CONFUSION

    ~ ~ A POEM WITHIN A POEM


Hurting
Wondering
What do I do?
Do I continue on the way I have
Hurting
Wanting
Needing

Not knowing how to end this endless pain


I cry and the agony pours from my innards
To no relief
I talk and the words go round and round
Into the void of space
Falling on deaf ears and closed minds

My own included


I see myself
Reacting to things inappropriately
And am helpless to stop myself
Do I have some need to keep the pain?
I do not know

Yet I know all


I search for the answers
But they elude me
Receding into the inner depths of my psyche
Why do they hide from me?
What purpose does it serve for me to continue

On this path of pain and hurt


If inside I know the answers to my suffering
Then why do I erase them from my consciousness
Or choose to ignore them?
What purpose could this serve?
To continue to let my problems fester and erode my self-esteem
Would appear to be a foolish thing to do
And yet

I seem helpless to stop the destruction of my life


I am needy
But what is it I really need?
Responsibility - which I avoid
Competency - which I bungle
Respect - which I keep negating
Friendship - which I keep at arms distance
Safety - which I keep destroying
Love - which I keep rejecting
What a foolish person I am

Constantly pushing my happiness away


My husband tries to reach out to me
But I reject him while a part of me cries,
Hold me - Don’t let me go
But, confused by my actions,
He turns away, angry and hurt
Inside, I don’t blame him for his reactions

Outside, I often retaliate with anger


I sit and cry
Feeling crazy
Feeling needy
Feeling sorry
Feeling confused

Knowing I am my own worst enemy


Instead of controlling my eating
I compulsively stuff myself
A reflection of the sickness within me
The food can no longer deaden my pain
It now just adds to it
Crying out to all

See my pain


All the behavior modification
All the therapy
All the soul searching
Has been to no avail

This destructive behavior seems beyond my control



© January 1997 ISM




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