A Thousand Beers and A Thousand Cigarettes

Doug and Joseph's Austin Memoirs

The Story Continues

Day 3

Things just keep getting prettier.

The curtains in our suite do a great job of keeping out the sun. At around 11 o'clock we have almost woken up and we think about getting ready for our last full day in Kathy-Land. The only sure thing was that the previous night's facials were the only thing standing between the way we looked and the way we felt. We've already missed breakfast downstairs...bummer.

Details are a little sketchy now as to what we did next. We got some film developed...we know that. Dammit, another blackout.

Sergio has a phone conversation with his cowardly-ex, and we are all delighted to find out that we were under surveillance the previous evening. Seriously...this guy knew where we went, how long we were there, and what we were doing. This will add an air of excitement to the weekend as now we must dodge the hired spies that we envision are everywhere, lurking, watching our every move and jotting down notes. How dare he!!!! Have us followed!!! As if!!!! We each ponder our movements of the previous evening...did we do anything incriminating? Hmmm...

Going on the recommendation of a friend of Doug's back in New York, we set out for lunch at Baby Acapulco on Barton Springs Road. The place is sandwiched between some very other cool places, the Shady Grove Cafe being one of them. This turns out to be THE worst mistake of our lives. What was the message being sent by the music playing overhead as we entered? That familiar warble was telling us that "Heaven Is A Place On Earth", but we were soon to realize that Baby Acapulco is a restaurant in Hell. Sergio's Ceasar salad is not even close--the dressing comes in a container like you would get on an airplane and the chicken is dry. And whoever put onions and tomatoes in a Caesar salad anyway??? Joseph's dish is completely unrecognizable. Doug's is perhaps the most vile--dry chicken in a dry tortilla covered with melted Velveeta. The first bite comes right back out of his mouth and into a napkin. A second version of this dish is then brought out, leaving us to ponder the taste of the meat inside...what were it's true origins?

The Velveeta Mexican food signals the beginning of Doug's long slide into the following two day's gastric nightmares. Sergio and Joseph drop him at the hotel at his immediate insistance and head off to do some shopping--new pants for Joseph, Maalox for Doug, and of course...more beers and cigarettes. A short while later they return to the hotel to find that KV has called and invited everyone out for yet another lunch. Doug forgets the waves of nausea and accepts the invitation. Admitting to KV that we had a horrible experience at Baby Acapulco, KV screams at him "WHY THE HELL DID YOU GO THERE WITHOUT CHECKING WITH ME FIRST?!!!! THAT PLACE AS BAD AS TACO BELL!!!!"

We set out for the Hula Hut to meet the Delphines. Along the way we realize that Q is in the car next to us and we drag race the remaining few miles. Once at the Hula Hut we check for KV and Gina, and as we don't see them we decide to hit the back deck along the river for, you guessed it...cocktails. Margaritas this time. They are awesome. And so is the Hula Hut. Not only is it situated right along the river, with lush greenery all around, but it is a very lively and hip place to be and to be seen....a seat outside is a luxury. We all have fun trying to keep cool in the sweltering heat, admiring Dominique's knee-high black leather boots and wondering what the heck is keeping Kathy & Gina. A while later Joseph goes back into the restaurant and we are all horrified when he returns with the news that the rest of our party has been inside all along, and they are nearly finished eating. Whoops. Luckily, the waitress manages to push two tables together and the three of us, the Delphines, and KV's mum are finally all together as one big happy bunch. We all trade stories for an hour or so, and right in the middle of it, "The Gina Show" begins. First she's got the chills. Next we hear about her criminal relatives back in Baltimore. Then, she contemplates what she would do if someone breaks into her house and attempts to beat, rape, and murder her. Everyone is quite amused, although Doug has to discreetly plug his left ear to keep her from deafening him, and he suggests that her best weapon against criminal intruders would be to "just start talking". Kathy and Joseph erupt into uncontrolled laughter but Gina continues to ramble on about something we can't quite remember right now.

We make plans to meet later, at Liberty Lunch, the site of this evening's show and then soon after we part ways. Us boys decide to once again seek out Sak's. No, not Sergio's mystery bar the Sack, but the department store. We get lost...but it's OK cuz we're lovin' our Town Car. Eventually we find Sak's, and also hit the Gap so that Sergio and Doug can pick up emergency t-shirts. Then we set off for home. Once there, Doug goes back to bed, and Joseph and Squirge hit the free cocktails downstairs.

Our final night screams out for style. It takes 45 minutes to prepare Doug for his public. "Shave that s**t off your face!" Joseph and Squirge insist. They then take matters into their own hands...shaping and perfecting the new look. Later, Doug convinces Joseph to wear the boots with his Austin-bought English pants instead of the Sketchers and Sergio manages to work nearly twelve ounces of gel into his hair. The magic is worked and we head off to Liberty Lunch, ready to turn some heads and guzzle some liquid.

This club is pretty huge... like a small warehouse. It is also HOT. Hotter than anything so far. It's 98 outside, and inside who knows--there is no AC. Gina looks like she is ready to drop dead, and of course she tells us that her chills are back. She also insists that we drink the free backstage beer, so we still love her. Kathy and Q sit and barely move in an attempt to keep cool. As they prepare the night's set list we all wonder how the heat will effect the show. Eventually the Del's take the stage to perform for a crowd of probably 500 people. The audience is really into them here...the crowd is probably 20 deep near the stage. The set is normal length, and even though the heat is nearly unbearable onstage, the band plays their best this night. The sound is excellent, and the temperature creates a sort of solidarity between the audience and band. Gina laughs her ass off at the Jack-in-the-Box antenna ball that we secretly jammed onto her high hat. While KV is tuning Q gives Gina the mic and she introduces herself--"Hi, I'm the drummer. I'm also the funniest, the most talented, and the most beautiful". Funny. KV really does us all proud, and pulls the band tighter and tighter together while nailing her solos to the back wall.

The set ends, and the crowd really shows their appreciation. We head backstage to congratulate the band, and they are all 10 pounds lighter from dehydration. After a brief rest, all of us go out on the back porch and talk, and soon after head back inside to listen to the evening's headliner, Ian Moore. This guy is simply HOT, and even makes Joseph forget all about Clayton (see Day 1). Great singer, songwriter, and fine looking. Joseph tells Kathy that he'll never forgive her for not telling him sooner that Ian Moore was such a hottie. Kathy tells Joseph that Ian's got a gorgeous girlfriend but Joseph doesn't see her anywhere "so what is your point?"

After more hanging out backstage and then snapping some photos out back on the patio, we leave the club. Q has hooked up with some Austinites and heads over to the air-conditioned Antone's to soak in some blues. As for the rest of us, first we need to follow KV and Gina to drop off their borrowed pick-up truck and then give them a ride home. No sooner than the two join us in our car is there a gaseous emission from Doug's bootie. "WHO FARTED!!!!??!?!" screams Kathy. "Me but I did it outside...it's OK" answers Doug. "IT FOLLOWED YOU IN!!!!!" Gina wails as she flings open the door. "YOU CAN'T FART IN LEATHER PANTS" Joseph explains to Dougie. Everyone is outside of the car now, gasping for hot, muggy but fresh air and giving Doug the evil eye. Once it's safe to get back in and on the road again no one can stop laughing. Gina could be seen hanging out of the window, screaming about the poo particles in the air. Joseph starts to speak as if he has no tongue. Somehow that voice transforms itself into a dialect of bad Chinese, and the mention of a dingo has him, Gina and KV screaming about the infamous baby-napping beasts. "A DINGO STOLE MY BABY!!!!" they all call out over and over again as if it were their mantra. Silent Sergio does his best to keep us on the road.

Did we forget to mention that all this time we could not figure out how to turn off the interior lights? No one knows how they got turned on but none of us can figure out how to turn them off either. Instead, we drive, each participant given the job of holding up one hand to block an inside light. We wonder how we must look to our sure-to-be-following-spies as we wander through the streets of Austin screaming about Dingo's and yelling "I Cooda Bin Cwazee Fo' U But No Mo!!!", each with one arm over our heads.

After visiting with the girls at their place for a spell, Joseph can't wait to hit the clubs since this will be our last night in Austin. Joseph warns Doug on the way that this evening "IT IS NOT PERMISSABLE FOR YOU TO SPEAK TO DRAG QUEENS TONITE...YA GOT ME ON THAT? NO EXCEPTIONS!!!"

Yuck. At the Forum, Sergio watches for spies, Doug vibes everyone out, and Joseph fishes for looks. Thankfully there are no go-go dancers out this night... Joseph was in a fat pinching mood, and Doug and Sergio were running low on singles. Not yet satisfied, Joseph insists we try our luck at Oil Can Harry's where we play Doug's favorite bar game--"how much would they have to pay you?". I think that you can guess the point of this game. We are not shocked to find out that the game reveals we are all sluts. "Pay me???...I'd pay him!!!" is a commonly whispered phrase. Joseph finally has someone hit on him, so we are now free to leave the bar with Joseph's self-esteem restored.

We take the long way home and enjoy the drive. After visiting a drive-thru we head back home, eat, and one-by-one slip into comas.