Astrology

by the

Swami

And no constellation is going to help you predict the future. But I can. Combining hundreds of different astrological techniques with my own paranormal powers, I can easily predict your future. All you have to do is find your birth sign.

Aries. Taurus. Gemini. Cancer. Leo. Virgo. Libra.

Scorpio. Sagittarius. Capricorn. Aquarius. Pisces.

Aries (March 21-April 19) A setback at school or in business is actually not your fault, but your best friend's fault. This "friend" has been back-stabbing you for years. It's about time you make him or her pay, isn't it? Focus on travel this weekend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your sense of financial security will improve once you acquire a large some of money. However, be frugal with your spending. The police will have an easy time tracking the money if you impulse shop.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) A current romantic interest, if pursued, will spawn a surprising result. As it turns out, your special someone is actually underage...by two years. This weekend highlights cultural events.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Jupiter in your sign denotes an extreme change in the attitudes of those around you. For reasons unknown to you, everyone else is offended at behavior you consider normal. Try to shrug it off, and continue at all costs.

Leo (July 23-August 22) Your mate will suggest a different way of bonding this week. Go along with what they have in mind and keep your criticism to yourself. However, be sure to leave no photographic evidence, as it may turn up unexpectedly.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Throw caution into the wind when making decisions at work. The change of pace will get your boss' attention, and your co-workers will be shocked. Just remember, you can always get another job.

Libra (September 23-October 23) An ongoing disagreement with an enemy will finally be resolved. Focus on nature this weekend. It'll give you the opportunity to dump some excess baggage you will be lugging around.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) Don't rely on mental faculties when questioned about your decision-making this week. Instead, place the blame on experiences from your childhood. The wisest course of action involves high-priced lawyers.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) You will be empowered with determination this week. Urges to cleanse the world of filth will peak, and many will join your crusade. Pisces is featured strongly.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You will have to break surprising news to relatives this week. However, it will be easier if you supply plenty of visual aides. Once understood, your parents will admit to liking the new you, as opposed to the old.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) As usual, nothing of importance happens. It is recommend that you at least try to leave you home once. A romantic encounter may not occur if you are still wearing the same clothes as last week.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Your need to belong will be fulfilled as an outspoken Sagittarius enters your life. Follow the person and do whatever is asked of you. In the end, you will realize that you were right all along.

*Chili con Cuitla would like to warn you that the Swami is not a certified psychic astrologer. However, he often goes into trances, if that matters any.*

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