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1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
8. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this B.S. before.
12. A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."
16. I went to a seafood disco rave last week....and pulled a mussel.
17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
18. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "I'm um...well... I have five penises" replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
* Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
* Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
* Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
* Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
* Anglican - They were our toys first.
* Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
* Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
* Atheism - There is no toy maker. * Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
* Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
* Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
* Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
* Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
* Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
* Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
* Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
* Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
* Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
* 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
* Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
* Baptist - Once played always played.
* Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
* Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
* Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
* Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
* Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.
"The Boss"
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss. The
brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I
should be boss."
The feet said, "Since I carry the body around to where it wants to go,
and get into position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss."
The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep
the rest of you young, I should be boss."
And so it went with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes. And finally the
asshole spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts
just laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.
The asshole was so angered that it blocked itself off and refused to
function. Soon the brain was feverish; the eyes crossed and ached; the
feet were too weak to walk; the hands hung limp at the sides; the heart
and lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And so
it happened. All the other parts did all the work, and the asshole just
bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole.
An Anagram, you will recall, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples
are fascinating!
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost In 'Em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms == No More Z's, alas.
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art
Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
==
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
Politicians:
George Bush == He bugs Gore
Ronald Reagan == A darn long era
Spiro Agnew == Grow A Spine
George Herbert Walker Bush
== Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
Leroy Newton Gingrich
== Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher
== That great charmer
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man,
one giant leap for mankind."
-- Neil A. Armstrong
==
A thin man ran, makes a large stride,
left planet, pins flag on moon -- on to Mars!
Betcha Didn't Know!
Moslem countries banned the "I Love Lucy" TV show because Lucy dominated
Ricky.
Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on "Scooby-Doo."
PLO leader Yasir Arafat admits he is addicted to watching television
cartoons such as Looney Toons.
The turkey was wrongly named after what was thought to be it's country
of origin.
Earth is the only planet not named after a God.
Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
Brazil got it's name from the nut, not the other way around.
The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar
cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat shit).
Walt Disney named Mickey Mouse after Mickey Rooney, whose mother he
dated for sometime.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King
James Version of the bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word
from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is
spear.
--------------- #2 ---------------
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits.
Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially
effective if
your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them
only by
these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but
I'm
going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly
what
you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much
since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive
liquid.
Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to
>get
coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell
people
you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask
>them if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an
intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her
to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or
cake
in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that
they
found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to
be
faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone
has
withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Haiku Error Messages
---------------------------
- If computer programmers were more into haiku...
...these are the sort of error messages you might see
found floating around the 'Net,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> I'm sorry, there's-um-
insufficient-what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Windows NT crashed.
> I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
>
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
> - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
> > No struggle, no joy
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the file, please Hal
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A pie
In the face of technology
Small blessings.
To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved
about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our
mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly
effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult
"Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on
my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination
Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last
mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last
night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to
relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate
against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine
is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just
won't wear off!"
17. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian
rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my
contact lens without my hands."
20. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I
was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
21. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother
asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her
know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her
the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally
sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he
sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose
look long."
<hr>
Maverick was
in the South of France, and could not understand why Biff
had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he pulled nothing.
So he asked Biff, "Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"
Biff said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives
the women wild!"
So, Mav stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach.
Many hours later, he still had no woman. Mav went to see Biff again and
said, "I've tried it and it doesn't work!"
Biff looked at the Maverick and said, "Have you tried putting the potato
in the front?"
A farmer and
his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the
airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If
you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride
will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they
landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for
not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed
when my wife fell out."
A little girl came up to her mother and asked "Mummy where did I come
from?" The mother was stunned by the question, she looked at her little
girl and sighed. She then said "Oh...well..I think you're old enough to
know...You see those flowers over there and those bees?.."
She went on telling the girl about the birds and the bees and the facts
of life. When she finished, she noticed that her little girl was about
to cry so she asked, "What's wrong darling?"
The girl cried out, "I only wanted to know where I came from, but you
won't tell me....Jane's mother told her she came from Iowa."
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained
consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting
by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting
his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your
stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble
spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they
are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law."
A businessman
flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the
airport, he could get himself home.
So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit
card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no
avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of
my cab!" So, the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the
guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how
much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell
out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "Okay" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to
town to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one
of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which
one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the
instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully
takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
Nobody knows how old aunt Esther really is. Perhaps 80, perhaps 85. But
although her memory is not what it used to be, it seems that she still
has some sex appeal left in her for last week we received a message from
her saying that she - believe it or not - just gave birth to a little
baby boy!
When mom heard the news she immediately arranged an expedition, and we
all flew to aunt Esther's to see the new addition to our family.
When we got there, we naturally wanted to see little Jon immediately.
"Well, where is the baby? We can't wait to see him!" said mom, all
excited. Aunt Esther, however, wanted to tell us about the delivery
first. "Oh! you should have seen the nurses! How sweet they all were!
They have these white dresses, you know..." On and on Aunt Esther went.
After a few minutes my mom gently reminded her: "Little Jon? Can we see
him?"
Aunt Esther seemed distracted for a moment, but she quickly came to her
senses. "And the doctors! Oh, my! The funniest thing I ever saw - all
wearing green robes! Imagine that! Green!"
This went on for a long time until dad began to lose his patience. "Why
don't you show us little Jon?" he demanded.
"I'm waiting for him to start crying." was aunt Esther's cryptic reply.
Dad was puzzled. "But why do you want him to cry?"
"Because," replied aunt Esther, "I forgot where I put him!"
A traveller named John pulled into a little town for the night to find
every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "Or just a bed - I
don't care where."
"Well I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager,
"And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm
not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveller assured him, "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,
then?" he asked.
"Nope," John replied, "I shut him up in no time."
"How did you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John
said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said "Goodnight
Beautiful."
"With that, he sat up all night watching me."
>Dear Abby,
I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love." It offered
advice to grandparents with respect to misbehaving grandchildren -- those
whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose
a picture demonstrating the technique I employ on my grandson when he just
won't behave. They do not allow me to spank him, so I just take him for a
ride, and he usually calms down afterward.
Sincerely, "Tough Love Grandma"
The Redneck Collection
Technology for country folk:LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the rat hole.
How To Tell If You Might Be A High Tech Redneck
If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all"
AND, HOW'S ABOUT: Getting Even – and a little ahead even:
Redneck Computer Lingo
• "Software" -- plastic eating utensils
•"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
•"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
•"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
•"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
•"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
•"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
•"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
•"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
•"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
•"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
•"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Billy Bob! LAN me yore truck."
•"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
•"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
•"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
•"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
Sometimes jokes are medicinal...
Arkansas (or whichever state you prefer) Residency Application
STATE OF ARKANSAS
Residency Application
Name: ______________________________
(_) Billy-Bob (last)
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_)
Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black
The Cow
Two rednecks were sitting daydreaming when a cow strolls by.
"Man" says the first Redneck, "If only that was a woman."
"Man" says the second "If only it was dark."
Drivers Ed
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Redneck Driving Etiquette
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the
deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has
the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her
to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
7.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Personal Hygiene
1.Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
2.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
3.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
4.Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a
small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are.
3.If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
Redneck Dining Out
1.Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home
costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested:"I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two
years a go."
3.If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
Redneck Theater Etiquette
1.Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2.Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Redneck Wedding Etiquette
1.Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
3.When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
4.A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.
5.For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions
1.Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
4.It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
6.The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.
7.Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life andthought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see aprofessor who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked the first redneck. The professor answered "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do" answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good" the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since youhave a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!! "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae. This is incredible"!!! The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing Iever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class." The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him walkedback into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? the second redneck asked his friend?> "Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck.> "What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"?> "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya"?
Alabama edition of Windows 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama editionof windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If
you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening
screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General
Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy
Duke screen saver. Also note the "Recycle Bin" is labeled `Outhouse',
"My Computer" is called 'This Infernal Contraption', "Dialup
Networking" is called `Good Ol' Boys', "Control Panel" is known as
`The Dern Dashboard', "Hard Drive" is referred to as `Four wheel
drive', and
"Floppies" are `Them Little ol' Plastic Disc Thangs'.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag
and duct tape.
OK = 'ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shit
yes = shore nuf
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
Tiperiter...........A word processor
Colerin' book.......a graphics program
Addin' mershene......calculator
Outhouse paper .....notepad
Juke-box ...........CD Player
Iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
Pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
Coon dog............American kennel club records
Fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association
Shotgun...........Remington Arms price list
Rifle..............Winchester price list
Pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
Truck...............Ford &Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
House...............Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
Car................same as truck just need two list in Alabama
Cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
Tax records.........usually an empty file
Shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
Bud.................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
Rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the race
Car n Truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
Doc................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy
of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.
Modern New Age Affirmations for Implimenting "Ways for Personal Growth"
> 1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my
> inner sociopath.
>
> 2. I have the power to channel my imagination into
> ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
>
> 3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the
> ones that are someone else's fault.
>
> 4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise
> myself, unless I want to stay employed.
>
> 5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
>
> 6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having
> control over others.
>
> 7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
>
> 8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would
> have no personality at all.
>
> 9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
>
> 10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
> censorious, self-righteous people around me.
>
> 11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan,
> whimper, and complain.
>
> 12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me,
> they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
>
> 13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is
> cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
>
> 14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The
> second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find
> someone to buy me nice things.
>
> 15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to
> carry a gun.
>
> 16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and
> disgusting parts.
>
> 17. I am at one with my duality.I let it fight with my multiple
selves.
>
> 18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves
> into knots.
>
> 19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing
> myself with imaginary fears.
>
> 20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
>
> 21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless
> of state and local laws.
>
> 22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
> there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
>
> 23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
>
> 24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
>
> 25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in
> my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move
> my computer into the bedroom.
>
> 26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a
> minute. . . . I'll find someone.
>
> 27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I
> can spend it worrying about the future?
>
> 28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that
> the conspiracy is working.
>
> 29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as
> sabotage.
>
> 30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me
> naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
>
> 31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make
> it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
>
> 32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is
> willing to learn from them.
>
> 33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That
> way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
These quotes
were taken from actual performance evaluations
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a
trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or OERs (Officer
Efficiency Reports)
1.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2.Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3.A room temperature IQ.
4.Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5.A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6.A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7.A prime candidate for natural deselection.
8.Bright as Alaska in December.
9.One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10.Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11.Fell out of the family tree.
12.Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
13.Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14.He's so dense, light bends around him.
15.If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
16.If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17.If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18.If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19.It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20.One neuron short of a synapse.
21.Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22.Takes him 1 ½ hours to watch 60 minutes.
23.Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Survival
guide for the supernatural
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if
it's really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to
kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with
somebody else's voice.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply
to any other house of the dead as well.
If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits, just get out!
Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason
for it. Don't stop and look around.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you're doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with
you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble
if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the
nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is
strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself
instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely eaten.
Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws,
staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices
made from deceased companions.
If you find that your house is built upon a cemetary, now is the time to
move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible
fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your
house.
>YOU MIGHT BE FROM THE BOONDOCKS IF ....
>You own a homemade fur coat.
>Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>You won a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
>Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-In Theatre.
>Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygene concerns.
>You burn your yard rather than mow it.
>The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
>You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
>Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to
>spare a
>loved one.
>Your garndmother has every been asked to leave a bingo hall because of
>her
>language.
>Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
>Your were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
>You have the local taxidermist's phone number on speed dial.
>Your school fight song was "dueling banjos".
>You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
>You're ever given rat traps a gifts.
>Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
>You keep can of RAID on the kitche table.
>You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
>Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas
>dinner.
>All of your four letter words are two syllables.
>You've ever been too drunk to fish.
>You cut your toenails in front of company.
>You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
>Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
>Hitchhikers won't get into the car with you.
>Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
>You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
>You consider "Ourdoor Life" to be deep reading.
>You call your boss "Dude."
>You think a Volve is an intimate part of woman's anatomy.
>You have grease under your TOEnails.
>You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
>it.
>You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your
>appearance.
>At the last wedding you attended your wore a tube top.
>You've ever cleaned your fish in the front room.
>You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
>You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
>You think that turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
>You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of
>nature.
>You think that the French Rivera is foreign car.
>You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
>You've ever filled your deer tag on the gold course.
>Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
>MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
>You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
>You've every spray painted your girlfriends name on the overpass.
>Your pocket knife often dobles as a toothpick.
>You own a denim leisure suit.
>You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody
>notices.
>Your family tree doesn't fork.
>You have a rag for a gas cap.
>The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
>You have Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
>You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
>clearance
>restrictions.
>You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that
>begins,
>"For a goo time call..."
>You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
>Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
>Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
>Every socket in the house breaks the fire code.
>You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
>There are more than five McDonald's bags on the floorboard of your
>car.
>The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
>There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
>You ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
>The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
>You think that a subdivision is part of a math problem.
>You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
>You think that "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a
>movie.
>You have ever episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
>You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
>The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
>Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
>You've ever financed a tatoo.
>You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
>People hear your car a long time before they see it.
>the gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
>You perfer car keys to O-tips.
>and finally....
>You've ever stolen toilet paper!
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.>>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
>>replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
>>put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
>>nervous, I take a sip."
>>
>>So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
>>of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
>>up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the
>>following note on his door:
>>----------------------------------------------------
>> 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
>> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>> 3. There are 12 disciplines, not 10.
>> 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>> 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>> 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>> 7. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are not referred to as
>> Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
>> 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>> 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked of his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
>>10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
>>11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
>>12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
>>13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
>>14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
