Secrets

     The flashbacks are coming back. Love can feel it. They're horrible.Memories of him, memories of what he did. It happened so long ago, but Love remembers as if it was yesterday. The hurt, the fear, the dirtiness Love could not scrub off her body. She remembers the pain. The disrespect. Then the world returns. The flashback is over.

     Love crawls out of bed, squinting as the light hits her eyes. She walks down the stairs and is greeted by the smell of coffee. She sees that her mother has already left for work. There is a note on the refrigerator door. Love walks over and reads it.

     Love drinks her coffee, gets dressed, and goes outside to wait for the school bus. She doesn't have a car yet, and lives ten miles from school. She has no friends to pick her up. No one likes Love as more than what she calls a "hello, goodbye" friend: someone you would greet in the hall, but would not make plans to see outside of school. Love is a loner, she spends her days at school doing the necessary schoolwork, writing poetry, and reading.

      Once at school, Love heads for her homeroom class. The tardy bell has already rung, but the teachers don't bother to scold her. She is a good student and is well liked by the faculty. Love sits down at a desk in the corner of the classroom, hoping she won't be noticed. The other students are talking and laughing. Love ignores the noise and gets out her poetry journal.

      That day at lunch Love notices a girl sitting alone, like herself. Excited at the prospect of a friend, Love walks over to the girl with lunch tray in hand.

      "Hi, you must be new here. I'm Love Harmon."

      "Love?"

      "Yeah, my parents are old hippies. I'm just lucky they didn't name me Rainbow!" Love says, a smile forming on her face.

      "My name is Serene Watson," the girl says grimly.

      "You look like maybe you're not having a very good day. What's wrong?"

      "Nothing really, I guess. Wanna sit down and eat your lunch?"

      "Sure," Love says, seating herself opposite Serene.

      That evening at home Love's mother asks how her day was.

      "Okay, I guess. I made a friend."

      Love tells her mother about Serene. Love's mother suggests Love invite her new friend over for dinner some night.

      "Good idea."

      A few days later when Love gets on her school bus she sees Serene sitting by herself in the back.

      "Hi! I didn't realize we live near each other!" Love enthuses.

      "Yeah, I live about a block away from heer."

      "How about you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Your parents won't have to take you, you can walk."

      "Well, okay, I guess. Maybe I will. We don't really know each other too well though."

      "Then I guess we have all day to get to know each other," Love responds with a smile.

      At lunch that day Love saves Serene a seat. When Serene sits down, she looks uncomfortable and upset.

      "What's wrong?" asks Love.

      "Nothing, really."

      "Oh, well, okay."

      The rest of the lunch period they spend eating silently, until Love stands up and picks up her lunch tray.

      "Are you finished eating?"

      Serene nods. The two girls throw away their trays.

      "Time for class. I have Biology, what do you have?" Love asks.

      "Home Ec."

      "Well, then, we're headed different directions."

      The friends part company.

      That afternoon Love notices that Serene is in her Calculus class. At the end of the hour, Love catches Serene as she's making her way out the door.

      "Serene! Wait up!"

      Serene turns and waits for Love to reach her.

      "Are you going to come to my house for dinner tonight?" Love asks.

      "I guess. If you still want me to. Do you need my phone number?"

      "Yeah, here," Love fumbles around trying to find a pencil. "Okay. What is it?"

      Serene tells Love her phone number.

      "Got it. And here's my number," Love says, handing Serene a scrap of paper. "I'll call you, okay?"

      "Okay."

      After school Love calls Serene and arranges for her to come over for dinner later that evening.

      At exactly six, the doorbell at Love's house rings.

      "I'll get it!" Love yells, opening the door.

      "Hi, how're you doing? Hope you like spaghetti!" Love greets Serene.

      "I'm doing okay. And I love spaghetti!" Serene replies.

      "Good, 'cause that's what we're having for dinner."

      "Love! Is your friend here?" a voice calls from another room.

      "Yes Mom. She's here."

      Love escorts Serene to the kitchen.

      "Mom, this is Serene. Serene, this is Mom," Love introduces.

      "You can call me Janice. It's great to meet you. Love doesn't bring many friends home anymore," Love's mother says as she puts the spaghetti on the dining room table.

      "Mom!" Love looks uncomfortable.

      "Anyway, I'm glad you're here. Go ahead and sit down. Dinner's ready," Mrs. Harmon says.

      After dinner, Love and Serene go to Love's bedroom. As soon as they close the door Serene asks a question.

      "Can your mom hear what's said in here?"

      "No, why?"

      "Um....no reason....just wondering."

      They are quiet for a moment.

      Serene breaks the silence.

      "Have you ever been depressed?" she asks.

      "Um....yeah. Why?" Love responds.

      "Just wondering."

      Another moment of silence.

      "If you don't mind me asking, why were you depressed?" she asks.

      "Because some stuff happened....when I was young....I don't want to talk about it."

      Serene looks over at her newfound friend and sees a lonely tear trickle down Love's cheek.

      "Um.....I'm here for you if you want to talk about it.....I haven't had a very happy life either," Serene confides.

      "Thanks," Love replies, wiping her cheek.

      The moment is over. Serene looks at her watch.

      "Uh, oh. I was supposed to be home a few minutes ago. Do you think your mom can drive me? It's getting really late...."

      "Sure, my mom could drive you, but you're only five minutes late. Don't worry about it. Your parents won't mind," Love consoles her.

      "You don't know my dad.....I better hurry."

      "Well, okay. Are you all right?" Love asks, noticing Serene's flushed cheeks and the worried look on her face.

      "I'm fine....thanks for inviting me over," Serene says briskly.

      "No problem."

      In bed that night, staring at her ceiling, Love wonders why Serene was so upset about being late. She thinks about whether she ought to tell Serene about the rape. Unable to make a decision, Love slips into a light sleep.

      The next morning Love quickly gets ready for school and gets on the school bus. She sees Serene, but is surprised to observe a big bluish purple bruise on Serene's left cheek.

      "What happened?" Love asks as soon as she sits down.

      "Nothing." Serene looks depressed.

      "Well, okay. But I'm worried," says Love, dying of curiosity.

      They spend the rest of the bus ride in silence.

      Later, at lunch, Serene and Love sit together.

      "So, how'd you get the bruise? Are you going to tell me?" Love questions.

      "I.....um....I sort of.....well, walked into a door," answers Serene.

      "Well, okay," Love says uncertainly.

      "It was stupid, I know,"

      "Yeah, I've done stuff like that before," Love says quickly, then changes the subject. "Do you think maybe I could spend the night at your house this weekend? I'd offer for you to stay over at my house, but my mom's going out of town for the weekend, and she doesn't want me having anyone over."

      "At my house? Well, I don't know.....It's just.....well.....I don't know. It's just, well........my dad is nothing like your mom. Um.......I guess I could ask him....." Serene responds.

      "Great! Give me a call tonight and lat me know what he says, okay?"

      "Um, okay."

      The two girls pick up their trays and throw then away. They exchange goodbyes and head to their classes.

      That evening the phone at Love's house rings. She rushes to answer it.

      "Hello?"

      "It's me. Serene."

      "Hi! So what'd your dad say?"

      "Um, he said okay. But I should tell you, he's not like your mom at all. He's not very comfortable around strangers. In fact, he's not too comfortable around anyone."

      "That's okay.......so are we gonna have the sleepover tomorrow night? It's a Friday."

      "Tomorrow sounds good," says Serene.

      "Then I'd better go pack. See you tomorrow!"

      "Okay, see you."

      The next day the two friends rush through school, anxious for the end of the day to come. As soon as the school bell rings, Love and Serene meet and make their way to where Serene's father's car is waiting. In the driver's seat is a big burly man who looks to be in his late forties. His face is sullen and he has wrinkle lines on his forehead which appear to be from frowning. He is dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt, and his brown curly hair is unkept.

      "Um, Love,. this is my father," Serene introduces, her feet shifting nervously.

      "Hello, Mr.Watson. Nice to meet you," Love greets him, as she and Serene climb into the back of the car.

      "Hi," Mr. Watson growls as he pulls the car away from the curb.

      The three sit in an uncomfortable silence for the rest of the car ride.

      "We're here," says Serene, sounding thankful as the car comes to a stop in front of a one-story house. It's surprisingly small, although with it's fresh paint and recently mowed grass, it looks well cared for. Love and Serene get out of the car and wait patiently while Mr. Watson unlocks and opens the front door. The girls step inside.

      "Dad, we're going to my room, okay?" Serene says.

      "All right," Mr. Watson says gruffly.

      Love follows as Serene leads her down the hall to her bedroom. Once the two friends get inside the room, Serene shuts the door.

      "Finally," she says, relieved. "That was torture!"

      "It was a bit tense, wasn't it?" agrees Love.

      "It's not that he doesn't like you, it's just, well, ever since my mother died, he's been this way around everyone. He doesn't talk very often, and when he does he never says anything nice. He doesn't laugh. Doesn't smile. Sorry, I guess I should've warned you....."

      "No, that's okay. You tried, I just didn't know what you meant. No problem, don't worry about it."

      "Well, what do you wanna do?" asks Serene.

      "How 'bout we just talk?" Love suggests.

      "Sounds good."

      They sit down on the floor together. They talk for awhile, and Serene brings up an interesting question.

      "What is your deepest darkest secret?" she asks. "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

      "You first."

      "No, you."

      "Well, okay.......But you have to promise not to tell anyone," Love says.

      "I won't tell anyone. I promise."

      "Okay....here goes.....I got raped two years ago, when I was fourteen years old," Love whispers nervously.

      The two friends sit in silence.

      "Who did it?" Serene says loudly, obviously angry.

      "Shhhh.....my neighbor's grandson......it was before I moved....."

      "Well, have you told anyone?"

      "I told my mom, but she didn't believe me."

      "That's horrible. Now my secret sounds stupid."

      "No, tell me. I want to know."

      "Well, um, here, just look," Serene says as she turns around and lifts her shirt. Love gasps when she sses the bruises on her friend's back.

      "Who did this to you?" Love asks.

      "I can't tell you," Serene replies.

      "Serene, you're my best friend. You can tell me anything," Love says.

      "I'm your best friend? Wow." As she says this, Serene starts to cry. "My father did it. It's not his fault though. You have to understand that. It's my fault. I'm always doing stupid things like not doing the dishes or...." Serene puts her head in her hands. "It's all my fault."

      Love reaches over to her friend and gives her a hug.

      "It's okay, it's okay. I'm here," she says softly.

      "I don't know why he does it.....ever since Mom died.....He doesn't mean to hurt me. He always apologizes later," Serene sobs.

      "It's getting late.......we probably ought to go to sleep," Love tells Serene, who nods in response.

      The friends get an air mattress out from under Serene's bed, blow it up, and place it next to the bed. Serene gets some blankets out of her closet and hands them to Love. She waits for Love is settled in on her air mattress, then switches out the light. She walks over to her bed and crawls in underneath the comforter.

      Monday morning Serene isn't riding the school bus. Love sits alone, staring out the window. When the teacher takes role in homeroom class, she asks Love if she knows where Serene is.

      "I have no idea," Love tells her.

      "Well, the next time you talk to her, please tell her I hope she's okay," the teacher replies.

      "Yes, ma'am."

      Serene does not show up at school. By the end of the day Love is worried. She decides to go to Serene's house after school to make sure she's okay. Love calls her mom to get permission then waits impatiently for school to be dismissed.

      As soon as the bell rings Love rushes out the classroom and gets on her school bus. She gets off when the bus reaches Serene's stop and walks up the path to the porch. She rings the door bell. No answer. Love waits about five minutes and rings once more. Still no answer.

      Hmmm. Love thinks for a moment. She walks across to the other side of the porch and looks in the window to the kitchen. The television and lights are on. She goes back to the door and knocks loudly.

      "Hello! Is anyone home?"

      Finally Serene opens the door. Both her eyes are black and blue. Her bottom lip is swollen. Love sees bruises all over Serene's arms and legs.

      "Come on in," Serene says grimly.

      "Are you okay? What happened? Was it your father? Did he do this to you?" A storm of questions come out of Love's mouth. Serene just stares at her. Finally she speaks.

      "I'm all right," she whispers."Yes, he did it to me. He's gone now. Went to work. I'm okay. It was all my fault.....I left the phone off the hook......and he got so mad.....he yelled at me and hit me.....then he left for work......I don't know what to do......"

      Love reaches over and hugs her friend.

      "It's okay, I'm here. I don't know how I can help though," Love says.

      "I just don't see any point in living, he hurts me all the time.......I can't deal with it. I want to die."

      "I know exactly how you feel. Ever since the rape I've been horribly depressed. I've thought about suicide but I have no courage. And I don't want to die alone," Love confides.

      "I don't want to die alone either, I want to die with a good friend. We would be together forever."

      The two girls stare at each other for a minute.

      "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Love asks.

      "I think so," Serene answers.

      "How should we....." Love's voice trails off.

      "Um, not with pills......and not jumping off anything, I'm afraid of heights....What other ways are there?"

      "Well," Love answers. "How about.....hmmm......what about....hanging? No, never mind, I don't want to be choked to death......and we don't have a gun.....I've heard of people slitting their wrists......how about that?"

      "I have an idea....."

      "What?"

      "How about we become blood sisters before we die?" Serene suggests. "We could slit our wrists and rub them together.....we could be blood sisters forever."

      "That sounds good."

      "Do you want to do it now?" Serene asks.

      "If you want."

      The two girls walk into the kitchen. Serene opens a drawer and pulls out a sharp butcher knife.

      "Where should we do it? When will your fatehr come home?" Love questions.

      "We could do it in my bedroom. Dad won't be home for another hour or so. Oh, I just thought of something. What about a note? Do we want to leave one?"

      "Sure......do you want to write it? I will if you want."

      "You can do it," Serene says.

      Love sits down at the kitchen table and Serene hands her some tape, a piece of paper, and a pencil. She begins to write a poem.

      Love stands up and tapes the note to the outside of Serene's bedroom door. The two girls go into the room with the knife still in Serene's hand.

      "Ready?" Love asks.

      "Ready," Serene replies.

      Love closes the door.

      "I don't know if I can do this," Mrs.Harmon says, getting her bearings before walking onstage.

      The stage announcer introduces her. She takes one final look at herself in the mirror and walks onstage to the microphone.

      "Hi, I'm Janice Harmon. It's great to see so many people here at such a sad but important event. I was asked to speak here today at this Teen Suicide Awareness Rally because eight years ago my daughter, Love Harmon, committed suicide with her best friend, Serene Watson. Both were only sixteen years old.

      "I feel very guilty about my daughter's suicide. Once, when she was fourteen, she came to me and told me that a boy had raped her. I was so terribly afraid that it might be true, so scared that she might not be my innocent little girl anymore, that I couldn't believe her. I turned my back on her when she needed me most. It was the worst thing I could of done.

      "I don't think I will ever forgive myself for not believing, and for not realizing how depressed she was. I didn't see the warning signs; I wouldn't let myself see them. If I had, maybe my daughter would be here today.

      "Her birthday was last week. She would have been twenty-four years old, a grown woman. I never got to see her grow up.

      "Please, don't let this happen to your children. It's the worst thing in the world for a parent to go through. Pay attention to your teenager, watch for warning signs, and let them know you care. Every day give your child a hug and tell them how much you love them. You never know what might happen. There could be a car wreck, a plane crash, an illness......." Janice Harmon trails off, her voice turning into a whisper. A tear trickles down her cheek. "You may never see your child again."

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