Woody Allen
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
Emo Phillips
Rita Rudner
Mark Twain
Steven Wright
Television
Miscellaneous
Miscellaneous Quotes
-Robert A. Heinlein
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
-Jerry Seinfeld
I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt?... The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love.
-John McGovern
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes, too.
-Unknown
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
-Steven Wright
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
My fiancée told me the rule of thumb on how much to spend on an engagement ring was two months' salary. So I moved to Haiti for a couple months, made a buck eighty. Nice plywood ring - no knots. I sanded it myself.
-Barry Kennedy
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
-Dan Quayle
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
-Helen Castle
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-Samuel Goldwyn
It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.
-Dave Barry
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
-Calvin Coolidge
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
-Katharine Hepburn
I never apologize to anyone, Lisa. I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.
-Homer Simpson
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-Fred Allen
My girlfriend came up to me the other day and introduced me to one of her male friends, and at first I didn't mind, since I'm not the jealous type. I just wish she hadn't started calling him 'Sweetie' and living with him and having his kids and marrying him and stuff. It's really starting to make me wonder if she wants a future with me or not.
-Derek Maness