My Father
Man of security
Ever faithful
Tirelessly working to take care of his family.
Why did we have to be so distant?
Why couldn't we know each other better?
Is it fair that life's duties should come before the pleasures of family?
No, but I am brainwashed to believe that I must accept the facts of life.
I did not know you well...
You worked so long and so hard,
Spending endless hours in the store.
My irregular visits and your brief time at home
Could not afford us enough time for us to learn who we each were,
What moments we had were precious to both of us...
Sunday dinners at Lundy's, Carolina's, or a Chinese Restaurant...
Summer Sundays spent at Coney Island, The Botanical Gardens, and the Zoo...
Holiday dinners at home or Bubbie's or Uncle Onney and Sydelle's...
Times we treasured for the laughter and the opportunity to be together.
All too infrequent and too brief.
They served as chances to show our love for each other.
You loved me as though I was the fruit of your own loins,
This girl-child of someone else's desires.
I did not know, but knew.
You did not tell,
And paid the price.
Your/ Our world, instead of getting larger,
Got increasingly smaller.
The secret of your children's adoption
Creating a great rift between our family of four and extended family,
Tearing us from the comfort, love, and support we should have had,
And isolating us behind a wall of fear.
The secret began so love would have a chance to bloom.
No harm was meant by its creation,
Told, we all could have gained so much.
Kept deep inside,
We lost the reassurance of true love that could have been shared.
Oh, the foolishness of it all!
How I wish it could all be done over!
To make our lives full of laughter
To erase the tears and anger
And replace them with memories filled with happiness!
And now, with your death, I have lost again.
First my birth parents – then Mom – now you.
A wrenching apart of all I knew
Leaving me floundering amidst the many questions in my mind.
Leaving me alone with a past and future mystery unsolved.
I would like to say let the past be in the past.
We go on in our own fashion.
But I cannot.
I must explore the depths of this enigma
In order to stop the agonizing thoughts going around and around in my head.
Where will this exploration lead to?
Will I find a simple answer to why you and Mom held the secret so tight?
Will I find a complicated story of intrigue and deception?
Or will I be unable to find anything at all
Everything shrouded forever in the morass of time and secrecy
Oh, Father...Mother...
I love you both so much.
I always will
No matter what time brings.
The love and memories...both good and bad
Tie us together in a bond that can never be broken
I am yours...and always have been.
6/8/97 ~~ ISM
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