WhateverCon '97

Venue: Sunderland, Massachusetts; New York City (briefly); Cambridge, Massachusetts; several other places in between
Dates: December 30, 1996 - January 7, 1997
Attendees: Jacob W. Michaels, Sarah Harrison, Mike Zimbouski, Jameson Yu (de Designer), Charles Schneeflock, Vorpal Bunny(TM) (Hosun Lee)
Sort-of-Attendees: Elayne and Steve Weschler-Chaput, Jacob's housemates

Monday: Sarah arrives at Logan Airport in Boston to meet up with Jacob, the host. After waiting for a while, they page each other, and finally meet up. They drive a long way to Sunderland. They walk in the door and are met by Jacob's housemate Bob. Bob then tells them some guy had come by a while ago, and had just called again, but Bob thought Jacob was still in New Hampshire. They track Mike to a nearby pizza place, saving Jacob from certain doom. Later on they buy groceries and liquor. By then Jacob has enough booze to stock a pub. Later still they watch Clerks and some strange movie on HBO about an unattractive woman who cheats on her unattractive husband with an unattractive exotic dancer.

Tuesday: Jacob goes to pick up Jameson. It takes him a long time because there is some confusion about whether Jameson is arriving by train or bus. Meanwhile, Sarah and Mike watch cartoons, including the most frightening episode of Scooby Doo ever made. That night, they make themselves drinks, break the toilet, and watch Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back, interrupting themselves to watch a building get blown up and drink champagne at midnight. Then they make a few long-distance phone calls, only one of which successfully reaches the intended, Joe Helfrich and Stacey Capps. Everyone gets into an argument with Sarah over whether or not Sir Alec Guinness is dead.

Wednesday: Everyone sleeps late. Sarah forces the boys to watch the Rose Bowl Parade. Unfortunately, they watch it on the Home and Garden Network, and the announcers spend most of their time arguing over how to pronounce "toucan." That afternoon, Charles shows up and they watch Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. When the movie is over, Bunny shows up 5 hours late. He explains that he had to stop for yogurt. Bunny gives Sarah some Sailor Moon toys, Sarah gives him some dermal gloves, and Bunny gives Charles a Golden Power Staff. They go eat at the Ground Round and then go bowling. Everyone gives Charles a lot of space when his turn comes up. During the drive, Jacob uses his evil powers to change the traffic lights yellow, then red when Bunny drives through. When they return, they play the Trivial Pursuit Game That Would Never End.

Thursday: Jacob makes excellent French Toast for breakfast. Everyone goes shopping at the mall. Bunny buys toy walkie-talkies to have in each vehicle so everyone can communicate (sorta). Jacob turns two more lights yellow. Then they go to comics shops and a comics museum, except for Mike, who goes to several music stores. They return to the house for a spaghetti dinner. Bunny goes out later to buy CBs for the cars to use on the trip to NYC.

Friday: The big NYC trip! They don't leave until noon or so. One of the stops along the way is at a rest stop. Sarah and Bunny get their trash out of Bunny's truck and begin to look for a trash can. They can't find one. Suddenly a man in orange appears in front of them, yelling, "There is a trash can in the men's and a trash can in the women's!" They thank him and throw the trash away. Back outside, the Orange Man begins yelling at them again, warning that littering earns a $250 fine, the police are always watching, and if they're not caught instantaneously, the police will catch them on the way out of the rest stop. He then leaves them to harrass some truckers. Mike drops a Cheese Nip accidentally, but they make him throw it away to avoid life imprisonment. The next stop is in New York, at a diner that has fillet mignon and lobster on the menu. Most opt for burgers. Bunny gets disco fries. Finally they reach New York City in the midst of rush hour. After finding a parking lot, they go in search of the fabled Loft of Elayne, stopping at a few stores along the way. When they get there, the fabulous Elayne ushers them straight to the loft, where they recover from the drive. While resting, Sarah, Bunny, and Jacob play "Find the Stupidest Line in Uncanny X-Men #342." Everyone talks comics, comic writers, and the wonders of Usenet. Then they eat Chinese food. Bunny calls a New Jersey friend to see if they can stay at his house for the night, but he stops amidst protests from the others, who want to escape the glamour of NYC altogether. Before they leave, Elayne hugs her Bunny. They bid farewell to Jameson, and take the fastest route home possible.

Saturday: Everyone sleeps in to recover from the day before, some need more sleep than others. Bunny starts wrestling Sarah for her Sailor Moon toys and makes Charles take pictures. Around lunchtime they decide to go to the mall to eat and play Laser Storm. That may not have been the best of ideas since everyone was full after lunch, but... Bunny and Sarah want to shoot each other in the head, but everyone is put on the same team versus some strangers. When they start the first session, Bunny and Sarah immediately attack each other, then Mike starts attacking Sarah as well. Only Jacob and Charles shoot at the other team. Sarah shoots Bunny six times and Mike three times, but neither of them hit her. Being jealous of her impeccable aim, they insist her helmet is broken. Sarah acknowledges something is wrong when she can't shoot Bunny anymore. During the break between ten-minute sessions, a player from the other team dutifully informs them that Laser Storm is more effective when players shoot players from the other team, and in fact was not designed for players to shoot team members. The next session starts, and they get creamed worse than before, which is sad since they start playing against the other team this time. Exhausted and defeated, the warriors return home to order pizza and watch Return of the Jedi. Sarah sits on the couch with a glass of Bailey's. Bunny piles pillows on her and lies down. Jacob tries to smother Bunny with a pillow, knocking Sarah's Bailey's all over her. Sarah's clothes sit in a bucket for the rest of the con. After all that excitement, Jacob falls asleep and Bunny throws the Golden Power Staff in his lap.

Sunday: Everyone sleeps in yet again. Unfortunately, they sleep too long to allow enough time for Charles to wear Sarah's dress before his dad takes him away. They mainly watch tv that day. That night, Sarah wears her dress (and heels), the guys take her to a nice Italian restaurant with fabulous food, and Bunny pays for her delicious chicken parmesan (and half of the nachos). After the dinner they return home to recover. They play another game of Trivial Pursuit, and then go out to an all-night diner for dessert. Bunny pays for Sarah's strawberry shortcake. (editor's note: No, Sarah did not force Bunny to buy all her meals. He owed her dinner and dessert. And it was reeeeally good food, too.)

Monday: For once, everyone gets up semi-early (for them) and head on out towards Boston. They never make it to Boston, though they get as far as Cambridge. Mike takes them on the grand tour of book and music stores. Sarah embarrasses everyone at a cafe, and gets dragged out of there. They find an orange jacket lying on the ground; obviously someone got to the Orange Man before they could exact their revenge. After dinner Sarah finds a British import shop for Bunny. They head on home, stopping for pizza and videos beforehand. They watch an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Casablanca. Bunny nearly finishes off a whole bottle of booze before falling asleep.

Tuesday: Everyone that's left goes home. Jacob's life returns to normal.

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