Quotes

A-M

Advice Age Beauty Bees Boredom Children/Childhood Conscience Crime Criticism Dancing Divorce Dogs Faults Feminism Forgiveness Humor Hunting Insults Kissing Life/Friends Love Lying Men Miscellaneous Movies

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Advice

~" Your dresses should be tight enough to show you're a woman, and loose enough to show you're a lady."
- Edith Head

~" Be mysterious."
- John Bouvier (to his daughter, Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis)

~" I have lived some thirty years on this planet, and I have yet to hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest advice from my seniors."
-Henry David Thoreau

~" I'm glad I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valueable mistakes."
-Gene Fowler

~" Never moon a werewolf."
- Mike Binders

~" Never trust men with short legs. Brains too close to their bottoms."
- Noel Coward

~" Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig."
- Paul Dickson

Age

~"Don't look back. Something may be gaining on you."
- Satchel Paige

~" When I was a boy of fourteen my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he'd learned in seven years."
- Mark Twain

~" I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my teeth."
- Jonathan Swift

Beauty

~" Blue eyes say: Love me or I die; black eyes say: love me or I kill thee.
- Spanish Proverb

~" Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies for instance."
- John Ruskin

~" What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness."
- Leo Tolstoy

~" So you can have your beauty--It's skin deep and it only lies."
- Bob Dylan

Bees

~" Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They just can't buzz any slower."
- Kin Hubbard

Boredom

~" Bore: A man in love with another woman."
- Mary Pettingbone Poole

~" I'm so bored in the town where I live, I know all the vending machines by name."
- David Lewis

~" So little time, so little to do."
- Oscar Levant

~" Somebody's boring me - I think it's me."
- Dylan Thomas

~" One favorite way of wasting time is trying to say something in praise of paper towels."
- Franklin Pierce Adams

Childhood/Children

~" The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose."
- Garrison Keillor

~" Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."
- Sam Levenson

~" There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had the secret desire to boot a child in the ass."
- W.C. Fields

Conscience

~" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us someone could be looking."
- H.L. Mencken

Crime

~" The long and distressing controversy over capital punishment is very unfair to anyone contemplating murder."
-Geoffrey Fisher

~" You're not going to believe this. I saw a murder, I got there five mintues after it happened. Apparently, from what I saw, the body fell into a chalk line exactly the same shape."
- Howie Mandel

~" I am advised that if a policeman ever warns me that whatever I say will be taken down and repeated in court, I should at once exclaim, 'Please, officer, don't hit me again!'"
- Hugh Leonard

Criticism

~" It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy."
- James Thurber

~" Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.'
-Mel brooks

Dancing

~" Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it's the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it.
- Christopher Morley

~" He makes you feel more danced against than with."
- Sally Poplin

~" That made the buggers hop!"
- Sir Thomas Beecham, after conducting a ballet at twice the normal speed

Divorce

~" A divorce is like an amputation, you survive, but there is less of you."
- Margaret Atwood

~" Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck -- if you survive you start looking very carefully to the right and left."
- Jean Kerr

~" It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot."
- Warren Thomas

Dogs

~" They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?"
- Larry Reeb

Faults

~" In faith I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note,
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise."
- William Shakespeare

~" One sprinkles the most sugar where the tart is burnt."
- Dutch Proverb

~" I have a big flaw in that I am attracted to thin, tall, good-looking men who have one common denominator. They must be lurking bastards."
- Edna O'Brien

~" When you have committed a fault be pert and insolent, and behave as if you were the injured one."
- Jonathan Swift

Feminism

~" I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat."
- Rebecca West

Forgiveness

~" Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much."
- Oscar Wilde

Humor

~" Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
- Unknown

~" It's more fun contemplating someone else's navel than your own."
- Arthur Hoppe

~" I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl if she wanted to sleep with me and she said 'No.'"
- Woody Allen

Hunting

~" I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls, and they say "Because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. Well, I think my mother's attractive but I have photographs of her."
- Ellen DeGeneres

Insults

~" He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup."
- Wilson Mizener

~" I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved."
- Mark Twain

~" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
- Groucho Marx

Kissing

~" Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight."
- Andy Warhol

~" Get your tongue out of my mouth, I'm kissing you good-bye."
- Cynthia Heimel

~" A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous."
- Olicer Herford and J.C. Clay

Lying

~" Our whole lives are lived in a tangle of telling, not telling, misleading, allowing to know, concealing, eavesdropping and collusion. When Washington said he could not tell a lie, his father must have answered, 'You had better learn.'"
- Germaine Greer

Miscellaneous

~ Celibacy is "The worst form of self-abuse."
- Peter De Vries

~" Anyone who gives a surgeon six thousand dollars for breast augementation should give some thought into investing a little more in brain augementation."
- Mike Royko

Men

~" What a man enjoys about a woman's clothes are his fantasies about how she would look without them."
- Brendan Francis

~" All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun."
- Rita Rudner

~" I'm male, I don't know anything I guess."
- Unknown

Movies

~" Did you rub my lamp? Did you bring me here? And now you're walkin' out on me? I don't think so! Not now, so sit down!"
- The Genie On Disney's Aladdin

~" I ask for so little. Love me, fear me, do as I say and I will be your slave."
- Labyrinth

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