This is my Magnum Opus. As James Joyce often said to me, live every day as if it were a day. And he should know, and one day I hope to have an 'Insult James Joyce' section in my 'Excellence in 20th Century Literature' department. There will be such insults as:
But for now, back to the ould Magnus Opus:
or,
THE DUNGEON OF DOOM
Brad stood in the doorway, the sun glinting off his bronzed muscles. "Darling", he whispered, "I've returned for you!"
Gemma ran to his outstretched arms, and collapsed sobbing into his strong manly embrace. Brad lifted her into his arms and carried her gently to the bed.
"No, Brad, no." murmured Gemma as Brad caressed her brow lovingly. "It's too dangerous for you here. The Colonel knows about us and he will stop at nothing to keep us apart! He intends to marry me in the morning!"
Gemma felt Brad's muscles tighten in anger as he heard this, but when she looked into his deep blue eyes she saw nothing there but steely determination. "That swine will never have you!" whispered Brad fiercely. "I'll take you from his evil clutches and we shall never be apart again!"
Gemma kissed him passionately and held him close and said "then we must leave tonight darling, or all is lost!" Right on cue, the door burst open and in rushed Colonel Von Nasty and his vile-looking henchmen.
"So, Brad Goodstuff, ve meet again!" hissed Von Nasty in his evil German accent. Brad returned his gaze and found himself looking at the most feared man in all of Paris: Colonel Von Nasty! His monocle couldn't hide the scar that ran through his right eye and twisted his features into a parody of a human face, nor could his dark leather trenchcoat hide the limp which ensured he walked like the twisted demon he truly was; for in that hot endless summer of '42, no man was more twisted or demented than Colonel Adolf Von Nasty, Gestapo chief of Paris!
"You have returned just in time, Captain!" exclaimed Von Nasty in a voice that made Gemma's skin crawl. "Just in time to see me wed Miss Plenty!" "Never!" cried Gemma, her eyes aflame with indignation, "Never will I marry you! I hate you!" Von Nasty merely leaned over and struck Gemma across the face. In the small room the blow sounded like a gunshot. As the echoes died, Von Nasty, his face contorted with hideous passion grabbed Gemma by the shoulders and bringing her close enough to smell his foetid breath screamed "You vill be mine!"
Brad could take no more. Back home in Baltimore he'd had to deal with his share of street thugs and saloon bar riff-raff. He'd never backed away from a fight even if the odds were against him, and he wasn't about to back away now, by God! Moving with all the speed his terror and his passion and love for Gemma could give him, he unleashed a roundhouse which connected with the cowardly Von Nasty's jaw and sent him crashing to the floor. Next he grabbed a henchman, twisted and sent him spinning into the wall, and followed with a knockout punch which cracked the brute's jaw.
Brad was fast, young and strong, but there were simply too many to fight. As he grappled with two henchmen a third circled behind him and hit him with a coward's blow which sent him crumpling unconscious to the floor.
A splash of cold water brought him back to his senses. Groggily, he opened his eyes, trying to remember where he was. Suddenly, he remembered- Gemma, Von Nasty, the attack! His vision snapped into focus. What he saw brought back all his anger- Von Nasty leering wildly at him- though he noticed with satisfaction that his jaw was cracked and his monocle was cracked- he lunged desperately at his foe, but his limbs would not respond! "You see Captain," cackled Von Nasty, "I took the cowardly precaution of having you chained to the wall, where you could see your beloved Gemma marry me. Then I will kill you".
"Oh, Brad!" cried Gemma. Brad turned his head and found that Gemma was there in the dungeon with him, and that she too was chained to the same wall. The cads!
Quickly, and with a practiced eye, Brad surveyed his surroundings. Dark, dank and deep, these dungeons were of solid stone construction. Pretty standard dungeon stuff. There was only one door, of heavy oak, with iron bands to reinforce it. "Well", he thought to himself, "I've been in worse scrapes, and the worst thing a fellow can do at a time like this is to lose hope." Just then, he spied a movement in a far corner! It was Jed! Jed! His faithful sidekick and partner who I failed to mention a few paragraphs back. Jed gave Brad a quick thumbs-up sign and quickly ducked behind some handy crates as the cell door abruptly swung open. In swept a cleric of some sort, but on the robes there were no Crosses. There were instead swastikas: a priest of the church of Adolf Hitler!
"Heil Hitler!" said the priest, who was holding a copy of 'Mein Kampf' instead of a Bible. "Heil Hitler!" returned Von Nasty, snapping as much to attention as his deformed body would allow. "Now we shall begin ze vedding, ja?" said the priest indicating that Von Nasty should stand by Gemma.
"Do you take zis Fraulein in the name of the Fuhrer, to use her as you will and to raise her sons for the armies of the Fatherland?" asked the priest. "In the name of Adolf Hitler, I swear it", replied Von Nasty, just as faithful Jed rose from behind the crates, his pistol blazing righteous fury. In the blink of an eye both Von Nasty and the priest were on the ground swathed in blood. "Take that!" murmured Jed as he released Brad and Gemma who immediately fell into each other's arms, with Brad copping a quick feel while Jed checked the door. Out of the corner of his eye, Brad saw movement on the floor- Von Nasty was still alive! He dived for the gun he saw revealed in Von Nasty's hand. Too late! The gun fired! He snatched the gun from the fiend's hands and pumped a couple of rounds into Von Nasty, turning him quickly into a twitching mass of flesh on the dungeon floor. "Brad! Brad!" cried Gemma "Jed's hurt!"
Brad rushed to his friend's side. He had indeed been hurt. His bloodied hands clutched his ribs while Hollywood blood ran in a red trickle of death from the corner of his mouth. His hair was still OK though. "Brad, I'm through", he gasped through clenched teeth. "Nonsense, old man." replied Brad, but even as he spoke Jed breathed his last. "Goodbye, old chum" said Brad, and turning to Gemma found her going through Von Nasty's pockets having already relieved him of his watch. "Honey, this guy's loaded!" she chirped holding up a wad of American dollars. "There's no time for that now darling," chided Brad. "We've got to escape while there's still time."
Together, hearts pounding, they sneaked out of that man-made Hell to the street where Brad found a two-seat fighter that had been conveniently parked down the block. A quick check confirmed his suspicion- "They've left the keys in the ignition!" he guffawed.
Quickly, they clambered on board, and, engine roaring, made good their escape from Gestapo Headquarters and Occupied Paris. Just in the nick of time too; Gestapo guards had finally discovered them missing and now rushed out of their building shooting their machine pistols ineffectively into plate glass windows, parked automobiles and each other.
For Brad the channel crossing could not go fast enough- how he longed to hold his beloved Gemma in his arms! "I've saved her life," he mused to himself, "I bet she'll put out for me now!"
As they landed in an airfield somewhere in Southern England, a jeep pulled up. In it was a stunning blonde Major who scooped up Gemma in her arms and kissed her passionately, giving it plenty of tongue. Brad stood by, his bronzed muscles reflecting the sunlight onto his disbelieving face. "You mean to say that you're a lesbian? A dyke? A carpet muncher?"
"Oh, Brad, implored Gemma, "please don' be angry with me, I meant to tell you, and I do love you so!"
"But, but, but...." burbled Brad, his mind awhirl.
"But I love Major Party too, you see," continued Gemma.
"Gemma baby, where did you get this hunk?" purred Major Party, running a long scarlet fingernail down Brad's naked chest. Looking up into Brad's clear blue eyes, she grabbed his crotch and asked "How about a threesome, handsome?"
Brad smiled and slid into the backseat of the jeep. Together the threesome drove off to a life of wild sex and cascades of steamy passion in jacuzzis and saunas.
Needless to say, they all lived VERY happily ever after.
The End
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