Contraceptive Innovations

The World Population Problem: An Illogical Overview


We Live in a world where people spend most of their time shagging like rabbits. Indeed a respected statistical master mind estimates that all the the semen being ejaculated right at this very instant could fill all the worlds major shipping ports. But in my opinion this guy is full of shit and probably takes it up the arse from his dad. It fact the first two sentences are absolute crap I'M NOT GETTING ANY DAMMIT. But despite my lack of 'Hot Monkey Loving'(a phrase commonly used by those who aren't getting any 'Hot Monkey Loving') babies, the end result of such an act, are popping out faster than my grandfather's glass eyeball in a mosh pit(okay I don't have a grandfather with a glass eyeball but tis a good analogy me thinks). Anyway the point is....umm actually there no point to this, WHY THE AM I WRITING THIS? I COULD OF BEEN A SOMEONE, I COULD BEEN A CONTENDER...*ahem* I'm sorry occasionally I think I'm in a Marlon Brando movie, in fact last week I almost drown trying to be the Island of Doctor Moreau. But moving on, the stuff below is vaguely related to this long winded intro.

Accurately Labeled Condoms


For many years condoms companies have made the mistake of labeling their average sized condoms as regulars. This of course directly contradicts the male impulse to over-estimate the size of their 'fishing tackle' leading to men buying rubbers that could easily double as an outdoor cabana, therefore making them completely useless as contraceptive devices. However an emerging company has solved this problem with accurately labeled condoms leading men to buy the regular option when required.

For those with delusions of grandure


...and major inferiority complexs.

In-built Contraceptives


With the many advances in contraceptive technology it has been found the more convenient the device the better. Therefore messy ill-fitting condoms, expensive operations and unreliable drugs have lost popularity. So the next great step in contraceptive technology is the contraceptive persona as demonstrated below:

Fat Ugly Greasy Sexist Bastard Man takes the Cosmo Magazine 'How GOOD is your man quiz'


Question: How long does it take a women to come to orgasm?
F.U.G.S.B.M: I haven't known a women that long.
Q: What is your reaction when your partner refuses to have sex with you?
A)Acceptance
B)Frustration
C)Other(If so what?)
F.U.G.S.B.M: Other. I stick a beer between her legs and tell her to keep it cold for me.
Q: Name your partners favourite purfume.
F.U.G.S.B.M:Probably Eau de Toilette because she always smells like shit. Toilette is french for dunny isn't it?
The Contraceptive persona has an almost 100% success rate with only one birth in every million users. Remember a total charisma and charm bypass requires no surgery whatsoever.

Last Resorts


"I am good catholic," I hear you say "and I'm just to damn attractive for
people to not want to root me." Well perhaps you should consider having a
baby.
Remember, babies are cute, they can save a failing marriage and make great
conversation pieces. They practically take care of themselves.
Well if you believe that crap there is one final option for you.

"A meat mallet?!" you say. No, I prefer to call it a testicle tenderiser.
Nothing will kill a intimate moment more than about 5 minutes worth of
beating the fuck out of your genitals. With a bit of practice it works on ovaries too.




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