since WinEver is destined to be the most powerful and popular operating system ever." Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "WinEver has already revolutionized the industry."
A spokesperson from IBM disagreed however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell a product that doesn't exist. IBM has been shipping a 32-bit operating system since 1992 that runs todays DOS, Windows and OS/2 applications in a stable 32-bit environment with an advanced user interface. WinEver -- or WhatEver it's called now -- still relies on DOS device drivers and is not a true 32-bit OS unlike OS/2." He added that "users who think that WinEver will have no compatibility problems will be in for a surprise."
Most users seem to remain unconvinced however. "WinEver will run everything and it won't have any bugs or compatibility problems because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy OS/2 which is less than perfect when WinEver is right around the corner?"
In a related story, IBM has reportedly been working on incorporating WinEver compatibility into a future version of OS/2. Microsoft was quick to express fear, uncertainty and doubt in regards to IBM's chances of success. "IBM is chasing a moving target and without the source code". Industry analysts and the media agreed adding that this is yet another example of "OS/2's failing strategy."
Windows95 Will Have the
Coolest Users Ever
REDMOND, WASHINGTON --
In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the
repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft
Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program
for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays
US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic
suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation
until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway." Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.
Top 15 Things People Think
the '95' in 'Windows95' Really Stands For
15. The 95 stands for
average CPH : Crash Per Hour.
14. Bill Gates' age
when it ships.
13. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.
12. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.
11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number of floppies it will ship in.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the EASY-INSTALL version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
1. The year it was due to ship.
Microsoft Tech Support
Saves the Day
There was a pilot
flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very
important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport
through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his
instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for
landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on
fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a
small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with
one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the
plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy
"Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker
replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the
window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a
perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run
out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a
virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows
is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well
supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their
program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to
become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a
virus.
It's a bug.
Microsoft CRAP
REDMOND, Wa -- November
8th, 1995 -- Microsoft announed today a new software package
called currently Computer Response Automation Program, or
C.R.A.P. This is a system for Win95 in which is automaticly
chooses what you do and do not want to do. After watching you use
your computer for one day it automaticly "learns" how
to do what you do. This includes pressing certain buttons in
dialog boxes, opening usual programs and entering in data.
Currently in its beta version, the users it is targetting for (Computer Idiots (All registered users of BOB)) have all had a similar reaction of liking the computer to make all of its decisions for them. "Its great to sit down and find out what my computer ordered me off of America On-Line!". Currently the only bug found in the system is that it will periodically sign you onto the Microsoft Network, and order random Microsoft products using your credit card. Microsoft commented by saying "We plan on making it a full feature by release time, which will be by 1996." Apple was asked for a comment on this new product and simply said "Hahahahaha". IBM refused to comment on the situation, fearing the press may bring up the OS/2 shenanigan. Most users of BOB and all users of Win95 will be eligable for this program, which will be supplied free of charge by Microsoft. It is bundled with a new version of Quicken, the popular money managment software, which is modified to work with C.R.A.P. The Justice Department will be investigating Microsoft on claims that the new Quicken allows Microsoft access to your bank accounts, Bill Gates commented on this with "Most users of [Win95] couldn't balance their checkbook if they tried, we are simply easing their life by controling their finances. Is that a crime?"
Microsoft stock jumped 253 points the same day that their beta versions of C.R.A.P. were installed on all NYSE computer terminals. Microsoft C.R.A.P. updates will soon be released free to all users on the Web or via free CDROM which installs itself. "It's like not having a computer, but having one. Truley amazing revolution in technology," A CNN analyst bought by Microsoft said, "It will revolutionize all of the revolutions in the revolutionary Win95 revolution in technology." Microsoft announced that C.R.A.P. will not be availible for the Macintosh system or WinNT because they are "too smart, we might get caught" said a contact inside Microsoft for the AP.
Undocumented Error Codes
The following is a list
of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got
overlooked when printing the documentation.
WinErr 001: Windows
loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error -
Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic
linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous
error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005:
Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious
error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System
price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken
window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible
bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional
literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate
disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog
error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window
closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open
- Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained
error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved
for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open
- Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window
closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected
error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard
locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018:
Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error
- Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating
system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are
terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal
error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will
get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty
error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System
crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing
error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved
for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error
recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error
- A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however,
requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the
virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not
found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the
left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error
buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors
may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will
end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out
error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to
complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815:
Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available